Another Hate Lieberman DUmmie Thread

The DUmmies are going rabid again over Joe Lieberman over the fact that he will act to block the ObamaCare bill coming to the Senate. Rabid DUmmies are also FUnnie DUmmies as you can see in this THREAD, "It's Official: Lieberman going to Block Senate HCR Bill." Since I am currently busy preparing for my big Caribbean adventure this weekend on Culebra, I'll keep this intro short but sweet. This also means I probably won't be able to post another DUFU edition until I get back. Perhaps I will even regale you with how we were able to travel to Culebra and back for under a hundred bucks. Good info to know in this time of the Great Recession. So let us now watch the DUmmies scream once again at Lieberman in Bolshevik Red while the commentary of your humble correspondent, who is already dreaming of diving for lobster this weekend, is in the [brackets]:

It's Official: Lieberman going to Block Senate HCR Bill. Now on MSNBC

[Let the Hate Week celebrations begin!]

Andrea Mitchell is covering that Lieberman will officially block the bill.

It's a big ol' "F*ck You" to the poor and the sick.

And to all the DUers that would chime in and say "Good!", well f*ck you too.

[A big ol' FU to DU.]

it's time to break this little f*cker, and all the Republicans. That actually may be the best thing to come of this "reform" -- yet the Dems would have to either go "nuclear' and end the filibuster, or salvage what parts they can through reconciliation.

[Even reconciliation has no hope of salvaging your sanity.]

Strip him! Strip the bastard of everything he's got.

[Is that you, Ben Burch?]

If it doesn't pass this year it won't next year.

[WOO! HOO!]

Then we need to "block" HIS health care, paid for by we, the taxpayers, many of whom, like yours truly, are uninsured though we pay taxes to cover the cadillac health care of congress critters like Lieberasshole. Why the hell should he get cadillac health care paid for by the very people he's trying to deny care to????????????

[I don't really care what you think. My mind is on Culebra. So long for now, Dummies. I'll be diving for lobster and getting blasted on cerveza y ron this weekend.]

DUmmies going rabid over the Blue Dogs!

The DUmmies are going rabid, foaming at the mouth, over the Blue Dog Democrats spoiling their precious "public option"! And they lump Pelosi and even Obama in with the Blue Dogs! The DUmmies are all upset because the Pelosi Obamacare bill is not QUITE as full-blown socialist as they would like--even though it would go WAY far to the left.

And the dreaded Blue Dogs? Many of them have turned out to be nothing more than Nancy's neutered puppies. They have rolled over and played dead. Take, for example, erstwhile "Blue Dog" Rep. Earl Pomeroy (D-ND). He has finally come out in favor of the Pelosi bill. Some fierce Blue Dog he is! Rob Port of sayanythingblog.com has documented good ol' Earl's cave-in and has experienced Pomeroy's displeasure, as was chronicled by P.J. Gladnick (who?) over at NewsBusters. So in honor of Earl Pomeroy and the domesticated Blue Dogs, and to start today's festivities, let's all sing this musical tribute:



BLUE DOG EARL
Tune: "Duke of Earl"

Blue, Blue, Blue, Blue Dog Earl
Blue, Blue, Blue Dog Earl
Blue, Blue, Blue Dog Earl
Blue, Blue, Blue Dog Earl

Blue, Blue, Blue, Blue Dog Earl
Blue, Blue, Blue Dog Earl
Blue, Blue, Blue Dog Earl
Blue, Blue, Blue Dog Earl . . .

Of all the useless terms
Nothing can top the "Blue Dog" Earl
'Cause there, there is this girl
And Earl is her lap dog, oh, oh

Yes, Earl, Earl is Nancy's puppy, oh, oh
Pelosi's Pomeranian
Yes, he's her Lap Dog Earl
So yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

And, and Nancy told him:
"You'll be my lap dog, my Lap Dog Earl
You'll come when I call you
And a Porkulus we will share"

Yes, Earl, Earl is Nancy's puppy, oh, oh
Pelosi's Pomeranian
Yes, he's her Lap Dog Earl
So yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

Blue, Blue, Blue, Blue Dog Earl
Blue, Blue, Blue Dog Earl
Blue, Blue, Blue Dog Earl
Blue, Blue, Blue Dog Earl

Blue, Blue, Blue, Blue Dog Earl
Blue, Blue, Blue Dog Earl
Blue, Blue, Blue Dog Earl
Blue, Blue, Blue Dog Earl . . .

Yes, Earl, Earl is Nancy's puppy, oh, oh
Pelosi's Pomeranian
Yes, he's her Lap Dog Earl
So yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

Blue, Blue, Blue, Blue Dog Earl
Blue, Blue, Blue Dog Earl . . .

Well, even though Nancy's puppies are behaving, the DUmmies are going RABID over the Blue Dogs--AND Pelosi, AND Obama!--as seen in this THREAD, "The only possible way to get the Blue Dogs to do the right thing would be for Obama to take charge."

So make sure your rabies and distemper shots are up to date, and let us now watch the DUmmies go after the Blue Dogs, in Rabid Red, while the commentary of your humble guest correspondent, Charles Henrickson, the wag tailoring the doggerel, is in the [brackets]:

The only possible way to get the Blue Dogs to do the right thing would be for Obama to take charge . . .

[Obama take charge? That dog won't hunt!]

. . . for Obama to take charge and use his bully pulpit. . . .

[You mean Hal the Teleprompter?]

to make sure Reid and Pelosi get an open-enrollment PO through Congress.

["PO" = "public option," for those of you not familiar with DUmmiespeak.]

The evidence reveals Obama simply does not want to do that. . . . For all practical purposes, he's of the same mind as the Blue Dogs and the "New" Democrats on this issue.

[BO the Blue Dog.]

I'm beginning to believe that O is a blue corporate dog... :(

["Corporate" = "EEEEEEEEEVILLL!!!!"]

O's high-flying hopeful rhetoric and his actions are at odds with each other.

[Balloon Boy Barack has been hiding in the attic.]

Anyone that looks at Obama's record . . . could not in their right mind, accuse him of being a corporate blue dog. Thats just another excuse to be lazy when it comes to facing the political realities of the day.

[The "not blue dog" jumped all over the lazy DUmmie.]

The political realities of the day do not excuse him from campaigning as a Populist and governing as...CORPORATIST. WARNING if you lay down with Blue Cross Dogs you get up with Parasitic Capitalist fleas

[Stay outta the free-market flea market!]

People who accuse Obama of governing as a corporatist don't know what the word means.

[Yeah, but it SOUNDS so EEEEEEEEEVILLL!!!! "CORPORATIST!" Say it with a sneer and a snarl in your voice!]

Its obvious that you live in a fantasy world if you think any Dem. Pres. can MAKE the blue dogs do anything they don't want to do. Its unrealistic, period. . . . A lot of critical blathering while ignoring the really, real world.

[And DUmmieland is, above all, the Really Real Reality-Based Community®.]

The Blue Dogs just want to hang on to their seat. . . . I don't care how precarious their damn seats are. . . . Enough of the patty-cakes and kumbayas. . . .

[GET TOUGH, CREAM PUFF!]

The head of the Democratic Party can let the Blue Cross dogs know they will got no funds from the DSCC or the DCCC or the national party and no support in fund raising or campaigning if they don't support the party's platform. Oh I forgot that is what a LEADER would do. Never mind.

[C'mon, Barack! Be the pack leader! Get Cesar Millan on the phone!]

President Obama has become, IMO, a pensive corporatist and is merely going through the motions to make us peasants BELIEVE that the ruling elites truly give a damn about the average wage-slave American. Hint: They could care less. In fact, they joke about our gullibility during their high powered socials within the beltway. The ruling elite despise us but realize that they must present the well orchestrated Kabuki dance "dramas" with the M$M to keep us duped.

[DUmmie ShortnFiery, you win the Looney Left Cliché Post of the Day Award! Congratulations! "Their high-powered socials"! Great stuff!]

It appears OBAMA IS A blueDOG. . . .

[Bark Obowwow.]

We will have a public option

[I DO believe, I DO believe, I do I do I DO!]

a compromised po at best!!

[The DUmmies are PO'ed about the PO!!]

The pretense that single payer was currently viable is pure imagination and wishing.

[DUmmie TheKentuckian, for this brief moment of mental clarity, you win today's Kewpie Doll! Don't let it become a Blue Dog chew toy!]

Demoralized DUmmie: "I'm all out of outrage"

DEmoralized DUmmies are FUnnie DUmmies. Remember the Ramen Noodles DUmmie? Well, DUmmie Skidmore must be stocking up on Ramen Noodles bigtime considering his complete disappointment with Obama as you can see in his THREAD, "I'm all out of outrage." Yes, Barack Obama was elected last year with a huge majority in both houses of congress and STILL almost nothing positive has been done to help the economy. Only huge bailout bucks to the banks along with Porkulus with nothing to show for it except rising unemployment. As for healthcare, it looks like it will be stalled and possibly killed in the Senate. Even if passed, ObamaCare falls short of the beloved "single payer" (government run) health care that the DUmmies so desperately want. So let us now watch the DUmmies pour out their depressing frustration with The One in Bolshevik Red while the commentary of your humble correspondent, wondering where all those Obama halo pics from last year went, is in the [barackets]:

I'm all out of outrage.

[At least you're not all out of Ramen Noodles.]

Exhausted and feeling overwhelmed from the effort of trying to move mountains in an uncaring and, I'm coming to believe, undeserving world. SO buried in the detail of what needs to occur and what is occurring that I can no longer see either the forest or the trees and the world blends together in an amorphous grey mass. Beginnings and endings are illusions. I'm still one person among many one persons being cast aside by great forces and small, by friend and foe alike.

[Goodbye cruel world! You don't deserve me!]

I don't know about you, but I'm very rapidly losing the will to fight.

[Would it help if I made you TWO bowls of Ramen Noodles, shugums? And now on to the other demoralized DUmmies...]

With Obama as Prez and the Dems in control of everything, still being miserable and unhappy may mean it's personal, not political.

[Or mental.]

It actually hurts more to be betrayed by Obama and his do nothing Congress

[A once in the lifetime opportunity to get socialized medicine only to see it disappear due to incompetence. Wave bye-bye to that possibility even with an overwhelming majority in Congress.]

Sadly, I am one person stuck in a system that cares not a whit about myself and most others.

[You rank even less than the lint in my navel that I'm not staring at.]

You just need to recharge a bit.

[Just place your fingers on each electrode of this 1000 watt battery for that recharge.]

there has to be an alternative to the democrats. and all of us who can no longer stomach the cowardliness of the democrats, and the few remaining republicans with a shred of integrity (all 3 or 4 of them; if you still can stand to admit to being a republican, after the last eight years, you have no integrity), should move, en masse, to the new party.

[The Socialist Workers Party is recruiting.]

People out in the world are stressed to the max and getting meaner
and I'm finding it increasingly difficult to stick my head out the door when I need to go grocery shopping or do anything else.

[Perhaps you need to order out for the Ramen Noodles.]

I no longer turn on the TV, even for a little while. The people of this country have gotten too ugly and too self centered. Life has become horribly cheap to most of them. They see nothing outside of themselves. That in itself is causing me to lose hope.

[Give up...NOW!!!]

Those of us who practically spilled blood for Change and are told now to STFU while the President thanks NOT us, not Senator Wyden, not Rep. Weiner. No. He thanks Olympia Snowe! -- How else could we feel?

[What? And no thanks to Senator Lieberman? What ingratitude!]

I've worked in every presidential and most congressional elections since 1992. I don't expect so much as a thank you. But this?

[How about if Obama thanks you with a Ramen Noodles coupon?]

Lately I been giving a lot of thought to Michael Moore and his latest movie. I expected it to renew my convictions and refuel my will but the opposite happened. I am beginning to think that things are just too far gone and we are just doomed. The last line where he says that he is getting too tired to do this anymore almost sounded like an admission of defeat. The last couple of weeks I have been trying to find other more mundane things to occupy myself rather than the usual deep daily look into the pit of despair called humanity, it is just too depressing.

[The doctor prescribes an overdose of Prozac.]

But the whole healthcare reform has opened my eyes to one thing - it's a lot worse than anything I ever imagined. Our entire government has been penetrated by people who are either too cowed or corrupt to do the things that are necessary to protect the rights and interests of the American people. I think we have to start over and I don't just mean with healthcare or any other legislation.

[Bolshevik Revolution?]

I'm slowly coming to terms with the fact that my voice doesn't count for much when looking at the big picture. The only way I can cope is by tuning out. I've all but abandoned the corporate media, and don't even bother with Keith, Rachel, or Ed anymore.

[But please don't tell me that you've given up on Happy the Clown at the Funnie Farm.]

I don't post much anymore, except for an occasional comment or question. Most of the replies are just riddled with plain ugliness so it is not worth the effort. I miss interacting with some of those who were here at the beginning, when I joined. I know some of those who frequent now are here to sow dissent and to deceive. But then, again, I've found myself surprised that such venom could erupt here.

[Home? I have no home. Haunted... despised... living like an animal. The jungle is my home! But I will show the world that I can be its master. I shall perfect my own race of people... a race of atomic supermen that will conquer the world!]

KOmmies Go BERSERK Over Lieberman Promise To Filibuster

Angry KOmmies are FUn to watch! And in this case the KOmmies have gone absolutely BERSERK over the promise by Senator Joe Lieberman to filibuster the ObamaCare bill. That promise alone is enough to KILL ObamaCare in the senate but add to that the very high possibility of Ben Nelson, Evan Bayh, and perhaps a couple of other Democrats refusing to vote for cloture and that bill is DOA. If the bill is later changed to DUmp public option, then the "progressives" will filibuster it. Heads We win, tails you lose. And the fringe benefit is watching the KOmmies go into rage syndrome mode as you can see in this THREAD, "Lieberman Will Filibuster." So let us now watch the KOmmies work themselves into a Bolshevik Red rage while the commentary of your humble correspondent, reminding everybody that the KOmmies targeted Lieberman in 2006 with Lamont but still lost, is in the [brackets]:

Lieberman Will Filibuster

[DRAT! Foiled by a Muppet!!!]

Oh, you asshole.

Some of us knew it was coming (I didn't).

Pay him off. Do what you have to do. Or he better be out of the f*cking caucus and chairmanships.

[A KOmmie recommends bribery to pass ObamaCare. ...And now on to the other victims of KOmmie Rage Syndrome...]

he probably enjoyed pulling that football away after Reid had it teed up.

[Harry Reid is about as glum as Charlie Brown.]

Strip away all his senate perks, he will likely resign in disgrace, this is all about Lieberman after all, he cares nothing for the people in Connecticut.

[Can he still use the Senate bathroom or will he have to hold it in?]

In my opinion he doesnt give a fiddly f*ck about Americans.My loathing of this creepy crawler motherf*cker has no bounds.I hope we can punish him, but I dont know if there are any rules in place to do so.You cant strip his chairs though as we found out with Baucas.Chris Dodd needs to get nasty and quit calling him his friend, like he did after the election when he went to bat for this motherf*cker, calling him his friend, and seemingly saying that he didnt care if dems liked it or not.Now its time for the man who has also called Teddy his friend and took over his HCC chair to disown, in the nastiest way possible ,his fellow Senator from Conn.That would be a shocking thing to see.

[So should Dodd call Countrywide his friend?]

I'm tired of this crap where Obama is playing hands off and leaving all the hard work to Reid. Lieberman owes Obama, therefore it's Obama's job to keep him in line.

[Hey! Obama needs to be well rested for his arugula breaks aboard Air Force One.]

Have Rahm Emmanuel slap the sh*t out of him until he wises up. This is the sort of thing Obama keeps Rahm around for.

[The Chicago Way.]

he's f*cking democrats. and he knows it. they all do.

[So sit back and enjoy...then smoke a cigarette afterwards.]

F*CK HIM: NO MERCY: MUST BE REMOVED FROM ALL ALL POSITIONS... THERE IS ABSOLUTELY NO F*CKING EXCUSE FOR THIS. EXCUSE MY FRENCH BUT THIS IS NOT ACCEPTABLE... AND THERE IS NO EXCUSE AND OBAMA SHOULD NOT BE EXCUSING HIM.. LET'S DONATE ALL TO HIS CHALLENGER. AND PLEASE DO A WHIP COUNT OF SENATORS WILLING TO TAKE AWAY HIS CHAIRMANSHIP. WHILE WERE AT IT LETS GET RID OF THE FILIBUSTER!!!! THIS IS SO UNEXCUSABLE. EVERYTHING I MEAN EVERYTHING WE HAVE WORKED FOR IS BEING SABOTAGED BY LIEBERMAN. NOOOOO EXCUSE.

[ALL THAT I AM IS BEING DESTROYED BY JOE LIEBERMAN!!!!]

I wish we could hypnotize Reid into thinking he was Lyndon Johnson for a day.

[You want Harry scratching his crotch, urinating in sinks, and boffing Doris Kearns Goodwin?]

I am screaming with rage right now. That mothereffer.

[Sorry. No known cure for KOmmie Rage Syndrome.]

Take the public option out now, or do whatever needs to be done to get to 60, and then once it goes to conference stick it back in, and then tell Joe Lieberman to go f*ck himself and jump off a bridge.

[That might be what gloomy Harry has in mind.]

my anger is undescribable right now

[Lean back, accept the chloroform hankie, and wake up next year on the other side of the pain.]

No wiggle room in Lieberman's statement. Lieberman clearly has no qualms about making himself the person single-handedly responsible for stopping Obama's health care reform efforts in their tracks.

[Go Joe, GO!!!]

The gasbag has landed! "Baloney Boy" Pitt back from the honeymoon

The gasbag has landed! No, not the good ship Jiffy Pop. No, I'm talking about "Baloney Boy" Will Pitt. Mr. Pitt has just gotten back from his honeymoon! Our Little Willie is now a married man! WOOOO HOOOO!!!!! Congrats, Will! We here at DUmmie FUnnies are very happy for you and your bride, and we wish you all the best. I'm series. If I could, I would buy you a beer at Bukowski's and raise a toast in your honor. Li'l Beaver would give you a cigar. We may have our political differences--oh, kind of like the difference between night and day--but on a personal level, we bear you no ill will . . . Will. We kid because we love.

So several threads to get to. A couple weeks ago, Will previewed his wedding in this THREAD, "So I'm getting married this weekend...." Then, a few days after the October 11 wedding, he posted this THREAD, "...so I have some wedding photos here...." Yes, follow that link and you will see actual photos from the actual wedding! Now finally Will reports that he has returned from the seclusion of his honeymoon and is back on the job (whatever that is, exactly), in this THREAD, "Catching Up With The Crazy."

And away we go! The words of Will and his well-wishers are in Blushing Bridegroom Red, while the commentary of your humble guest correspondent, Charles Henrickson, somewhat miffed that Will didn't ask me to perform the wedding, is in the [brackets]:

So I'm getting married this weekend...

[Will wonders never cease!]

Picking up my Best Man at the airport in an hour.

[The best man is a luggage handler.]

Heading to rural New Hampshire tomorrow morning. Rehearsal and rehearsal dinner tomorrow evening; dinner, btw, will be at my mom's house (DUer Raven for the uninitiated). . . .

[Will's having a hard time leaving the Raven's nest.]

Wedding on Sunday here:

[So I follow the LINK, and there's a pic of the church. But, lo and behold, the URL identifies it as "Nelson Congregational Church." It's a congregation of the United Church of Christ! But I thought Pitt was Roman Catholic! And the UCC is a very liberal mainline Protestant denomination! And the pastor is actually a pastorette! "Rev." Dawn E. Garrett-Larsen! Wha' hoppen, Will??? I know the RCs don't go for female impastors! Didn't you just recently say, when Teddy Kennedy died, that you were a "Kennedy Catholic"?? Oh, wait, now I get it. Teddy wasn't too true to Catholic teaching, either.]

Reception here:

[No, it's not Bukowski's, silly!]

Wish me luck.

[I think we should wish the BRIDE luck! Now to the DUmmie well-wishers . . .]

Must be a bye week for the Pats. . . .

[And a buy week for the Pitts.]

Please don't let this interfere with your major contributions to our community.

[You are a great boon to us insomnia sufferers!]

congrats and much happiness to you and Raven.

[Uh, Raven is Pitt's MOTHER!]

Note to Raven: Not losing a son, gaining a son-wrangler?

[The Bondage of the Will.]

DOES THAT MEAN I HAVE TO STOP STALKING YOU????

[Is that you, benburch?]

*hugs*

[*drugs*]

Best Wishes! Are you taking her name?

[No, but the husband of "Rev." Dawn E. Garrett-Larsen really did take HER name, which is on one side of that hyphen there. Yes, the "Rev." Garrett-Larsen is that rare bird, a NON-lesbian female minister. Speaking of birds, DUmmie Raven (Pitt's mom) checks in . . .]

He's getting married and I'm getting a daughter. . . . Will's Cailen is a GIFT, a wonderful, wonderful Gift.

[Well, that's sweet. I mean it. No joke here. . . . OK, after that brief interlude, now back to the jokes . . .]

May the road rise to meet you. . . .

[Usually the floor rises to meet Will.]

Love is grand! --asdjrocky

[Love Is Blue --Paul Mauriat]

Don't regale the guests with too many stories, Will Pitt.

[Asleep at the Will.]

We were married in NH, August '02, with a pig on the fire and kegs on ice - ya can't beat the Karma!

[The pig would probably disagree.]

Good luck and Darwin Bless

[The Survival of the Pittest.]

Are you William Pitt the Younger or the Elder?

[He's William Pitt the Balder.]

I heard once that two printer color inkjet cartridges got married. A short time later the bride said excitedly to her groom, "Darling, I think I'm pigment."

[That was the beginning of the Cartridge Family.]

I hope it's fantastic, the weather is perfect, and you're not so drunk that you pass out before it's over.

[This man knows his Pitt. . . . Next thread, after the nuptials . . .]

...so I have some wedding photos here...

[The new Mrs. Pitt looks quite lovely. How'd you manage that, Will?? I guess the old saying holds true: There's a lid for every pot--and Pitt!]

The deal goes down

[Pitt refers to this PHOTO, with a good view of the best man/luggage handler, the bald bridegroom, the tattooed bride, and the pastorette with the funky stole. Now to the DUmmies . . .]

Who is the bald dude?

[Pitt, in an altared state.]

Enjoy your time off the planet, sweetie...

[Off to Planet Pitt!]

Looks like one god-damned, liberal-assed affair if you ask me!

[The Day When Everything Finally Changed!]

Love the color of those bridesmaid's gowns!

[Bolshevik Red was a nice touch.]

Now let your hair grow back!

[Pitt's almost 38 now. More likely hair's going to grow ON his back.]

Will ??? - What Did You Do With Your Hair ???

[It's sealed in an envelope in Washington, D.C.]

Is this some sort of Sampson and Delilah thing???

[It's more like a Homer Simpson thing.]

Congratulations! . . . from someone who has admired your writing for so long.

[So YOU'RE the one!]

I'm sure your better half is very intelligent and will help keep your feet on the ground.

[That's always a challenge with Will.]

Didn't we tell you not to get married at the Temple of Manos, Hands of Fate?

[I now pronounce you Manos and Wife.]

dude , where is you hair ?

[Inquiring minds want to know.]

Does she know you have the power to move people with words?

[They tend to move away quickly.]

Mr. Pitt, any president who is not paying you to write speeches is not using America's best talent.

[Will the Shill blew any chance of a paying political job on May 12, 2006, the day of Rove's "indictment."]

There is something a-shimmering in you.

[That's one way to put it.]

Do I see a female clergy officiant? Hoot Hoot!

[Yep, Will Pitt, the loyal "Kennedy Catholic," got hitched in a UCC church by a female impastor. . . . Now for a little bit of Will's back-from-the-honeymoon thread . . .]

So, I got married two weekends ago, and spent all of last week honeymooning with my wife in front of a stone fireplace. . . .

[Better in front of a stone fireplace than in front of a fireplace stoned.]

in a tiny cabin by a tiny lake in the woods of New Hampshire.

[A cabin in the woods of New Hampshire? Hmmm, sounds familiar. . . . Nahh, couldn't be! Not on a man's honeymoon!]

No cell phone reception; no TV channels because the tube was still hooked up to an analog antenna on the roof that looked to have been there since the Truman administration. . . .

[D*mn Republicans! Maybe Obama can get us universal cable.]

Coming home, in retrospect, may have been an egregious tactical error. . . . One hour of television news . . . made me want to pile back into the car and race back to that cabin. . . . "Balloon Boy"? Seriously?

[Kid already can puke like the Pittster. . . . Finally, let's go to the comments, to this one in particular . . .]

How dare you cast asperations on that little cabin!!!! It's a gem on a golden pond.

[It's DUmmie Raven, AKA Mother Pitt! Yes, it's true! William Rivers Pitt, nearly 38 years old, took his bride, on their honeymoon, TO STAY WITH HIS MOTHER IN HER CABIN IN THE WOODS!!!]

Norman! The loons!

[William! The loons!]

The Reality Zone

(Richard Heene, father of Balloon Boy Falcon, is sitting in his backyard with his head in his hands. Falcon walks up to him and Heene looks up sadly.)

BALLOON DAD: Why Falcon? Why did you tell Wolf Blitzer on live TV that I told you to hide in the attic for the show?

BALLOON BOY: Because that is what you did tell me, Dad.

BALLOON DAD: But that was the real reality we must never talk about. What counts is TV reality. And now I can never return to TV reality shows like "Wife Swap." My credibility was blown and I am now facing jail time plus big fines because of my TV reality stunt.

(Heeney buries his face into his hands again. Falcon throws up on him and walks away as Rod Serling walks into the scene.)

ROD SERLING: Meet Richard Heeney, father of Balloon Boy. He is a fraud looking for a reality but only the reality that exists on television. Heeney doesn't know it yet but he is about to have a close encounter with...The Reality Zone.

(Heeney's head is still buried in his hands. Suddenly a high-pitch whine is heard. Heeney looks up and sees what looks to be his infamous helium balloon up in the sky. The balloon lowers but apparently it is a solid flying saucer which lands in Heene's yard. A hatch door opens and out floats a half dozen balloons that look just like miniature versions of his helium balloon. One of the balloons starts glowing on and off and a voice from it can be heard.)

GLOWING BALLOON: Greetings earthling! We are from the planet Zandax to deliver an urgent message to earth.

BALLOON DAD: Huh! You really are extraterrestrials! I can't believe it.

GLOWING BALLOON: You better believe it, earthling, because we are here to tell you how your planet can avoid being destroyed by a solar flare in your earth year of 2012.

BALLOON DAD: The Mayan prediction was right! I was right! I'm gonna call all the news outlets right now. Don't go away, guys! I need you to restore my credibility.

GLOWING BALLOON: We will return in exactly 24 earth hours. You are hereby appointed as our representative to earth. Inform all to be here in one day to hear our message.

(The balloon aliens float back into the flying saucer and it takes off into the sky. Next we see Balloon Dad hours later furiously yelling into his cell phone.)

BALLOON DAD: Yes, CNN, I know I caused that balloon hoax but this is no hoax. A flying saucer shaped just like my helium balloon landed in my backyard and a bunch of extraterrestrials shaped just like little helium balloons told me they would return tomorrow with an important message. Please! YOU'VE GOT TO BELIEVE ME! THIS IS THE REAL DEAL!

(Hours later and an even more frantic Heene is working the phone.)

BALLOON DAD: Hello, Wife Swap? I've got an idea for the best show you ever had. My wife swaps places with the wife of an alien from the Planet Zandax. No, I'm not on meds! Hello? Wife Swap are you there? Hello? Hello? ...It's no use. No news outlet believes a thing I tell them. Not even the Reality shows. Okay, time for Plan B. In order to get them to appear here I'll call them back and tell them I will make a full confession right here tomorrow on TV. It will be at the exact same time as when the space aliens are scheduled to return.

(The next day. News crews fill Heene's backyard.)

BALLOON DAD: Ladies and gentlemen of the press. I know I told you I would make a full confession today. Okay, I was flat out lying when I said that I didn't know where Falcon was when the helium balloon was in the air. In fact, I did tell him to hide in the attic for the show because I was desperate to become a Reality TV star. However, the really big news today is that a flying saucer, shaped like my helium balloon, landed right here yesterday and space aliens that looked just like little helium balloons from the planet Zandax told me they would return today to tell us how we can avoid being destroyed by a solar flare in the year 2012.

(A collective groan is heard from the press.)

BALLOON DAD: I don't blame you for being skeptical in view of the fraud I perpetrated but I assure you this is the real deal. Your attitude towards me will change from utter disgust to one of awe and admiration.

(Heene looks at his watch.)

BALLOON DAD: And now the helium balloon shaped aliens from the Planet Zandax will appear in 10 seconds. 9... 8... 7... 6... 5... 4... 3... 2... 1...

(A few more seconds tick by. Nothing happens.)

VOICE FROM THE PRESS: Heene, you're sick! Get help, man!

BALLOON DAD: But...but the space aliens said they would return!

ANOTHER VOICE: You're dangerous and delusional! Let's get the hell out of here!

(The assembled press begins to leave the yard.)

BALLOON DAD: NO! WAIT! COME BACK! I SWEAR TO YOU HELIUM BALLOON ALIENS WERE HERE! THIS TIME I'M NOT KIDDING! PLEASE COME BACK!!!

(We see this scene being played out on a big screen TV. In front of the TV are green extraterrestrials with small antennas on their heads wearing T-shirts and reclining on a big couch while they are in the middle of a laughing fit. Behind them helium balloon shaped aliens dissolve and re-materialize as the green aliens. They are also laughing loudly. Richard Heene is continuing to scream about space aliens from the planet Zandax on the television screen which makes all of them laugh even louder. One of the aliens hands a can of beer to his companion.)

SPACE ALIEN #1: BWAHAHAHAHA!!! One of the best shows yet. Hee! Hee! HEE!

SPACE ALIEN #2: Ha! Ha! Ha! Wait until you see next week's show. It's even funnier.

SPACE ALIEN #1: Really?

SPACE ALIEN #2: Yeah. We found another earthling by the name of William Rivers Pitt. He was the guy who perpetrated a fraud several earth years ago by claiming that Karl Rove had been indicted on May 12, 2006. Then when the indictment didn't happen, he said it would happen in just 24 business hours. He is still waiting.

SPACE ALIEN #1: So what did the writers come up with?

SPACE ALIEN #2: We told Pitt that we will be returning to earth in 24 business hours to arrest George W. Bush and deliver him to the planet Hague to try him for war crimes.

SPACE ALIEN # 1: 24 business hours?

SPACE ALIEN #2: Yeah, we convinced him he has to tell the press "24 business hours" because that will be the secret phrase we will be listening for to set the process in motion.

SPACE ALIEN #1 (doubled up with laughter): HOO! HOO! HEE! HEE! Our comedy writers are the best! THE BEST!!!

(Rod Serling walks into the room. Behind him the space aliens are laughing uncontrollably at a frantic Richard Heene who is still yelling on the big screen TV.)

ROD SERLING: These are the intergalactic pranksters. They travel the universe looking for victims fraudulently trying to get on the fast lane to fame by faking reality yet end up on the off-ramp to oblivion as the butt of the joke in...The Reality Zone.

- - - - -

BONUS PARODY!
By Charles Henrickson, the wag tailoring the doggerel



ON THE GOOD SHIP JIFFY POP
Tune: "On the Good Ship Lollipop"

You had your wife and boys
Helping on your balloon
Then it comes loose, deploys
That fateful afternoon

Soon it began to fly
You said your son's inside
When it came down, what we found
Was that Daddy lied . . .

On the good ship Jiffy Pop
Just a loose lip made your flight a flop
When Falcon slipped
And departed from the prearranged script

Cable news crews everywhere
More and more clues fill the air
And there you are
Heene standing at a criminal bar

You were on "Wife Swap," but you couldn't stop
You just had to get back on TV
So your kid did--ooh ooh
Just a fluke that he had to puke

Make a new ship Jiffy Pop
Use a foil strip from the prison shop
And sail away
On the good ship Jiffy Pop

"Up, Up on the Screen (In My Helium Balloon)"

I know, I know, you're asking, "What about the Pitt wedding DUFU?" Well, before we get to the gasbag that got hitched, first we need to deal with a gasbag that got UN-hitched! I refer, of course, to the Balloon Boy saga, and the DUmmies' reaction to the story.

But before we hear from the DUmmies, let's join the Heene Family Singers in singing one of their favorite Ballooney Tunes:

UP, UP ON THE SCREEN (IN MY HELIUM BALLOON)
Tune: "Up, Up and Away (In My Beautiful Balloon)" Original

Would you like to hide in my helium balloon
Would you ride untied in my helium balloon
We'll be famous like the stars on TV, you and I
For we can lie, we can lie

Up, up on the screen
In my helium, my helium balloon

It's just a little game in my helium balloon
It's fortune and it's fame in my helium balloon
We can sign a deal and keep it real--no, we're not shy
For we can lie, we can lie

Up, up on the screen
In my helium, my helium balloon

It's splendid knowing the spotlight shines on you
We'll use our kids when the networks show up
If by some chance we face a tough interview
We'll find a bag to blow up
We'll start to gag and throw up

Fame is waiting there in my helium balloon
Soon we're on the air in my helium balloon
If you'll hold your tongue we'll send our young across the sky
For we can lie, we can lie

Up, up on the screen
In my helium, my helium balloon
Balloon . . .
Up, up on the screen . . .

Now to the DUmmies. The Reality-Based Community® takes on the Reality-Show Family® in this THREAD and this THREAD and this THREAD. So now let us crawl in the basket and float off to DUmmieland to get their reactions, in Balloonshevik Red, while the commentary of your humble guest correspondent, Charles Henrickson, the wag tailoring the doggerel, is in the [brackets]:

all you balloon posters... you are the reason the news is filled with crap...you eat this stupid stuff up.

[So what does this DUmmie do? Post another thread about Balloon Boy.]

An Unrec for yelling at people who give a damn about a little boy

[But a Kick & a Rec for maintaining DUmmieland standards of intramural fighting.]

Math and physics told me (and many others) that this was BS from the get-go.

[Had to throw in the parenthetical "(and many others)" so as not to look as attention-craved as Richard Heene.]

I'm hoping that science teachers everywhere will take the opportunity tomorrow to teach a little bit of physics to their students. Maybe some good will come of it after all?

[More funding for science teachers! Politicize my flight! No child left behind in the attic!]

Baloon! Wow! Ooh, shiny baloon! Whee! Boy in shiny baloon!

[Spheroidenshiny, baby!]

More interesting than a car chase

[Is that you, Al Cowlings?]

millions of small children are in danger. . . .

[Keep your eyes to the skies!]

YAY! I love masturbatory indignation!

[My favorite group!]

Punch yourself in the face.

[Love, love, love. . . .]

SHAME ON YOU DU! SHAME! SHAME! SHAME! SHAME! You shamed yet, DU?

[I detect a note of sarcasm.]

Who's the president? Balloon?

[Gasbag. Now on to Thread #2 . . .]

Balloon Boy: Is Mainstream Media Purposely Distracting Us?

[Yes. It's all a Corporate Media Plot. Humans have never been interested in human-interest stories before.]

It works well, even here at DU where the boards were full of threads about the balloon boy. We complain about MSM distractions and then follow right along like good sheeple.

[We should only talk about the public option and Afghanistan and sending Bush to The Hague.]

Did anyone notice the stars and strips shirt that the sheriff was wearing yesterday when he said that charges would be fired.

[Did you notice you said "stars and strips" and "charges would be fired" and ended a question with a period?]

A standard weather balloon that's about 2 meters in diameter can just barely lift 3 kg. . . .

[Speak English, buddy. None of this metric Euro-commie crap.]

Anyone with half a brain could have determined that the kid wasn't in the balloon after 10 seconds of video.

[If only we were as smart as you! Please forgive us, Mr. Science! Now on to Thread #3 . . .]

County sheriff in Colorado says "balloon boy" incident was a "hoax" and a "publicity stunt."

["County sheriff": Boo! Hiss! It's the Man, holding us down! Power to the People!]

The Jiffy Pop look a like balloon could not support the boy's weight.

[If he hadn't eaten all that Jiffy Pop, he wouldn't be such a tubbo.]

somehow the Heene's will make money from this hoax.

[Smart. Must be related to Bobby "The Brain" Heenan.]

they will be on Larry King soon

[Maybe they can do us all a favor and put Lar in a balloon and float him off to Sun City.]

Fox news & the teabaggers will blame Obama for this.

[So let's blame Bush!]

A Richard Heene, Joe the Plumber, & Octomom Charity Softball Game might raise a lot of money and partially redeem these scumbags.

[Octomom could field her own team.]

What about Palin?

[Palin is the new Bush. Somehow she must be responsible.]

Hang their f*cking asses.

[Hang the Heenes' heinies!]

They launched the thing during President Obama's speech

[All the more reason!]

Obama is not as important to the media as are fake flying balloons

[Fake but accurate.]

the media played you?

[Hey, you fell for Obama, didn't you?]

You guys still haven't firgured this out yet? very disappointing, makes me sad. See if you can follow this: Do the simple physics. Do the simple math. Do a simple observation. Figured it out yet? Okay- a little clue: Ever had a HELIUM BALLOON as a kid? Ever tried to lift something with it heavier than an ounce or so? Figured it out yet? Clue #2: Figure the VOLUME of the Balloon. Roughly 15 feet in diameter, 3-5 feet thick at the center, tapering to the sides. Use the formula for the volume of an ellipsoid (you can find that using Google.) Depending on how generous you want to be with the height and radius values the volume comes out to be between 200 to 300 cubic feet of helium. Got it yet? How much does a 6 year old boy WEIGH? Answer: normally 40 something pounds. Got it?

[No, but you get the Patronizing Pedantic Post of the Day Award.]

1 cubic foot of helium can lift .067 pounds (you can check that value using Google.) A 200 to 300 cubic foot helium balloon can lift no more than 20 pounds.

[What . . . is the air-speed velocity of an unladen helium balloon?]

What a freakin' dumbed down country we have become.

[Exhibit A: DUmmieland.]

Can you imagine what the great thinkers of the Renaissance would say about us? We're like retarded monkeys. . . .

[Bunch of balloon baboons.]

This is not a violent crime, whatever it is. It deserves a formal rebuke but not time in the pen. I'd rather see Dick Cheney there!

[Balloongate, the new Gitmo!]

I am not convinced this was a hoax yet.

[Hey, I've got a Bridge to Nowhere you might like to buy!]

They'll get a trial like anyone else.

[And a trial balloon, beside.]

Why is locking people up so desirous to so many?

[Ask the people who want to send Bush and Cheney to The Hague.]

Believe it or not, prison actually has a deterrent effect.

[LOUSY FREEPER TROLL!!!]

I think it was staged. Coreographed. But I'm assuming, and that's kind of lame on my part. But that's what the little voice in my head said.

[Those little voices in your head have been coming back again, eh?]

PLEASE ACCOUNT FOR THE WIND...i don't know the climate but the balloon had a very large surface area--- like a parachute... and not being familiar with the Wizard Of Oz, i don't know if a balloon as defined in many of these replies ASSISTED BY STRONG WINDS could have lifted or carried a small child. i have seen parachutists carried miles sideways by the wind WHILE SCIENCE would tell us they should be falling at some specific rate

[ACCOUNT FOR THE WIND, PEOPLE! PARACHUTISTS, SIDEWAYS, FOR MILES!!]

knocking off the President of the USA from live coverage to show what amounts to one of the biggest farces of the decade, since the US Supreme Court declared Bush a winner in 2000?

[I've got it! The man behind the balloon! No, not Richard Heene. He's just a mind-controlled pawn in this drama. No, the man behind this MUST be none other than . . . KARL ROVE, of course! Think about it! Yes, it's Krazy Karl's Weather Balloon! Devilishly brilliant, the perfect Rovian touch!]