Tuesday, October 19, 2010

DUFU Audition Tips For DUmmies On Election Day...and Beyond

It is now exactly two weeks until Election Day. The DUmmies are obviously feeling a lot of tension. The big question for them is "Do I have what it takes to be featured in the DUmmie FUnnies?" Yes, there is certain to be a lot of competition to make it into the DUFUs so I understand their worries. Even though I expect MANY DUFU editions on Election Day and in the days that follow, there will also be many juicy DUmmie threads full of comedy nuggets to choose from. Since I have a certain fondness for the critters in my DUmmie Ant Farm so I am here to give them helpful tips on how to successfully audition for a spot in the DUmmie FUnnies so here goes in no particular order:

1. Drama Queen Antics: The more the Drama Queen melodrama you project, the better your chances of making it into the DUFU selection process. Let the 2004 stand up and melodramatically announce your names to the world stand out as a great example of what you can achieve in the Drama Queen category.

2. Cry voter machine fraud: Yes, even though this charge seemed to have faded away in 2006 and 2008 when the Democrats won big, it is sure to be resurrected if the Republicans gain ground. Since there will be many such charges, please be very creative in how you cry fowl.

3. Attack Obama: Yes, I know you have been holding in your disgust with The One for fear of being Tombstoned by Skinner but I have a feeling the dam will break on election night. The upside is that so many DUmmies will be attacking how Obama is destroying the Democrats that the numbers will simply overwhelm Skinner unless he wants to ban 90% of DUmmieland.

4. Retreat to Mysticism: Demoralized DUmmies retreating to mysticism is a great way to make the DUFU cut. I am really fond of alternate universes in which America decides to go socialist. Finding solace in the wisdom of the Hopi Elders is another great way to make it into the DUFUs. Oh, and finding hope in astrology is also quite entertaining especially if the moon enters Uranus.

5. William Rivers Pitt gives his two bits: Pied Piper Pitt playing pundit is always great for laughs. How well I remember his many promises of an election reversal in 2004 because of unknown legal papers filed in obscure Ohio courtrooms. That was Pitt playing his classic "insider in the know" game.

6. Blame Karl Rove: Rovian conspiracy theories about fixing the election always goes to the top of any DUFU audition list.

7. Stop the World, I Wanna Get Off: This final tip is probably the easiest way to get inducted in the DUFUs. Just declare that you completely give up on this country in particular and life in general. Screech about planning to leave this country or even taking the Heaven's Gate solution.

I hope you DUmmies have found these tips helpful. Study them carefully and you will definitely have an edge on your fellow DUmmies. Good luck on making it into the DUFUs on Election Day and/or in the days that follow!


Anonymous krazy kat said...

Dummie Tip #8:

Return of the Sheeple: If the Republican make substantial gains in the Congressional elections the DUmmies will savage the "Sheeple", that stupid American electorate consisting of Red State rednecks, suburban racists, NASCAR retards, crypto-fascist teabaggers and demented, sister jumping, fundamentalists.

This crowd of reactionaries has been quiet the past two elections but the DUmmies know that they're lurking out there in voter land ready to pounce on the hapless Democrats.

2:07 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm sure that DU will shut down their board to outsiders for a while after the election, so they can wail and rend their garments without being made fun of.

Sign up on DU now, so you can enjoy the wailing later!

3:09 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Ah yes, there needs to be a category for Blame the Voters. Voters will be called retards, racists, rednecks, etc.

President Obama has already sent out the memo:

“Part of the reason that our politics seems so tough right now and facts and science and argument does not seem to be winning the day all the time is because we’re hardwired not to always think clearly when we’re scared.."

Anybody who doesn't vote Dem will be accused of being irrational and unable to comprehend things like "facts and science."

In reality the country is not scared. We're pissed.

3:26 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

All of which will be real hard, considering they (DUmb_asses)have simultaneously(!)been claiming voter GOP fraud; polling fraud; voter stupidity; and GOP voter suppresion. Oh, and the NY Times is really a right wing corporate(ist)(?)organization, and the CIA is tapping into their brain waves. Oh, and the Tea Party is really racist, despite the socialists admitting they were trying to infiltrate the Tea Party and plant racist signs to make them appear racist...which failed on an epic scale... D'Oh! Rule #1for commies...don't count on dope smoking hippies for anything...they're high!!!

In the months before the election, since they knew what was coming, and apparently suffer from a severe case of cognitive dissonance...and a hefty dose of projection. (ACORN, anybody?) I interpret this as the DUmmies know they are getting a severe ass whooping in November...(1994 on steroids) so start lining up the excuses. I fully expect to see the Diebold tampering excuses lined up (hillarious). Funny how the "stolen elections" excuses only appear when D's lose elections, eh? No stolen elections in 2006/2008? The R's were so good in 2000/02/04...but decided to quit their successful ways in '06 and 08? REALLY?? Why? Please inform us, Oh great prognasticators of political truth.

I cannot wait to look at DU on 3 NOV 2010. If anyuthing to hear the great sound of crickets. You got your ass kicked. I seriosly cannot wait to log into www.democraticundergound.com on 3 November. I only wish it wereduring the suimmer when there are literally no sports taking place because soccer and baseball are not sports.

Though DUmmies likely thing that soccer and baseball are the premiere sports. Hello NOV 2!

10:40 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Oh my god I am so looking forward to this. The hysteria, the apocalyptic denunciations, the wild threats to move to another country! (apparently dummies feel that, as Americans, they have the right to just move to some other nation an declare themselves citizens, as if those countries don't have enough of their OWN useless, welfare-dependent, statist whiners. "Oh you're broke, lazy and stupid? Sure, you can come live in New Zealand")

Yeah November! Let's roll!!!!

6:50 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Loving the new design, great work. Do you think it will always be this way?

10:57 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Looking forward to the DuFu!

8:52 AM  

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