Leftwing Loon THANKS DUmmie FUnnies For Saving His Life!!!

Remember leftwing loon, witzkeyman who was formerly bleedinglib, whom we FEATURED here last Sunday? Well, I received an e-mail from him this morning and he THANKS the DUmmie FUnnies for saving his life. It's true! Here is the text of witzkeyman's e-mail:

I'd like to thank you for actually saving my life. Let me explain. Your blogs are extremely funny, and one day I was reading your blog that I actually passed out. I'm serious. The next week I had an echocardiogram and the cardiologist noticed that I had a defective valve. Anyway, I was rushed to have surgery the following week, and the surgeon told me that I was very lucky. I'd like to thank you for making me laugh and saving my life. I love your vlog and look forward to being featured again. Who knows? Maybe I'll see you at the Seminole Hard Rock.

So apparently the DUmmie FUnnies made witzkeyman laugh so hard that he passed out. Worried that something was wrong, he goes to the doctor and they find a defective valve which was repaired by surgery. I guess witzkeyman never would have found out about that defective valve if he hadn't been reading the DUmmie FUnnies which made him pass out from laughter. Nice to know the DUFUs saved a life even it is that of a leftwing loon. Actually we want our leftwing loons to enjoy healthy and long lives because without them there would be no DUFU comedy material. And the latest of this comedy material comes from witzeyman himself in this hilarious VIDEO in which he obsesses once again on how the Gleiwitz Incident set off WWII. Yeah, like if the Germans couldn't have pulled off that incident, they never would have started WWII. But let us not discourage witzkeyman from this particular obsession. It creates a lot of laugh material for us.

Seminole Hard Rock? Hmmmm....

Perry Logan Slams Barack Obama

When last we heard about Perry Logan, he had been tombstoned from DUmmieland as was CHRONICLED last Saturday by our own Paul Heinzman between slices of smoked pork butt. And now Perry Logan has lashed back in his own bizarre way as you can see in his latest YouTube VIDEO done in his typical surreal style. So how is that election working out for you now, Perry? As you may know, if you check our DUFU archives, I have featured Perry slamming the EVIL Republicans many times. Why? Because we were laughing AT him. Well, now we can laugh both AT and WITH him. And despite the public show of "unity" between Obama and Hillary today, the Democrats remain greatly divided. Watch and enjoy Perry's personal acid trip.

Panic Attack: Obama Behind In Missouri

It's Panic Attack time in DUmmieland. A SurveyUSA poll shows their beloved Obama is behind by 7 points in Missouri. Of course, polls at the juncture of the campaign season are fairly meaningless. Just ask President Mondale or President Dukakis. However, it is FUn to watch the DUmmies panic. What will be ever more FUn will to be to watch the bigtime Panic Attacks by the DUmmies as the polls inevitably tighten up in a few months. The great thing about this is that this will cause the Left act really goofy and make matters even worse for themselves. Watch for the DUmmies to go complete NUts by middle of October. For now they are biting their nails bigtime as you can see in the DUmmie THREAD titled, "McCain up by 7 in Missouri." So let us enjoy the spectacle of the DUmmies tie themselves into knots over a meaningless poll in Bolshevik Red while the commentary of your humble correspondent, noting that the cause of poor polls will have the panic effect of lowering them even more, is in the [barackets]:

McCain up by 7 in Missouri

[Hit the Panic Button! HIT THE PANIC BUTTON!!!]

A new SurveyUSA poll shows John McCain taking a decent lead in one battleground state: Missouri.

The numbers: McCain 50%, Obama 43%, with a ±4.3% margin of error. Three weeks ago, Obama had a statistically insignificant lead of 45%-43%. The race here has a very stark gender gap: Men go for McCain 60%-36%, and women for Obama 50%-41%.

This state has 11 electoral votes, and has voted for the winner in every presidential election over the last 100 years except for 1956.

[So maybe Barack Obama can become the Adlai Stevenson of 2008. There is still the audacity of hope.]

WTF??I thought Obama was leading in Missouri???

[The poll was probably taken AFTER Obama broke his campaign financing pledge.]

how odd, how very odd

[How odd. How can ANY poll anywhere ever show our beloved Obama behind?]

Don't worry......if Dems turnout for Obama in Kansas City and St. Louis in November (and we will), Obama will take Missouri. But it might be close.

[Don't worry. We'll just illegally keep the polls open in St. Louis after the official closing time like we did in 2000.]

it may be time to worry. obama seems to be boxed in on the energy issue. i said a week ago he should have come out for more drilling before mccain did. alot of the polls seem to be suspect right now though.

[The Democrats in Congress were supposed to have a press conference yesterday announcing their energy policy but then had to cancel it because they DON'T have an energy policy beyond wanting to nationalize the refineries.]

You also have to consider the trend of Obama going up in the polls consistently since he started running.

[What goes up must...well, you know the rest.]

I said it a while ago, and I'm being proven correct. And there aren't even enough undecideds to swing the state anymore. He doesn't appear to have the votes to crack 50%

[You now have 10 seconds until meltdown.]

I don't think Obama has offered many positive ideas on how he would lower the price of gas in the short term. He's simply knocked down a lot of other people's proposals. I think he needs to start offering a positive vision on this issue.

[Windfall profits taxes on "Big Oil." Nationalize oil refineries. The Democrat ideas are out there.]

He's very weak in MO. I don't see him winning that state. I wouldn't write it off, but it's not gonna happen.

[SOB! You have just devasted my life!]

Obama can win, but it's NOT going to be the landslide many here predict

[No! Stop with the reality checks!]

"We have ONE year.. ONE election"

Remember all the propaganda we were fed about how Global Warming is a non-partisan issue? Well, it turns out it was all hogwash. No big surprise there. The Left is now enlisting Global Warming alarmism on a big scale to help get Barack Obama elected as you can see in this KOmmie THREAD titled, "Hansen on Global Warming: We have ONE year.. ONE election." Yes, me must elect Obama or it will be the END OF THE WORLD!!! It turns out that James Hansen has been making Global Warming alarmist WARNINGS for at least 20 years. In 1988 he predicted severe dought was coming to the midwest. Five years later, in 1993, the Midwest experienced extreme flooding. Also check out the current flooding in the Midwest to see just how accurate Hansen has been in his predictions. One might as well consult Jean Dixon in predicting climate change. However, the KOmmies turn to Hansen as some sort of prophet to help them elect their beloved Obama. So let us now watch the KOmmies play the Global Warming Alarmist card in Bolshevik Red while the commentary of your humble correspondent, noting that the weatherman is lucky if he can predict the weather correctly just 3 days in advance, is in the [barackets]:

Hansen on Global Warming: We have ONE year.. ONE election

[Or your KOmmie brains will fry.]

In 2006, the great climate scientist James Hansen famously said

[Something as "accurate" as his prediction about Midwest drought?]

"I think we have a very brief window of opportunity to deal with climate change ... no longer than a decade, at the most."

[He needs that same script for use in 2016.]

Since then, things have gotten much, much worse. The Arctic ice is melting faster than expected. CO2 emissions are accelerating. Global warming is accelerating.

[Don't forget about that drought in the Midwest.]

Hansen no longer stands by his estimate that we have one decade to turn things around. He now thinks that was too optimistic. Today, James Hansen told congress that we have one year.

[Translation: Elect Barack Obama or we all DIE!!!]

We have one year. One election.

[Elect Obama. Elect Obama. ELECT OBAMA!!!]

And simply winning is not enough.. we will need radical changes in policy.

[TRANSLATION: We need Global Warming as an excuse to institute socialism.]

And if we lose...

[You will be joining the Heavens Gate cult aboard the Mother Ship. And now to the rest of the KOmmies...]

Most coverage has focussed on his statement that oil CEOs should be prosecuted. This is interesting, but I think misses the point of his testimony.

[Thanx for that confirmation that Hansen is indeed a leftwing loon.]

It's time to stop Climaticide and that means working for justice as well as having the right policies. Without justice there will be cynicism and cynicism plays into the hands of the denialists and the tactics of disinformation.

[LOL! "Climaticide." I definitely have to file that word away with "Freudenschade."]

The warming of the Arctic is beginning to look irreversible. There are positive feedbacks that are amplifying inputs. Sea ice melting is causing more warming and more warm Atlantic water flowing into the Arctic.

[Gee! Then how is it that we can still watch Ice Road Truckers who drive right over the frozen Arctic ocean?]

Republican ideology will block any meaningful. Climate related reform into the foreseeable future. We all might as well accept extinction because nothing will change in the USA in terms of politics. The only conceivable circumstance that might avoid extinction of humanity is if the oil economy suffers catastrophic and irreversible loss. Which, given Republican Rapturist ideology, is always possible via warmongering, most likely Iran. Even the complete melting of Greenland won't stop the greed and selfishness of Republicans.

[EVIL Republicans!!! It's all their fault! So much for that hype about Global Warming being a non-partisan issue.]

He seems to be mixing a bunch of stuff. One moment, it is "99% certain." The next he's saying there will be 2-meter sea level rise this century, which is certanly not in IPCC projections.

[Don't stop Hansen. He's on a roll.]

Considering that we will not take power for 7 more months - we have a little problem here.

[Which will pale in comparison to the HUGE mental problem you will have in 7 months if you do NOT take power.]

Hansen's superlative reputation makes his increasingly edgy statements deeply disturbing.

[Yeah. I found his statements about Midwest drought deeply disturbing.]

For a bunch of fear-based weenies, I don't understand why the deniers aren't more scared, really.

[I'm sooooo frightened about Hansen's incredibly accurate predictions about drought in the Midwest.]

When they try to argue that climate scientists are "bought off" by the environmental lobby. Like there's big, big money in environmentalism. These guys are geniuses.

[Al Gore seems to be making a pretty penny in selling Carbon Credit indulgences.]

Also accept the fact that this century will see a human dieoff to the tune of about three billion excess deaths. The best we can do at this point is preserve accumulated knowledge and the values that go along with reducing rather than increasing violence over time. What we're headed for is a centuries-long dark age driven by the consequences of overshoot & collapse. There will be places that manage to preserve knowledge and an enlightened culture, but these will be relatively few and far between. You want to be in one of those places. Ideally a town with a small university, farming capabilities nearby, minimal risk of town-wrecking disasters such as tornados and earthquakes, and relative climate stability. Or sacrifice the "university" criterion and search based on the rest of those, looking for a healthy local economy with a mix of practical skills. Finding those places is difficult but that's what you need to do.

[I'm already picturing leftwing monks in small universities preserving our knowledge and culture on scrolls as, outside, rightwing yahoo redneck barbarians destroy civilization in their pickup trucks.]

If Obama loses the election say goodbye to Florida, NYC and any other coastal area.

[Bye-bye!]

I am sorting out what I think about Obama coming out today in support of corn ethanol. I was a little surprised, knowing that we have discussed here the disadvantages of using corn for fuel vs food.

[Just dump that contradiction down the Memory Hole.]

You might want to repeatedly view some Holocaust pics just for the exercise. To get you toughened up. Anybody under the age of 45 is going to see things before they die that will make them sorry they're not 75 today.

[Nobody is stopping you from entering the Mother Ship right now.]

I'm no skeptic. I'm a physicist trained in meteorology. I agree with much of what is written or quoted above but what Hansen has said and will say is mostly political rhetoric not scientific consensus.

[HERETIC!!!]

I've been beseeching my parents to stockpile food for the last year, but they're generally dismissive of my concerns. What are the rest of you doing?

[Stockpiling DiGiorno pizzas.]

Anybody Have a Ranch In Paraguay that they can sell me?

[No but I have a bridge in Brooklyn I can sell you.]

I'm just glad I don't have any kids, so I won't have to look them in the eye when it finally hits home to people just how screwed we are and they start looking at those of my age and older and ask. "You knew! You saw this coming, and you did nothing! Why?"

[WHEW! Thank God you didn't reproduce!]

Demoralized KOmmie Gives Up All Hope

This hasn't exactly been a good week for the Left. Apparently their own savior, the Obamassiah has betrayed them. No, not on his broken promise about accepting public financing of his campaign. Most (but not all) of them are fine with that because it means more money (they think) with which to destroy the EVIL Republicans. No, they feel betrayed over Obama NOT filibustering the FISA bill as urged by MoveOn. This KOmmie THREAD, "Take One Last Look," posted by KOmmie One Pissed Off Liberal is a reflection of that sense of betrayal. Although the betrayal by their beloved Barack Obama on the FISA bill is not specifically cited as their reason for their gloom, it is that plus the general sense that the Obamassiah is a flawed candidated who might not (GASP!) win in November. The solution? According to One Pissed Off Liberal it would be some sort of Bolshevik Revolution to purge our EVIL capitalist system of its many faults. So let us now watch the KOmmies engage in doom and gloom in Bolshevik Red while the the commentary of your humble correspondent, noting how quickly the sense of betrayal has set in among the Obama acolytes, is in the [barackets]:

Take One Last Look

[We are the dead.]

Some of you who were around when I first started posting at DailyKos a little over two years ago may remember the ‘OPOL flame wars’ as kos himself put it. Many of my ideas provoked great animosity in the dkos community. I was called every name under the sun, was threatened with banishment, and was the object of great wailing and gnashing of teeth. I was bitterly and enthusiastically criticized for saying things like:

[The saga of the Martyrdom of One Pissed Off Liberal as presented by One Pissed Off Liberal.]

The 2000 and 2004 elections were stolen.
The war on terrorism is a bogus invention meant to justify war profiteering.
The rise of the neocons amounted to a fascist coup.
The democrats enabled the neocons and in some cases were complicit in their crimes.
Our political system is broken and corrupt to the bone.
Bush and Cheney should be impeached.
The Bush administration committed war crimes.
Our government is enslaved to the evil of the Military Industrial Complex.
The American dream is just another lie.
Our government has no intentions of ever leaving Iraq.
We are running out of time to save the humans.

[One Pissed Off Liberal presents his/her impeccable moonbat credentials.]

After all that has transpired over the past two years, these ideas seem much less inflammatory today. A casual reading of DailyKos these days suggests that most kossacks now agree with many if not all of these statements. The hideous nature of our present reality can no longer be denied by thinking people. The horror we face has begun to sink in.

[It can no longer denied by thinking people that the rest of Kommieland is now as looney as you.]

The propaganda machine we are subjected to from cradle to grave in this country is a powerful force. We are taught that this is ‘the greatest country in the world’, though we are not told why. American exceptionalism is drilled into us incessantly until it becomes one of those core beliefs not subject to deep questioning. It is hard for us to face that we are NOT the good guys, NOT the land of the free and the home of the brave, not really even a democracy, just a pretend one. The real power in America is not the vote - it’s the buck.

[Good news! You can bypass that propaganda machine by merely going to NPR, PBS, the major networks, and most newspapers. Oh, and also almost all classrooms where liberal teachers and professors overwhelmingly prevail.]

In my view the time for action is nearly past. If we don’t act decisively and soon, all will be lost. More and better Democrats is not the answer, and the reason is because the system is so corrupt that it taints anyone who gets near it. What we so desperately need (IMHO) is radical reform of our government and political system. A good start would be mandated public financing, outlawing all but the most benign lobbying, and to make lying in the course of one’s official duties as an elected or appointed official, a major crime with severe penalties.

[At least our beloved Obama is accepting public financing as he promised. Right? He wouldn't lie to us because of both his sterling character and the fact that it would be a major crime with severe penalties in the Bolshevik utopia you envision.]

If we fail to do those things at a minimum, we will all die in due course of planetary neglect. The only question that remains, it seems to me, is do we give up or fight back?

[The not so subtle call for Bolshevik Revolution.]

As for me, I’d rather die fighting back than live under tyranny and just watch passively as life on earth is extinguished by a bunch of venal idiots.

[Posted One Pissed Off Liberal from behind a barricade of empty pizza cartons in Mommy's basement. And now for more gloom and doom from other KOmmies...]

Tips for the Resistance?

[Use reinforced cardboard in those pizza carton barricades.]

I think maybe the best hope is a major pestilence.

[That only wipes out the EVIL Republicans.]

I've always thought religion to be the ultimate statement on the worthlessness of this life.

[Posted the KOmmie theologian.]

Short term greed will not help us to survive. Indeed just the opposite. We are like fetuses trying to kill our mother.

[KOmmies only approve the latter if it is the other way around.]

We'll be gone, but the cockroaches will still be here. Damn that is just so sad, why can't we see what we're doing?

[Gimme a can of Raid! I don't want those cockroaches to get off the hook.]

We can change it... but we must absolutely elect Obama, whether or not we love everything he does. I disagree totally on FISA, but if people think they can trust Grandpa McCain, then they are wrong.

[It's going to be FUn to watch KOmmie victoria2dc on Election Day, November 5.]

The only bright light I see is all of the harm done by buch/cheney. Maybe they have created such a mess that we will have to revamp the entire system just to stay alive.

[Translation: Forget Democracy. We need Bolshevik Revolution.]

Sometimes, I wish I could disown America. That's my harsh but honest feeling. Activism has been reduced to blind faith in a political party and particular politician. We need a big change, not a wimpy incremental one.

[Not wimpy incremental changes like elections. We need Bolshevik Revolution NOW!!!]

Despite all signs to the contrary, I will hold fast to my belief in the possibility of enlightenment and progress. What else could I do?

[Blindly trust our beloved Obamassiah.]

The only circumstance under which I would support "Mandated Public Financing" is the regulation of RightWing Talk Radio.

[Ban the First Amendment!!!]

Better to invest my energy in helping to midwife a new democracy than holding vigil over a dying one.

[Democratic People's Republic of Amerika.]

It is my view that we do not have sufficient evidence that George W. Bush won Ohio, and therefore the presidency due to too many odd incidences that happened there.

[Bev Harris is just $10 away from making John Kerry president.]

I still have very deep doubts that 200, 000 employees of Blackwater are enough logistically to stage a coup of a country the size of the US. Cause mischief, yes, be successful, no. Not that I am not concerned about the trend, but the vast majority of them are also tied up in Iraq. And it only takes one battalion commander remembering his oath to the Constitution of 82 Airborne Infantry or Old Guard in DC to mess their day up pretty badly.

[Too bad it's June now so you already missed out on your Seven Days In May scenario.]

Capitalism is the weak link in democracy.

[Time to replace it with "Socialism" (Communism).]

Only seven months before they're gone from office, Democrats voluntarily brought the FISA monster back from the dead and gave away more of our Fourth Amendment right to privacy... and increased the dictatorial power of the two most despised "leaders" this country has ever known. Don't know about you, but I feel betrayed on every level.

[You're going to feel even worse on Election Day, the Fifth of November.]

We have too much geography and too many people now for a tipping point to generate even passive resistance or organized passive action. So here we are, venting, learning, and racking our brains for a way to take our country back, or at least its heart and soul. I hope somebody has some good ideas.

[Don't forget those empty pizza carton barricades with the reinforced cardboard.]

To be fair to Obama, I'm sure he'll win the election. He'll be the first black president, and that's awesome. It's too bad that he falls short on his principles, in my opinion at least.

[See you on Election Day, the Fifth of November.]

Obama is willing to defend himself and his ideas.
Kerry let himself be swiftboated. Obama will not.

[Obama just swiftboats himself in the foot.]

I fear we may be too late...to save the planet OR change anyone's opinion about what the priorities are.

[Hello Mr. Upbeat!]

The fascists want our money and we keep giving it to them. Can't we get creative about this?

[Not One Damn Dime Day.]

A lot of people love your diaries. I get that. That's OK. Frankly, they leave me flat. They're just a lot of emotional hemophelia. The tourniquet is action, and as far as I can tell, you haven't used that tourniquet yet.

[Use the tourniquet to stem the flow of the pizza sauce.]

As for me, I’d rather die fighting back than live under tyranny and just watch passively as life on earth is extinguished by a bunch of venal idiots.

[Don't let that pizza carton barricade in Mommy's basement collapse on top of you.]

Truther NUtcase DUFU Fan Morphs From Bleedinglib To Witzkeyman

I was surfing YouTube yesterday, auditioning NUtcase videos for possible use in the DUmmie FUnnies when I ran across a familiar face. When the VIDEO panned out to reveal a bizarrely furnished room, I realized just who it was: our old friend, and DUFU fan, bleedinglib who now calls himself witzkeyman. He hasn't changed much since his previous VIDEO from last year where he obsessed with comparing WWII with 9/11 as an "inside job." What happened is that once upon a time, witzkeyman who used to be bleedinglib, discovered a new word in Wikipedia: GLEIWITZ. And ever since then witzkeyman never ever tires of making comparisons between the Gleiwitz Incident and 9/11 as both being "inside jobs." Of course, if witzkeyman had read just a little more of that Wikipedia article he would have seen the following:

American correspondents were summoned to the scene next day, but no neutral parties were allowed to investigate the incident in detail and the international public was skeptical of the German version of the incident. A few days after the Invasion of Poland, the international public and press realized the huge scale of the German "defensive action" in the days immediately after the Gleiwitz incident meant that the operation had to be planned months in advance.

That's right, witzkeyman, nobody was fooled by the Gleiwitz incident "inside job," espcially since the Molotov-Ribbentrop pact had been signed just a week earlier and almost everybody was expecting the impending German assault on Poland. Oh, and does the "witz" at the beginning of your new name have anything to do with your obsession over GleiWITZ? Please do tell in your next video. We will feature witzkeyman in the DUmmie FUnnies again but only if he wears a tinfoil hat (or pizza carton) on his head and tells us why the name change. Also what's with your oversized microphone?

In the video featured here, witzkeyman entertains us with a dancing finger puppet about 40 seconds into the video which is soon followed by some old fashioned Polka music. Don't look for sanity in this video because you won't find it but you will get some chuckles from a NUtcase Truther whose saving grace is that he is a DUFU fan.

Perry Logan Tombstoned

I am really excited. It's the weekend and I'm taking the smoker I received for Father's Day on it's maiden run with a five pound butt end of a picnic shoulder. But you know, that's going to take hours, so I'm going to need something to tide me over. I think I'll have some pizza.

Now, faithful readers of DUmmie FUnnies know that PJ Comix prefers those $1.50 DiGiorno pizzas, but I'm in the mood for a Tombstone with extra ham. To provide that, we have none other than DUmmie Perry Logan. Perry Logan, the Scorsese of screed, the Bogdanovich of bile, that combination of P.T. Anderson and P.T. Barnum, who was featured in THIS DUmmie FUnnies episode "Degenerates Hate Liberals."

What could Perry do to be tombstoned? Well, Perry was a devoted Hillary supporter, and while they had worn out their welcome on the DUmp months ago, Skinner tolerated longtime DUmmies in the interest of "impartiality" up to noon on June 11th, at which time he archived the General Discussion-Primaries forum and replaced it with General Discussion-Presidential. At that moment, DUmmies were expected to toe the party line and support Obama 100%.

Perry must've missed that memo, as you can see in this THREAD titled "Barack Obama Midterm Exam." So sit back, have a slice of Tombstone pizza with extra ham, as we read Perry's swan song in Bolshevik red, while the comments of your humble guest narrator, Paul Heinzman, is in the [brackets].

Barack Obama Midterm Exam

[Not midterm, Perry; this is your FINAL exam.]

Hi everybody. I've been away. I really missed the misogyny here.

[You missed the memo, Perry. As of noon on the 11th, there never was misogyny on DU.]

OBAMA PRE-NOMINATION QUIZ

[A quiz on FRIDAY! No fair!]

1. How many votes do you think
Obama loses every time he opens his piehole?
a. ten thousand, with good editing
b. a million, if he ad libs
c. a bajillion, if prompter fails ("Uh ah oh er ah uh erg oh uh um...")
d. an infinite number, if Michelle chimes in.

[That's a tough one. Since there's no such number as a "bajillion," and even the Democrats can't come up with an infinite number of votes, I'm torn between "a" and "b."]

2. Obama's past relationships (Rezco, Rev. Wright, that awful church, those awful terrorists, etc.) indicate:
a. poor judgment
b. p*ss-poor judgment
c. there's somethin' happenin' here...
d. a pact with the Devil.

[I pick "d."]

3. Obama's performance in the polls--first against Hillary, now against John McCain--may best be characterized as:
a. a dying, f*rting, petering out sort of sound—like a Green Day song
b. worse than we'd have done with a cheese blintz
c. good reason to beg for Hillary's forgiveness
d. The Hindenberg.

[Mmmm...cheese blintz.]

4. Obama's campaign was brilliant, if they do say so themselves. The most brilliant ploy—so far—by this brilliant campaign was:
a. playing the race card
b. playing the misogyny card
c. playing the age card
d. playing the social-class card
e. playing the education card
f. playing the Muslim card
g. playing the Christian card
h. playing the radical leftist extremist unrepentant terrorist card
i. playing the Che Guevara card
j. playing the "90's-era smears against the Clintons" card
k. playing the "destroy credibility of progressive blogs" card
l. playing the "take your cue from the media" card
m. playing the "we hate America" card
n. playing the "we hate whitey card" (kidding!)
o. playing the clawing the eyes out card
p. playing the acting like thugs card
q. playing the death-threat card
r. playing the "spam your opponents' websites" card
s. gaming the caucuses
t. suborning the DNC
u. playing the "rehashing speeches by other people" card
v. emulating George McGovern (except that George McGovern is a cool guy)
w. jettisoning Wright
x. jettisoning his church
y. jettisoning (your name here)
z. new alphabet needed.

[Sounds like Obama's not playing with a full deck.]

5. Obama's admitted use of cocaine is:
a. not important—in fact, it helps with the whole vacuous hope thing
b. the sure sign of an excellent Presidential candidate (just look at George Bush)
c. not as important as an imaginary, similar allegation made against Hillary (which would be REALLY cool!)
d. a partial explanation for why Obama looks so sick and feeble.

[BUSH'S FAULT!]

6. How many minutes of Google searching and reading would it take a normal person to find out Obama is a fraud?
a. as long as it takes to flip your opponent the bird
b. 5 minutes--a small child might take a little longer
c. 30+ minutes--if you read all of "Operation Board Games"
d. after you wake up from one of those derivative speeches.

[I'll go with "b," but I'll have to find out what "Operation Board Games" is later.]

7. What do you think the Party Elders were thinking when they helped rig the nomination for The Worst Candidate Ever™?
a. Nothing. They have all gone mad.
b. Nothing much. They are all as dumb as posts.
c. They're incompetent for not vetting the guy.
d. They decided they've had it with this whole "Democratic Party" thing

[All the above.]

8. Any way you slice it, Larry Sinclair's juicy tale of sex and drugs and Obama:
a. is disputed only by liars and misogynists
b. is as true as Hillary's "Robert Kennedy assassination" threat against the Bamanator
c. is nothing that could possibly hurt anyone's campaign
d. lays to rest any statements that Obama lacks experience.

[Thanks to Hillary's hubby, I'm choosing "c."]

9. All kidding aside, does Obama look OK to you?
a. only if they prop him up
b. he looks just as feeble as McCain is supposed to
c. his bowling is definitely pathological
d. not when Michelle looks menacingly at him (just kidding).

[Skinner put all kidding aside at noon last Wednesday. And he will soon put you aside, too, Perry.]

10. It's exciting to see young people getting involved in politics, but
a. did they screw up or WHAT?
b. they should stick to writing crappy songs (they can write crappy songs about how they destroyed the Democratic Party their first time out!)
c. they should take ecstasy and watch "South Park." (I don't hate that show. Not really.)
d. I was just kidding about the songs. Young people have GOT to stop writing songs.

[Oh, definitely "a." Now to see how your fellow DUmmies react to having their summer break interrupted with a pop quiz at 6 a.m. on a Friday morning.]

Do you like pizza?

[With extra ham.]

Grave Dancing on a Friday!! Woo Hoo!!

[DUmmies gone wild.]

Perry Logan is committing suicide by moderator.

[The mods aren't awake yet. Perry's still got a few hours left.]

He's clearly looking to go out in a blaze of glory.

I'm thinking the end of Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid.

[Perry's not that good a filmmaker.]

C'mon Perry, you're better than this.

[Have you seen his videos? He really isn't.]

Your test itself gets a zero - as no correct answers are available

[There are too many correct answers and no "all of the above" options.]

There is no misogyny here - it is entirely possible to be very pro-women and prefer Obama to HRC. Had HRC run in 2004, would it have been a man hating action to vote HRC over Bush, or would it simply be that someone doesn't like Bush.

[As of noon the 11th, there never was any misogyny on DU. No one called Hillary a whore, no one called Maddy McCall a bitch. It never happened.]

Clearly, a sleeper agent for the Republicans, from the get-go

[Yeah, right.]

So you broke out of the attic just to come get some pizza?

[That's FUnnie, I aways pictured Perry locked away in an attic.]

Those Posters Who Rec'd Should Get A Suspension

[And a kewpie doll.]

They should also TS everyone who recommended this spew of hatred.

[Calling the Thought Police.]

You're even a chickenshit; can't return to face the inevitable. Weak.

[I suspect the next we'll hear from Perry is one of his ridiculous YouTube rants, this time about DU.]

Locking.

Divisive. Flamebait.

[Here Lies A Disrupter. He Disrupted Poorly.]

"It's Going To Be Obama"

It's Going To Be Obama! It's Going To Be Obama! It's Going To Be Obama! DAMMIT!!! IT'S GOING TO BE OBAMA!

Apparently the DUmmies, led by their cheerleader, NanceGreggs, need to repeat that phrase over and over and over again as a kind of positive reinforcement against the dread possibility that (GASP!) it might NOT be Obama. If the latter scenario happens this November, look for many DUmmies make the trip to the Mother Ship to join the Heaven's Gate cult. Most other DUmmies could well end up completely disfunctional beating their heads helplessly against the wall over and over again.

I was actually witness to such an event at Bergin's bar in West L.A. years ago. I saw from the start what happened. Some guy was standing near me with his really hot date. All of a sudden some tall guy walked up to the woman and began talking to her. The woman looked at the tall guy with complete love in her eyes while utterly ignoring her the guy she was with. After an incredibly brief amount of time, the hot chick and the tall guy walked out of the bar together leaving her date behind looking utterly devastated. As a matter of fact, I don't believe I have ever seen a person looking so completely destroyed as the guy who lost his hot date to the tall guy. Okay, that's the breaks, I thought, and then I returned to my Scotch and thinking up some break the ice routine for some other woman I was eyeballing.

A short time later I heard some bizarre shouting from outside. A number of us, out of curiosity, exited the bar to see what was going on. It was the guy who got dumped. He was banging his head against the wall outside screaming over and over and over again: "BITCH! BITCH! BITCH!" And it wasn't minor head banding. He was bruised and bloodied but that didn't keep him from his loud rant which also included this line: "SHE DUMPED ME! BITCH! SHE DUMPED ME!"

All of us were standing around in helpless shock. How do you stop some obviously crazed guy from beating his head against the wall. Suddenly I came up with an idea that might help the situation as well as inject a bit of humor into it. Okay, I was also thinking this might be a good way to put myself to the attention of the woman I was eyeballing earlier who was also standing outside so I said: "Sir! Sir! Sir!" in between each of his head against the wall beatings. He momentarily stopped and looked at me so I asked him: "Have you considered trying primal scream therapy?" He stared at me for a few moments with glazed eyes that did not comprehend at all what I was saying. Then he returned right back to beating his head against the wall and screaming.

That is what the fate of the DUmmies and much of the left might be like if it is NOT going to be Obama as they now desperately hope. You can see just how desperate they are in this DUmmie THREAD titled, "It's Going To Be Obama." The subtitle really should be, "It BETTER be Obama!" So let us now join NanceGreggs and the other DUmmies as they close their eyes real hard and wish for their beloved Obama to save them from a total mental breakdown in November while the commentary of your humble correspondent, saving a spot on the Bergin's wall for the DUmmies to smash their heads against in November, is in the [barackets]:

Going To Be Obama

[Or I will end up senselessly smashing my head against the Bergin's wall in November.]

MEMO to the GOP:

[Barack is going to break his campaign financing pledge?]

Barack Hussein Obama will be the next President of the United States.

[GASP! You said his full middle name. When an EVIL Republican does it that is considered a smear but I guess it is permitted when DUmmie NanceGreggs writes the dreaded H-word.]

No matter how many of your on-the-payroll talking-heads spew utter nonsense about him, it’s going to be Obama.

[Keep saying it. Also close your eyes real tight, lean back, and click your heals together three times. It's going to be Obama...in the Land of Oz.]

No matter how many outrageous smears you come up, it’s going to be Obama.

[The latest smear about Obama is that he is going to break his promise to accept public campaign financing. However, I know it can't be true. Our beloved Obama is too good to break his sacred vows.]

No matter how many scurrilous lies your minions tell, it’s going to be Obama.

[Hey you lousy Republicans! It is an absolute LIE that Obama is going to break his promise about accepting public financing for his campaign!]

No matter how much effort your operatives put into swiftboating him, it’s going to be Obama.

[Don't you DARE say that Obama broke his campaign financing pledge! If you do then you are guilty of swiftboating him.]

No matter how many times you raise the specter of Reverend Wright, or flag-pins, or Chicago-style politics, it’s going to be Obama.

[In 20 years of sleeping in the pews, Obama never once heard Rev. Wright utter anything about slamming America...until he dumped Wright.]

No matter how often you attempt to insult his wife, his friends, or his associates, it’s going to be Obama.

[For the first time in my life I am proud of my...IT'S GOING TO BE OBAMA!!! DAMMIT!!!]

No matter how vociferously your pundits challenge his abilities and his competence, it’s going to be Obama.

[Obama was spot on about NAFTA...until he changed his position.]

No matter what tricks you plan to put into action between now and November, it’s going to be Obama.

[Don't you dare quote anything that Obama has said in the past. It is a dirty trick!]

No matter how many baseless rumors you try to pass off as the truth, it’s going to be Obama.

[I heard a wild rumor that Obama will break his promise to accept public financing of his campaign. NAW! It can't be true.]

No matter who you dredge up to speak against him, it’s going to be Obama

[Could we just use Hillary quotes?]

No matter what lengths you go to, or what depths you sink to in order to turn people against him, it’s going to be Obama.

[Don't you dare tell the truth about Obama or else we will accuse you of swiftboating!!!]

No matter where you go to dig up dirt, or how far your party tries to fling it, it’s going to be Obama.

[TRANSLATION: Don't you dare dig up Obama's own quotes.]

No matter how hard you to try to instill fear with suggestions of looming terrorism, it’s going to be Obama.

[Looming terrorism? How silly! The War On Terror is just a bumper sticker slogan.]

No matter who you cajole, threaten, or pay-off to besmirch his good name, it’s going to be Obama.

[So continues the NanceGreggs self-hypnotic ward-off-reality chant.]

No matter how often you publicly wring your hands and question his ability to lead a nation, it’s going to be Obama.

[Every day, in every little way, I'm getting better and better...I hope.]

No matter how passionately you proffer your arguments to the contrary, it’s going to be Obama.

[Proffer? Ooh! I like those fancy words you incorporate into your self-hypnotic ward-off-reality chant.]

No matter how shrill your voices get, or how incensed you become at the thought, it’s going to be Obama.

[You have your choice of locales this November, DUmmie NanceGreggs: the Mother Ship, Bergin's wall, or the Rubber Room. The latter comes with a free leather strap to bite down on.]

No matter what you do, say, fabricate, exaggerate, allude to, conjure up, pass along, shout, whisper, fantasize, publicize, propagate, proliferate, cause tears about, cause fears about, stomp your feet over, scream your fears over, pollute, dilute, spin, fold, staple or mutilate, the end result will be the same: it’s going to be Obama.

[No matter what you do, drool, barf, smell, bloviate, nauseate, rabidly rant, beat your heads about, endlessly chant about, break your skull over, pull your teeth out over, etc., etc., etc., the end result will be the same: it's going to be GREAT COMEDY MATERIAL for the DUmmie FUnnies.]

Barack Hussein Obama will be the next President of the United States.

[Not if you keep repeating his forbidden middle name, DUmmie NanceGreggs.]

That is all.

Try not to choke on the idea – but don’t feel obligated to try too hard.

[Now that DUmmie NanceGreggs is done choking on her own positive reinforcement chant, let us hear from the rest of the DUmmies...]

I detect hopefulness in the OP that has long been missing from this world.

[Yes, positive reinforcement is a very hopeful thing... It's going to be the Great Pumpkin! It's going to be the Great Pumpkin! IT'S GOING TO BE THE GREAT PUMPKIN!!!]

If NanceGreggs says it, it must be true!

[It's going to be the Great Pumpkin! It's going to be the Great Pumpkin! IT'S GOING TO BE THE GREAT PUMPKIN!!!]

I hope so

[Hey! Do I detect a slight note of doubt there? Off this thread you lousy heretic!]

I would yell and hoot and dance and wave my arms around and sing on that idea. At the top of my lungs!

[Don't forget the part about beating your head against the Bergin's wall in November.]

You know what? Let 'em. I figure it's THEIR TURN. We've had to choke on eight - to about 15 or 16 YEARS of it. Farther back than that, if you consider the years before Clinton - from maybe reagan onward. Let them choke for a change. Maybe some hard time wandering in the wilderness will provoke some circumspection and soul-searching.

[This election could provoke some self-circumcision among the DUmmies.]

But I don't just want to win, I want to give McCain a humiliation beating. All Republicans should get a humiliation beating too. So let's not just win, let's WIN!!!

[I'm guessing Bergin's wall for this DUmmie but the Mother Ship is also a definite option for him this November.]

We knew that all along, didn't we NanceGreggs?

[WOO! HOO! Break out the Freudenschade victory champagne!!!]

Today's rejection of public funding will assure it happening. No "swift boating" this time. The GOP will throw the 527s at him, but he will respond with all the money he needs.

[Breaking campaign promises is such a WONDERFUL thing!]

I hope I'm wrong, but I fully expect the GOP to steal the 2008 election, and no one will do a goddamn thing about it. It's worked twice already, why the hell wouldn't they do it again? We've already amply demonstrated that they can rely on nobody going after them for it.

[We own ALL your Diebold machines! Hee! Hee!]

Every last one of the pricks who have had their hands in our pockets for decades is absolutely shaking in their boots over 1.5 million people reaching into their pockets on a semi-regular basis in order to give.

[You mentioned in your sixth word just what those people will be grabbing when they reach into their pockets.]

Thanks for reminding me that sometimes the inevitable is INEVITABLE. It's going to be Obama!

[Woo-hoo! It's going to be the Great Pumpkin!]

We can certainly win this, but only if we fight hard for it.

[TRANSLATION: We must fight dirty.]

i think we should just call him hussein from now on!!! and watch the heads of republikan assholes explode!!!!

[Be our guests. And watch our heads explode with laughter!!!!]

Obama = PPOTUS. Presumptive President of These United States!

[Dewey = PPOTUS.]

I'm puttin' on my dancin' shoes. Can't wait to see Barack and Michelle at the Inaguration Ball. Bet she'll look stunning.

[If you're lucky, you'll also get one dance with the Great Pumpkin.]

For the next seven months I am going to vizualize a tall, proud, young president saying "I Barack Hussein Obama do solemnly swear" while glancing at the soon to be indicted war criminal whose legacy he will erase. I hope he puts a subtle emphasis on his middle name as he takes up the mantle we have helped him claim.

[At least this will be a break from visualizing President Albert Gore in the Alternate Reality for the past seven years.]

KOmmies Also Hail Bush War Crimes Trial Kangaroo Court

There is a popular myth among the MSM that, while DUmmieland may be a bit overboard in the sanity department, the Daily KOs KOmmies are thoughtful "progressives" worth of our respect. As readers of the DUmmie FUnnies well know, the KOmmies are every bit as looney as the DUmmies. A prime example is this KOmmie THREAD titled, "Massachusetts School of Law Organizing Bush War Crimes Trial." You will find the KOmmie rantings on this thread every bit as psychopathic as that of the DUMmies on an earlier DUmmie FUnnies EDITION on the same topic. So let us now watch the KOmmies prove that they are every bit as unbalanced as the DUmmies in Bolshevik Red while the commentary of your humble correspondent, noting that Leftwing lunacy has moved from the poltical to the clinical, is in the [brackets]:

Massachusetts School of Law Organizing Bush War Crimes Trial

[Yes! Inject this into the presidential campaign. YESSSS!!!]

The conference will be held on September 13-14 on the Andover campus.

[I hope C-SPAN covers this wall to rubber room wall.]

Established in 1988, the Massachusetts School of Law at Andover provides an inexpensive, quality legal education to minorities, immigrants and students from low-income families that would usually be denied any opportunity to obtain a legal education and subsequently practice law.

[Translation: Unaccredited law school rated at the bottom of the barrel. Now on to the KOmmie droolings...]

We ned some of the super-smart anti-impeachment crowd to go and tell these stupid law professors that any attempt to hold Bush accountable will cause Barack Obama to lose the election.

[Shhh! Don't spoil the FUn!]

Seeing him dangling from a rope is just too much to hope for.

[Is that knocking you hear the Secret Service at your front door?]

I like the part about Hanging them. Warms my heart to see this... to imagine Bush dangling and twisting in the wind. Realistically, speaking though, Bush WOULD be sentenced to death for treason and war crimes and the sentence be communted to life w/o parole.Rot in prison.

[Do they make pizza deliveries to your Rubber Room?]

I think that Obama is playing this just right. He is leaving the door open to investigate after he is elected.

[You are correct. Obama did say he wants to try members of the Bush administration for crimes in an INTERVIEW last April.]

We need control of the TV, which I have said for about 8 years. Broadcast the truth of things in place of the bullshit that comprises 99.9% of all TV programming and show them the war and show them coffins and dead children and how Bush lied us into this and hanging will be seen as NORMAL. We still need for them to spend their lives rotting inhumanely in prison. Living examples.

[How about if you just settle for control of your sanity?]

investigate first, indict 2nd, then convict. sentencing to follow. I am against the death penalty for the most part. I still seem to have that niggling thought that some crimes are just too heinous to not warrant death of the perpetrator. Do Bush and Cheney fall in that group of criminals? I tend to think so, but I would not call for their sentencing before the process is complete, regardless of how much I despise them. And despise them, I do, to the bottom of my heart.

[I bet this same KOmmie MOURNED the execution of Saddam.]

Obama's first act as President should be to arrest and hand over the principal actors of the current administration to the Hague.

[Obama already promised to sic his AG on the EVIL Bush regime so perhaps that will be his second act.]

My dream: At the swearing in ceremony, Obama turns to Bush and Cheney and says, "You're under arrest."

[Obama suggested that could happen in a newspaper interview last April.]

Has this plan been reported anywhere in the main stream media? If so, please post a link. Thanks

[Not yet primarily because the MSM fears your lunacy would harm Obama's campaign.]

I work for a prominent foundation funding this. The goal is to pursue it after the General Election so it won't become a campaign issue and backfire. They're dead serious about this. It's no partisan gimmick. They're looking for a legitimate criminal trial.

[Shhh! Don't let the public know about our planned kangaroo court until AFTER the election.]

I am opposed to capital punishment. However, in this case I would think that those in opposition might find it more acceptable if some more human features could be introduced: After the gallows, dragging of bodies through streets behind horses, Hummers or other outmoded forms of transport, with cobblestoned streets lined with cheering, expectorating spectators hurling rocks, rotted tomatoes and epithets--bringing in a more human element, allowing greater personal participation by the citizenry rather than merely cold execution by distant officials.

[Patient Kommie...Please report to Ward Eight for your daily Lithium treatment.]

"LAW SCHOOL TO ORGANIZE BUSH WAR CRIMES TRIAL"

As soon as I saw the title of this DUmmie THREAD, "LAW SCHOOL TO ORGANIZE BUSH WAR CRIMES TRIAL," I just knew that leftwing lunacy would come to the surface in full bloom. I was not disappointed. Yeah, let's put the EVIL Bush regime on trial for torturing prisoners with air conditioning and overfeeding them with orange glaze chicken. Such brutality must not go unpunished. Meanwhile have you noticed not a peep from the DUmmies about Al Quaeda terrorists sawing people's heads off on camera nor flying planes into buildings. Oops! I forgot. The latter was really orchestrated by Chimpus Khan. So let us now watch the leftwing Thought Police Kangeroo Court go into full lunatic gear in Bolshevik Red while the commentary of your humble correspondent, noting if there were ever one edition of the DUmmie FUnnies that you should show to your friends then this is it, is in the [brackets]:

LAW SCHOOL TO ORGANIZE BUSH WAR CRIMES TRIAL

[Judges to be chosen from DUmmieland and the ranks of Al Qaeda.]

A conference to plan the prosecution of President Bush and other high administration officials for war crimes will be held September 13-14 at the Massachusetts School of Law at Andover .

[Just in time to become an election issue. Not good for Obama.]

"This is not intended to be a mere discussion of violations of law that have occurred," said convener Lawrence Velvel, dean and cofounder of the school. "It is, rather, intended to be a planning conference at which plans will be laid and necessary organizational structures set up, to pursue the guilty as long as necessary and, if need be, to the ends of the Earth."

[A law school dean who is an absolute loon. Paging Sean Hannity. You need to put this NUtcase on your TV show so we can see a primo example of the Looney Left.]

"We must try to hold Bush administration leaders accountable in courts of justice," Velvel said. "And we must insist on appropriate punishments, including, if guilt is found, the hangings visited upon top German and Japanese war-criminals in the 1940s."

[Paging the Secret Service!]

Three words: Standing Room Only.

[Two words: Rubber Room.]

Fine them millions & billions and put them on the streets to survive. US should have the right to recover the cost of loss to the Treasury due to their royal-assholiness. The people of this nation should treat them as they treated the least of their borothers. Katrina, Gitmo, Ohio flood victims, middle class, lower class who have had programs cut for their schools, communities, national infrastructer, denied medical needs, starvation, homelessness, and all things good and necessary to sustain and strengthen this great country.

[Vengeance is Mine sayeth the DUmmie.]

There's something awfully compelling about the thought of The Commander Guy with a five-day growth of gray-white beard, sloppy drunk on muscatel, another pretzel gash across his cheek but, ooops, he hasn't seen a pretzel in months. Staggering into the homeless shelter and getting his ass kicked right back out as soon as he's recognized...

[Keep speaking. The shrink is taking notes.]

And Cheney with nobody to polish his scalp, $400 shoes with big holes in the thin leather soles, newspaper stuffed inside in a failed effort to keep out the rain and the cold, and now when he shoots somebody in the face while hunting, nobody's laughing. Instead, he gets busted just like all the rest of us would and the arresting cop decides to tase him just because he deserves it. Ooops, that fancy defibrillator isn't built to handle that kind of jolt. Ah well, it had to happen sooner or later...

[Ranted the DUmmie as the shink writes on his pad: "JUST PLAIN NUTS!!!"]

Then there's Rumsfeld and Rice and Hadley and Rove and Gonzales and Ashcroft and Powell and Gates and Addington and Libby and Perle and Wolfowitz and Feith and Zelikow and ... All of them penniless and on the streets. None of them with a clue how to survive without a mansion and maids and a gigantic bank account. Despised by all who recognize them. Beaten unconscious at least twice a week by somebody who's been waiting a very long time for the opportunity to express his feelings in an unambiguous way.

[Good news! There is a big eBay sale on butterfly nets.]

Seems their Cadillac health care benefits are long gone, too, so they have to go to the free clinic to get stitched up. So they end up sitting right next to a few of the faceless victims of their sadistic policies, some of whom seize the opportunity for a little ad hoc wealth redistribution and roll them for a couple of quarters here and a crumpled buck there -- money that they planned to pool for another quart of muscatel. Ah well...

[Bite down hard on the leather strap as the nice men in the white coats apply the juice for your weekly electro-shock therapy session.]

Damn life's a bitch when your past finally catches up with you.

[At least you won't have to worry about sanity catching up with you.]

Your scenario spells it out. This is what I truly wish for them. They should live among the mentally ill homeless. Fight with others for ownership to their space under a bridge. No rights other than to be born to this earth. As they gather at the table of the local soup kitchen they can talk of the days they dined with kings & emperors, but who's going to believe them, others at the kitchen? They've all got incredible stories to tell, triumphs and days of grandeur. No pricey shoe shopping for Condi.No jetting the world with an entourage of security & assistants, and no sleeping on the finest linens. Unkempt hair and head lice. Decayed and missing teeth. Calloused feet from days on the street. No bath, no masseuse, no soap. This is what they have dealt American citizens and this is what they should endure until the day they disappear and die for lack of affordable medical care. I can think of nothing more fitting for what they have selfishly taken from our Nation.

[Please use the hankie to wipe that rabid drool flowing down your chin.]

Speaking of wingers, is Margaret Thatcher still alive? Now there's a candidate for a little political readjustment if ever I saw one.

[Any liberal folks you know who don't think the left is full of mini-thought police need to read this thread. This is what the Left REALLY thinks.]

Just one more necessity: the plan requires a small army of enforcers, composed entirely of taser-equipped, pissed off lefties who'd rather eat razor blades than let the Bushies pull off a jail break. Or that they aren't rescued right off the streets by some misguided idiot who feels they've suffered enough.

[The proper term for those "enforcers" is "chekhists."]

So this is a first: I've never before considered that there are things worse for them and more personally satisfying for me than the scaffold or life without parole at Abu Ghraib or Gitmo. With maybe a little dose of their own approved "enhanced interrogation" methods thrown in just for justice' sake. Not that I'd reject either of those outcomes, but I really wouldn't mind seeing them deposited in a modern urban hell-scape that looks like a set from "Escape from New York." Except Snake won't be helping anybody out this time.

[And your mind looks like a set from "Escape from Mental Sanity."]

Why should the people in the street have to put up with them
put them is a dungeon, one that has water dripping in it and when it rains the water rises. Not enough to drown them, only enough to make them worry they might. Sorry, the part of me that wants to punish them the way they deserve got carried away.

[Posted the DUmmie who included a pic of a smiling Barack Obama following his rantings. ]

Lawrence Velvel for Speaker of the House!

[Barack Obama has Velvel in mind for Supreme Court justice.]

Bush could not wait for Saddam to be hung, and he did not even get the trial at the Hague that heads of state generally receive. The Bush cabal were too afraid of the beans he'd spill. These Bushistas are monsters. Hanging may be just the ticket for war crimes of this magnitude, even though I generally oppose the death penalty. Over a million Iraqis are dead thanks to the Bush cabal. And many more Americans than the official number have died because of the Bush war crime family.

[DUmmies are opposed to capital punishment...except when it comes to hanging members of the EVIL Bush cabal.]

The conference will take up such issues as the nature of domestic and international crimes committed; which high-level Bush officials, including Federal judges and Members of Congress, are chargeable with war crimes; which foreign and domestic tribunals can be used to prosecute them; and the setting up of an umbrella coordinating committee with representatives of legal groups concerned about the war crimes such as the Center for Constitutional Rights, ACLU, National Lawyers Guild, among others.

[This sounds like a major purge followed by mass liquidations carried out by the usual Bolshevik suspects.]

I sense a new energy in the force..

[I sense a new energy in the farce..]

This needs to happen.

[Publicity of this DUFU edition exposing the complete lunacy of the Left NEEDS TO HAPPEN. Therefore I am urging all DUFU fans to send out, and link to, this DUmmie FUnnies edition. This is NOT an isolated feeling of the left. It is widespread. Their lunacy needs to be publicized far and wide. Barack Obama himself has already STATED that he would look into prosecuting members of the Bush administration for War Crimes. That info came from the HUffington Post. Check it out!]

Santeria Replica Rooster Backlash At The Miami Herald

Take a look at this VIDEO of a Santeria replica rooster at the Miami Herald. The Miami Herald employees turned to a replica rooster sanctioned by a Santeria priest in the hope that they would be spared large job cutbacks. You can read details about this over at NEWSBUSTERS. Bottom line is that the replica rooster did not work as you can see from this Miami Herald ARTICLE titled, "Miami Herald to reduce its staff by 250," that was posted earlier today by John Dorschner.

See, here's the deal. If you are going to invoke Santeria, you're just going to have to go all the way and use real rooster sacrifice. This probably wouldn't please PETA but at least it wouldn't displease the gods of Santeria. However, I know of a way that might please the gods of Santeria without the use of rooster blood---Sacrifice the Herald online editor. I'm not kidding. SACRIFICE HIM because he is one of the big reasons that a lot of Herald employees are now losing their jobs. Okay, I am not saying kill him. Just sacrifice his employment at the Herald. This should not only placate the Santeria gods but also bring satisfaction to the Herald employees whose jobs were endangered by this idiot. Let me explain:

A little over two years ago, I sent an e-mail to the Herald's then executive editor, Tom Fiedler, outlining an idea I had on how to generate a lot more traffic to the Herald's online edition. Yeah, yeah, I know. Why should an evil vicious rightwinger such as myself help out the very liberal Miami Herald. Well, oddly enough, call it childhood nostalgia. I really enjoyed reading the Herald when I was a kid. It had a very unique look (until the had some moron made the inside pages look as dull as any other newspaper) and I really liked a lot of the features such as color photography which was way ahead of its time for a newspaper. Anyway, much to my pleasant surprise, Fiedler contacted me very quickly and was enthusiastic about my idea which (without going into a lot of detail here) involved a creative use of the newspaper's vast photo archives among other things. Fiedler then turned the project idea over to the Herald's online managing editor, Rick, and from there the project died from bureaucratic inertia.

I called Rick several times. He like the idea but, as he repeated over and over again, he didn't have the "resources" to undertake the proposed project. SHEESH! He made it sound like I was asking him to do the Manhattan Project when in reality almost any college intern with good computer skills could have set it up on an experimental basis in just a matter of days. However, there was no getting around the bureaucratic inertia of Rick. Eventually I gave up calling him because I was getting sick of his "not enough resources" lame excuse. And now we see the end result of folks like Rick. Big layoffs at the Herald. Therefore I propose that Rick, failing to do his job, offer to sacrifice his own job to the Santeria gods. That would please them much more than mere rooster blood.

Okay, enough with the venting. Let us now DUFU the Herald article announcing the big layoffs along with Herald readers comments in rooster blood red, while the commentary of your humble correspondent, maintaining that my idea might not have worked as expected but at least it was worth a try since almost NO resources were involved, is in the [brackets]:

Miami Herald to reduce its staff by 250

[Please, Santeria gods, make one of those staff reductions be the do-nothing online editor, Rick.]

Hammered by the same financial problems facing newspapers across the country, The Miami Herald announced plans to reduce its workforce by 250 full-time employees -- 17 percent of its staff.

[While the rest of the McClatchy papers had reductions of only about 10% due to the fact that the Santeria gods were displeased with a mere replica rooster...and a do-nothing online editor.]

Publisher David Landsberg said a dramatic reduction in revenue is causing the newspaper to shrink its full-time staff of 1,440 by either getting voluntary buyoffs or laying off 190 full-time and part-time employees, plus eliminating some open positions.

[Revenue lost in part because the Herald did not know how to adjust to the web.]

''This is a painful but necessary step,'' Landsberg wrote in an e-mail to employees. ``We're operating in a time of great change and challenge for our operations.''

[Too bad the online editor couldn't have taken the step of letting an upaid intern spend a few days setting up an experimental program to increase web traffic.]

The Miami Herald is owned by McClatchy, the third-largest newspaper company in the country. The layoffs announced Monday were part of a McClatchy reorganization that will eliminate 1,400 full-time employees -- 10 percent of the company's workforce.

[While the Herald took a 17% hit.]

McClatchy Chief Executive Gary Pruitt said The Miami Herald was being shrunk more than most of the group's other newspapers, because ``The Miami Herald's performance has been worse than most, if not all, of the newspapers, and secondly there were some opportunities for greater efficiencies.''

[Nice "endorsement" there from the McClatchy CEO.]

While having editions in English and Spanish made The Miami Herald hard to compare with the group's other newspapers, Pruitt said it was generally true that staffing at The Herald, formerly a Knight Ridder newspaper, was more than that of the historic McClatchy newspapers.

[And yet an unpaid college intern couldn't be spared to set up a program which might have reversed their steep decline or at least slowed it down.]

Pruitt said he was committed to continuing to offer readers a quality product. When asked if he viewed the reduction as cutting fat or muscle, he said, ``There's no doubt that we will have somewhat fewer resources, but we will remain the largest news operation in each of our markets, and we will be able to produce quality news reports.''

[Gary, could you at least please the Santeria gods by making a ritual sacrifice of Rick's, the do-nothing online editor, job?]

The Herald newsroom is expected to lose about 60 positions, including some now vacant. About 40 newsroom personnel are slated to take voluntary buyouts or be laid off.

[Rick should have been put out to pasture years ago.]

Those include 12 newsroom supervisors, five in the International Edition, two copy editors, three reporters, four designers and layout specialists, two on the state desk, two critics, two photographers and six in archiving and calendar.

[So where is the mention of a certain do-nothing online editor?]

Archiving, calendar and the International Edition will be outsourced to workers in India. The company is also exploring transferring its radio operations to a third-party company, but the services to public radio station WLRN will remain the same.

[You really need to outsource the online editor job to Apu the Indian and make Rick a manager of Kwik-E-Mart.]

Landsberg said the process will start by some employees being offered severance packages. ''If enough employees do not take the voluntary option, then the work groups will be reduced according to least tenure,'' he wrote.

[Advise to all newspaper employees: Take the severance package if it is offered because you are probably going to be fired very soon anyway.]

In any case, all those who lose their jobs will get severance packages.

[I would make the severance package for Rick a bag of stale potato chips.]

''As a news company, we have often reported on such transitions in other industries. Now we face the painful reality of severing employment ties with valued friends and colleagues, many of whom have served the company well for many years. We are sorry to do so, and will do everything possible to make their transition as smooth as possible,'' Landsberg wrote in an e-mail to employees.

[Smooth as a kick in the behind.]

''As a news company, we have often reported on such transitions in other industries. Now we face the painful reality of severing employment ties with valued friends and colleagues, many of whom have served the company well for many years. We are sorry to do so, and will do everything possible to make their transition as smooth as possible,'' Landsberg wrote in an e-mail to employees.

[And if they fire twice as many people, they will save twice as much. Watch out for next year's cuts.]

McClatchy has historically avoided broad layoffs and resorted to reductions through attrition and outsourcing. With these strategies, the company-wide workforce shrank 13 percent between the end of 2006 and April 2008. But executives said these moves were not enough after the company reported a loss for the first quarter of 2008.

[Which means McClatchy gave the boot to about a quarter of its employees in a little over a year.]

While the online audience for McClatchy websites grew 25 percent in 2007 and 41 percent in the first quarter of 2008, ad revenue has not kept pace. McClatchy reported a 15 percent drop in ad revenue for the first quarter, which resulted in a loss of $849,000. In May, ad revenue fell 16.6 percent compared with the same month last year.

[The Craigslist Effect.]

At The Miami Herald, Landsberg said the company will reduce the number of smaller, niche publications it produces, merge some departments and outsource some functions.

[Outsourcing to India. It's going to be strange to be interviewed by a reporter on the phone who sounds just like Apu.]

''In planning for all this, our leadership team has made every effort to minimize the impact on our advertisers and readers,'' Landsberg said in the e-mail.

[Okay, this article goes on a lot longer but I am already bored by Landsberg's lame excuses. So let us now Hark the Herald Angels Sing (reader comments)...]

The first person you should fire is Leonard Pitts.

[Wrong! Rick MUST be first!]

It's cheaper to outsource to another country

[Apu for online editor!!!]

It would be funny if the guy who wrote this is one of the ones being laid off.

[I once read about a slave labor project in the Gulag where everybody ended up being executed. And the last guy executed was the one in charge of the executions.]

maybe that's because this newspaper has become a joke. There's nothing substantial here, half the columnists don't know how to write, and the online version of the newspaper is scattered and random. get your act together!!

[After Wilma I had to turn to the blogs to get in-depth information about that hurricane. The local newspapers only had minimal info.]

Oppenheimer should be given a severance package and be replaced by two college interns.

[One of whom would have good computer skills to set up my proposed project in a number of days. Of course, Rick couldn't spare the "resources."]

Bring back the Miami News. The News was twice the paper the Herald was and that was when the Herald actually had writers who spoke English and editors who knew how to edit. That would make the old Miami News ten times the paper the Herald is today. If you want to revive the Herald start actually reporting the news and stop taking wire copy or fluff from governmental PIOs. Make the paper worth reading and maybe, just MAYBE the readers will come back.

[Good idea. I used to stop by the Herald building in the middle of the night to shoot the breeze with columnist John Keasler of the Miami News. First time I ever arrived there he was gone. The guard told me I would still be able to find Keasler's desk to leave a note for him. When I asked him which desk, he told me not to worry I would find it because it would look unlike any other desk in the newsroom. He was right. Keasler's desk looked like an atomic bomb hit it. A complete mess compared to the other desks in there. Anyway, I eventually did catch Keasler on many visits. Much of the voice you hear in the DUFUs belongs originally to John Keasler of the Miami News. < /nostalgia>]

The Herald letting go 250 people can be summed up with 2 words: "Thank God".

[Also "Thank Rick."]

"Obama's astrological chart"

The FUnniest thing about this DUmmie THREAD titled, "Obama's astrological chart," isn't so much the subject matter as the fact that it was posted in the DUmmie Presidential forum. Normally such astrological analysis is posted in their Astrology forum but I guess enough DUmmies take astrology so seriously that this was allowed in the much busier Presidential forum. So let us now watch the DUmmies take the divining properties of chunks of mud and rock whirling through the ether in complete seriousness while the commentary of your humble correspondent, waiting for a prognostication of the election via analyzing chicken entrails, is in the [barackets]:

Obama's astrological chart

[Where the moon rises in Uranus.]

It's like a road map and a good astrologer can read what to watch out for and the best times to take advantages of oportunities to name a couple things. And, it's only as good as the astrologer one has.

[An astrologer who is a certified graduate of Kook U.]

There's a forum established for discussing this faith ("Spirituality") without "ridicule" or critical examination, but GD:P isn't it.

[No, no. General Discussion: Presidential is the PERFECT place for this astrology thread.]

Obama is a Leo, great sign for leadership

[I once knew a Jason Leo-pold.]

I've got a bucket of chicken guts that proves this chart wrong.

[HERETIC!!!]

Apparently the astrological community has reached some level of concensus about the meaning of chiron because a lot of astrologers have been including it in their charts lately. Some astrologers do include other minor bodies in the solar system in their charts in attemp to derive the meaning if any. Most bodies in the solar system haven't been known long enough for astrologers to have settled on a meaning yet.

[I'm guessing that a meeting of the "astrological community" would look like a New Age version of the bar scene in Star Wars.]

Chiron, from what I've been told... represents the "Wounded Healer" archtype.

[Silly me. All this time I thought it represented the LIGHTWORKER "archtype."]

Uranus, Neptune, and Pluto have interpretations that are very similar to Mercury, Venus, and Mars respectively. The "ancients" didn't know those planets existed, and Saturn was considered to be the outermost planet -- hence several of its interpretations (restriction, boundaries, limitations, karma). When people started interpreting the outer planets, it seems like they interpreted them to be of similar energies to the inner planets, but "a higher octave" in the words of an astrology buff I know.

[So astrological predictions were fined tuned to "a higher octave" by Uranus?]

Barack has Mars and Pluto in his seventh house. The seventh house is relationships and partnerships. Mars usually is associated with anger and passion, Pluto with sex, death, rebirth, transformation, psychotherapy, "intense" energy. Mars and Pluto are both in Virgo, but the sign that an outer planet is in is generally not as important as the house. Virgo energy is hard-working, perfectionism.

[So what house does Barack keep Uranus in?]

In my experience, I've used astrology over the last 40 years as a relationship tool. The personality traits may seem generalized, but I find them true to form. Put a bunch of us Cancers together and you'll hear a lot of, "can I get you anything?" "are you comfortable?" along with tea and sympathy.

HOROSCOPES are a whole other ball game. What you see in the newspaper is ENTERTAINMENT. You can't "tell the future" with astrology.

[A DUmmie sets us straight. Horoscopes are fake but astrology is the real deal.]

I believe in astrology to some extent...
from my own personal studies of over 25 years. Big changes in life can be predicted by the aspects of Saturn. It takes @ 28 years to orbit your chart. It is a stern professor. Mars is a planet of energy. You may procrastinate and put off decisions but when Mars is in the right aspect, you will act on your decisions. Venus is a planet of emotions and love. Your eye will wander when Venus is in your Sun sign. Mercury is the planet of communications, which at the present is in retrograde in Gemini, and will go forward around the 20th of this month. You can write and communicate better under good aspects of Mercury.

[You only believe in astrology "to some extent?" It sounds like you've swallowed it hook, line, and sinker.]

Since I've been appying astrology to my life since the early '80's, it's been very helpful in analyzing why I did certain things in my past and how to change things I didn't like about myself. It's really been invaluble to me but I know it's obviously not for everyone.

[Apparently it didn't help you change your incredible gullibility.]

That would be interesting! I need to find out when and what time and where he was born

[Why don't you check Obama's "birth certificate" now online? It has been authenticated by Dan Rather.]

Are there any peer-reviewed scientific journals verifying the mechanism by which astrology functions? If there were, most if not all of the people who are criticizing this thread would come around.

[Hey, just check your own DUmmie Astrology forum for verifying the mechanism by which astrology functions.]

I have heard some astrologers refer to Chiron as the missing piece of the puzzle, and I will it admit that it's inclusion in my chart points to a significant event in my childhood that was not indicated anywhere else in the chart.

[Elron (Hubbard) pointed to significant events in Tom Cruise's childhood.]

My astrologer told me last week that they had a new birth time on Senator Obama and that he was actually Aquarius Rising and not Scorpio Rising as first thought. She seemed to indicate that Leo with Aquarius Rising was more fortuitous for Senator Obama's work. That would also change the houses that the planets fall in his chart.

[Did your astrology also tell you that they had a new birth "certificate" on Senator Obama?]

This woman is a true authority and she was excited about him being Aquarius Rising. She thought that the power structure was going to try everything possible to stop him. And she really got an ominous tone on that point. But she felt that We, The People would say enough. We are moving from a Saturn influence to a Mercury phase.

[While skipping Uranus?]

In Chinese astrology 1961 would be the year of the Ox.

[In Hebrew astrology 1961 would be the year of the Lox.]

Venus in Cancer is also obvious -- I recall earlier discussions here about how Obama tends to exhibit more "feminine" characteristics in his approach to politics than Hillary Clinton does. He really DOES care -- and in the 5th house (the natural home of Leo), that care and nurturing extends to the larger group and his place in that group as a responsible leader giving of himself for the greater good.

[Even more than the Breck Girl?]

And until the materialists can scientifically explain what existed BEFORE the "Big Bang" then I submit that we are on equal grounds in terms of defining "reality".

[NOTHING existed BEFORE the "Big Bang" because time itself didn't exist. BTW, I found the Nova program last night about Einstein's discoveries about Time, Matter, and Energy to be much more interesting than whether the moon is rising in Uranus.]

There is no "before" the big bang. Space-time comes to a singularity at that particular point. There is not before, above, to the left of, or anything of the sort, because those dimensions exist within and are defined by the universe.

[I'm still wrestling with the concept that EVERYTHING in the universe began in something much much smaller than an atom. Much more fascinating than astrology.]

I've also heard you can learn a lot about a person by
reading the residue of their butt candles.

[Ben Burch dreams of candles rising in Uranus.]