Friday, February 27, 2009

William Rivers Pitt Plans Expensive Wedding

Pied Piper Pitt is getting married this October and, as he proudly told his fellow DUmmies, no expense will be spared to ensure that the Trust Fund Kid will enter the bliss of not quite holy matrimony. When you see what the money Pitt has planned for his wedding, you will burst out laughing especially when you see the humble barn (rural mansion) where the reception will take place as you can see in the pic below. However, the main topic of Pitt's THREAD, "MSNBC seems to think only Republican congressmen have opinions." Amazing. No network is more completely in the tank for Obama yet the Pied Piper is upset that they allow a few token Republicans to appear on MSNBC primarily in order to berate them. It seems the Pittster can't abide contrary opinions at all. So let us now watch Pied Piper Pitt plan his expensive wedding in Bolshevik Red while the commentary of your humble correspondent, who is planning on rewatching "The Wedding crashers (Hee! Hee!) is in the [brackets]:

MSNBC seems to think only Republican congressmen have opinions. In the afternoons, anyway. That's OK. The afternoons are the time when only Republican congressmen watch MSNBC, so it's kind of a fused loop. But Jesus, they do love them some afternoon GOP lovin' on MSNBC these days. Porn has more dignity than this.

[How dare MSNBC which is completely in the tank for Obama allow a Republican congressman to appear on the tube for even a second. I'M OUTRAGED!!!]

I can see how people who watch TV in the afternoons get a different view of it than I do. It seems like every time I turn on MSNBC I see either Keith Olbermann or Rachel Maddow. That makes it very hard for me to believe that the media is strongly controlled by conservatives.


I work from home. Feel like I know the whole GOP caucus like family.

[WORK! And what sort of "work" do you do, Pitt, besides writing vanity press books that start out on Amazon at less than #300,000?]

And even on MSNBC they have that tool David Gregory, and Matthews always has on a ton of Repubs.

[Matthews has Republicans on his show primarily to berate them. Yesterday he got angry when a Republican congressman said (gasp) "Democrat" without the icky part.]

The M$M - workin overtime to convince us we're a divided country

[How can they do that when they know we are ALL blindly following the Blessed Barack.]

I hope you are right.. are you getting excited about the wedding? Guys have it so easy.. My son was cool & collected & my poor daughter in law was busy busy busy.. He was a bit nervous at the church part (we are not a religious family and her family is SUPER-Catholic)..

[Now comes the FUn part! The Pittster's wedding...]

Hey. I've been busting my arse planning this thing. We're having a husband-and-wife team who enters and wins national barbecue contests doing the cooking for the rehearsal dinner (my mom knows the wife), we're having the wedding reception in a big old beautiful barn with a silo and a gigantic stone fireplace, and we're doing all of this in the White Mountains right at the peak of the foliage season. All me, baby. C'mon, my fiancee works. Someone has to do it.

[LOL! You're having an award-winning barbecue team to cook up chow for the REHEARSAL? Does PETA know about this. How many animals are being slaughtered just for Pitt's wedding REHEASAL? As for that "barn" in the pic; If it don't have cow manure smells inside then it ain't a barn. And that rural mansion in the pic ain't no barn even though it might give the illusion of one to Trust Fund Kids who don't want to appear wealthy by marrying in either a cathedral or country club.]

Hey, I didn't know that! Congratulations, Will, to you and your wife-to-be!

[Will Pitt now be forced to donate the chow from the REHEARSAL dinner to some homeless food bank because of the negative publicity generated by this DUFU edition? Let them eat pulled pork!]

Monday, February 23, 2009

DUmmies: Obasms vs Gorbasms

The DUmmies are in a dilemma. Who is the true savior? Obama or Gorbachev? What set this debate off is that website mocking George W. Bush by comparing him to a chimpanzee, An article at The Smirking Chimp (meaning that Bush was like a chimpanzee) stated that Soviet leader Mikhail Gorbachev was smarter than Barack Obama because he accepted defeat in Afghanistan and brought Soviet troops home 20 years ago. This set off an Obasm vs Gorbasm debate in DUmmieland as you can see in this THREAD, "Gorby smarter than Obama: Soviet leader accepted defeat and brought his troops home from Afghanistan." So let us now watch the DUmmies debate Obasms vs Gorbasms in Bolshevik Red while the commentary of your humble correspondent, noting that you can follow his activities on Twitter by becoming his loyal acolyte by simple logging on to @pjcomix, is in the [barackets]:

Gorby smarter than Obama: Soviet leader accepted defeat and brought his troops home from Afghanistan

[GASP! Heresy! Let the debates begin!]

Twenty years ago this week, the last Soviet forces pulled out of Afghanistan. During the Soviet occupation (1979-1989), 1.5 million Afghans died at the hands of the Red Army and Afghan Communists.

The new Soviet chairman, Mikhail Gorbachev, proved a leader of great humanity, decency and intellect. I rank him with Nelson Mandela. Gorbachev determined the Afghan war, begun by his dim predecessor, Leonid Brezhnev, and a coterie of party and KGB hardliners, could not be won.

[ dare to rank him above our beloved Barack?]

Gorbachev courageously accepted defeat and brought his soldiers home. Soon after, the Soviet Union, a bankrupt imperium held together by fear and repression, began to crumble. Gorbachev refused to employ force to hold the Soviet empire together.

[And now Gorby lives in America earnings loads of money from liberals who still suffer from Gorbasms.]

The new president of the bankrupt American imperium should heed Gorbachev's wisdom. Barack Obama's inauguration offered a perfect opportunity to pause the U.S.-led Afghan war and open talks with Afghans resisting foreign occupation (both the Soviets and U.S. branded them "terrorists.")

[Obama should have surrendered in Afghanistan the moment he completed taking his messed up oath of office.]

Instead, Obama vowed to intensify the eight-year, $62-billion war. Ottawa's cost: $600-800 million in 2009 alone.

President Obama just declared he will send 17,000 more U.S. troops to Afghanistan on top of the 6,000 troops dispatched by George W. Bush.

Another 13,000 will follow. Reinforcements are supposed to come from the U.S. Iraq garrison. But the Pentagon is trying to delay or thwart the drawdown from Iraq.

[Do I detect cracks in the belief in the infallibity of Barack? Let the Obasm vs Gorbasm debates begin!]

I think the war should end but Gorby was a f*cking dumbass of the first water. What kind of shit for brains did he have to be listening to Ronnie Raygun and GHW Bush about "reforms" and their desire for peace. He got had, he got took, he got hoodwinked. The coup plotters were right.

[I remember when the Left was gloating over how Gorbachev would overwhelm Reagan with his mighty intellect. So how did he get "hoodwinked" by the Gipper?]

Gorby was ten times the man that you will ever be.

[Gorbasm detected!]

The man totally f*cked up his country.

[Obama or Gorbama?]

He attempted to revitalize the economy of his country using advice from his enemies. Unsurprisingly his reforms blew the country apart. Gorbachev with his reforms presided over the only GDP decline the Soviet economy had ever experience since the Germans invade. Even Brezhnev's period of stagnation was marked by low growth rather than decline.

[Ah. Brezhnev nostalgia. Those were the days, my friend. I thought they would never end.]

Gorbachev wanted nothing of what Ronald Reagan was proposing to him as far as capitalism goes. If Gorbachev had been successful, Russia would be a market socialist country today, not the predatory economy it currently is with a small gang of billionaires running everything. It was Boris Yeltsin who privatized the infrastructure and allowed capitalists to siphon hundreds of billions out of the Russian economy.

[A market socialist country? Do you enjoy tossing oxymorons around you moron?]

In 1989 there were two major uprisings in the communist world in Beijing and in several East German cities. The Chinese put theirs down harshly. Gorbachev had already informed Honecker that a similar action would not happen if East German situation were to get out of hand. This inaction was basically a declaration of death for the Warsaw Pact. Gorby should have reminded the East Germans, and all the other trouble making nationalists exactly who won WWII and put some boots in their asses. The progress of China in comparison to Russia over the last 20 years is a testimony to just how badly he f*cked up.

[Declared the Tiananmen Square contingent of DUmmieland.]

Obama is looking for the "light at the end of the tunnel" like one his predecessors. With the same predictable, and disastrous, results.

[The One had a colonoscopy?]

I don't think much of this chimp at the moment; NO ONE can draw conclusions about President Obama's Afghan policy yet.


he has surrounded himself with clinton/dlc/neolib conservatives in addition to the wall street boys. And NO, he has given ZERO indication he thinks for himself. He is following the same Clinton era Globalization and Defense policies with, wtf?, the same recycled advisers. I have zero expectations but am very willing and able to eat crow.

[Does this mean no more Obasms?]

Gorbachev is near the bottom of the "successful leaders to emulate" list.

[Hey, Gorby made a great Pizza Hut COMMERCIAL.]

I'm getting pretty tired of this historical penis measuring.

[The John Holmes era was the longest one in history.]

Thursday, February 19, 2009

The Apes of Wrath: Chimp=Bush, OK; Chimp=Obama, "THAT'S RACIST!"

The above cartoon appeared in a New York newspaper the other day, using the occasion of the chimp attack in Connecticut to make a comment about how stupid the stimulus bill is. Now I don't find the cartoon particularly funny, not because it uses the image of a chimp, but because the image of a chimp lying on the ground, bleeding, with bullet holes in it, is not my idea of lighthearted humor. But using chimp imagery to convey stupidity--that's nothing new.

But to gauge the reaction of Democrats, DUmmies, and the PC police--my, you'd think you're watching Muzzies reacting to a cartoon of Mohammed! Witness this
THREAD, "Al Sharpton is on his way to the NY Post to raise hell about this toon." The DUmmies take the chimp as a reference to Obama, and therefore they cry--cue the gif of the black kid--"THAT'S RACIST!"

Of course, seeing their desire to squelch free speech, we could reply, "THAT'S FACIST!" (dummiespell for "fascist"). What's more, it's hypocritical! If anyone dares to compare Obama to a chimp--OUTRAGE!--yet for eight years, on a daily basis, the DUmmies referred to President Bush with names like "Chimpy McBushitler," "Chimpus Khan," "Curious George," and so on.

It's "The Apes of Wrath"! So let us now get our binoculars, approach carefully, and observe the DUmmies in the Mist, in Monkey-Butt Red, while the commentary of your humble guest correspondent, Charles Henrickson, the Jane Goodall of the blogosphere, is in the [brackets]:

Al Sharpton is on his way to the NY Post to raise hell about this toon

[I am now picturing Al Sharpton as King Kong, straddling the top of the New York Post Building, holding the cartoonist in his giant paw. Is that racist?]



The insinuation is that the bill was very poorly written. That's all really.


People have to be very sensitive when making any comparisons to black people and monkeys. . . .

[But they can be completely INsensitive when comparing WHITE people to monkeys!]

It's a dogwhistle. His "base" will understand what he means. . . .

[Now you're comparing conservatives to dogs. I guess all mammals are fair game if it's about white conservatives.]

he knew he would push some buttoms. . . .

[Let's not bring benburch into a discussion about monkeys.]

I always compare a chimp to Bush, not Obama. I think I've even called him Chimp many times.

[And I've even read that in DUmmieland, like, 47,000 times. Now take the next step and see the double standard. Hypocrisy, thy name is DUmmie!]

Now look, I am not one of those people who see racism in everything. But I am no dummy. . . .

[Well, yes, you are.]

So, where's the monkey-stimulus bill connection?

[ben seeking info on how to stimulate a monkey.]

Don't people refer to a certain ex-President as the chimp?


Calling Bush "chimpie" for 8 years hasn't helped. . . .

[Ya think?]

Obama is going to be insulted the next 8 years. . . .

[EIGHT years?? I thought Baracky Baboon was only elected for four!]

insult him because you find him unacceptable as a president NOT because of the color of his skin.

[Sounds like a plan! And if you guys can do "Chimpy McBush" for eight years, then we can throw in an occasional "Chimpy McBama"!]

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

Angry DUmmie (redundant?) declares: "I don't have to be nice."

Obama won. The Democrats won. They control the White House. They control both houses of Congress. They got the Porkulus bill passed. These should be happy days for the DUmmies, halcyon days. But no. Hatred CONSUMES them, still. Yes, even though the Democrats can have their way on whatever they want, the DUmmies are ABLAZE with HATE--as we saw in our last DUFU and now here again today--hatred of conservatives, hatred of Republicans, hatred of anyone who opposes them. Witness this THREAD, "I don't have to be nice." Feel the love!

The DUmmies tend to have these competitions to see who can sound the angriest, the fiercest, the most foul-mouthed in their denunciations of the Right. Tough-guy talk is easy, of course, when you are holed up in your basement burrow and shouting into an echo chamber. And the DUmmies are not happy unless they are hatin' somebody!

So don your asbestos suit and get ready for the fiery blasts from the DUmmie furnace, in Raging Red, while the calm commentary of your humble guest correspondent, Charles Henrickson, reminding you to hug a DUmmie today--they need it--is in the [brackets]:

I don't have to be nice.

[I don't think you KNOW HOW to be nice, DUmmie Joe Fields. Proceed . . .]

I'm not the sort of guy to mince words. When I write or say something, there's no mistaking where I stand.

[Yes, Joe, it's all about you. Now show us how righteously indignant you can be.]

As I have been monitoring almost all of the right wing talk programs, almost daily . . . I have heard a resounding, GREATLY INCREASING, unending drumbeat of pure, unadulterated HATRED for Obama and the administration.

[As you now begin YOUR resounding, GREATLY INCREASING, unending drumbeat of pure, unadulterated HATRED for conservatives and Republicans!]

These radio show hosts . . . all speak with the rabidity of a hydrophobic dog.

[They got the hydrophobie! Better put 'em down!]

You can almost see see the wild, maniacal look in their eyes, and the drool hanging from their lips, as they speak on the radio in a rage that should only be reserved for the Hitlers of the world.

[Or the wild, maniacal rage that you reserve for conservatives.]

Before the year is out, my guess is that they will be clamoring for Obama's impeachment.

[Before the year is out, YOU DUMMIES may be clamoring for BO's impeachment, if he doesn't act as radical-leftish as you like.]

Well, here are my thoughts: I am reminded of a scene in the John Wayne movie "Big Jake," when I think about Obama extending his hand across the aisle in a gesture of bi-partisanship. After being goaded by another cowboy, who was clearly pushing for a fight, Wayne smiled and said, "Well, I guess there's no point in trying to get on your good side." Then he reached back and floored the guy with a roundhouse punch.

["Big Joke" Obama will smile and say, "How about a nice Hawaiian Punch?"]

F*CK THEM!!! F*ck the republicans and everything they stand for, because they sure as hell don't represent any part of America that I want to be associated with. EVERY GODDAMMED REPUBLICAN REPRESENTATIVE AND SENATOR CAN GO F*CK THEMSELVES!!!

[Pretty good, Joe, but if you REALLY want to impress your fellow DUmmies, set your caps lock on ON, use the "F" word MORE than once per sentence, and ADD MORE EXCLAMATION MARKS!!!!!!!!!!!]

They aren't Americans.

[It's true. We came here from Mozambique.]


[Better, better. You've got the caps lock thing down pretty well now, Joe. Profanity level acceptable. But . . . NEEDS MORE EXCLAMATION MARKS!!!!!!!]

It's open season on republicans.

[Release the hounds!]

All of you motherf*ckers can whine and use all the hot button words you want, like "neo marxist," "socialist," comrades" "communists," or whatever the f*ck you want to call us or the administration.

[Hot-button words we can believe you are!]

The truth of it is that you only have G.W. Bush and yourselves to blame.

[BDS knows no cure.]

We're just trying to clean up this huge stinking mess you left us, so f*ck off, eat sh*t, die, leave the country or whatever.

["Die" is a nice touch, Joe, but "whatever" is a little weak.]

Not only am I going to meet fire with fire, but I'm just now getting warmed up.

[Warming up in the bull(sh*t) pen, lefty Joe Fields!]

I have a lot on my mind and a sh*tload of arthritis medicine.

[Conservative destroyin' and glucosamine chondroitin! Now let's hear from your fellow Peace, Love and Tolerance™ Party mates . . .]

K & R !!!!!!

[Kick a Republican !!!!!!]

Its a great post, BUT..... they will not get out of the way. They will continue to impede AND worse.

[They might actually hold a differing opinion AND try to persuade people! Shameful! Un-American!]


[DUmmie discourse at its finest!]

There is no way to win against these people as long as passion for our aims and anger against those who would derail them is absent.

[I don't think you're going to have trouble with the anger part.]

John Wayne's got nothing on Obama.

[Sheriff BlackBerry Bart is about to whip something out. . . .]

I'm really afraid we're going to be at a loss unless we get MORE control of the Media!

[Katie Couric, Brian Williams, Charlie Gibson, Chris Matthews, Keith Olbermann, Rachel Maddow, et al.--ALL LOUSY REPUBLICON SHILLS!!]

We don't NEED to be on "defense" anymore, we WON and we need to ACT like it..we need to go on OFFENSE!

[Hey, I for one find you pretty offensive.]

We've got to play hardball!

[Insert benburch joke here.]

I loved Howard Dean because he would just kick ass and not care!


Just look at how they have swayed public opinion by merely telling a couple lies about the stimulus package: its pork, its too expensive, it won't create jobs - ALL lies.

[It's pork, it's too expensive, it won't create jobs--all TRUE.]

tax cuts don't work. . . .

[What a terrible thing--to let people keep more of their own money!]

Don't beat around the bush so much!

[Beat ON Bush!]

I'm sick of the sh*t too. To the point where I moved to a place in the woods. I have lived in nazibama, and florida.I have been sick of hearing the rashlimpdick neonazi sh*t since about 86 when I was an over the road salesman in SouthFlorida covering from Key West to Ft Pierce, I had areas where the only radio reception was the station spewing rash. I kept the radio on in order to hear any dangerous weather updates. Being out in the bush could be dangerous if there was a tornado or fire.

[Stay outta da bush! Especially in Florida and Nazibama, DUmmie HillbillyBob.]

I have been hearing this lie sh*t for years and had reached the point I wanted to drive over to rashes palm beach mansion and drive my truck through his living room. I did keep a little sanity, not much.

["Not much" is being generous, HillbillyBob.]

I live on a little farm out in the woods. . . .

[It's a funny kind of farm.]

When the hell are the rest of American citizens gonna wake the hell up and take back our country? are we all pussies?

[We are DUmmies, hear us roar . . .]

what scares me the most is that they are most certainly going to try to put the blame for this recession/depression(?) on him.

[I strongly disagree! We will put the blame on the Democrat Congress too!]

They need to be house-trained by Obama's team, and fast. We had a wonderful animal-trainer called Barbara Woodhouse. She used a choke chain. That's all they need. Don't revile them for being what they are. Dogs are dogs. Not human beings.

[It's the pussies vs. the dogs!]

I hope Obama finds his spine. . . .

[In Search of the Missing Barackbone.]


[Yelling into an echo chamber must make you feel big and tough!]

bipartisanship my ass.

[benburch is bipartisan with his @$$.]

I hate them are so not alone. . . .

[It's a regular HateFest!]

I'm still hoping to see some unity between the two parties. . . .


Whew! Catharsis or primal scream therapy?

[Neither. Normal DUmmie discourse.]

BTW, does anyone know what's going on with Randi Rhodes?


Joe Fields, here's the next step... Figure out a way to take your rant (with which I fully agree) and PG edit it for a family newspaper!

[Like the Manson Family.]

Friday, February 13, 2009

"The Republican Party needs to be eliminated"

No nuanced interpretation needed here. The DUmmies are flat out admitting their totalitarian mindset by declaring that "The Republican Party needs to be eliminated." You can see them proudly make that Thought Police assertion on this THREAD. So is there anybody out there who still wants to challenge my frequent comparisons of DUmmies with wannabee Chekhists who would love nothing more than to rove around the country and liquidate Republicans? Yeah, I love how Democrats are always yapping about diversity...except when it comes to political diversity. So let us now watch the DUmmie Chekhist squad eagerly anticipate the day when they can begin their Republican liquidations in Bolshevik Red while the commentary of your humble correspondent, taking note of the junior Rotfront league, is in the [brackets]:

Mike Malloy: The Republican Party needs to be eliminated.

[And DUmmies unanimously agree.]

from the "Amen" corner.

They serve no useful purpose. There's no reasoning with them. They'll gladly destroy the country if they think it will return them to power.

May they all rot in pieces. I hate to say I hate anyone, but I hate them all.

[A La Pared! And now to hear from the rest of Team Totalitarian...]

Yep - Domestic Terrorist Organization.

[So sayeth a DUmmie who would love to free the REAL terrorists.]

I just said that same thing to my husband not 5 minutes ago!!!
2010 needs to be a reckoning. We need an uprising that makes the 2008 election pale. I think that fundraising is going to be extremely challenging (coincidence, no?) but we have to finish the job.

[Continue the liquidations HASTA LA VICTORIA SIEMPRE!!!]

I also have been telling my husband this since the election. We must for the sake of the Country and the World, bring them down, expose them, vote them out and prosecute them and if necessary jail them. They must go now and asap.

[Couldn't we just save time by skipping the "prosecute" part?]

a strategic hamlet program for republicans they call themselves an insurgency, we need to use counterinsurgent tactics.

[So says a DUmmie who would drown in his own urination if made to face a Republican all by himself.]

THIS IS NO JOKE. In listening to Obama's speech tonight honoring LIncoln. I realized that we are entering into a 2nd civil war.

[Pssst! Inconvenient truth... Lincoln was a...a Republican!]

Eliminated with extreme prejudice. By any means necessary.

[Declared the big brave DUmmie Sturmbahncritter.]

they are our enemy combatants!!! we need to place them on a shelf, they have never been for the people or for the country their record shows their insane tactics over and over again. Their Tax cuts should be shoved...............

[Screeched the DUmmie with the soiled diaper.]

I haven't been this furious in a long time. I want to beat that party into a bloody pulp and then incinerate the remains.

[A La Pared! To The Ovens!]

that party needs to die a swift, merciless, painful death.

[Feel the love!!!]

Thursday, February 12, 2009

Pied Piper Pitt Proves Himself Unerringly Wrong Yet Again

Whenever William Rivers Pitt makes one of his many prognostications, you can bet it will be sure to be wrong. This first came to my attention post-election 2004 when Pitt frequently dispensed with his "insider" information that a certain legal paper was about to be filed in the courthouse of some obscure Ohio county that was sure to overturn the election results. And of course, there was that world famous statement about Karl Rove having already been indicted on May 12, 2006. And if you're wondering what happened to that prediction, then just wait 24 business hours. Most recently, Pitt was in a state of jubilation over Judd Gregg leaving the Senate to become Obama's Commerce secretary because it would mean another Democrat senator. It didn't happen for two reasons. One, the governor of New Hampshire agreed to name a Republican to the senate if Gregg left and, two, because as we learned today, Judd Gregg has decided to remain in the senate. Pitt continues to maintain his track record for perfect error as you can see in his jubilant DUmmie THREAD of January 30 titled, "JUDD GREGG FOR COMMERCE SECRETARY!!!!" So let us now join Pied Piper Pitt as he celebrates the departure of Judd Gregg from the Senate in Bolshevik Red while the commentary of your humble correspondent, recommending that Bukowski's brew its own Pied Piper beer, is in the [brackets]:


[Freudenschade, baby!]

If selected and confirmed, Gregg would be the second Republican in Obama's cabinet. Governor John Lynch, a Democrat, would pick Gregg's replacement.

...and the Senate Democratic majority would reach 60. Filibuster done

Gregg for Commerce, yo.

[Yo! Yo! Yo! ...Oh No!!!]

Not such good news if Lynch appoints a seat-warmer Repub.

[Stated Pitt's mumsy, Raven, who has a getaway cabin in New Hampshire for the Pittster to hide out from rightwingers who want to send him to a Walmart detention center.]

You're there. You think he will?

[Asks her little Sonny Boy.]

I honestly don't know. It is hard to read Lynch, he's a strange guy...I think Obama will be calling the shots on this one. Lynch will do what he's told...maybe!

[Maybe you should have spent your time trying to read Judd Gregg, mumsy.]

Who do you have there that would be considered? I know nothing about your state's politics. Any powerful progressive democrats?

[Progressive democrats meaning socialists of course.]

Paul Hodes or Carol Shea Porter. Both dem congresspeople. I think Hodes was thinking about running against Gregg in 2010. Not sure about Porter.

[Plus you weren't even sure about Judd, mumsy dearest.]

Will the Commerce Dept be marginalized in the new administration? As compared to what the Repugs did with the department.

[Asked a DUmmie just before the Obamites announce the removal of the census folks from Commerce to the White House.]

I remember Obama saying it was important for international trade, but not hyping it on the domestic scene, which is why I think he chose Richardson
for his international background.

[Huevos Rancheros!]

Damned near a checkmate move, if you look at it closely.

[Pitt's check just got mated.]

Would Charlie Brown rather have Lucy hold the football or not??

[This was a case of Charlie Brown walking home and leaving Lucy to hold that football all night.]

Surely Obama has already calculated & dealt with this scenario.

[All carefully planned in advance. Pied Piper Pitt has assured us this is a perfect plan which can't fail.]

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

The William Raspberry Experiment

Today I am dispensing with our normal format to post a special edition of the DUmmie FUnnies. The reason is that yesterday I was consumed by an idea. It hit me in the morning and absolutely consumed me all day yesterday. This idea is still grabbing me and won't let me go until I announce it to the CyberWorld via this edition so here goes...

Rush Limbaugh has often said that it takes about six weeks of constant listening to get what his show and he are about. However, the amazing thing is very few of Rush Limbaugh's many critics have ever listened to him regularly. In fact, they have almost never listened to a Rush Limbaugh show in its entirety and have probably only listened to snippets of the show only a few times each year. Most of what they have heard have come to them second-hand from people who claim they heard it from others who also rarely listen to Rush. The other source for their "expertise" on Rush Limbaugh comes from partial out of context soundbites of Rush on the Web or on the tube. So what would happen if those liberals now hostile towards Rush listen to him more regularly?

Well, we already have one very notable such example. It is William Raspberry who was a Washington Post columnist. In 1993 Raspberry wrote a column blasting Limbaugh for his "demagoguery ... his gay bashing, his racial putdowns." Like the Mississippi segregationists of his youth, Raspberry said, Limbaugh "is so good at ... tossing the raw meat of bigotry to people.... Limbaugh is a bigot."

So what happened after that heated blast? Jeff Jacoby explains:

Eleven days later, Raspberry wrote a second column retracting the first.

"Rush, I'm sorry," he began. He confessed, to his great credit, that the earlier piece had been written in ignorance. "My opinions about [Limbaugh] had come largely from other people -- mostly friends who think Rush is a four-letter word. They are certain he is a bigot. Is he?"

Raspberry -- who by this point had listened to several hours of Limbaugh's shows and perused one of his books -- went on to answer his own question. Limbaugh might be "smart-alecky" and love "to rattle liberal cages," he might be "unrelenting in his assault on ... political correctness." But he was no more a bigot or hatemonger than Art Buchwald.

So what would happen if other liberal critics of Rush, who never listen Rush except via erroneous second hand reports, listen to Rush on a regular basis? Fortunately there is a way to find out. I am hereby proposing that the EIB Network conduct the greatest psychological experiment of all time. I call this "The William Raspberry Experiment." The idea that was consuming me all day yesterday until now as I set these words down on this blog is that a group of mostly liberal volunteers be monitored as they listen to Rush Limbaugh daily for six weeks...a total of thirty 3 hour shows. After careful screening the volunteer group could be broken down into the politically apathetic, "moderates" (meaning liberals who pretend to be unbiased), liberals, and some really far left types who think George W. Bush should be sent to The Hague for war crimes which would include most non-LFTs in DUmmieland. I am thinking that the total number of volunteers for The William Raspberry Experiment could be around 50. The two main groupings would be regular folks as well few celebs.

To ensure that the volunteer listeners are actually listening to Rush and not faking it, they would be gathered at central locations in 3 to 5 metropolitan areas around the country and monitored to make sure they are listening to the full Rush broadcast. Talking among the volunteers during the broadcasts would be prohibited. However, they would be free to later publish their impressions on their blogs or other outlets. In addition, the volunteers would be hooked up with electrodes to measure their brain wave reactions to Rush as well has be recorded on video to observe their facial reactions to El Rushbo. When the six weeks (30 shows total) of the William Raspberry Experiment are over, the volunteers would be debriefed detail in order to determine how their attitudes toward Rush has changed.

The monitors of this grand experiment could be people trained in psychology. They would also be required to release a very detailed report which would be posted on the web as "The William Raspberry Experiment."

Celebrity volunteers would not need to be screened as to their political leanings since it would already be well known. Here are some of the people I would love to see volunteer to become part of the Rush Challenge:

Tom Brokaw: He appears on Morning Joe a lot but his afternoons seem to be free. Mark him down as a "moderate" which means he's really a liberal going through the pretense of being liberal.

Susan Estrich: Perhaps a strong dose of Rush would inoculate her from ever again having a meltdown when the Democrats lose as in 2004.

Eleanor Clift: Monitors should remain on alert to place Clift in an isolation booth in case she almost inevitably starts screaming in protest at Rush during his broadcast.

Caroline Kennedy: Let's face it. Caroline has lots of time to kill nowadays so she has plenty of room in her schedule to be a volunteer in this experiment. Her late brother, John, was fairly open minded so I think he would have loved to have participated. Plus Caroline could learn why her father's tax cuts to stimulate the economy were a good thing.

Pinch Sulzberger: Could the publisher of the New York Times take time out to participate in The William Raspberry Experiment? Actually this could be helpful to the Times since the less time Pinch is spending to pull down that newspaper with his always erroneous ideas, the better it is for that publication.

Ken Norton: I can certify that PJ's pal is completely apathetic politically. In fact, I knew Ken for over five years before any mention of politics ever passed his lips and that was only because he was surprised when I showed him my PJ's Comix cartoon stories on the web. However, because he now lives in the Georgia sticks he is too far away from a major metropolitan area to participate.

So why would people take the Rush Challenge? One reason is that it would be a challenge. Another reason is that I recommend they be paid to participate. Payment would be both in money and free lunches they can eat while imbibing Rush during his broadcasts. Finally, the this would give the liberal volunteers who are bloggers great material to work with and could expect great increases in the number of visitors to their blogs. Participants who are MSM journalists would also have a great subject to report about.

This would also be great publicity for the Rush Limbaugh show since many people would be fascinated in reading about the William Raspberry Experiment. The results should be quite interesting.

My ideas on The William Raspberry aren't set in stone so if you have any suggestions about this...go right ahead and suggest. Have at it my fellow dittoheads!

Sunday, February 08, 2009

"Someone please remind me why America is so great."

Liberals are wont to bristle when their patriotism is questioned and then proceed to spout off that dissent is patriotic and that they can hate their government and still love their country. While these are valid points, the tables have turned; conservatism is now the dissenting view. Sadly, these guys won, and won big. They should be happy, right? They finally got the government they wanted. More than a trillion dollars worth of the government they wanted.

Well that isn't the case. Oddly, less than three weeks after the coronation of Obama, a stroll through the DUmp will turn up dozens of complaint threads about the Democrat controlled Executive and Legislative branches, as we've seen on numerous DUmmie FUnnie episodes since the election.

But, as we all know, patriotism is about love of country, not of government. Every so often, liberals will let down their guard and reveal their true feelings about their country, as is witnessed in this DUmmie 
THREAD, "Someone please remind me why America is so great."

So let us now witness the underlying hatred of America being debated with only the feeblest of arguments to the contrary in Bolshevik red while the comments of your humble guest correspondent, Paul Heinzman, are in the [brackets].

Someone please remind me why America is so great.

[“If you have to ask ... you'll never know.”--Louis Armstrong.]

About 30 million of us can't get a job at all.

[I thought it was 500 million a month.]

Millions of those who do have a job (or three or four) work the longest hours in the civilized world for below-poverty wages and no benefits.

[Maybe they're just not applying themselves.]

Those anachronistic middle class people who make a "living" wage and have benefits must now work longer and longer hours and find that the benefits are often unusable or have become worthless now that the economy is in the toilet.

[401K's are currently the best bargain this side of PJ's $1.50 DiGeorno pizza source.]

Our political "leaders" work for our enemies and simply ignore our votes when it suits them.

[You voted for those "leaders."]

Our roads, bridges, schools, power grid and other public infrastructure have not been up to current standards since the 1960's.

[Every time a code changes we have to tear down everything and rebuild? Oh, no! My drywall is only 1/2" thick. Might as well burn this dump to the ground and start over.]

Our health care system serves only insurance companies, wealthy doctors and the ultra-wealthy elite who can afford care. Sick citizen? You are f**ked, pal. 

[I'm not your pal, friend.]

Our education system is an underfunded, overly politicized joke.

[The NEA told me so.]

Our economic system has been hijacked by a relative handful of predatory, greedy vermin who now own virtually everything, including our homes.

[You are talking about the Congress of the United States, sir. Show some respect. They are a handful of DISTINGUISHED predatory, greedy vermin.]

We no longer have a viable manufacturing base. Indeed, we couldn't last two weeks without importing poisonous crap from China.

[We would THRIVE without importing poisonous crap from China.]

Our civil liberties have gone the way of the dodo bird; we now must shuffle through lines like a bunch of docile concentration camp inmates just to travel from one state to another.

[Yeah, those welcome signs at the state line are so insincere.]

And god forbid your name (or one similar to it) ends up on the wrong government shitlist.

[We were more than happy to let Bill Ayers go to Canada. It was their government that turned him away.]

Our media are owned by our enemies, so the LAST thing you'll ever hear on the "public airwaves" is an ounce of truth.

[That explains why Obama gave his first interview with our allies at 
Al Arabia.]

How is this all that different from, say, the Soviet Union circa 1965?

[I'd really, REALLY love to have a time machine right now to send DUmmie leftofthedial back to 1965 Moscow with a stack of copies of his rant and a box of thumbtacks.]

I mean except for the part where we don't really have health care or a manufacturing base or an education system.

[The USSR was known for their healthcare, manufacuring and education in the mid-60's. They were the envy of the world. My Sociology 101 prof told me so.]

More to the point, how is this really any different from, say, England in the 1300's? 

[They didn't have the Internet in 14th century England, though it was quite popular in Italy. Did you know that 
The Decameron started out as a blog? Now let's hear from the rest of the Dummies.]

the difference: they say "have a nice day" as they kick you in the teeth

[In the gulags, when they kicked you in the teeth, they REALLY DID kick you in the teeth. And that was how they said "have a nice day." If they didn't want you to have a nice day, they came back and worked on other parts.]

And the rightwing answer is: "If you don't like it, then you can leave."

[That's not the "rightwing" answer--that's the RIGHT answer.]

do it, leave, I did, I am far happier in France than I was in the USA

[And we are happier without you.]

How did you go about moving to France? Was it difficult to orchestrate?

[Invading France is easy, so I imagine moving there is a breeze.]

I met and fell in love with a French woman in Chicago, so I got nationality really easily.

[It was a buy one get one free sale in Chicago.]

I know it is much more difficult/impossible with dogs, so we will have to wait, but we are really serious about getting out while it is still possible.

[It probably is easier with a French woman than with a French poodle, but why not give it a try.]

The difference between Canada and the USA is that Canadians have the common sense to protect themselves first and foremost.
Canadians are really more like the French than I'm sure many of them would be willing to admit.

[The whole world knows that if they mess with either of them, they'll answer to the US. With a bodyguard like that, who needs to go to the gym?]

living in Canada is like going to prom with your sister. Sure she may be pretty, and has good manners...
but wouldn't you rather go with the punk chick that lives one street south of your sister--the one that drives the Camaro and drinks Jack Daniels and dances and stays out till 4am having a good time?

[DUmmie Raskolnik only got to second base with his sister on prom night.]

Times are tough, but this country has been through worse. America will never be a utopia, but even with all our current problems, we still have it pretty damn good.

[Quit pepping my downer!]

Yup. Our system of government allows for non-violent "civil wars".

[I'm betting your political science professor taught you to call the peaceful transition of power in America a "non-violent civil war."]

You sure the beaten, neutralized, bushified System is still capable of such?

[Still Bush's fault!]

Explain how we have been through worse?

[Got food?]

You cannot compare this to the great depression in any sense.

[No, you cannot. In the Great Depression, poor people were starving. There was not one overweight poor person then.]

So just how have we been through worse? What are you using to compare this to?

[Jimmy Carter's America was much worse than this. But be patient, we'll get there.]

We had a real media then and people knew where they stood and people were much in the same boat where we are not now. Corporations did not amount to a few who owned and controlled everything .

[Franklin Roosevelt got on TV the day of the Crash of '29 to calm the people down. Joe Biden told me so.]

If I hear this again I'll go mad.

[That train has already left the station.]

The list is endless of how different it is now than then , endless.

[Like the list of your mental disorders.]

the Civil War and the Great Depression were probably worse, yes.


Compared to many parts of the world, we're doing pretty well.

[Compared to ANY parts of the world, we're doing pretty well.]

I don't think life is all that bad for most Americans. Yes it can and should get better, and this is why I think highly of this country.


yes, my life will be a wonderful bed of roses and delicious elixirs, all because for at least another month or two I have access to the Internet...

[They have access to the Internet in China, too, DUmmie leftofthedial. The difference is you have the freedom to use it fully.]

Our immediate needs are being met, we're free to bash our government

[If that's your immediate need then I'd say you have it pretty good.]

Well, it's like you just got hired to run a big-ass farm

[And you just got benburch's attention.]

When the bosses in the 1300's shafted the people they didn't telll them it was for their own good.

[When they shafted people, they REALLY shafted people.]

"We're Number One!"
is such a load of number two.

[Sounds like you're pissed off.]

English toilets of the 1300's would have been ghastly. Plus I think they were actually still burning folks at the stake. The plague was doing brisk business, too. Science was in the pits, thanks to the Church.

[But aside from that, how is America so much better?]

I'm no big "USA!" cheerleader...

[So you're the one who read Will Pitt's book.]

Friday, February 06, 2009

Pied Piper Pitt Claims Obama's Lack of Leadership a Good Thing

William Rivers Pitt is making another desperate suckup bid to escape the kiddie's table of DUmmieland and join the adults at the Power Play Politics table. Perhaps Pitt has forgotten that it is only in the alternate universe where Karl Rove was indicted on May 12, 2006 and he was hailed for breaking that story along with Jason Leopold. Yes, in that alternate universe Pitt would now be holding court in fancy Boston restaurants and be appearing regularly as a guest pundit on MSNBC. Instead, harsh cold reality has condemned him to sit FOREVER at the DUmmieland kiddie table spinning nonsense. And the latest bit of Pitt nonsense is his absurd claim that it is a GOOD thing that Obama is unable to show leadership on "his" stimulus package (which was actually written by Nancy Pelosi). Yes, Barack Obama's party has large majorities in both houses of Congress yet The One is having big problems getting his legislation passed. Remember Ronald Reagan? In 1981, even though he lacked a majority in Congress, he still was able to convince enough Democrats to cross over and pass his tax cut bill. Obama couldn't even get ONE Republican to vote for his (Pelosi's) stimulus pork package. Not at all a show of leadership but to Pitt that is a good thing as you can see in his THREAD titled, "We're watching a President get manhandled by Congress. Long time since we've seen the like." As I am typing this, even Chris "Leg Thrill" Matthews is slamming his beloved Barack for being unable to sell the pork package to the public. However, this is all just so wonderful for the clueless Pitt who once again proves himself to be unerringly wrong. So let us now watch Pitt pathetically suck up to Obama who WON'T be giving him a political job in Bolshevik Red while the commentary of your humble correspondent, who notes that Obama looked like he desperately needed a cigarette during his Anger Management speech last night, is in the [barackets]:

We're watching a President get manhandled by Congress. Long time since we've seen the like.

[Yes. We've never seen the like since the inept times of Jimmy Carter.]

We spent six years with a president who could ram whatever he wanted through congress. He had Hastert and Frist and DeLay, we had a bag of doorknobs and a lot of deep sighs. We spent the next two years watching the GOP minority filibuster everything in Congress except the sink in the men's room. Again, doorknobs and sighs.

[Damn that George Bush for being so politically skilled.]

It was the utterly imperial nature of the Bush presidency that I loathed and feared the most. He did great damage to the constitution, and I have been deeply afraid he may have irreparably undone the separation of powers doctrine. He ignored subpoenas, spied on everyone, lied us into wars...know what? F*ck it, I'm not writing all that shit again, you know full well what he did.

[How about writing about your Karl Rove indictment hoax even ONCE?]

An imperial presidency is anathema to the rule of constitutional law in America, but that's what we had. The Executive, flush with vastly expanded and not yet legally challenged powers, was handed to Obama, and I've been waiting to see what happens next.

[What happened next is that Obama discovered that the presidency is more than just some FUn job of riding around in Air Force One. It is a high pressure job where you have to show skillful LEADERSHIP. Not FUn.]

And in a weird way, all this bedlam around the stimulus is a tonic.

[Woo! Hoo! Obama's lack of leadership skills is just so wuuunderful!!!]

Think about it.

[Even better...Laugh about it.]

The Executive Branch is getting kicked around by the Legislative Branch.

[Despite having large majorities in the Legislative Branch. And Pitt spins this as a positive thing. BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!]



A year ago, we'd have been dancing in the streets. Right?

[That was then. This is now.]

This thing will pass in whatever form, and smart money says we'll be seeing Stimulus II coming to a theater near you at some point. Everybody in the House, the Senate and the White House got all geeked up because the whole government just got turned inside out. They got spooked by the lights, and the Republicans have ALWAYS been better at the to-the-knife media warfare than us. A lot of the stuff getting cut will come back again in different legislation.

[Democrats have large majorities in both houses of Congress and Obama STILL can't get it passed. For Pitt this is cause for celebration. Yippeee!!! Our president is politically inept! Woo! Hoo!]

The Executive Branch is getting kicked around by the Legislative Branch. It'll pass, but the separation of powers is in effect. That gladdens me. deeply.

[Why don't you tell Obama how happy you are over his ineptitude? That should make him feel better.]

Buy the ticket, take the ride.

[ Bukowski's to watch Pitt perform his comedy act. And now on to the DUmmie Peanut Gallery...]

For good or bad when it comes right down to it they are all our guys.

[So why can't they get anything done.]

Where was all this when bush was around? Or was everybody just too busy genuflecting to notice?

[Only in the DUmmie alternate universe was Congress automatically genuflecting to Bush.]

Gotta admit it - I wish Obama would have grabbed some of the power left to The Executive, and jammed the stimulus package down Congress's throat before anybody had a chance to get used to their new positioning. So I have a double standard. So I have no interest in this bipartisan shit as long as republi-CONS are still trying to kick stand in our guys' faces. So all I want to give the republi-CONS is a knuckle sandwich. So what if all I want at this point is payback and tit-for-tat?

[A DUmmie purveyor of the Pelosi attitude which is why the pork package got NO Republican votes in Congress.]

Our President is in a world of hurt. Pelosi refused to impeach and now she sits on her throne shooting the beaver to the rest of us. Sorry but this is way out of control.

[Does her beaver smoke cigars too?]

How do we get rid of them? Can the president fire them, or are they there no matter what? If there is a way, I would love to see them go!

[Of course. Aren't you familiar with that constituional amendment giving the president the right to fire members of congress?]

I don't understand what you think she's doing wrong. The bill passed the House right? And Reid says he has the votes and they're going to vote tonight. That's good, right?

[Nope. No midnight oil burnt last night and not enough votes for passage in the Senate despite earlier assurances from Dingy Harry.]

Obama will not be able to ignore the war crimes. He will have to address them. Time will tell.

[In just another 24 business hours.]

And I think Pres. Obama welcomes the legislative tug-o-war, as part and parcel of the process.

[Showing ineptitude is all part of the grand plan.]

hey're cutting a deal to whallop most of the $150 billion in education funding off the end of this thing. The tax cuts are all staying. We'll get the education funding in Stimulus II, I pray, but don't pretend Congress didn't run this thing through a thresher. They did.

[Pitt admits that Stimulus I doesn't have a chance so now its on to Stimulus II already.]

I wish I could see it in such a positive way as you do, Will...but I don't. I hope your interpretation turns out to be the correct one.

[Translation: I wish I could see Obama's utter ineptitude as a positive thing but I just can't. I do hope your divorced from reality interpretation turns out to be the correct one.]

Who said it was positive? It just is.

[It all depends on what your definition of is is.]

But the only way to ensure that the "Imperial Presidency" never comes back to haunt us in the future is to prosecute those who broke the law, and violated the Constitution.

[Obama is flopping bigtime and the DUmmies still have themselves focused on The Hague.]

As always, the Democrats allow the republicans to force the Dems to eat their own.

[More like stand back and watch the Dems eat their own. Oh, and how is Pelosi's beaver doing?]

Wednesday, February 04, 2009

DUmmie Claims Son Got Rich Playing Seminole Hard Rock Blackjack

Right up front I'm calling BS on this DUmmie FAIRY TALE about how his son got rich playing blackjack at the Seminole Hard Rock Hotel and Casino in Hollywood, FL (our Hollywood is actually more glamorous than that "other" Hollywood"). The title of DUmmie Billy Burnett's fantasy is "My son lost his job 4 months ago. Now, unemployed, makes more money than you can shake a stick at." And not only your humble correspondent is calling BS on his improbably story but even a lot of DUmmies are calling BS on it. Why? How about because his son's blackjack "system" consists of nothing. But first, before we see his son's laughable blackjack method for winning a little background on the Seminole Hard Rock Casino Hollywood. First of all, the Seminole Hard Rock Casino Hollywood shouldn't be confused with the nearby Seminole Casino Hollywood. The former is the ultra-glamorous casino and hotel (and restaurants and lots of other stuff) that you can see in the picture above and opened 5 years ago. The latter is just down the street and is the BIRTHPLACE of all Indian gambling ventures in the nation. Yes, 30 years ago Seminole bingo opened there and, after lengthy court battles, established the right of Indians to operate gambling ventures. However, nowadays, that shrine to Indian gambling, although located in a massive building which now includes almost all kinds of gambling, has become somewhat seedy. However, my wife and I actually prefer it. Why? In order to lure people away from the nearby Seminole Hard Rock Casino Hollywood, the seedy elder brother offers an incredible buffet. Really fantastic prime rib. However, the clientele are real dregs. Most of them never even leave tips at the buffet despite the great deal (all you can eat for 6 bucks). Meanwhile the Seminole Hard Rock Casino is like a theme park for casinos. A very fun place which I recommend to everyone who visits South Florida. Okay, enough with the Seminole casino descriptions so let us now watch DUmmie Billy Burnett spin blackjack fantasy in Bolshevik Red while the commentary of your humble correspondent, who enjoyed a Seminole casino prime rib buffet just this past Saturday, is in the [brackets]:

My son lost his job 4 months ago. Now, unemployed, makes more money than you can shake a stick at.

[Better forward this thread to the new Treasury Secretary so he can pay his taxes.]


[We're on the edge of our seats.]

Blackjack. Seminole Hard Rock Casino.

[The world awaits details about his incredible blackjack system.]

Lives in Hollywood Fl. He was in a panic over the job loss. Smart youngster (mid 30's). Goes to the casino early every morning when no one is there. Plays one on one w/the dealer. Plays until he loses 1 hand then walks. Goes straight to the bank and deposits his winnings. Rinse repeat 1x to 4x per day.

[That's it? And what happens if he LOSES 5 times in a row? Oh, he somehow only wins until that one unfortunate loss. That's his "system?"]

Unemployed. He made $40,000 in January (right in line with his per month earnings winnings from the previous 3 months).

[BS detectors are sounding loud alarms.]

This is making his mother happy. It's freaking me out.

[And now we shall see that even his fellow DUmmies are not buying into this fairy tale...]

He's fine, until that first time he plays "just one more" after he loses the first time.

[And often that first time loss will occur on the first five hands in a row.]

He just bought a new MB SCL500 yesterday.

[Did he also buy some meds to suppress his fantasies?]

Y'know, this is the red flag for me here. I don't know you or your son, and I'm sure I'm out of line. But the guy's unemployed and he goes out and buys a $100K car? Something's not right. Maybe it's just his judgment that's off and he really is raking it in from the casino. But, really, think about it.

[This whole fantasy had a red flag for me from the get-go.]

Y'know, this is the red flag for me here. I don't know you or your son, and I'm sure I'm out of line. But the guy's unemployed and he goes out and buys a $100K car? Something's not right. Maybe it's just his judgment that's off and he really is raking it in from the casino. But, really, think about it.


wow...i want your son's luck. far be it for me to judge, but shouldn't he try to save some of it instead of burning it on a lavish, rapidly depreciating asset?

[The car is as real as the blackjack fantasy.]

Make sure he pays taxes.

[Yes, he could be appointed to the Obama cabinet.]

He goes into the casino w/a $200 roll. Walks out if he loses that. Comes back later in the day and wins $5,000. On average he spends no more than 10 hours a week playing. Then he goes fishing for the rest of his time.

[Wins 5000 bucks on just a few hands by betting $200. Oh, and only by spending 10 hours per week on this fantasy.]

I suspect the son's run of luck won't last very much longer.

[I suspect your fantasy won't last much longer under even the most minor of scrutiny.]

Blackjack is one of the few games where the house edge can be eroded to nothing by a smart disciplined player. They can ask you to either play any other game in the establishment or leave the premises.

[Think about how DUmb DUmmie Billy Burnett would be for posting this story out in the open...assuming it's true which is a mighty big assumption.]

And what happens if he loses his first hand, and I don't mean "one" hand I mean the first hand immediately after he sits down? I have played a lot of blackjack, and many times I've lost the first 7 out of 10 hands dealt. What's he playing $25 minimum? $100 minimum? If he made $40 grand in January, I'm quitting my job tomorrow and going to hang out with your son. He's a hell of a player.

[A DUmmie calls BS on this fantasy.]

This is the first thing I've ever heard that made me get interested in gambling. Can someone explain to me why we aren't all doing this?

[Nothing stopping you. Just go out and earn $40,000 following this simple system. Hee! Hee!]

Well, there you go. Economic problems solved. We now have a plan.

[Obama should place this blackjack "system" at the center of his stimulus package.]

Something doesn't sound right about this story

[Starting with the first word and ending with the final period.]

I'm sorry, I have a problem believing this. NOBODY makes $40,000 a month playing cards. NOBODY. Not consistently, not for long, not with six decks. The odds are stacked against the player. I've known many people who claimed to be making a ton of money at the casino. Turns out they were all lying. One guy finally admitted he only comes out a few hundred bucks a year ahead. Another guy ended up losing his house.

[We're only $400 ahead after over a year and happy for that. We think of it as scoring lots of freebie prime rib buffets.]

He called home last night to tell his mother that she shouldn't worry about his new vocation - also asking about tax accountants. He told her that he knows he is lucky and that he is humbled by the experience of the last 4 months. He has socked away his earnings (aside from the new car) knowing that it can't last. He has a system.

[DUmmie Billy Burnett attempts to shore up his rapidly crumbling story.]

The ONLY way he's making that much money is dealing drugs or trafficking something heinous.

[Like Obama cabinet hopefuls pay for play.]

What a disgusting allegation. Stick it where the sun don't shine. OK?

[Getting a bit testy, aren't we, DUmmie Billy Burnett.]

Do the math, somethings wrong. Suppose he is starting with $200 and "making" $40,000 in a month. 30 days, that's roughly $1300 per day on a stake of $200. That's a return of over 600%, day after day, month after month. Even if he is counting cards and doing a few other marginally legal things, he'd be doing well to play at about 52%. We can suppose he's only making 4 grand a month. Then we are talking about only winning 130 bucks per day with a $200 stake. That'd make a tad more sense, only a tad more but he is suggesting he's winning about 60%. If he's doing anything, he's getting supremely lucky. He's limiting his down side and currently is making one or two smart bets a week that cover for an awful lot of break even/loss days. But the gamblers fallicy kicks in sooner or later. The house has "unlimited" deep pockets, and can sustain their losses for much longer than your son. Furthermore, they can "limit" his winnings (max bets etc). It won't take many "bad" days to burn through $4000 a month. All in all I think I'd go with him some day and see what's up.

[Howling at the full moon. That's what's up.]

For example... he said he won about $20,000 yesterday morning. Will take a few days off. I don't know how he does it, I'm busy working an honest job for comparative peanuts, but when I get back from the road I will be going w/him to see for myself.

[BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! This blackjack fantasy gets FUnnier and FUnnier! Yeah, his son just cleared $20,000 with a $200 roll...and just in the morning hours alone.]

It astonishes me the casino has not kicked him out yet. Something doesn't add up. The best counters I've run across have walked away after winning just 200 or 300 dollars a day. They know if they won even more than that, they would be painting a target on themselves for getting kicked out at the casinos I'm familiar with.

[And yet the Seminole Hard Rock Casino lets this DUmmie's son just walk away with $20,000 hours that he won in the morning hours alone using a $200 bankroll.]

Sounds like he's doing "something else" and lying to his Mom. I hate to be so honest, but that's how it looks.

[It sounds better than admitting that he is dealing crack to his dad.]

Ding ding ding! Just based on what I'm reading on this thread, it doesn't sound right.

[This revelation is way too obvious to earn you a Kewpie Doll.]

Even if the story is true, anyone who consistently wins at the same game at the same casino is going to be assumed to be cheating. Nobody, but nobody can beat the house odds that often.

[In real life this DUmmies son isn't even winning enough to buy himself a prime rib buffet just down the street.]

I'm not an advocate of gambling. I was opposed to the Fla lottery, and to Indian Casino gambling. I am not pleased at the inequity of gambling and the money it leaches from an economy. His winning of so much has defeated so much of the reasoning I used to dish out about the evils of gambling when he was a youngster. I'm kind of pissed.

[You'll be even more pissed when you find out that your son's story is utter BS and you made a complete fool of yourself by repeating in DUmmieland like it was really true.]

Hope he's putting away the tax money he'll owe on that.

[Why? Does he think Obama will appoint him to become Gambling Czar?]

Here is the problem with this story. If anyone consistently wins at any casino the casino will know there is something amiss in a jiffy. Cameras are everywhere. The person who accomplished this would find themselves with two thugs dressed in suits one on each arm being escorted out the nearest door western style. And then they will not let you back in any more.

[You mean they won't sit idly by as you win $20,000 with a $200 bankroll in the morning hours?]

Don't know what to say about the negative reactions by DUers. I don't like gambling. Don't like that he's "earning" money in this way. He's his own man now, and he know it most likely won't last long. What I do know is that if he says he's winning big in this way I know it's true - one thing he's not is a bullshitter/liar.

[Not my little sonny boy! He would NEVER lie about winning $20,000 with a $200 bankroll in the morning hours alone. I BEEEEEELEEEEEEVE!!!]

The dealers are going to start noticing him, though, being there that long. So I question his ability to continue much longer if this is what he's doing. Maybe altering shifts and only playing a few days a week he's getting away with it longer.

[You mean you can't fly under the radar while winning $20,000 with a $200 bankroll in the morning hours alone?]

The math has big problems with this story. Something else is happening here.

[I think it is called spinning BS on a big scale.]

Go with him. A few of us do not believe this is possible and that this is actually a cover story your son has come up with. Instead of simply ignoring these warnings, go and see for yourself. Remember you said you are being freaked out -- deep down, you know something is wrong with this story.

[Gee, what could possibly be wrong with this story?]

There is no way this is true. Either it's completely made up or
this kid isn't telling his parents the truth about where he's getting all that money.

[This story has all the credibility of a Pied Piper Pitt journalistic scoop.]

I don't think anyone is trying to hurt your feelings, but those of us who know problem gamblers are picking up the clues in this story. Again, I hope your son is truly the luckiest/smartest/most scientific card player there is. I really do.

[His son will prove his story to be true in just 24 business hours.]

Hate to break this to you, but your son is lying to you... Sorry. He's getting the money some other way. I know he's your son and you want to believe him. But he's lying to you.

[Perhaps the journalistic team of Leopold & Lib can get to the bottom of this story.]

Billy - I have to add my voice to the skeptics. I don't know you or your son. Calling him a liar is so rude it's beyond measure. BUT - this is so outlandish that I hope you'll dig further and find out if your son is in trouble.

[We need Pied Piper Pitt to teach him the proper investigative techniques.]

He's either peddling his ass or selling coke

[Is this DUmmie's son named Ben Burch?]

Being a high-end rentboy is GREAT work. You get to choose your clients, the pay is great and no need to do risky scenes. Of course, it is not an easy to get into and requires considerable physical assets...

[DUmmieland is THE authoritative place to go to get info about high-end rentboys.]

South Florida is full of people who like to claim they make an ongoing income at the casino, but that lie will ONLY fly with people who do not understand casino gambling very well.

[Yeah, that's what I heard from my friend Hector II until I saw him and his wife selling their household belongings on a blue tarp at the Swap Shop.]

my bullshit meter just went through the roof

[Whenever you hear an Obama cabinet appointee explain why they didn't pay their taxes? ...Well, I sure hope there is a followup to this thread so we can find out what was REALLY going on with DUmmie Billy Burnett's son.]

Tuesday, February 03, 2009

John Conyers Puts Another Log on the Sanjay Gupta Fire

You can always count on the DUmmies for not letting a controversy rest, even something as uncontroversial as the appointment of the Surgeon General. For some background on this, please see this previous DUmmie FUnnies EDITION entitled "DUmmies Outraged at Obama's Surgeon General Pick,"  and you'll see that many DUmmies were enraged over Obama's pick of Dr. Sanjay Gupta for Surgeon General.

The controversy died down a week or two later but was briefly reinvigorated this Sunday by an e-mail circulated by John Conyers urging people to sign a petition to demand what Conyers calls a "serious reformer" instead of Dr. Gupta as you will see in this DUmmie 
THREAD entitled "Conyers' petition to demand a "serious reformer" instead of "trial balloon" Sanjay Gupta for SG."

So now let us watch the DUmmies rehash the silliest debate this side of flavor country in Marlboro red while the comments of your humble guest narrator, Paul Heinzman, are in the [brackets].

Conyers' petition to demand a "serious reformer" instead of "trial balloon" Sanjay Gupta for SG

[The Surgeon General has determined that John Conyers is a clown.]

A new email is being sent out from Conyer's office to ask us to question whether Gupta should be the nominee for Surgeon General. We really need to get through Conyers' single payer plan bill through the house, and I sense he feels that Gupta will be a roadblock to this happening!

[If anyone listened to the Surgeon General we would have given up everything FUn by now. Well, except for ONE thing, right. I'm looking at YOU, Dr. Elders.

[What follows is John Conyers's e-mail, excerpted for maximum hilarity.]

Dear (Me):

[Spoken like a true liberal.]

Earlier this month I raised concerns about the trial balloon floated for Surgeon General, Dr. Sanjay Gupta.

[He pays his taxes. He won't fit in.]

The doctor is a health commentator for CNN who dispenses medical advice with a breezy style appropriately suited to the brief two-minute segments of television.

[The anonymity of being Surgeon General will drive him away from the job in six months. Yeah, more people have read the Surgeon General's warning than watch CNN, but "Cigarette Smoke Contains Carbon Monoxide" just doesn't have the flair of a TV spot.]

Act Now. Demand a Serious Reformer for Surgeon General.

[The Surgeon General's warnings are getting pretty stale. We need a reformer.]

Your Friend,
John Conyers, Jr.

[You're not my friend, buddy.]

The man's mastery of the Sternly Worded Letter literary form will be the stuff of legends.

[Hey, DUmmie BlooInBloo, making FUn of John Conyers is OUR job.]

Well, at least he did the SWL

[Yes, at least he has that going for him. Whatever that is.]

I don't want Sanjay either, so, uh, thanks John.

[Thank you for your, uh, "support."]

Maybe he should focus more on impeaching Bush

[That sounds like a PERFECT way for John Conyers to spend his time. He should chair a whole committee devoted solely to that goal for the next two years. He can even handpick the members, all the Democrats and RINOs he wants.]

If the Surgeon General is so meaningless, perhaps Obama should appoint YOU.

[It wouldn't make a bit of difference.]

naw, I'm not very personable.

[You wouldn't fit in on DU if you were.]

Plus I'm fat, nobody likes a fat guy telling them to eat healthy and get exercise.

[Yet Michael Moore did it anyway.]

Yeah, F**k Conyers on this one. I said it. I'm proud I said it. I unsubscribed to his emails over this.

[Touché, DUmmie WeDidIt. Conyers will think twice next time, now that he has tasted your wrath.]

Gupta is BAR NONE, the ABSOLUTE BEST choice for SG at this time
There has never been and never will be a better choice.

[The torch has been passed to a new generation of Surgeon General.]

Do you *know* Gupta?
I do. And he's an awful choice.

[Skilled neurosurgeon who is charismatic enough to give medical advice on a major news network and has probably helped millions. Yeah, he's gonna suck.]

Except for his response to "Sicko," I've liked him, but that's a pretty big "except for"....

[Anything involving Michael Moore involves a big "but."]

and for the Surgeon General- an MPH would also be appropriate.

[He looks pretty healthy. He could probably maintain 10-15 mph for a while.]

Yes, Leave SANJAY alone while he kisses the HMO's butts!?!

[I'm not familiar with that abbreviation in reference to the GLBT community, but somebody in Obamba's administration better kiss their butts since Obama dissed them with the Rick Warren choice.]

Sanjay Gupta is a JOKE, and I am more than disappointed with Obama for even considering him.
Add that on to my complete disgust with the stimulus he is shoving and you have a giant clusterf**k.

[So a trillion plus dollars of wasteful spending you could live with, but the Surgeon General pick just sent you over the edge?]