Pitt Whitewashes Hoaxmas Out of Self-Glorifying Essay

Imagine if a Serb by the name of Gavrilo Princip wrote an essay about himself and happened to leave out the part about assassinating Archduke Ferdinand which led to the outbreak of WWI? Well, something almost as absurd happened when WILLIAM RIVERS PITT wrote an an essay about himself and just so happened to leave out his leading role in perpetrating Hoaxmas which was the "scoop" about how Karl Rove was indicted on May 12, 2006. You can see Pitt's self glorifying essay at TRUTHOUT and in DUmmieland where one of his minions reposted it. So let us watch Pied Piper Pitt conveniently forget to mention the event that has branded him forever in Bolshevik Red while the commentary of your humble correspondent, noting that Hoaxmas lives on forever as high comedy, is in the [brackets]:

These Empty Spaces

[And the biggest empty space in Pitt's self-worship essay is May 12, 2006. Whitewashed away.]

My purpose in this life is to chronicle the events of our time, to shine a light on events and actions that damage us all, to reveal good works whenever they actually happen, and when possible, to show people places and times where they can make a difference should they choose to get involved. In the ten years I've been at it, I have seen everything: wars and rumors of wars; economic collapse and environmental calamity; state-sanctioned murder and torture and rape; theft, graft, fraud, deception and greed vast and dense enough to bend the light.

[Have you seen journalistic fraud? Oh, and your purpose in life is strictly to entertain DUFU readers with inadvertent comedy material...like this current self-love essay.]

I have also seen millions upon millions of people pour into the streets to raise their voices as one against all these terrible things. I have seen people hurl themselves into political campaigns that have no hope of succeeding because they believed in the candidate, because the campaign message mattered as much as winning, and was made of so much truth that it required their labor. I have seen previously disconnected people get plugged in somewhere, anywhere, because they could no longer abide the silence of the sidelines.

[I've seen YOU hurl yourself into the campaign of Dennis Kucinich which had no hope of succeeding because you betrayed him by feeding secret campaign material to another candidate so you could earn brownie points from Kerry.]

I have seen a man, a veteran of the ongoing Iraq war, walk past me on the street on two prosthetic legs. I have looked into the eyes of too many people whose futures were charred to ash by the flagrant criminality that continues on Wall Street even to this very moment. I have watched helplessly as friends lost their jobs, their homes, and their hopes. I have seen people rise above all this, and I have seen people subsumed by it.

[Did you watch your friend, Jason Leopold, lose his TruthOut job due to fraud? Nope. He got promoted.]

In 2006, I watched as the George W. Bush Big Top Circus finally, finally, finally crashed and burned under the weight of its own incalculable wretchedness. The American people finally stopped buying what he and his people were selling, and on one memorable November night, I watched as those people removed what had been total congressional power from the GOP and hand it to the Democrats. Then I watched as those Democrats failed to do anything even remotely close to stopping the wars, as they failed to thwart the noxious aspirations of the Bush administration, failed to properly investigate and expose the crimes of that administration, failed to impeach, failed to do anything but enjoy the new offices they got for holding majority power.

[2006. Funny you should mention that year. What else happened around May 12, 2006? I'll give you 24 business hours to come up with the answer, Will.]

In 2008, I watched history unfold. The Democrats expanded their control in congress, and more importantly, a black man and a white woman grappled for the White House against a demonstrably unfit Republican from Arizona, a man whose final epitaph will someday credit him for further poisoning our political culture by elevating Sarah Palin to national prominence. On the night Barack Obama sealed his victory in the general election, the reaction across the country was two-thirds jubilation and one-third doomed dismay; in Boston, thousands of people took to the streets beating drums and banging pots as they shouted with joy, while others made hasty arrangements to buy as many guns as possible. That January, the world watched as the United States shrugged off two centuries of rancid history by inaugurating a president who, just fifty years earlier, would have been required to use a separate water fountain if he wanted to quench his thirst.

[2008? How about if we go back to 2006? May 12, 2006 to be exact.]

I was not lured into believing the 2008 presidential election was going to mark the beginning of a sea change in American politics. I approach politics and politicians with one simple rule in mind: if I have heard of a politician, count on that politician being deeply and perhaps irredeemably compromised. In order to achieve the kind of notoriety and financing required to be successful in politics, politicians have to sign their names on a number of dotted lines that are not in any way in the best interests of the people. There are exceptions to this, of course - Sen. Paul Wellstone was one, and Rep. Dennis Kucinich is another - but for the most part, a politician who has reached the lofty heights of genuine power and influence does so by donating themselves to the crooked interests that donated to them on the way up.

[Yes, poor Dennis Kucinich. Undermined from within his own campaign by a backstabbing press secretary. Tell us again about folks who have maintained their sacred purity.]

President Obama is no different. He took money from BP, which is killing the Gulf as we speak. He took money from the big banks and investment houses that raped our future even as they laughed their way into massive and undeserved bonuses. He is a creature of the "defense" industry, just like every president before him going back to Truman. He is an American politician who reached the highest possible position, and I knew going in that he would be, in the main, another compromised disappointment. Better, but not by much.

[Better watch out. That statement will get you tombstoned from DUmmieland if you hadn't already been tombstoned for threatening to kill a homeless woman.]

I thought I was prepared for this, but a year and a half into this brave new world, I feel...I don't know exactly what. I am glad Obama is the president, I am glad McCain is not, I am glad the derangement of Republican rule has been upended, I am pleased with a number of policy initiatives that have been undertaken, and yet there are these empty spaces in my mind and heart that actually, literally, ache. A few things are better, a lot of things are worse, and most things remain exactly the same. I knew it would be like this, but still, the emptiness is there.

[The emptiness that is any mention of May 12, 2006.]

My role is to chronicle these times. During all the years I have done so, I have been clinging to a belief that has managed to sustain me even on the darkest of days, a belief that has always filled some of that emptiness. It is a belief I fear our president has allowed himself to forget amid the cacophony of corporate power, military mayhem and runaway greed which binds him to a familiar course that, if left unchecked, will come to be the end of us all.

[Your role is to entertain DUFU readers such as the preceding paragraph chock full of self-glorifying narcissism completely divorced from reality.]

This belief is simple: America is an idea. We have borders, roads, cities, farms, armies, but that is not America. The idea that is America was forged in the crucible of Europe, when kings could mandate a state religion and incarcerate or kill whoever disagreed, when rights only existed if the powerful deemed them so. The idea that is America was forged upon the premise that these things were wrong on their face, that people are endowed with rights that cannot be taken away by fiat. At no time in history had any nation premised its existence on the bedrock truth that all of us are created equal until the Founders did so in Philadelphia, and in doing so, they created a self-improving process of national growth and redemption that functions through the will of the people alone.

[More hackneyed clichés trying to pass itself off as profound! More! Oh, and don't forget to add in your hockey puck geopolitical theories about the Third American Empire born at the 1980 Winter Olympics.]

We are an idea, and all of us are bound to it through the ink that explains us on old pieces of parchment. We are an idea, and in that idea, we can locate our nobility, our strength, and the better angels of our nature. Too many of us, including our president and congressional representatives, have forgotten this. Perhaps, if we remind them in strong enough terms, if we make We The People a true force for right instead of a catch-phrase, things would get better. Until then, the idea that is America will continue to wither, and the empty spaces within will endure.

[Sorry, Pitt, but "better angels of our nature" was used 145 years ago and Abe Lincoln you definitely ain't. And I am still trying to locate any mention of Hoaxmas somewhere within that pompous cliché ridden ode to yourself. The final word goes to the Kewpie Doll winning DUmmie who came up with the following apt description of Pitt's empty space essay...]

Cliche-driven piffle - reads like a speech a HS class president would give to the local VFW to sell raffle tickets to a pancake dinner benefiting the local cheer-leading squad.

Skinner Writes Hilariously Detailed Rules For DUmmie Dissent

"Just plain NUts!!!"

That is the phrase that comes to mind when reading head DUmmie Skinner's new, obsessively detailed, highly redundant rules dealing with DUmmie dissent following the discovery by many in DUmmieland that the Mighty Ozbama is a mere mortal hiding behind his teleprompter. The FUnniest thing about these rules is that Skinner is DEAD SERIOUS and yet it comes off as completely hilarious in its utter obsessiveness as you can see in his THREAD, "Democratic Underground is changing. It's time to change the way we run it." So let us now watch Head DUmmie Skinner obsessively attempt to micromanage DUmmieland in Bolshevik Red while the commentary of your humble correspondent, profusely thanking Skinner for some of the best DUmmie comedy material ever, is in the [barackets]:

Democratic Underground is changing. It's time to change the way we run it.

[Any kind of dissent is so alien to our nature that we have to develop a whole new set of incredibly bizarre rules on how to deal with it.]

As you know, Barack Obama is the first Democratic President since DU was created back in 2001. Nearly a year-and-a-half into his administration, it is apparent that having a Democrat in the White House presents new and difficult challenges for the DU community.

[Hmmm... The Free Republic had TONS of dissent over Bush's support for shamnesty and attempting to appoint Harriet Miers to the Supreme Court yet NOT ONE new rule was developed on how to deal with that situation. OTOH, Skinner will soon post, in excruciating but hilarious detail a multitude of redundant rules on how to write about The One.]

The DU Administrators have long been frustrated with the persistent undercurrent of negativity and conflict here, which has been exacerbated by the lack of a common villain in the form of George W. Bush. But we have been reluctant to make changes to the way we run the site out of fear that we might do more harm than good. The problems we face are extraordinarily complicated, and despite (or perhaps because of) nearly a decade of administering this site we tend to be fairly skeptical of our own ability to effect broad-based changes that will improve DU for the majority of our members.

[Extraordinarily complicated? It's really simple. Some DUmmies have noticed that their Obamessiah is flawed and you don't know how to deal with it.]

So we have been banging our heads against the wall for a long time trying to figure out what we can or should do to try to make DU "better." We are committed to maintaining Democratic Underground as a community that welcomes a wide range of Democratic and progressive viewpoints. Now that we have a Democratic President, we will remain open to members who are generally critical of him, members who are generally supportive of him, and the majority of members who do not fall neatly into either camp. We considered many possible approaches -- from adding lots of new rules to getting rid of most of them -- and eventually came to realize that the DU rules we already have are actually pretty good. But we do not all share a consistent view of what they mean or how they should be enforced now that the larger political environment has changed.

[DU rules have been simple. Don't march in lockstep with the Party Line and you get Tombstoned. However it is going to be hilarious to see you spell out your new rules.]

So, our goal is to get everyone back on the same page. To be clear, we are not promising that all the discussions here are going to be "nicer," or that you will no longer have to read stuff on DU that you find annoying -- in fact, some of that stuff (depending on your point of view) might get worse rather than better. What we are trying to do is to make it more clear where the limits are. In practice, this means moderating will likely be more aggressive in some areas and less aggressive in others. We have no illusions that this approach will make everyone happy. But we hope by managing expectations and better explaining limits, we'll have a few more satisfied people here than we have now.

[Will you check the papers of any DUmmie suspected of being a LOUSY FREEPER TROLL?]

So after a great deal of consideration we've come up with a proposal to try and make DU a community again.

["A proposal?" Don't be so humble, Skinner. You have written up an obsessive series of detailed proposals notable for their unintentional hilarity.]

To be clear: These changes have not been implemented yet. Hopefully we can phase them in over the next couple weeks.

[Why am I picturing that scene from "Casablanca" where the loudspeakers in Paris announce in German the new rules of the approaching New Order?]

1. A clear, concise version of the DU rules will be pinned to the top of the two General Discussion forums, and will appear whenever someone clicks "Alert"

[Make the rules flash like neon signs. Please! Pretty please!]

We believe that most of the DU rules are just common decency and common sense, and if everyone just tried to participate in the spirit of mutual respect it would not be necessary to post a list of rules. Of course, that is just a dream. Here in the real world it is necessary to have some concrete standards so people understand what is expected of them.

[Another movie flashback. This time Strother Martin as the chain gang boss in "Cool Hand Luke" explaining the rules.]

With this in mind, we have "boiled down" the DU rules to remove all the explanatory filler and provide a straightforward list of violations. That list is below. This will hopefully make the rules much clearer for everyone -- members, moderators, and even administrators -- and get everyone on the same page. Unfortunately, there will always be some level of subjectivity when deciding what is within bounds and what is not. But we have made every reasonable effort to be both clear and concise, and remove unnecessary gray areas.

["and get everyone on the same page" aka "getting your mind right."]

Here is the official "list of violations" from the DU rules:

[Pay Attention! (Especially YOU Will Pitt).]

LIST OF RULE VIOLATIONS

[Let the comedy begin!]

{ } Personal Attack - When discussing individual DU members, the following are considered personal attacks:

[Threatening to kill DUmmie bobolink in a public park?]

- Personal attacks, name-calling, or other insults.
- Telling someone to "shut up," "screw you," "go away," "f*ck off," or the like.
- Calling someone a liar, or calling a post a lie.
- Calling someone a conservative, disruptor, or similar.
- Calling someone a bigot.
- Belittling someone for being new or having a low post count.
- Negatively "calling out" someone who is not participating in the discussion.

[How about calling someone a "poopyhead?" Or a "toilet plunger."]

{ } Broad-brush or Extreme Group Attack - When discussing groups of DU members, the following are considered broad-brush group attacks:
- Broad-brush attack - intended to paint all people belonging to a particular group in a negative light. (The word "all" can be explicitly stated or implied.)

- Name-calling - Referring to any group of DU members by names intended to paint them in a negative light.
- Suggesting that any group of DU members are conservatives, disruptors, or similar.
- Belittling people who are new or have a low post count.
- Suggesting that any group of DU members are not Democrats, liberals, or progressives.
- Suggesting that a particular point of view is required in order to be a Democrat, liberal, or progressive.
- Note: As a general guideline, if it is possible to identify specific individuals who are being attacked, then it is against the rules. But if the attack is against a vaguely defined group of "some but not all" people, then it might be permitted.

[What if the attack is on mostly some of all the people? Is that permitted?]

{ } Insensitive - Includes bigotry, hate, ridicule, stereotyping, or insensitivity based on:
- Race or ethnicity.
- Gender (women or men).
- Sexual Orientation.
- Religion or lack of religion (Christians, Jews, Muslims, Atheists, Agnostics, etc.).
- Geographic region or place of origin.
- Disability (mental or physical).
- Weight or other physical characteristics.
- Use of insensitive terminology ("cocksucker," "c*nt," "bitch," "whore," "retard," etc.).

[You left off Gaiaists and Druids. So is it okay to use "insensitive terminology" on them?]

{ } Inflammatory, inappropriate, or over-the-top
- Any post which is, in the consensus of the moderators, too rhetorically hot, too divisive, too extreme, or too inflammatory.
- Advocating violent overthrow of the government, or harm toward high-ranking officials.
- Broad-brush smears toward law enforcement or military service members.
- Advocating the defeat of the US military, attack against the US, or other overtly anti-American sentiment.
- Sexually explicit content.
- Graphic violence, gore, pain, or human suffering (except with a legitimate political purpose, and with a clear warning in the subject line).
- Asking for medical advice.
- "Gravedancing" or "gravemourning" when someone is banned.
- Signature line/avatar image violates DU rules, is controversial, or is likely to cause discussions to go off-topic.

[Too bad you didn't have the above posted earlier. It would have prevented the Pied Piper from being tombstoned. Unfortunately, the perpetrator of Hoaxmas is now...Gone With The Wind.

{ } Inappropriate attacks against Democrats
- Insults against prominent Democrats, such as "F*ck Obama."
- Name-calling against prominent Democrats. Calling Barack Obama "Barry" or some other name.
- Repeating Republican partisan attacks against Democrats.
- Broadly suggesting that there is no difference between Barack Obama and George W. Bush, or that there is no difference between Democrats and Republicans. (Arguing that specific policies are the same would be permitted.)
- Suggesting that President Obama has perpetrated a "con job" or "fraud," or similarly over-the-top assertions of bad faith.
- Advocating voting against Democrats, or in favor of third-party or GOP candidates.
- Broad-brush smears against Democrats generally. Broad expressions of contempt toward Democrats generally.

[The above will be cited when the heretics are subjected to the DUmmieland auto-da-fé.]

{ } Harassment or threats
- Any type of threat against another member of this community, either explicit or implied.
- Any action intended to harm another person -- physically, mentally, emotionally, or otherwise.
- A sustained or organized effort to demean, belittle, bully, or ostracize another person.
- Digging up or posting personal information about any private individual, on DU or elsewhere.
- Stalking someone across discussion threads or forums.

["Any action intended to harm another person -- physically, mentally, emotionally, or otherwise." Why not just shorten this to the "Will Pitt Rule?"]

{ } Rule enforcement issues
- Publicly complaining about rule enforcement.
- Publicly accusing the moderators/administrators of bias.
- Publicly "calling-out" the moderators/administrators over specific enforcement action.
- Continuing an argument from a locked thread or from a thread you have been blocked out of.

[The Thought Police will NOT be questioned!]

{ } Spamming
- Posting the same message repeatedly.
- Personal fundraising, for-profit advertising, or selling products or services (except in the DU Marketplace forum, or if given explicit permission from the DU administrators).
- Posting entirely in capital letters.

[Personal fundraising is banned? An "Andy" rule to have. And Bev Harris is just $10 away from making John F. Kerry president.]

{ } Off-topic/Wrong forum
- Any discussion thread or post that is off-topic for the forum or group in which it is posted.
- Non-news items posted in the Latest Breaking News forum.
- Highly speculative "conspiracy theory" topics outside the September 11 forum.
- Discussion of the Arab/Israeli conflict outside the Israel/Palestine forum.
- Discussion of purely religious topics outside the Religion/Theology forum.
- "Rallying the troops" in a forum or group to disrupt elsewhere on the website.

[Sigh! Will these rules ever end or will they stretch to the length of an ObamaCare bill?]

{ } Inappropriate source
- Websites with a focus on disrupting Democratic Underground and/or smearing DU members.
- Websites with bigoted content (Holocaust skepticism, Jewish conspiracies, and the like).
- Note: Linking to right-wing websites is usually permitted, provided the intent is to expose their agenda rather than agree with it.

[Admit it, Skinner. You had the DUmmie FUnnies in mind when writing, "Websites with a focus on disrupting Democratic Underground and/or smearing DU members."]

{ } Copyright violations
- Excerpt exceeds 4 paragraphs, or does not have a link to the source.

[ZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.....]

{ } Other (Please explain)

[ZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz..... Oh! You're finally done?]

Please note that in this effort, we gave special consideration to what can and cannot be said about prominent Democrats. As you know, the DU rules explicitly state that "Constructive criticism of Democrats or the Democratic Party is permitted." But that comes with a caveat: "When doing so, please keep in mind that most of our members come to this website in order to get a break from the constant attacks in the media against our candidates and our values. Highly inflammatory or divisive attacks that echo the tone or substance of our political opponents are not welcome here." I know many of you believe that any attack against Democrats, no matter how inflammatory or divisive, should be permitted here, but that is not what I believe and it is not what the DU rules say.

[Oops! My mistake, Skinner. You just can't let go.]

Now that we have a Democratic President, I do not think it is unreasonable to expect that he be shown more respect here than the illegitimate, incompetent asshole who previously held the office. He should be referred to as "President Obama," "Barack Obama," or simply "Obama." Calling him derogatory names (including "Barry"), attacking him with content-free insults, or parroting partisan attacks from the McCain/Palin campaign, are all disrespectful to this community as a whole. If you think that is unreasonable, then you are going to have difficulty here going forward. But if you are among the vast majority of people who criticize President Obama in a constructive and respectful manner, you have my appreciation. You are a valued member of this community.

[Can we call him "BO?"]

2. When a post is deleted, the author of the post will be able to see the text of the deleted post, and the rule it violated.

[Can I see the deleted posts? I'm missing a lot of great comedic DUFU material when you make those deletions.]

When a post is deleted, most people will still see the same old "Name removed/Deleted message" placeholder, but the author of the post will be given access to the full text of that post, along with specific rule it violated. We fully expect that this will cause some consternation from members at first. But it is obviously the right thing to do. Most importantly, it will help educate our members about the DU rules and how they are enforced. Over time, we hope this will help those of you who want to be constructive members figure out how to do so. In addition, it will let the author review the post to see the violation -- we know from experience that people will often forget the stray personal attack they added to the end of an otherwise appropriate post. And finally, it gives a powerful incentive for the moderators and administrators to double-check our work and make sure we are justified in removing a post.

[Fortunately the DUFUs were able to capture most of Pied Piper Pitt's posts before they were deleted just prior to his tombstoning.]

3. When a member has a post deleted from a thread, that member will be automatically blocked from posting again in that thread.

[Except when he has been fouled which means the ball is taken back 10 yards.]

We understand that this idea may upset some people. We understand that nobody wants to be blocked out of a discussion thread because of an honest posting mistake, and we do not want to do that to any of our members. But we believe blocking one person out of a thread is a less draconian solution than locking the entire thread so nobody can participate.

[Out of sight; out of mind. Mostly out of mind.]

We know many of you are tired of threads getting locked when the original post does not break the rules. We are tired of locking those threads. Members have long complained that under our current approach, a determined person (or group of people) can get a thread locked by repeatedly breaking the rules in the thread so it is almost impossible for the moderators to clean up after them.

[The image of moderators with pooper scoopers comes to mind.]

If someone is blocked out of a thread after their first deletion, then they have a disincentive to break the rules in the first place. Furthermore, it provides an incentive for other people to alert on rule-breaking posts so the author of those posts can be stopped from causing further damage.

[Now I am picturing moderators dressed like referees and tossing the Bolshevik Red flag into the air. PERSONAL FOUL! 10 YARDS!]

Would this always be fair? Of course not. But our sincere hope is that we could completely stop locking threads when the original post does not break the rules. We also hope that we could completely stop the practice of deleting entire sub-threads -- which often results in "innocent bystanders" having their posts removed unfairly.

[Will this also stop locking brakes?]

4. A uniform approach for dealing with frequent rule-breakers.

[More detailed than the NFL rulebook...]

Earlier this year we made a number of upgrades to our behind-the-scenes moderating system which allow the moderators to respond much more quickly to alerts. But moderators still do not have a uniform system for dealing with members who repeatedly break the rules. This needs to change.

[The DUmmie Quick Response Team...]

Going forward, members who break the rules repeatedly will be automatically brought up for regular reviews in the Moderator Forum. When this occurs, the moderators will take a look at the member's recent activity to decide whether it is appropriate to take any additional enforcement action: sending a private message, sending a warning, handing out a suspension, or banning someone outright.

[Bring Pitt back for a public auto-da-fé !]

When deciding what action is appropriate, special consideration will be given to determining whether we believe someone is, overall, a constructive and valuable member of our community. Does this person seem to like DU and its members? Does this person act as if they want DU to be a better place? Are this person's deleted posts innocent mistakes rather than malicious and deliberate? Do we think this person makes DU better for the vast majority of our visitors? Does this person have an inclusive attitude toward other members and viewpoints -- freely expressing when they disagree, but doing so with the understanding that their own point of view is not the only one that is valid or welcome here? Do we think this person is likely to improve their behavior?

[I'm thinking that Pitt will cite the above when pleading his case to be untombstoned.]

If the answer to these questions is no, then we are going to ban that person. We aren't going to waste our time with pointless warnings and suspensions to malicious malcontents that will almost certainly be ignored. If, however, we believe that someone is worth trying to "save" we will do what we can to keep them around, including handing out warnings or suspensions in hopes that the person might change their behavior.

[Ooh! You're tough, Skinner. Perhaps I should be wary in the future when describing you as a looking like a 15 year old teenager trapped in the body of a 13 year old boy.]

We hope that everyone will consider these proposals in the spirit they are offered. We believe this approach will make it easier for everyone who wishes to be a productive member of this community to do so, regardless of ideology. We all know this place is never going to be perfect. But we do have an ideal that everyone should strive for: A Democratic Underground where thoughtful discussion can take place among a broad range of progressive viewpoints, where everyone accepts that disagreements are both necessary and appropriate when they are expressed in good faith, and where problem people are dealt with in a fair and timely fashion. That is the type of community that we wish DU could be. If you agree, we'd love to have you here.

[Are you finally done. It seems you began this rules list several centuries ago. And now on to the DUmmie reactions...]

I think, minimise the rules

[Make them shorter? But how? Skinner was a brief as possible.]

I'm new but I think there's a risk of becoming too absorbed in a huge list of regulations built up over the years which can only be understood in the context of conflicts in the history of DU which newcomers are ignorant of.

[Perhaps the DUmmie Court of Appeal needs to be set up for the interpretation of Skinner's rules.]

I still think certain topics should not be buried in DU's waste bin far away from view.

[They should be allowed to ferment in the DUFU comedy distillery.]

I would like to see an explanation with the tombstones.

["Will Pitt was tombstoned for being a loudmouthed jerk for threatening physical harm on DUmmie bobolink who turned out to be a harmless, but sanity challenged, female Moonbat."]

Certain topics almost guarantee flame wars. I'd like to see a few of them gone, too.

[So long to all Obama threads.]

It had been close to unbearable to come here with all the vicious attacks against Obama. I actually thought I had redirect virus that was sending me to FreeRepublic instead of DU.

[Would you prefer a redirect virus that sends to you the DUmmie FUnnies?]

I love the clarification of the rules

[Good because I have several telephone books for you to read.]

Well, looks like the "Democratic" went out of the "Underground". .........While I believe in some of the changes it seems that any future criticizing of a Democratic President or Democratic policies (ie the healthcare reform or SS & Medicare "reforms") will be censored, uh I mean deleted. Also, there seems to be a curious timing thing here with the "changes" coming just before the November disaster, ur I mean elections. Just sayin'.

[The bitterness of your Tombstoning will be tempered by the Kewpie Doll that will be arriving in your mail.]

It's clear, DU is now about message discipline.

[Will it be a cash bar at your Tombstoning party or will the drinks be free?]

Brian T. Platt

Brian T. Platt!

Did you enjoy your trip to South Florida last month? The next time you are down here you must remember to smile, rather than frown, for my security camera. It seems you have "painted" yourself into a corner. Hee! Hee!

DUmmies and KOmmies Judge Obama Speech an Epic Failure

So how bad was Obama's speech last night about the Gulf oil crises? So bad that the DUmmies AND the KOmmies AND Chris Matthews AND Keith Olbermann judged it to be an EPIC FAILURE. The DUmmies found Obama to be extremely wanting in this THREAD, "Well... That Was Dissappointing..." and this THREAD, "Why Obamas Words Are Empty." Meanwhile the attitude of the KOmmies can be summed up in the very title of this THREAD, "sigh, he did not say anything." So let us now watch extreme DUmmie and KOmmie disappointment in The One in Bolshevik Red while the commentary of your humble correspondent, wondering if the once adoring MSM will go back and airbrush out all those halos, is in the [barackets]:

Well... That Was Dissappointing...

[Isn't he always?]

Not sure where to start... Specific steps would have been nice. Anybody else???

[A small dash of leadership at some point during this crises would have also been nice.]

He just doesn't get it. Peoples of the Gulf Coast, you're on your own.

[Can't we blame Bush? Pretty please!]

Oh great now we got faith-based disaster management.

[I always thought of him as a secular disaster.]

..if he was a ship he was rudderless last night..

[If he was a ship, his name would be "Titanic."]

And I was SO hoping for a come-to-Jesus speech.

[Or even a come-to-Gaia speech.]

I wasn't even paying attention as it didn't hold my interest.

[ZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.....]

Somewhere, Karl Rove is pumping his fist and hissing "YES-S-S-S!!!"

["...WE CAN-N-N!!!"]

tinkerbell might die tonight!!

[Did she OD on Pixie Dust?]

Rachel and Keith pretty much said it all. Where has candidate Obama gone? He had some cajones. Not this president.

[He doesn't even have cOjones... And now we go to Why Obamas Words Are Empty.]

Why Obamas Words Are Empty

[Because his mind is constantly on golf rather than gulf?]

During the 2008 campaign we heard Obama countless times speak of the PUBLIC OPTION on healthcare and how he would not settle for a bill that did not have it in it......WELL..... NO PUBLIC OPTION..

During the 2008 campaign we heard Obama discuss elements for the EMPLOYEE FREE CHOICE act and we would have that soon after he was elected as policy......WELL.....NO EMPLOYEE FREE CHOICE.

During the 2008 campaign we heard Obama speak of holding up the constitution and YET....Cheney/Bush and Rumsfeld have yet to make a single statement under oath about IRAQ and 9/11......

This past year SOU speech Obama said he would seek higher taxes on CORPORATIONS that ship jobs overseas....WHEN???

Last night he said he would make BP PAY for the damages and cost to clean up the Gulf.... I don't have much faith...Obama will likely let them squeak by and file bankruptcy papers to avoid this...Will Obama get a barrel a day figure out of them today....or will this be another BEER FEST in the Rose Garden....

Right now OBAMAS WORDS ARE EMPTY......This is not the same person I knocked on doors for and casted my ballot for..

[Would you settle for a Beer Summit in the Rose Garden?]

Perhaps you aren't giving him enough time.

[Correct. Obama needs a couple of more years doing nothing before he can be judged.]

He has lost much of his credibility and time is...running out to get it back.

[Methinks that credibility genie has long ago escaped from the bottle.]

I'm still waiting for many of the things he promised me would happen to happen.

[Have the seas fallen yet?]

Obama has a lot to learn. Naw...he probably doesn't want to.

[The learning effort would cut too much into his golf time. ...And now to the massive KOmmie thread, sigh, he did not say anything.]

sigh, he did not say anything.

[Teleprompter broken?]

I expected some specifics, I wanted a WIN, but got an inspiring, la-de-da speech. Nothing of specifics. Now if I missed the absolute specifics, then clue me in.

[If you voted for Obama then you didn't have a clue to begin with.]

He said nothing.

[Tell me something new.]

I'm sorry to say that I no longer have any faith in his presidency. I don't believe that he's capable of changing his MO.

[His ineptness is permanent.]

Okay, we're screwed.

[Stated an upbeat Ben Burch.]

Guantanamo bay is still open. Nothing done about big Pharma. Wall street won a big one. Dont ask, dont tell is stillll with us. Pakistan is a mess. There's lots more

[Try deficits are more out of control than ever.]

I donated to Obama's senatorial campaigns. I worked for him in more ways than I have every worked for local, state or national candidates before. I donated more money in one election than I had in the three preceding totalled, and I damn well could not afford it.

[Putting in a claim for a refund?]

More smoke and mirrors from Obama?

[Especially smoke considering all those cigarettes he inhales daily.]

You mean, the guy gets by on mouthing pretty words . . . . followed up by no specific actions backing them up?

[The latter takes too much WORK!]

Draft Elliot for President

[The Dems are getting desperate if they consider Elliot Spitzer as an alternative to Obama.]

There was nothing behind his words, and even the words were lacking. That speech writer should be fired. It was a defense and then a pep talk - exactly right. Obama always talks about doing big things, but he never does them himself. He could have went big tonight, instead he did nothing. Nothing. He doesn't get it. He's detached and phony on this issue.

[Doing stuff is much too strenuous for Obama. So much better to just read the telemprompter and play another round of golf.]

I'm off to masturbate to some pictures of our president on a clean beach.

[Is that you, Ben Burch?]

well lets start putting up another dem canidate for prez b/c this one is toast.

[KUcinich 2012!!!]

I am hugely disappointed. I don't think Obama wants to be President of this God forsaken country (in the state it's in) anymore. He seems totally 'detached'.

[Just because he has golf, not gulf, on his mind?]

People are seeing through the fog, and emerging from "Obama's bubble"...too bad Obama can't. This speech is a month overdue, with almost no substance...like many others, where arer the details? Oh that's right, he's just the POTUS, why would he have details? On energy policy? Tonight was a strike out, next batter!

[The next batter is TOTUS in the warmup box.]

"Does what we do at DU matter?"

Self-doubt can be a crippling thing. When one does not know whether what one is doing is making one iota's bit of difference, one begins to wonder: All the keyboard pounding, all the wailing and moaning, all the ranting and raving--to what end? Are we making any difference in this wacky world of ours?

So it is for our little friends in DUmmieland, as today we drop in on their latest exercise in navel-gazing, here in this THREAD, "Does what we do at DU matter?"

The DUmmie comments are in Bolshevik Red, while the commentary of your humble guest correspondent, Charles Henrickson, in awe of all that the DUmmies have been able to accomplish--namely, hours of endless entertainment!--is in the [brackets]:

Does what we do at DU matter?

["Does it matter"? Does it MATTER?? DOES IT MATTER??? . . . No.]

I wrote a similar headline a few weeks ago, only it bridged toward the negative, saying it didn't seem to matter. Not long after posting the OP I got my very first email from our commonwealths' senator, John Kerry. It might have been a coincidence; but I doubt it.

[John Kerry has your back.]

Along the same vein, signing petitions matters, so keep it up.

[Write a LTTE too! That'll get things done! DUAC! DUAC!]

I sometimes feel like we are just venting or talking to each other. . . .

[No way! You are reaching THOUSANDS of people--and giving them good laffs--through the DUmmie FUnnies!]

Some are paid to do so [read this stuff] and to try to insert RW talking points in threads with progressive ideas.

[No way again! Most LOUSY FREEPER TROLLS do it for FREE!]

Remember Elizabeth Edwards once posted here, so if she and John (in better days) were reading what we say, you can be sure many others are too.

[Elizabeth Edwards? LOUSY FREEPER TROLL!!! That's the real reason, btw, she and John are getting divorced.]

I suspect this is a training ground for Heritage Foundation (and the like) interns. Our current crop of "visitors" are fairly obvious, IMHO, but some are damn skillful.

[Thanx! And I say that on behalf of our VAST ARMY of LFTs!]

sometimes I get so filled with despair I want to climb under my bed and play with the dust bunnies.

[I'm glad you found somebody to play with, ben.]

Let me reiterate: PEOPLE IN DC ARE NERVOUS

[Let me reiterate: PEOPLE IN DU ARE NUTS!]

yes: the highly recommended threads _plus_ the galvanized actions of members

[Or, in South Carolina, their Alvinized actions.]

I've noticed what some people say here ends up in the press. . . .

[Like that Rove indictment, for instance.]

Think "6 degrees of separation". We're maybe a "degree" or two away from journalists, staffers, and lobbyists.

[Maybe you're a degree or two away from the men in the white coats.]

the pressure often comes from the internet before it hits the newspapers. When there is a buzz.

[The DUmmies often have a buzz.]

Before becoming disabled, I worked at 4 radio stations, a TV station and a newspaper.

[In other words, you kept getting fired.]

Yes, I am sure the big shots from the hill are all watching DU. Gosh they are dying to know the weather reports in various neighborhoods around the country, they need to read the 10,000 versions of the same thing (the oil leak is making me sad), they can't go on without reading how so and so's surgery turned out, hope to catch pics of cute animals. . . .

[I detect a note of sarcasm. Please continue, DUmmie JNelson6563 . . .]

Lord knows there probably are no drama queens on the hill so if one really needs serious drama, you just can't beat DU.

[I think Bawney Fwank qualifies as a queen on the Hill. But do go on . . .]

Sorry but one can witness self absorbed attention whores anywhere and as far as political discussion, unless they are looking for barbiturate left ad nauseum, hardly seems worth it for really busy people to get political feedback here. . . . Julie--who never ceases to marvel at peoples' self-important notion of DU.

[Congratulations, Julie, aka DUmmie JNelson6563! You win today's Kewpie Doll for this Brief Moment of Mental Clarity®!]

It's too bad that there are trolls on the message boards either by nature or paid by right wing operations who dilute our efforts to maintain a strong presence and who too often succeed in getting some of DUs more talented members tomb stoned over the years.

[Is that what got Will Pitt tombstoned? So are you suggesting that DUmmie bobbolink, aka Bobo the Hobo, is a . . . LOUSY FREEPER TROLL??? Where IS Will, anyway? Where is Bobo the Hobo? Still posting?]

I hope this is read. . . .

[I hope this is Red, as in Bolshevik Red.]

I had never known how wide a reach we have on DU until you google something & it comes up!

[I had never known how wide a retch we have on DU until you gargle something & it comes up!]

DU is referenced, I am sure, many times and google searches are full of them. . . .

[Now try googling "DUmmie FUnnies"! 55,000 results! Hee! Hee!]

Just because we may be Liberals doesn't mean we walk in lock step.

[No, we sit at our computers and stamp our little feet!]

For me, DU is an "information watering hole."

["Did somebody say 'watering hole'?" --Pitt]

The consequence of this burgeoning awareness shifts our sense of responsibility beyond simply fulfilling the common duties of a 'good citizen,' such as keeping ourselves informed through corporate media sources, supporting and voting for candidates that represent at least some of our interests. Now our responsibility is to inform ourselves through a variety of sources, to investigate for ourselves contradictory claims, to share information with others around us, to build bridges between otherwise desperate groups, to find common aims and strategies to not only inform ourselves and one another but to begin to build a new paradigm of political consciousness that can become a force. What we need is a critical mass of awareness that can begin to challenge the under belly of 'deep' politics, first by exposing it for what it is, how it operates, what its agendas and strategies are and, second, by finding alternatives to them.

[zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz...........]

I so often feel like Don Quixote tilting at windmills. . . .

[To dream . . . the impossible dream . . .]

DU gets my stamp of approval!

[The Good Nuthouse Stamp of Approval!]

meh.

[pfft.]

I wonder what could actually be accomplished with the energy that's wasted in all the furious posting?

[Think of all the basements that could be cleaned!]

It matters as much as a fart in a windstorm.

[Sorry, only one Kewpie Doll per thread!]

The Alvin Chronicles Continue

The DUmmie obsession with the WINNER of the Demcrat senate primary in South Carolina, Alvin Greene, continues. Why? My theory is that Obama has proven himself so incredibly inept and lacking in leadership in the Gulf oil crises that the DUmmies would rather focus on other topics. Also by devising elaborate conspiracy theories now over Alvin, it gives DUmmies the excuse that the elections were stolen when the results of November's elections come in. The latest chapter of the Alvin Chronicles can be seen in the THREAD, "Is Alvin Greene faking it ? or is he really slow ? he has a degree in political science." So let us now watch the DUmmies once again provide us with comedy gold in Bolshevik Red while the commentary of your strict Alvinist humble correspondent, is in the [brackets]:

Is Alvin Greene faking it ? or is he really slow ? he has a degree in political science

[IQ conspiracy theory.]

Maybe the guy on TV isn't really Alvin Green.

[Could it be Pinky Lee or Buster Brown or Betty White or Red Skelton?]

He sure seems to have the mind of a plant.

[Didn't he used to live in Mike Gravel's garden?]

I don't think he's faking being an idiot. But he is being fed everything he says and he is telling lies.

[Karl Rove is speaking through Alvin's earpiece.]

Alvin Greene for President!

[LOUSY FREEPER TROLL!!!]

I haven't seen any interviews, since I still have analog TV with no digital converter, so I'm just guessing.

[And YOU'RE complaining that Alvin isn't bright?]

I think he's seriously mentally impaired. Either that, or he's a guy of average to low intelligence who's been paid well to be where he is, shut up and say as little as possible. But either way, there's very little light in there. And the University of South Carolina, if it actually gave him a degree, should be sued for malpractice.

[So can Columbia U and Harvard be sued for giving You-Know-Who degrees when he didn't even bother to show up for classes?]

DUmmies Consider Alvin Greene Election the No. 1 Issue

Forget the failing economy, the Gulf of Mexico oil disaster, or terrorism. According to the DUmmies, the top issue of our time should be Alvin Greene winning the Democrat nomination for senator in South Carolina. Think I'm kidding? Then just take a look at the title of this THREAD, "Alvin Greene getting 'elected' shows us what are no 1 issue should be." As we saw in the previous DUFU EDITION, the DUmmies definitely have Alvin on their mind and just can't quit thinking about him. So let us now watch the DUmmies obsess over Alvin Greene to the exclusion of anything based in reality in Bolshevik Red while the commentary of your humble correspondent, who forgot all about Alvin until seeing this thread, is in the [brackets].

Alvin Greene getting "elected" shows us what are no 1 issue should be.

[An aware Left finally gets Alvinized.]

Election reform. Alvin Greene somehow "won" the election when he lost the absentee vote by 84 to 16. Absentee voting has a paper trail, while the electronic machines don't. There is no logical way Greene legitimately won this election. This would be like the constitution party winning the presidency.

[Your voting machines have been Alvinized.]

This election shows that these machines are simply unreliable. Therefore election reform needs to be our number one issue. If we don't have election reform, none of the other issues matter, because these machines can be manipulated to make any result the powers that be wan

[The economy is falling apart all around us but let's obsess over Alvin.]

K & R this thread if you think election reform should be our number one issue. Unrecommend it if you think it shouldn't.

[Strictly for the comedy material it provides, I am recommending that Alvin remain your no. 1 issue.]

If this isn't fixed.. We will be able to fix NOTHING!! We are disenfranchised, all of us. The contract we have with our own government is broken and thus invalid. If there was ever an invitation to anarchy it is this.

[Could you relay your woe over this to the oil cleanup crews in the Gulf

As it should have been our priority after 2000 and 2004

[Alvin will be THE issue in 2012.]

Just because Obama won, does NOT mean our elections are OK.

[Obama won in a landslide and you're still whining about voting machines?]

To add to the conspiracy theorizing if the machine people are manipulating elections I posit that they will test what the limits of manipulation that can the public and the media will accept before they call foul. If so they would try it out in smaller races first before attempting it in more important races. Maybe in this case it was bad programmer or the machines weren't set up right but an 86 point swing definitely calls for an investigation.

[Today Alvin; tomorrow the Chipmunks!]

Who is more likely to be black, Rawl or Greene?

[Greene is the new Black.]

Now the Democrats HAVE to run him against Demint...

[A Greene/DeMint debate somehow sounds like a sweet mixed drink.]

Trial run for nation wide in November???

[Alvin 2012!!! Hey, he already has the Chipmunk vote.]

This really smells as bad as the oil in the Gulf.

[Worse...according to the DUmmies.]

Each state needs to elect a Secretary of State who cares about this issue.

[Alvin Greene for Secretary of State!]

It's not easy being Greene: DUmmies find out more about SC primary winner

The FUnniest race in the country this week was in South Carolina, in the Democrat primary for U.S. Senate. Alvin Greene beat Vic Rawl, to face Republican senator Jim DeMint in the fall. Who is Alvin Greene, you say? I suppose if you don't live in South Carolina, that's understandable. But if you live there, and you're a Democrat voting in your party's primary--well, you'd THINK you'd have a clue who you're voting for. But remember, I said these were DEMOCRATS voting.

Let's watch this thing unfold. I'm picking from several Alvin Greene THREADS over at DUmmieland. All I can say is: It's not easy being Greene.

And so in his honor, the DUmmie comments today will be in Alvin Green, not Bolshevik Red, while the commentary of your humble guest correspondent, Charles Henrickson, looking forward to a DeMint-Greene debate, is in the [brackets]:

Warm congratulations to Alvin Greene.

[Note: This was the first thread, from Tuesday night, when the unknown Greene upset the veteran, well-funded Rawl in the Democrat primary.]

This is a great story.

[Oh, you have no idea!]

DeMInt was favored and thinks he has lucked out, I'm sure. But who's to say that Greene won't be the dragon slayer?

[Yeah, it could happen!]

Democratic Party Chairwoman Carol Fowler says she hasn't seen Greene since he filed to run. . . . She says people who didn't know either candidate and voted alphabetically may help explain Greene's win.

[Oops! Wait! It gets better!]

Some guy signed up to run, did nothing, and then randomly beat the guy who raised $180,000. All this presumably because no one cared enough about the primary to know the difference before they showed up and voted. . . .

[Seems that way! Good thing "Greene" comes before "Rawl"! . . . Or wait! Maybe the voters thought it was Al Green against Lou Rawls, and they liked Al Green better!]

Let's hope he becomes the next Russ Feingold

[Sorry, "Feingold" comes after "DeMint." He needs an "A," "B," or "C" name.]

That would be A-OK with me.

[That's it! Put an "A" in FRONT of "Greene"! "Alvin A-Greene"! That's a winner!]

Who (in the heck) Is Alvin Greene?

[Now we're up to Wednesday, as we find out more . . .]

An unemployed 32-year-old . . . who currently lives in his family's home. . . .

[LOL! He lives with his parents! A typical DUmmie! What's his screen name?]

"I wasn’t surprised, but not really. I mean, just a little, but not much. I knew I was on top of my campaign, and just stayed on top of everything, I just—I wasn't surprised that much, just a little. I knew that I worked hard and did," Greene said in an interview.

[Real coherent, too!]

Greene claims to have criss-crossed the state during his campaign—though he declined to specify any of the towns or places he visited or say how much money he spent while on the road. "It wasn’t much, I mean, just, it was—it wasn’t much. Not much, I mean, it wasn’t much. . . ."

[Sounds like it wasn't much.]

"I'm not concentrating on how I was elected—it's history. I’m the Democratic nominee—we need to get talking about America back to work, what's going on, in America."

["What's Going On"--that was Marvin Gaye, wasn't it?]

Greene has yet to speak to any Democratic officials, either. After filing to run, his campaign went dark.

[That's racist!]

"My campaign slogan: Let's get South Carolina back to work."

[Let's get Alvin Greene back to work!]

I wonder if they knew he was black?

[Now ask yourself this: If you were a certain segment of the South Carolina Democrat-voting population, and you saw the names "Alvin Greene" and "Vic Rawl" on the ballot, and you didn't know anything about either one, which one would you choose?]

I actually think it's kinda cool. Some "random guy" winning a Senate primary.

[Oh, just wait. There's more!]

Alvin Greene Felony Charges

[Ruh roh!]

SC Senate Candidate Asked To Withdraw Over Criminal Past

[Don't do it, Alvin! Don't let THE MAN keep you down!]

Court records show Greene was arrested in November and charged with showing obscene Internet photos to a University of South Carolina student, then talking about going to her room at a university dorm. Charged with disseminating, procuring or promoting obscenity, Greene could face up to five years in prison.

[Hey, look at it this way: This sort of thing could be a PLUS with Democrat voters!]

Wow. Who voted for this guy?

[DEMOCRATS. Repeat: D E M O C R A T S .]

Anybody know what voting machines are in use in SC?

[Diebold, of course! NOW it all becomes clear! Rove, you magnificent. . . .]

Unthinking voters. . . .

[I.e., DEMOCRATS.]

That's the trouble with voting for someone you don't know. It's an election...Not a freaking box of chocolates.

[THAT'S racist!!]

Go Alvin!

[Simon and Theodore check in.]

I smell plant.

[That's the marijuana you're smelling.]

watch Greene's demeanor and behavior. Watch his hunched walk, his rubbing hands, his babbling responses, his lack of eye contact. What do you think?

[Your average Democrat!]

PREDICTION: Alvin Greene will be arrested within the next two months

[So what's the problem? He IS a Democrat, after all.]

This poor guy is a real dim bulb.

[This poor guy is a real Dem bulb.]

Well...Alvin Green winning in SC may not be so great after all...

[Ya think?]

The Democratic nominee for the U.S. Senate in South Carolina says he wants to stay in the race, even though his party wants him to step down.

[Don't do it, Alvin! Don't step aside! It's just the white man trying to keep the black man down!]

Meanwhile, new details of his arrests have emerged.

[And so it goes. Pass the popcorn!]

Answering Machine Messages of the Famous

Barack Obama

I am sorry but it is the fault of the previous administration that I am unable to answer your phone call personally. However, if you leave some names and numbers at the sound of the tone I can find out whose ass to kick.

Clint Eastwood

This is a semi-automatic, cassette-loading, six-beep answering machine. At a range of three feet it can blow your eardrum away. You're probably wondering if it's got one beep left or if I've used my six. Go ahead and talk if you feel lucky. Well do you, PUNK?

Robert Gibbs

This is the White House press secretary. If you leave your question at the sound of the tone, I'll get back you with the same vague answer that I left on my answering machine a week ago which referred back to an even more vague answering machine message.

Woody Allen

Please leave a psychologically soothing message at the sound of the tone because I can't handle any more hostility. My analyst's bills are high enough already. I just lost one girlfriend because of answering machines. We kept calling each other, but our prerecorded messages were incompatible.

Senator Larry Craig

I am not gay. I never have been gay. At the sound of the tone please leave your name and number on the wall of the third toilet stall from the left in the Minneapolis-St. Paul airport bathroom and I will get back to you right away.

John McEnroe

You call that a beep? Are you crazy? I didn't hear any lousy beep! This machine won't beep for at least another 10 seconds! If you don't answer me I won't play your message! Please leave your answer you STUPID IDIOT!!!

Governor Charlie Crist

Before this phone message is over, it will change completely. Pro-life? No more. Won't run as an independent? Inoperative. Return Republican campaign contributions? Forget it. So leave your name and number at the sound of the tone before I change my mind again.

Rahm Emanuel

"&%$#*&!!! You make me so %#$&$# sick that I'll $#%^& your @%&*& if you don't leave your &%@# name and #$!&% number at the %$&# sound of the &*@#% BLEEP!

DUmmies urge Obama to kick some ass!

I guess Barack Obama is now subscribing to the Bill Maher theory of how a "real black president" should act: He's looking for some ass to kick! And the DUmmies are urging him on. Never mind that BO is not actually DOING anything about the BP oil spill. They just want Oilbama to act angry and outraged--in other words, more like a DUmmie.

Several threads on this over at DUmmieland. The two main ones we're using are this THREAD, "On the epic BP environmental clusterf***: "Obama Looking for Whose Ass to Kick"!!!" and this THREAD,"Barack Obama: I'm Talking To Gulf Experts 'So I Know Whose Ass To Kick.'" The DUmmie comments are in Red Meat Red, while the commentary of your humble guest correspondent, Charles Henrickson--lamenting the fact that Helen of Thomas, the face that launched a thousand quips, got lost in the shuffle--is in the [Barackets]:

On the epic BP environmental clusterf***: "Obama Looking for Whose Ass to Kick"!!!

[Finally, a real black president!]

"I was down there a month ago, before most of these talking heads were even paying attention to the Gulf," Obama told NBC's "Today" show in an interview. . . .

["A quick trip to the Gulf, so I could get back to the golf!"]

"A month ago I was meeting with fishermen down there, standing in the rain talking about what a potential crisis this could be."

["And it WAS a crisis! The rain was messing up my photo op!"]

"I don't sit around talking to experts because this is a college seminar," Obama continued.

["I talk to experts because they're like, um, experts, you know? They know stuff. And that way, uh, it looks like I'm 'in charge' and 'presidential,' like I'm supposed to be."]

"We talk to these folks because they potentially have the best answers, so I know whose ass to kick."

["'I'm gonna git you, sucka!' There, you happy, Bill Maher?"]

The DUmmies react . . .

Even if they electocuted the whole lot of BP execs, it's not going to make the f***ing mess go away.

[OK, but at least he's acting outraged, and that's what counts.]

On day 48 of the spill. . . .

[Yes, but he was secretly outraged all along.]

Was he serious? Whose ass has he kicked so far?

[Um. . . . Next question. . . .]

Barack Obama: I'm Talking To Gulf Experts. . . .

[Barack Obama: I'm Talking To Golf Experts. . . .]

'So I Know Whose Ass To Kick' . . . More talk like this, please.

[More talk, no action: The DUmmie Way. DUAC! DUAC!]

Peoiple WANT to hear him get mad. Talking about ass kicking is not just for college sports and soldiers.

[It's for real black presidents too!]

The red meat crowd loves this sh*t, but the red meat crowd can't get a dogcatcher elected and still can't figure out why.

[Bolshevik Red Meat: It's what for DU dinner.]

What's sad is that Obama needs to be prodded and pushed to get mad. He and his consultants all have their finger in the wind. They are only telling us he's mad because people began complaining that he's not and that he's not kicking ass. Which he's not.

[OK, panel, I'm going to flip the cards over and award today's oil-soaked Kewpie Doll to . . . DUmmie breadandwine for this Brief Moment of Mental Clarity®! Congratulations!]

Obama really has no taste for the jugular, can't kick ass and thinks everything is a matter of singing around the campfire.

[Barry would rather bump another rump than kick some ass.]

And because of them we are about to lose the House and the Senate to the GOP.

[Hee! Hee!]

What Obama is saying is, um, uh, oh yeah. I guess I'm er, um, angry. I think I'll engage in, uh, um, er, FISTICUFFS. Obama looks about as angry as a door knob.

[You are on a ROLL, DUmmie breadandwine!]

His speech is BORING.

[He puts the "BO" in "BORING"!]

Actions speak louder than words.

[LOUSY FREEPER TROLL!!!]

I support the President in looking for asses to kick. . . .

[Got my ass-kickin' steel-toed boots on!]

a stupid rant about kicking some invisible ass. Jeez, I wouldn't let my boys get away with that when they were 12 years old, why the hell would I want my President to sound like that.

[Get the Lifebuoy! . . . By the way, you just said "Jeez" and "hell."]

The left is always ranting and raving. . . . I'm talking about the left who always wants somebody to hold their breath until they turn blue and think that it's going to solve a problem. . . . People want to be told the truth, and they want effective government. That's All. They do not care what package it comes in, as long as it doesn't raise taxes and doesn't involve another government program. That's the country you live in, like it or not.

[Sorry, DUmmie sandnsea, today's Kewpie Doll has already been awarded.]

This is f***ing awesome. I LIKE this talk.

[Meanwhile, the oil continues to flow. . . .]

I think "So I know who I should open a can of whup-ass on" would poll better.

[Go with that.]

"Can you smell what the Barack is cooking!"

[Pelican in oil?]

I would be happy to line up all the asses in a row. . . .

[Is that you, benburch?]

"Cheney killed the ocean!"

The only thing FUnnier than the title of this DUmmie THREAD, "Cheney killed the ocean!" is the graphic posted there which is why I am using it above. Yup! Send out an APB. Dick Cheney killed the ocean. Meanwhile do nothing Obama, the biggest recipient of BP political donations had absolutely nothing to do with being nearly inactive in the face of the biggest oil spill in history. Nope. We need to blame DICK CHENEY who hasn't been in office for over a year. So let us now watch the DUmmies place all the blame on Cheney while giving Obama a free pass in Bolshevik Red while the commentary of your humble correspondent, disappointed that the DUmmies did not BLAME BUSH, is in the [barackets]:

Cheney killed the ocean!

[Go for broke. Blame him for killing the rest of the earth as well.]

And de-regulation Ronnie. I was naive to think Cheney's worst destruction of America was behind him. For the first time in my life I wish for harm to come to another human being. I can't watch the news anymore, it's beyond depressing, it's beyond sad.

[That's right. Give do-nothing Barack a free pass. It's all the fault of Cheney who isn't even in office.]

That POS is the most evil man in my lifetime.

[Hmmm... I wish I could give this DUmmie the choice of being incarcerated by either Dick Cheney or...Saddam Hussein. Hee! Hee!]

He, and Republicans, and even some Democrats, who voted for, or had anything to do with, allowing companies like BP to skirt the laws and regulations that allowed this to happen, have to pay. I'm not talking about $$. There has to be consequences.

[Skirt laws and regulations? Gee, I wonder what all those donations to Obama bought? And now to the other DUmmies...]

I think we need some of our DU musical and poet artist to work and come up with some songs and poetry.

Cheney Killed the Ocean

De-regulation Ronnie

[Paging Charles Henrickson! Hee! Hee!]

That would be an awesome idea. Is there a poet among us?

[I'm certain we can find a certain parodist pastor.]

Something needs to break through to the public consciousness. Where are all the protest songs and singers we once had in this country? Is their music being suppressed by the corporate-dominated music industry?

[Cheney killed the music!]

This has Cheney's stink all over it

[Lots of BO.]

Even without Haliburton's direct involvement, this is Cheney's disaster. You know an administration is bad when the current one is judged on how much damage it can undo from the previous one.

[Dick Cheney set the fuse that blew out that oil well while BO slept.]

I better not hear anyone say Obama, the Democratic Party or the environmentalists were responsible for this.

[Of course not. BO and the Democrats have been in the snooze mode since the well blew. Only blame goes to...DICK CHENEY!!!]

Cheney is the definition of evil... Every pore of his body oozes evil.

[Of course but, um, where is the proof that Cheney caused the oil spill? Oops! Please excuse me for demanding actual FACTS.]

We now know what the face of evil looks like. He is a soulless creature.

[Finally, some "facts" are injected into the DUmmie case against Cheney.]

- - - - -

[Paging Charles Henrickson! Hee! Hee!]

You rang?

BONUS PARODY
By Charles Henrickson, the wag tailoring the doggerel



I KILLED THE OCEAN
Tune: "I Shot the Sheriff"
As sung by Dick Cheney and the Oilers

I killed the ocean, I'm the devil in the deep blue sea
Oh, oh, oh
I killed the ocean, I'm the devil in the deep blue sea
Ooh, ooh, ooh, yeah

All around in DUmmietown
Dick Cheney they're tearin' down, yeah
They say they want to bring me in guilty
For the spilling in the deep blue sea
For the leak of that bad BP
So I say, oh, now, now, oh

I killed the ocean, even though it doesn't make much sense
Ooh, ooh, ooh
I said, I killed the ocean, O Lord, and they say it is a capital offense
Ooh, ooh, ooh, hear this

Ocean of blue always bothered me
The Gulf, Mexico
Every time I saw the sea
I said, Kill it with oil that flows
I said, Kill it with oil that flows
And so, and so, read it in the news

I killed the ocean, even though it doesn't make much sense
Murdered the deep blue sea, ooh, ooh, ooh
I said, I killed the ocean, even though it doesn't make much sense
Yeah, ooooh

Beachfront came my way one day
And I started to look down, yeah
All of a sudden I saw ocean all 'round
Aimin' to make me frown
So I brought, I brought, the oil rig down
And I say, since I am Cheney I won't pay

I killed the ocean, I'm the devil in the deep blue sea
Oh, oh, oh
I killed the ocean, I'm the devil in the deep blue sea
Ooh, ooh, ooh

My evil got the better of me
And I made the oil go free
Every day more buckets out-go the well
One day the water, not a drop left
One day the water, not a drop left
I say

I, I, I, I killed the ocean, Lord, I'm the devil in the deep blue sea, oh . . .

Fat, unemployed DUmmie admits, "i have officially lost my mind"

Sometimes stereotypes get that way for a reason. Meet DUmmie keroro gunsou--fat, unemployed, living at home with his parents--in other words, your typical DUmmie. The guy can't get a job in "graphic design" (read, "comic books"), so now El Tubbo is thinking of going into cooking! But he's not sure how Mom & Dad will react. Read about it here in this THREAD, "i have officially lost my mind."

So be careful walking down the basement stairs and don't trip over the pizza boxes, as we enter the world of Comic Book Guy come to life, in Graphic Design Red, while the commentary of your humble guest correspondent, Charles Henrickson, wondering if Wee Willie Pitt could give keroro gunsou some advice, is in the [brackets]:

i have officially lost my mind

[Oh, it's official now?]

i've been unemployed since last november.

[Bush's fault!]

the first two weeks were cool.

[The next 26 were even better.]

slacked off . . .

[Imagine that!]

caught up on my tv . . .

[DUmmie keroro gunsou can multitask: Post on DU, watch TV, and play a video game, all at the same time.]

played lots of WoW.

[World of Workless.]

but after that, it got old.

[TV is now into summer reruns.]

i'm still getting my benefits and food share . . .

["Food share"?? What is that, you get a portion of the back yard for grazing??]

but the one thing i am not getting is a freakin' job.

[Call Obama.]

the field of graphic design is over-saturated in the midwest.

[Translation: They won't hire me at the local comic book store.]

so i've decided to go back to school. i'm going back to school to hopefully become a chef.

[Papa John's can get old.]

i am planning on getting a 2-year degree from my local tech school, along with a cert in baking and pastry making. after that, i will hopefully land SOME type of work that will allow me to move and finish up a 4-year bachelors in culinary arts.

[Let's see, that would be a total of . . . six years of school, wouldn't it, DUmmie keroro gunsou?]

now for the problem: my parents.

[Ah, now I'm beginning to see. . . .]

granted i am an adult, but they were cool enough to let me move back in after my job went boom and are helping with my bills.

[OK, I'm getting the picture now. . . .]

i am expecting one HELL of a fight from them, since i'm overweight, they'll give me the "you're too fat" or "it's a bad idea, all that temptation," types of arguements. . . .

[Or, do you think it COULD have something to do with supporting your fat ass for SIX YEARS of schooling? You know, "There goes our retirement!"]

plus, before i switched to graphic design, i took a class in basic cooking and failed it. . . .

[Mm, maybe not the best career choice.]

ok i was young and stupid, now i'm old, and hopefully less stupid.

[Naah.]

advice, vibes, or alcohol is appreciated at this point. . . .

[Go play World of Warcraft and forget the whole thing. Sounds like you've got a good gig going. Don't want to rock the boat. But let's see what your fellow DUmmies have to say . . .]

My dear keroro gunsou. . . .

[CaliforniaPeggy checks in. Since Pitt got tombstoned, she needs to find a new object for her "My dear" fantasies. You're it.]

I don't think you've lost your mind at all. It sounds to me as though you've taken a hard, long look at your prospects, and come up with a plan.

[She says that to all the guys.]

I think that your parents might well acknowledge your passion and not get in your way.

[Especially since you're about as big as a bungalow.]

People do learn and grow, and I think you have.

[You've grown to over 350 pounds.]

Just tell them what you want to do, and why.

[What do I want to do? Sit in the basement, eat chips, and play WoW. Why? It beats working! . . . Back to keroro for a second . . .]

my dad will be an easier sell than my mom, she's already disappointed at what a f***ing mess my life is.

[And now imagine when she invites the canasta gals over and she has to explain YOU!]

I have no idea how to soften the blow, but I can send lots of vibes!

[White light, positive thoughts!]

I'm a longtime restauranteur who has done lots of line work in my capacity as a owner and menu designer, and cook trainer. I cannot empahsize how important it is to be in good physical shape.

[keroro responds . . .]

round is a shape.

[Hee! Hee!]

Also, try and find a line position in a local restaurant. Lots of guys will train. You'll start out in pantry or salad, suate, stuff like that. Good practical experience.

[Sounds like too much work. DUmmie keroro gunsou is looking for a position that pays without working.]

ne keroro gunsou san!

[Glossolalia breaks out.]

ganbatte kudasai! Gokigen yo!

[Klaatu barada nikto.]

asahina-san, i can read hiragana you know

[DUmmie keroro gunsou is a big fan of Japanese anime, you know. As he's about to tell us . . .]

if you made it to anime central this year, awesome. i work for con in hospitality. got to meet nabeshin, nazuka kaori, and yoshiki from X japan. all in all, the abuse i suffered was worth it....now, if i can just talk 'em into getting mashima hiro (fairy tail), oda-sensei (one piece), or mine yoshizaki-sensei (keroro gunsou) to come, i'll be able to die happy.

[DU, TV, WoW, chips, mashima hiro. . . . What more is there?]

fanime is this weekend. i've got friends there, and i staffed anime expo in 2k when they took over the anaheim disney... man do i have some stories for about that... ^_^;;;;;; i like anime central, it's close by.

[Life is good! Forget about that work stuff, keroro! Enjoy the moment! . . . But, let's hear from another DUmmie or two . . .]

my brother is almost 50 and still calls dad as if he is an atm machine. dad on fixed income, has been about sucked dry. who will take care of dad when needed? . . . i hope you can find a way of doing this independently as you can. . . . a different perspective that i am sure will piss off a few. sorry.

[Boo! Debbie Downer rains on keroro's parade.]

Does being a chef necessarily mean high-fat high sugar, unhealthy food? . . . I hate to eat out because its friggin impossible to get healthy vegetables.

[Chef keroro responds . . .]

small problem.... i like only the following vegetables: onions, peppers, peas, corn, potato.

[French fries qualify as a vegetable then? Yes!]

Good luck & good vibes!

[See you on WoW! . . . Back to keroro . . .]

living at home has sort of put me on an unwilling starvation diet, no thanks to my mom and her psychotic desire for me to be one of the skinny, beautiful people. . . . oh well, i figure my mom will StFU when i start bringing home all manner of pastries... right after she takes them away from me. long story...

[OK, I see now. Mom doesn't want you living at home because of the competition for the creampuffs!]

This is probably a rude and no doubt politically incorrect thing of me to say, but I don't care how delicious Mario Batali's food is, he looks very unhealthy: he's very heavy, he sweats a lot, and he wears shorts and disgusting crocs shoes. I honestly want whomever is preparing my food to look like they're not going to keel over of a heart attack at any minute or sweat into my soup.

[But think of it this way: If keroro becomes a chef, he can spit into the food of Rethug customers!]

This song has much light in it. You Light Up My Life - Debbie Boone. . . . I think much of life is like this song.

[Overblown and treacly?]

keroro, you're doing good - to heck with what your parents think. . . . I could kick some keroro parent ass. I'm a pro at parental ass-kickings; yes INDEED

[THAT's the DUmmie spirit!]