Charlie Crist: I Am NOT Gray!!!
Just to make it very clear from the start, I am NOT gray! I am NOT gray; I never have been gray. The misunderstanding began with a hairdresser that I met at the Green Iguana bar who accompanied me home. The hairdresser expressed admiration for my deep tan and insisted upon rubbing my bronzed skin with some soft lotion upon entering my bedroom. So how did this completely innocent encounter end up the subject of many sick innuendos? It began when the hairdresser whispered gently into my ear with a suggestion about how I could really highlight my rich tan with the luscious orangey underglow by dyeing my dark hair gray to form a stark contrast to my manly bronze. Well, my mistake was allowing the hairdresser to spend the night with me getting just the right amount of gray into my hair. So you see, I am not really gray so you can cast aside the sick rumors about me.
And now to my message. I want all you Florida voters to know that I will do absolutely ANYTHING for your vote. How desperate am I to get elected as U.S. Senator from Florida? Well, I offered Kendrick Meek my sister's cross if he would drop out of the race. And now I'm now upping the ante. If you agree to vote for me, forget about my sister's cross which is really just a cheap trinket that I picked up from a dollar box at the flea market. What I am now offering you is my sister. Yes, I will allow you to have your way with my own sister. Even better, have your way with me.
Yeah, baby! Ride me me bareback like your personal pack mule. Even better ride me brokeback. Take that leather riding whip and let me have it. Don't hold back. Flay me! Fillet me! Slay me! Hell, you can even poke a spit through me and slow roast me over a barbecue pit. Is a spit too mundane? Then a shove a gerbil, broken light bulb, or any long vibrating plastic object you want up me. Your choice. Whatever you want to do with me is okay because I will do anything for your vote including allowing you to beat me like a piñata.
What I bring to the political table is commitment. I am so fanatically committed to entering the U.S. Senate that I would crawl naked over broken glass to a hot springs atop Mt. Fuji and hop in to let the snow monkeys have their way with me in order to attain my goal.
Should I lose on Election Night, don't expect any sort of congratulatory concession speech from me. What you will see is me throwing the Mother of All Hissy Fits. Think irate eye scratching cat with claws out. Not only that, I would switch from stalking Kendrik Meek to creepily following Marco Rubio around until he gives up his Senate seat for me. He won't even be safe on the Senate floor because when he looks up into the gallery Marco will see me flying down at him with my black cape shrieking like a mad bat about to bite him in the neck like the Vampire Lestat.
This is Charlie Crist signing off and hoping you can even find me on the ballot on Election Day. My name is so far down the list that you would have an easier time finding me in the Green Iguana closet.