Monday, November 29, 2010

William Rivers Pitt BRIEFLY Quits Smoking

William Rivers Pitt has vowed to quit smoking. Since he made this pledge yesterday in this THREAD, "I. Am. Trying. To. Quit. Smoking." it means he has probably already relapsed and is sucking up the cancer fumes like a hungry vacuum. Pitt's unhealthy smoking habits have already been the subject of a DUFU EDITION last year when it was noticed that his vocal chords are being eaten away by nicotine which will most likely lead to a hole in the throat operation. You can HEAR just how deteriorated Pitt's throat was which was so raspy back then that I figure that by now he is only about a thousand packs away from getting that hole in his throat. Since Pitt smokes at least 3 packs per day, that gives him only another year until his date with that throat hole. The good news for Pitt, is that after his operation, he will have a "hole" new career as a SINGING COWBOY. So let us now watch Pitt as he desperately tries to quit tobacco in Bolshevik Red while the commentary of your humble correspondent, whose lungs remain as pinkly pure as that of an innocent Mormon, is in the [brackets]:

I. Am. Trying. To. Quit. Smoking.

[You. Have. Already. Relapsed.]

After. 20. Years.

[So despite ALL the warnings on every pack of cigarettes you JUST NOW have decided to quit smoking after all these years? What caused the need to quit? Hearing the sound of your own voice which have been eaten away by cancerous fumes?]

I. Am. Officially. An. Insane. Person. Now.

[You. Were. Officially. Insane. Long. Ago.]

Need. Lounge. Vibes. Desperately.

[Let's drop the pretenses. You need a CANCER STICK right now! Light 'er up and suck down those unhealthy fumes! Inhale deeply and hold it in your lungs until the smoke permeates every last pore.]

Must. Now. Go. Outside. And. Gnaw. Down. Trees. Like. A. Beaver.

[Like. A. Li'l. Beaver.]

Argh. Argh. Argh. Argh. Argh. Argh. Argh.

[We pause now as Pitt coughs up cancerous phlegm which drools down his shirt.]

(and the weirdest part is that I'm coughing now more than I ever did when I smoked...and you don't want to know what I'm coughing up...bleh...)

[Let me guess. Chunks of diseased lungs?]

(...sorry, TMI...)


[Bleh! Heh! Heh! Heh! And now to the rest of the DUmmies...]

Patch - cheap one at the grocery store. I have made two more attempts this month. This weekend I had 3 smokes from Thursday to this morning. The patch works. You do have to get over the "Taking a break" aspect of smoking and the dreams you have if you wear it at night can be beyond VIVID. I am having some today and then quitting tomorrow for good.

[So 3 tries this month and you relapsed 3 times in your latest attempt just since Thursday. Not exactly a great track record there yet you somehow think you will quit for good tomorrow. I smell RELAPSE here for sure.]

There is always the substitution method. Exercise, heroin, crack...weed, shock therapy, hypnosis, acupuncture, bungee jumping, running, tabata, etcetera.

[Pitt can do the weed, heroin and crack part for sure.]

I quit 15 years ago but I had help. I think it's called Chantix now.

[Are you sure it isn't called Crack now?]

Chantrix scares me. My friend's brother is an airline pilot, and the FAA banned the stuff for any working pilots. If you have even a whiff of a psychological imbalance, that stuff has the potential to send you pinwheeling.

[Which means you would be pinwheeling up the walls, Pitt, and screaming about the rise of the Third American Empire.]

You can do it! You will cough up horrible stuff for many days, but you will get through.

[Pitt coughs up horrible stuff whenever he posts his overlong TruthOut columns.]

Best of luck! You will thank yourself in 20 years when you are still alive and breathing!

[...Through your throat hole.]

good luck -- it's not easy but if you make it -- oy -- will you have something to crow about. -- it's a big deal.

[Pitt had more than his share of crow to eat following May 12, 2006.]

The last cigarette I had was...Sept. 13, 2010, haven't had one since. I know, I know I'm a newbie, but I figured I'd tell you what helped me. Pretzel rods,

[Chewing on Pretzel rods? Is that you Ben Burch?]

On a side note, quitting pot is much easier, so maybe switch to that for awhile.

[And if that doesn't work, maybe switch to crack.]

My goddaughter made it a day and a half until this afternoon before getting another pack.

[She probably beat Pitt's endurance record.]

Good luck, Will. Quit on Inauguration Day after 15 years of smoking.

[Ironically the Inauguration Day of a president who CAN'T quit smoking.]


Anonymous Elrond Hubbard said...


I. Am. Officially. Sick. Of. Pitt. Posts.

6:13 PM  
Anonymous troglaman said...

"William Rivers Pitt BRIEFLY Quits Smoking" PJinc

Do you actually think, PJinc, that anyone cares?

Yes, you obviously do.

That means you're sort of nuts.

You'd of course be skeptical of anything proclaimed by a liberal. But I'm trying to do you a favor.

Count the number of comments attributed to your Pitt posts compared to everything else. Just do it.

I suspect you all ready know this.

Know what would really wake everybody up? The 'Why'. Tell us what happened, PJinc. Why is he such a big pea under your little mattress?

Tell us. It'd be a 'coming out from behind the curtain" kind of moment. Human. Much anticipated. Everyone here knows you have a hair up your ass. What do you have to lose?

12:30 AM  
Anonymous Jerome Goolsby said...

The reason PJ keeps bring up Pitt is two-fold, Guttersnipe, and despite the fact you'll power-slam your head up your ass rather than deal with it, this is the answer:

(1) Most of the Moonbat/Troglaman Clones on DU have Pitt as one of their three "superstars" along with Russ Feingold and Alan Grayson. So Pitt's foibles and rants merit the attention they get here.

(2) Pitt is YOU, Guttersnipe, only in a more polite version. Pitt's thinking process is just like yours; his level of comprehension of the real world is just like yours; and he has the same egotistical outlook on his own worth that you do. So, Pitt is a nicer version of you, Guttersnipe, something you're too stupid and too deliberately ignorant to accept.

That's your answer, Guttersnipe. Whether you accept it or not is immaterial.

2:05 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm not sure why someone trying to quit smoking is worth mocking. Lots of people, including myself, got hooked on nicotine. It's a bitch to quit.

3:47 PM  
Anonymous DumbAss Tanker said...

The reason Pitt is worthy of mockery is due to his Pittocentric theory of the universe. One who stands on tables to scream "Look at meeeeeeee!!!" should not be surprised when others do indeed look at them, and then relate what they see.

5:45 PM  
Blogger Lazarus Long said...

"Do you actually think, PJinc, that anyone cares?"

Do you actually think that anyone here gives a flying fuck what you think?

Or so-called "think".

5:57 PM  
Anonymous Kirk Johnson said...

<< I'm not sure why someone trying to quit smoking is worth mocking. Lots of people, including myself, got hooked on nicotine. It's a bitch to quit. >>

Pitt could write a post entitled "Walking to the Mailbox..." and it would be worthy of mockery. That don't mean PJ & Co. are mocking the act of going to one's mailbox, rather the self-important manner in which WRP would go about it.

Put another way, it's similar to how The Three Stooges or Beavis & Butthead could liven up any drab, routine event by merely showing up and being themselves.

1:52 AM  
Anonymous troglaman said...

"The reason PJ keeps bring up Pitt is two-fold, Guttersnipe, and despite the fact you'll power-slam your head up your ass rather than deal with it, this is the answer:" jackhammer

Really? You know the reasons PJinc is fixated with Pitt? Even after the exhaustive experience of imagining me, troglaman, power-slamming my head up my ass? A testament to your strength and fortitude, jackhammer. Bravo.

The problem is you have absolutely no idea why PJinc is fixated with Pitt. You're just making shit up again. You're pretending to know.

But I could be wrong. Let's settle it, if you don't mind.

You say the reasons PJinc posts about Pitt are...

- "Most of the Moonbat/Troglaman Clones on DU have Pitt as one of their three "superstars" jackhammer

Did PJinc secretly tell you this bothered him? Has he ever written anything anywhere that would support this claim? The Moonbat/Troglaman Coalition's worship of Pitt as a superstar?

Remember, you're saying this is important to him. You're saying this is what he's thinking about.

(You're full of shit)

- "Pitt is YOU, Guttersnipe" jackhammer

I see. PJinc is haunted by the creepy fact that the mighty Pitt has now become the mighty troglaman, or something like that.

I don't recall PJinc ever saying anything like that, jerry.

(That makes you doubly full of shit)

Maybe you could ummm...quote him. If he didn't say it (which he didn't), then you've once again sought comfort in The Land of Mighty Troglamatics Who Slam Their Heads Up Their Ass, which, by the way, sounds like a wonderfully magical place.

Maybe you need to go there more often.

2:16 AM  
Anonymous troglaman said...

You can thank me later, elrond.

2:20 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I saw Pitt's scary white legs and promptly started smoking. I need something to get that image out of my mind.

9:46 AM  
Anonymous Elrond Hubbard said...

"You can thank me later, elrond."

I'm just standing here on the sidelines watching you take the flak.

5:56 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Perhaps Pitt should try an e-cigarette. All the nicotine, available in various flavors, and none of the carcinogens of burning tobacco. Plus, since it isn't "smoking", you can use it where smoking is prohibited.

I'd post a reply at his original thread, but I refuse to post anywhere that requires a login (I never volunteer to sign up for spam).

12:06 AM  
Anonymous troglaman said...

"I'm just standing here on the sidelines watching you take the flak." elrond

I know! Friggin pussy.

2:04 AM  

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