Monday, May 31, 2010

DUmmies try to fix the oil leak!

Some of the DUmmies must think they are "Brains" from the Thunderbirds. These rocket scientists are coming up with ingenious ways to fix the Gulf oil leak that I'm sure no one has ever thought of before. Witness this THREAD, "Why couldn't they make a 3 inch thick iron plate about 1 meter squared. Then. . . ."

So let's all head out to Tracy Island, aka DUmmieland, where Brains is working into the wee hours of the night, coming up with workable solutions, in Rocket Scientist Red, while the commentary of your humble guest correspondent, Charles Henrickson, is in the [brackets], as we all count down: 5 . . . 4 . . . 3 . . . 2 . . . 1 . . . DUnderheads are GO!

Why couldn't they make a 3 inch thick iron plate about 1 meter squared

[First of all, Brains, you don't have an iron plate "3 inch thick" and "1 meter squared." Which is it, "inches"--good, solid, American--or "meters," you Euro-wannabe pseudo-scientist??]

Then cut a whole into the bedrock right up to the oil well hole . . .

[The whole hole?]

. . . and slip the metal plate across.

[Hey, great idea! I bet you're the first to come up with that! Grab your wetsuit and we'll send you down there and you can slip that puppy right across there and save everybody a lot of trouble! Next stop, Oprah!]

The metal plate would then be kept in place by the weight of the bedrock above. Better yet the bedrock would collapse on itself making it even more secure.


Works for me.

[OK, that's a plan then. Call Obama.]

the bedrock would have to be very thick

[Like your head.]

Your assets are gravity, rope and a few fragile robots. Good luck.

[Call MacGyver.]

no seal and there are likely other weak spots on the pipe that will fail.

[Sealed vs. Unsealed.]

This calls for some type of Laser.


Powerful laser + turbid water = steam = nada....

[Laser = loser]

Sharks with fricken laser beams attached to their heads!

[YES! THAT'S IT! . . . Except, I've never seen a shark with a laser beam on its head. . . .]

picture a frozen coke bottle exploding x 1000

[OK, got it. Now what?]

Three points. One, I'm not picturing exactly what you mean here - more details?

[Well, first you find some sharks who would be willing to wear the laser be-- wait, I think you're back to the iron plate idea. . . .]

Two, how on Earth would you even cut something like that?

[Get the sharks to point their laser beams at the iron plate.]

Three, how is that supposed to be faster than the relief well being drilled?

[These questions are too tough. We haven't got that far yet. But I'm sure if we all send out good thoughts and white light and positive energy, it'll work.]

What about a concrete hockey puck the size of a house. . . .

[Call the Edmonton Oilers.]

stack a bunch of curling things together.

[Hair curlers?? Stuff it with hair curlers?]

There is 3 foot diameter steel pipe lining the hole. Where it comes up out of the seabed there is a 60 foot tall blowout preventer (BOP) mounted on top of the pipe. The pressure at the top of the well pipe where it enters the BOP is greater than 10,000 psi. Cut a hole into the bedrock? Where? With what? If you were able to somehow dig a tunnel down through the rock and over to the well pipe, you would still have to cut all the way across a 3' diameter pipe (double pipe, since there's also a casing.) As soon as you cut into the pipe you would unleash a gusher of oil and gas which would blow all your fix-it stuff back out of the tunnel and into the gulf before you could do anything else.

[Picky, picky, picky. . . .]

oh well I tried. I felt like doing something.

[And that's what COUNTS, Brains! You FELT like doing something! That's the old DUAC spirit! You get an "E" for "Effort" . . . EPIC FAIL!]

I'm glued to the oil drum site.

[I don't think that's going to work either.]

Thursday, May 27, 2010

"To the Person I Gave the Finger To Today"

The DUmmies are angry people, and it doesn't take much to set them off. Even when they have achieved their goal of controlling the government, they are still angry. Hey, the sun could be shining and the birds singing and it's 72 degrees outside, and they'd be angry that some person somewhere isn't being taxed enough.

One way to trip a DUmmie's wire is to exercise some free speech around them--say, in the form of a bumper sticker they don't like. That's what happened and what is recounted in this
THREAD, "To the Person I Gave the Finger To Today." It seems that DUmmie IdaBriggs took umbrage at a bumper sticker--like the one you see above--and she let the person in the offending car know about it! This from the First Amendment, Peace, Love and Tolerance™ crowd!

So climb in and buckle your seat belt, as we take a ride down DUmmieland Drive, in Road Rage Red, while the commentary of your humble guest correspondent, Charles Henrickson, thinking about putting a "If You Can Read This, You Must Be a Republican" bumper sticker on his car, is in the [brackets]:

To the Person I Gave the Finger To Today

[Like that person is really going to be reading your post! Well, maybe here on DUmmie FUnnies. . . .]

Yes, I saw your bumper-sticker, and yes, I honked to get your attention . . .

[. . . and yes, I made a fool of myself.]

to make sure you saw my open-the-window-stick-my-hand-out gesture of disrespect.

[A DUmmie with a hand out. Typical.]

The fact I was driving my mother back from an appointment (she's been sick) didn't stop me. . . .

[No wonder your mother's sick!]

if I was a different person, I would be apologizing and regretting my actions.

[But . . .]

I'm Not.

[How'd I guess?]

You are a contemptible human being, and I'd do it again. I metaphorically spit in your general direction, you worthless piece of excrement.

[Feel the love!]

The bumper sticker read: "There are Americans, and There are Liberals."

[Sticker shock! Outrage! Hate crime! . . . Now, IdaBriggs, let's see what your fellow DUmmies have to say . . .]

These "look at what a bad-ass I am" responses always smell fishy to me.

[Yes, you DUmmies have been known to fictionalize these "Encounters with a Rethuglican" posts before. IdaBriggs responds . . .]

I do . . . have a bit of a snide attitude toward "certain types" of people, and once flipped completely off the deep end at a bunch of abortion protesters who were throwing up the "cut up dead baby pictures".

[If you believe in abortion, Ida, what's so bad about cut-up dead babies? They're just excess tissue, after all. You should be THANKING those picture-holders for showing how safe and healthy reproductive choice is! . . . Now back to the other DUmmies . . .]

i think giving the finger and saying "f*** you" is a pretty mature response. . . .

[Madder 'n Maturity.]

the bumber sticker is so like Nazi germany

[Two minutes, Godwin's violation!]

I would insult the f***ers too, in front of my 2 year old or my 60 year old mother.

[The family that profanes together, remains together.]

Sometimes the stupid goes over the top. . . .

[Or out the window.]

My only concern is for your safety.

[My only concern is for your sanity.]

You were testing out your social finger on pond scum. . . .

[In the Finger Lakes.]

these stupid f***s need to understand that not everyone is operating at a single digit IQ level.

[IdaBriggs's IQ told her to operate with a single digit.]

I might have abhorred the Bush administration, but I never said that they hated their country or that they weren't American.

[OH, REALLY??? We've got eight years of evidence to the contrary!]

I applaud your reaction, even if it might not have been the classiest reaction.

[Stay classy, DUmmieland!]

Are you 16? Or just haven't developed past that level of maturity? FTLOF people wonder why there is road rage. . . .

[You say "FTLOF" and you're going to lecture people about maturity??]

Sometimes we just react!

[It's the DUmmie Way!]

Good job Ida.

[We salute you! . . . Back to Ida for a moment . . .]

he got my goat. . . . I still think he's an ass.

[It's a barnyard out there!]

You acted stupidly and accomplished nothing.


Personally, I don't give a sh*t if anyone thinks I'm "un-American" because I'm a liberal since such staunch nationalism is pretty wack to begin with. I'm an American because I was born here and always lived here through no choice of my own, and quite frankly, I'd give my left tit to get the hell out of this f***ed-up embarrassing country and live somewhere civilized where I wouldn't have to deal with such ignorant sh*tstains like Bumper Sticker Dude and wouldn't be expected to wear the American label as though it were some kind of badge of honor rather than a scarlet letter which is closer to reality.

[May we question your patriotism NOW?]

I felt the need to jump in and say, "You go girl"!

[You go ballistic, girl!]

There are some real Grade D Buffoons on here lately.

[D is for DUmmie.]

Congrats! You proved that a dipsh*t with a bumper sticker is all it takes to get you frothy. Doesn't really reflect well on you.

[Yes, congrats, IdaBriggs! Hee! Hee!]

It's time to grow up now. . . .

[Let's not and say we did!]

You really need to learn some self-control. The anger management classes suggested by a couple of other posters would be a really good idea.

[Dr. Buddy Rydell is IN!]

I highly doubt you would give the finger to a fellow diner at a restaurant, or some guy in a bar. . . .

[Oh, don't underestimate Miss IdaBriggs!]

I recently told my boss "f*** you, f*** your school," slammed his door and gave him the finger. My students protested on my behalf because the administration is doing some really underhanded sh*t to revoke my contract early.

[Imagine that!]

Does anyone else even call themselves liberal anymore? I hear progressive being used all the time. . . .


I am a liberal, and a socialist

[Somehow I believe you!]

Sometimes I want to just put a sticker on my car that says "f*** you" to save me the trouble of having to give people the finger all the time.

[Heck, get a Bat-signal or something! Flash it up in the sky!]

Unrec for endangering and upsetting your mom.

["Unrec"?? It was almost a CAR wreck!]

I'm amazed at how many here are apparently living their lives in a paranoid bubble.

[Where have you been?? Wake up and smell the DUmmieness!]

Monday, May 24, 2010

DUmmies Enraged That Obama Talks Hoops While Oil Leak Continues

"Community Organizer" is just a fancy way of saying "B.S. Artist." And the DUmmies are now discovering that The One is a first class B.S. Artist. Yeah, the Gulf of Mexico has been filling up with oil for about 35 days and the biggest response from Obama so far is that he is talking hoops with Marv Albert. I kid you not. But should we be surprised? Here is a guy who barely, if ever, even attended a class at Columbia University. What did he DO at Harvard? Well, he got elected editor of Harvard Law Review but he wrote NOTHING for that journal. In fact, what did he ever DO at Harvard or anywhere else? Pretty much what he always did which was to coast through life on a pile of B.S., enabled by admiring liberals. And now those same liberals, and DUmmies, are discovering that Obama is a complete DO-NOTHING as you can see in this THREAD, "Mr. President now is not the time to be talking basketball." So let us now watch the DUmmies burn in Bolshevik Red while Obama shoots hoops while the commentary of your humble correspondent, wondering if Marv performed his Vampire routine on The One, is in the [barackets]:

Mr. President now is not the time to be talking basketball.

[But didn't FDR talk hoops to a joint session of Congress the day after the Japanese attacked Pearl Harbor?]

The Gulf of Mexico is dying and you are talking basketball? WTF were you thinking?

[Big Four Tournament.]

Obama explores LeBron's options

[Option A: Do Nothing in the Gulf.
Option B: Do nothing in the Gulf.]

If LeBron James isn't sure he can win in Cleveland, President Barack Obama thinks there's an opportunity with his hometown Chicago Bulls.

[Quiet! The B.S. Artist is in session.]

"You know, like I said, I don't want to meddle," Obama told TNT. "I will say this: Rose, Joakim Noah it's a pretty good core. You know, you could see LeBron fitting in pretty well there."

[Talk Hoops. Do Nothing. Talk Hoops. Do Nothing. Talk Hoops. Do Nothing...]

Obama was interviewed about a number of basketball subjects by broadcaster Marv Albert on the White House basketball court. The interview will be shown Tuesday night at 8 p.m. ET.

[Will it pre-empt the news about the oil leak?]

BTW what a bone headed thing to say too ..... Mr. President you already have the Illinois vote sewn up but Ohio is the important vote.

[Don't be so sure about the Illinois vote. And now more from the DUmmies on the B.S. Artist...]

It showed a tin ear to both the gravity of the situation in the Gulf and .... could lose Obama @ least 50,000 votes in Ohio in 2012. It is fine for him to watch, play, and talk basketball ..... I am all for that and I am sure it helps him deal w/ the stress of being President but to go on the record at this time was not a smart thing to do.

[The B.S. Artist freezes at the prospect of actually DOING something. So much easier to just talk hoops with Marv.]

It's not the time for any of the business-as-usual stuff he's been doing... It's astounding how clueless the prez is about this.

[Not so much clueless as frozen by fear of taking action.]

Sunday, May 23, 2010

Oil Leak: DUmmies Discover Obama Just A BS Artist

The big oil leak in the Gulf of Mexico is now serving to prove to the DUmmies something most of us knew long ago...That Barack Obama is nothing but a complete BS artist. Yeah, he talks up a good storm but what does he actually DO? Mostly nothing which is why the DUmmies are now so frustrated with his lack of action as you can see in the THREAD, "White House in Denial; Public Wants Real Action on BP Oil Disaster." I've known a few people like Obama. Real big on talk but when it comes time to take action...NOTHING. So let us now watch the DUmmies quote from a leftwing FireDogLake ARTICLE about what a complete do-nothing BS artist Barack is in Bolshevik Red while the commentary of your humble correspondent, noting that the oil spill hasn't crimped the lavish state dinners of The One, is in the [barackets]:

White House in Denial; Public Wants Real Action on BP Oil Disaster NO

[Action? Sure, BO will blame it all on BP...and on Bush and Halliburton. But as to actual ACTION...nope. Just BO BS.]

It’s been more than 30 days since the Deepwater Horizon rig exploded and the well nearly a mile below on the sea floor began to erupt oil and methane, killing 11 of our fellow citizens and injuring even more both immediately and in the continuing damage which followed.

[But wasn't that a really great state dinner that BO had for Calderone?]

And nothing has happened of any consequence since then.

[Bush's fault!]

Oh, we’ve had a Category 5 hurricane of hot air, some decent questions from Congressional hearings, but zippo-zilch-nada in the way of an effective solution. (I pity the people of the Gulf who had to deal with another hurricane they couldn’t escape.)

[I pity those who voted for the BS artist thinking he would actually DO something.]

Now the White House is having a hissy behind closed doors with the media because dammitall, they can’t stop asking questions about the spill. Oh that’ll work, that’ll make a difference; the biggest environmental disaster our country has experienced will go away if only the media shuts up about it.

[Quiet while BS is in progress.]

Screw that. This has been nothing but a corporate-induced environmental and socio-biological experiment perpetuated on our commons without our consent, and the American public doesn’t take well to experimentation without debate in advance. Witness our slow-moving policy on stem cell research, for example. We don’t frigging like it.

[BP's biggest campaign donation was to BO which might explain the BS.]

And screw the White House for its insistence that the Fourth Estate stop pestering them and begone. The people have been demanding accountability through our elected representatives in the legislature, but it’s like maneuvering a massive battleship, one that is intended for the making of laws and not their execution.

[No presidential press conferences since BO derailed himself last summer.]

But it’s the Executive Branch which is charged with the faithful execution of our laws, and it’s failing to do so. It has not done a competent job of communicating with the public or the media would not be hammering on them as they are for more information — and for once, the media is actually doing what we need of them, not what their corporate lords and masters expect.

[It hasn't done a competent job...PERIOD.]

Instead of scolding the press, the White House should be asking itself why it’s being pestered. Why has "oil spill" remained a trending topic among internet searches across various outlets for more than a month?

It’s because we want ACTION, not more words. We want the damned well capped and we want it capped yesterday, and no, we don’t want to leave this to a negligent corporation which has consistently failed to act in good faith. We want the Executives we elected to office to execute. Do something, for god’s sake.

[I promise to form a commission to form a committee to look into why...]

I’ve had a list of action items for a while now, in fact, if the White House cannot find actionable items of their own. You know that popular site, Getting Things Done? Yeah, well you can call this Get Sh*t Done Now. Here’s my GSDN list as it is right now which I gladly submit for the White House’s immediate consideration and implementation:

[ advisory council should be organized to...]

1) Obama needs to use that goddamned unitary executive power he’s been clinging to and declare a state of emergency in federal waters along the Gulf of Mexico, using an Executive Order. This is now an international situation, not just an American one, because the oil will eventually end up in the North Atlantic.

[...look into forming an...]

2) Declare British Petroleum in violation of its lease and kick them off the site. Threaten to seize all American assets of BP-America immediately if they do not assist in setting up a claims system which will be administered and overseen by the U.S. and paid by BP. (Hire all those poor Sallie Mae folks who were going to lose their jobs because of student loan reform for this purpose. /snark)

[...oil leak committee that would...]

3) Ask the Department of Energy’s Steve Chu to create a skunkworks rapid solutions team from NASA and DARPA along with schools which specialize in oceanography, mechanical technology, geology, and computer modeling. Stop waiting for the nice old farts they pulled from JASON because this is an emergency, goddamnitall, we don’t have time for them to come up with a vetted, peer-reviewed whitepaper on this. Don’t listen to anybody’s crap about so-called experts on deepwater drilling and how they’ll solve the problem. As my 16-year-old said, "If there’s experts, where are they? Show me one." Yeah. What she said.

[...keep the President apprised of...]

4) Threaten to kick Ken Salazar to the curb if he doesn’t not immediately have every one of the 15+ deepwater offshore drilling sites reevaluated; every evaluation must be on POTUS desk inside 15 days from the date the Executive Order. And we want the evaluations made public — no more of this bullshit opacity the White House calls transparency. No excuses; all this stuff should have been submitted when BP and the other oil industry firms applied for the leases to begin with.

[...latest leak developments that...]

5) Approach corporations to develop an X-Prize type program to develop a private solution in tandem with the skunkworks solution. Ask Congress to create a special R&D tax credit for firms which donate money to the X-Prize for development.

[...could develop within...]

6) Approach Florida State University (which now owns the former Scripps’ Harbor Branch Oceanographic Institute and its submersibles) along with Mississippi State (which has an oceanography program) and ask them to work with NIUST to develop models of the plume’s distribution, along with identifying the impact short and long-term on the ocean bottom and the ecosystem above it.

[...the next timeframe...]

7) Suck up the arrogance and pride and ask the elder statesman of the environment to be the face of this effort. Ask Al Gore to do the legwork with the corporations and educational facilities whose cooperation is needed. Tell him this is to be used as an example of what people can do for the larger environment if they focus on this problem first. If they can solve this, they can solve the big problems.

[ the development ensues...]

8) Tell the Catfood Commission (read: Presidential Deficit Commission) to find a way to shoehorn in funding for an alternative energy Apollo Program or Marshall Plan. If you have to find a front man, go to Al Gore because this was his idea back in 1992. Jeebus, catch a clue and use the resources you have already; Gore wrote it all out for you in 1992.

[...and analytic methods developed...]

9) Call that lazy-assed sad-sack Joe Lieberman and tell him whatever super-secret-y deal you guys have going in the way of a quid pro quo is off if Lieberman cannot find some reason to investigate the relationships between Department of Interior and any corporation with which it deals. Make the call private, and tell him if he doesn’t have hearings within 15 days you are going to publicly call him on the carpet for the benefit of CT voters every chance you get until 2012.

[...handle the crises as...]

10) You know damned well if they cut corners in the Gulf of Mexico, they did it elsewhere. Threaten to go for the jugular on them if they don’t continue to play ball with clean-up in the Gulf.Take a bunch of bloggers up to BP’s operations in Alaska and let them roam around for a couple weeks. Make BP pay for it — figure it out, you have the EO in one hand and the power to print money in the other. Keep the pressure on BP until they beg for mercy.

[...structural responses are structured...]

11) And right now I’m tempted to tell one Barack Obama to get really, genuinely excitedly-upset, be more than that Spock character for once, add the passion of Captain Kirk and the anger of Dr. McCoy in the mix. That fakery last week only made us heave with nausea. And Rahm? Just bite me; whatever counsel you’ve offered Mr. Spock-the-President has been both incompetent and impotent.

[...i.e. not a damn thing.]

If I could sit and stew a while longer on this and not elevate my blood pressure, I could come up with a lot more. But I’m sure you have more ideas of your own. What do you want to tell this White House to do about the spill? Be specific, stick to workable suggestions — this is not an invitation to a flame war. Give the Executive Branch plenty of reasons to do something instead of nothing but flogging the media.

[Send an emergency team of community organizers down to the Gulf to blow off a lot of hot air? And now the other DUmmies react to the Do-Nothing-In-Chief...]

Time for Obama to stop hiding under the bed.

[Please! This involves actual WORK. Too much to expect from him.]

So what is the best method to get word to the White House
that we the people are done waiting? Phone calls? Letters? Marching in the streets?

[Reading lines off teleprompters?]

Watching the Obama Admin flail about is like watching a slow motion train wreck. The lack of national emergency status being placed on this catastrophe truly calls into question the President's competence.

[A DUmmie finally awakes from his long mental dormancy.]

The only thing more epic than this volcano of oil is the seeming lack of importance being assigned to it by the Obama Admin.

[Hey, he has state dinners and political fundraisers to attend!]

It's way past time for Obama to ACT. No stern letters. No disappointing looks while giving a speech. No harsh tone to his voice while talking about it. It's time for ACTION. DO SOMETHING, OBAMA!


He's only been in office 18 months!

[Still brief enough to continue blaming Bush.]

Obama doesn't have what it takes to act. That's become very clear.

[An oil soaked Kewpie Doll is on the way to you.]

The Obama administration isn't in denial, they just don't give a damn.

[Will this affect my Arugula salad?]

Saturday, May 22, 2010

DUmmieland's 50 Millionth Post Contest: Guess That Post!

Big DUings down on our DUmmieland Ant Farm! Marking a major milestone: 50 million posts! They've been busy little worker ants, haven't they?

So Assistant Head DUmmie EarlG announces a contest, in this
THREAD, "DU Contest: Can you guess when we'll reach 50 million posts?"

But is this really a fair contest? There's one longtime player who's being blocked from competing! Will our mystery guest please sign in? He can't!

More on that later. For now, pull up a chair, and let us gaze into our endlessly entertaining DUmmie Ant Farm, as we play . . . Guess! That! Post!--which, I can safely predict, will be in Bolshevik Red--while the commentary of your humble guest correspondent, Charles Henrickson, getting ready to post a DUmber Alert for our missing DUmmie, is in the [brackets]:

DU Contest: Can you guess when we'll reach 50 million posts?

[You know, Assistant Head DUmmie EarlG, I would have thought that was your guys's output for an average week!]

Many of you have noticed that DU is approaching something of a milestone. . . .

[50 million tombstones?]

we're about to hit our 50 millionth post.


we thought it might be fun to have a little contest this weekend and see who can guess closest to the date and time that the 50 millionth post will be made.

[Sounds like FUn! This might be the closest to a date that DUmmie stevenumbers has been in years!]

How to enter
1. Reply to this post.
2. Make your subject line the date and time that you think the 50 millionth post will be made (example: Monday May 17, 12:34pm)
3. That's it!

[Too complicated. Remember your audience.]

The winner will receive a fabulous DU T-Shirt.

[THAT'S IT??? I win your major-milestone contest and all I get is a LOUSY T-SHIRT??? Don't break the bank there, Skinner and EarlG!! At least here at DUmmie FUnnies we give out Kewpie Dolls!]


[Three or four times in certain precincts. These are Democrats, you know.]

In the unlikely event that a tie-breaker is needed, we'll come up with something.

[A suggested "donation," perhaps?]

Contest closes at 7pm ET Sunday (which is, coincidentally, the start of our 2nd Quarter Fund Drive).

[Gotta pay for that t-shirt somehow!]

Good luck everyone!

[Sending white light and positive vibes your way!]

05-18-10 at 01:52. Fun contest!

[Yes, but, where's . . . a certain player?]

Tuesday, May 18th 12:07 pm. I never get the ice out date and time right. I can't imagine I'll guess this right.

[Yes, but they never gave you a DU t-shirt for guessing when the ice would be out, did they? Powerful incentive.]

EarlG - You should also give a tee shirt to the person who makes the 50 millionth post!


As for the tie breaker, if there are two winners, you can tear the fabulous t-shirt in two.


Or, you could just award t-shirts to all the lucky winners. After all, the gift (while nice), isn't a Lamborghini!

[Democratic Understatement.]

Wed May 19th, 11:33 am, give or take 48 hours or so

[Business hours. Which reminds me . . . there's someone who has hasn't played yet. Hmmm. . . .]

Wednesday 19th 11:42 pm, in the lounge with the wine bottle

[First time a DUmmie has had a clue in ages.]

May 24th 3:00AM, WhooooooHOOO

[WHEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!! But wrong.]

Tues. 5-18-10 at 10:04 am, unless there's another terrorist attack, oil spill, SC nomination, celebrity death. THEN I guess Sunday night at 7:00 pm.

[If Obama nominates a terrorist to the Supreme Court, all bets are off.]

Tuesday May 18,2010, 11:59 PM Is this the price is right?

[We're only $10 away from affording a t-shirt!]

5/19 - 5 p.m. I just know it!

[I just know . . . you're wrong.]

Can YOU believe how much the DU has done & grown..? TGfDU!

[Thank Gaia for DUmmieland!]

Thanks for the thread EarlG.

[You can use it to make a t-shirt.]

Sunday, May 16, 2010 @ 11:36 pm. . . . I'm guessing Deeyewers may get excited and push us over the edge early

[Usually it's the Dewar's that pushes you over the edge.]

Monday May 17, 1:31am. Hah! I win

[Hah! You lose.]

Wednesday, May 19th, 6:50am. C'mon, DU; baby needs a new pair of shoes!

[Would you settle for a t-shirt?]

California Peggy in the Library with the Candlestick

[Will Pitt in the Penalty Box with a Tombstone. Yes, folks, that's our missing player!! WHERE'S WILLIE!! He does 50 million posts A MONTH!! This thing is RIGGED, that's it!]

May 23, 2010 12:00 AM MIDNIGHT!!!! We all know DU has a very active night life!!!

[Bunch of zombies.]

Tuesday, May 19, 12:34 a.m. And it will be by Name Removed in a thread about brasieres.

[Bunch of boobs.]

Thursday, May 20th, 12:56pm ET. I deserve a shirt.

[Ask Obama.]

Monday May 17 at 3:17. I take an XL.


Tuesday May 18, 9:05am. . . . C'mon, let's win. Momma needs a new shirt that is guaranteed to piss off the local Republicans as much as my punk rock t-shirts.


5/21 9:11 pm Friday night, right? . . . I'm gonna love wearing my T-shirt.

[While others go without?? CAPITALIST PIG!!]

Right now !

[Sorry, wrong.]

No, Now !

[Sorry, DUmmie Motown_Johnny, only one guess per customer.]

Right after post # 49,999,999

[You are correct! Thanx for playing, everyone! Come back next time when we announce the winner!]

- - - - - - - - - -

PART TWO: DUmmieland's 50 Millionth Post Contest: Guess That Post!

I know the suspense must be killing you to find out who the Grand Prize T-shirt winner is, so instead of making you wait for a whole new DUFU, we'll just do a Part Two of this one. DUAC Earl reveals the identity of the lucky DUmmie here in this THREAD, "And the winner of the "Guess When The 50 Millionth Post Will Happen" contest is..."

But tonight there is one man who is not wearing a t-shirt, one man who will not be celebrating, indeed, one man who will be neither posting nor toasting. Instead, he will be bouncing, bouncing on a sidewalk, shirtless, outside some dark, lonely, Beantown dive--a sad man, a broken man, a man without a forum. We know that man as William Rivers Pitt, Exile from DUmmieland. What consolation does HE have, knowing he could not--could not!--make that 50 millionth post, nor even guess when it would occur! Oh, Pitt! How long must you stand alone, bouncing?

Ah, for happier times. . . . Even so, life goes on. And where there is a contest, there is a t-shirt to be awarded. Bolshevik Red, humble correspondent, and all that. . . .

And the winner of the "Guess When The 50 Millionth Post Will Happen" contest is...



[AAARRRGGHHH!!! It's NOT Pitt!!!]

peekaloo's time was 9:30PM on Thursday May 20, which was the closest guess.

["Closest guess." Pffft. . . . What's with this merit crap? Prizes should go to the most oppressed minority.]

She wins a fabulous DU T-Shirt.

[What about Will? What does he win? I'll tell you: NOTHING!]

And in case you were wondering who posted the 50 millionth post, well, it was...




one of our very own moderating team

[Oh, sure. A moderator. NOW we see how the wheel turns! RECOUNT! RECOUNT!]

who somewhat hilariously managed to post it right here.

[DUAC Earl then links to NYC_SKP's post, from another thread, which reads as follows . . .]

This, right here, the 50,000,000th DU Post. I'm pretty sure, within one or two at the worst.


We think he deserves a DU T-shirt too

[Of course! A white male, a member of the DU power structure. Of course he gets a t-shirt! LOUSY CORPORATISTS!!]

Congratulations to both of you, and thanks to everyone for taking part in the contest.

[Meanwhile, Wee Willie Pitt is standing outside, shivering, for lack of a shirt.]

A moderator you say

[I smell a protest brewing.]

It's only because we are glued to our keyboards and monitors like little children in a sweatshop.

[This from 50 millionth poster/t-shirt winner NYC_SKP, who, far from laboring in a sweatshop, sits in a moderator's mansion, sipping cocktails and enjoying the ill-gotten t-shirt that he ripped off the back of the peon prole posters.]

You say you do not get bathroom breaks?

[NYC_SKP posts while wearing his fabulous DU Diaper®, specially designed for marathon posting. Not sold in stores.]

Why not T-shirts for everyone?


So can I say 9 years from today around 9ish pm DU breaks a hundred mill

[Yes, and like the first 50 mill, 50% of them will be from . . . LOUSY FREEPER TROLLS!!!]

I would like to thank my parents (Gert & Chuck), Pope Benedict XVI, the academy, George Clooney...

[You didn't even win, you DUmmie!]

Yay, peekaloo!

[Boo hoo, Pittipoo!]

This was soooo totally rigged! I always win these 50,000,000th guessing thangs.

[Better luck next time.]

can peekaloo PM me saturdays powerball numbers?

[Speaking truth to Powerball!]

I was only 12 minutes further away than she was!

[You win a fabulous DU sanitary sock.]

I think the next contest should be what century I make my 50 millionth post. I plan on living far, so good.

[Famous last words.]

But what of Pitt? Still on the outside, looking in. The best he can manage is someone else posting an excerpt from Pitt's latest truthout essay, in this lightly viewed and aptly named THREAD, "Killing Our World by Will Pitt."

Killing Our World by Will Pitt

[Don't worry, Will, our world has already been killed when a man like you is tombstoned.]

Uh, oh. Has Will Pitt become persona non gratis around here again?

[A-GAIN! And there's no indication if or when they'll let him back in.]

he's always gunned for me with a completely irrational hard-on for verbal violence - and played dirty on PM's while doing it. Mostly I just avoided him in recent years because it was making people sad to see that far into the snakepit.

[Will "Snake" Pitt, meanest hombre this side of the Pecos.]

He was served the delivery of asphalt.

[A granite cookie.]

We need him back!

[Come back, Will! Will, come back! . . . Oh, please, Skinner! Oh, please EarlG! We NEED Mr. Pitt!]

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

DUmmies join Jeremiah Wright under the bus!

The DUmmies are realizing what the Rev. Jeremiah Wright is now saying: Barry USED me like a five-dollar hooker and then threw me UNDER THE BUS! Read about it here, in this THREAD, "Ex-Obama pastor: 'Obama threw me under the bus.'"

Of course, some of the Obamassiah True Believers think Jerry done Barry wrong by hurting him politically, but most of the DUmmies are ready to join Rev. Wright on the pavement.

So let's all join the crowd under the chassis, where the comments are in Roadkill Red, while the commentary of your humble guest correspondent, Charles Henrickson, recalling that the original Jeremiah got thrown into a pit--which reminds me, Where IS Pitt?--is in the [Barackets]:

Ex-Obama pastor: 'Obama threw me under the bus'

[DUmmies: 'We know the feeling!']

The Rev. Jeremiah Wright, Barack Obama's controversial former pastor, said . . . that he is "toxic" to the Obama administration and that the president "threw me under the bus."

[Toxic DUmp.]

"No one in the Obama administration will respond to me, listen to me, talk to me or read anything that I write to them."

[Jeremiah's chickens . . . comin' home to roost!]

"When Obama threw me under the bus, he threw me under the bus literally!"

[Literally! In a figurative sort of way. . . . Now on to the DUmmies . . .]

I was wondering when he'd rear his ugly head.


And yet, that hateful Rick Warren, is still in favor. I guess it's okay to use inflammatory language so long as it's against homosexuals.

[Homosexuals rearing their heads.]

Obama is man of political expedience. The reason we are all so pissed about it is that we were all suckered by his slick presentation on the campaign trail (at least I was) and now we are being made to be fools. Quite frankly, it sucks.

[G*d D*MN Obama!!!]

You're being obtuse and dense.

[That's just DUmmie being DUmmie.]

If you are saying that first and foremost Obama is a hypocrite and a shill, then I am with you.

[Amazing how Obama brings us together, isn't it?]

Obama used his 20 year relationship with Wright as long as it benefited him. Then he jettisoned him.

[Theme song from The Jettisons: "Well, we're moving on down . . . to the street side. . . ."]

Right now I feel like the classic jilted lover. I took it up the ass because he said he'd love me in the morning.

[The heartbreak of Ben Burch Syndrome.]

personally i think he deserved to be thrown under the bus. that man tried to hurt obama with his bullsh*t.

[Jeremiah with his bullsh*t . . .]

Obama JOINED Wrights congregation for "political" expediency, mostly because it was an influential church in the community he was attempting to organize. Leaving Wright, when he became "inexpedient" was merely a continuation of the purpose.

[DUmmie zipplewrath, for this Brief Moment of Mental Clarity, you win today's Kewpie Doll! Congratulations!]

Wright married the Obamas, baptized their children, and gave Obama "The Audicity of Hope" title

[The Expediency of Wright.]

Maybe if Americans weren't so racist, he could have stayed in his church

[G*d D*MN AmeriKKKa!!!]

remember that speech about how much Obama claimed to love Wright? Equated him with a grandparent. Then, almost immediately. . . .

[Soylent Wright is people.]

It's getting awfully crowded under here!


when he spouted insane nonsense . . . is when he was revealed for the vain nutjob he is.

[No wonder DU loves him!]

"he threw me under the bus literally!" no. FIGURATIVELY, you idiot!

[Racist wordophobe!]

obama didn't throw him under the bus. wright threw himself onto the path of the bus, and the republicans and the media drove the bus over him.

[Bus's fault!]

I hope Jeremiah Wright continues speaking truth to power.

["Speaking truth to power"! Drink up!]

Obama has an enormous bus.

[Don't be so hard on Michelle! It's genetic.]

it is time to retire the "under the bus" metaphor and come up with a new one.

[Throw the bus under the bus!]

The last time I actually saw footage of the good Reverend, he actually looked & sounded deranged.

[Bus Derangement Syndrome.]

Sorry to mix metaphors but Jeremiah Wright is a train wreck.

[Campaigns, Trains, and Obama Big Wheels.]

The idiot chucked himself under the bus. Oh, wait. He probably believes "the Jews" told Obama to throw him under there.

[Rahm for one more!]

The nation's least exclusive club: People the Prez Threw Under The Bus.

[Democratic Underbus!]

Friday, May 14, 2010

DUmmies turn on dope-smoking hypocrite Obama!

It's always FUn to see the DUmmies turn on their erstwhile messiah, The One. This time they turn on him because they want to "turn on" themselves! You see, the former (?) coke-snorting, dope-smoking Barry Soetoro is cracking down on the use of their favorite recreational drugs. So out come the Dopey DUpes of DUmmieland to DUmp on the Hypocrite of Hope! Witness this THREAD, "Seriously Obama? Smoke a joint last week, go to jail for DUI this week?"

So put on your gas mask as we enter the hazy black-lit basement that is DUmmie Underground, where the comments are in Reefer-Madness Red, while the commentary of your humble guest correspondent, Charles Henrickson, wondering what Pied Piper Pitt is putting in his pipe these days, is in the [Barackets]:

Seriously Obama?


Smoke a joint last week, go to jail for DUI this week?


Obama is calling for the presence of *any* marijuana in your body to be de jure evidence of driving under the influence.

[De jure is OUT!]


[That's the pothead calling the kettle black!]

i doubt Obama reviewed this recommendation personally

[He was too busy tokin' in the boys' room.]

C'mon, you are responsible for any thing you do AND SO IS ST OBAMA

[St One (D)]

He is doing the same sh*t Clinton did.

{That's some bad sh*t, man.]

When a President is in office, it's his show.

[The bong stops here.]

We seem to get dumber by the day.

[DING DING DING!!! Kewpie Doll on the way, DUmmie Dr.Phool!]

he gets down on his knees for the man pretty good dont he! what a spineless piece of bush wannabe.

[Picking on Barry Bush.]

It boggles my mind that two years ago, I was donating, campaigning, attending rallies, wearing Obama buttons, and bugging everyone within hearing distance to vote for him. Chr***, I f***ing CRIED in the voting booth, I was so happy to vote for him. Now, I'm more angry at him than I was at shrub. . . . I feel so betrayed.

[From a button-wearing, voter-bugging, booth-bawling Obamabot to now . . . boggled, betrayed, and burned up!]

What a fool I was.


I was fooled by the lure of ethnicity and good sloganeering, combined with belief in the promises later broken and revulsion for the opposing team. Won't happen again, I promise you that.

[At least until the next election.]

He will end up a black mark in history. . . .


Maybe he will produce the "change" we can believe in.

[Dope and change!]

So what Democrat will replace Obama??

[Here's for Willie Nelson!]

I'll write in Kucinich and sleep better.

[I'll smoke a joint and not care.]

F*** this sh*t!

[DUmmie discourse at its finest.]

Cannabis is an answer, not a problem.

[Yes we cannabis!]

the cops will set up Stoned Driving Checkpoints--pull over a driver, hand him a cup and if he's got any THC metabolite in his urine charge him with Driving Under the Influence. Half the country will be on Vespas because they smoked a joint on Friday night, then got tested on Wednesday night and had their license pulled.

[We now pray the Order of Vespas. . . .]

Of all the things Obama is doing . . . his refusal to consider moving weed from Schedule I to Schedule III is what I consider the worst of all.

[It's all weed-weed up!]

the tests they do in France are saliva based

[No spit?]

anyways I smoke WHILE driving in Illinois because it is illegal to drive for WEEKS after smoking so it is ALWAYS illegal for me to drive in Illinois.

[That's DUmmie reggie the dog, Illinois state troopers. Repeat: DUmmie reggie the dog.]

I guess this is the nail in the coffin for me

[Obama is shovel-ready.]

they'll have to pry my pee from my cold, dead bladder

[You've got to be kidney!]

Smoke a joint one week, become POTUS some other week. see the abject hypocrisy there Obama?

[Barack Obama, Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Stuff.]

so -- when do the mass piss tests begin?

[Calm down, benburch!]

I've been a pothead just about forever.

[Somehow, I believe you.]

The hysteria needs to stop.


Horrific. I will not vote for him again. . . . Ashamed that i even did.

[Just smoke a joint and forget about it.]

I'm off to smoke a BIG FAT ONE!

[That's the spirit!]

Would Obama be willing to do time for the drugs he has done?

[TO THE HAGUE WITH HIM! At least in the Netherlands you can smoke dope.]

At this rate who does Obama thinks is going to vote for him in 2012?

[Non-dope-smoking Democrats. . . . Well, he may want to rethink that. 5,000 votes will not get the job done.]

it's dopey!

[You're grumpy!]

Obama Harshing the nation's buzz

[Obummer, DUde!]

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

Pied Piper Pitt Day 2010: Pitt homeless, Bobo the Hobo still posting

Happy Pied Piper Pitt Day! Yes, today is May 12, the fourth anniversary of that fateful Fitzmas fiasco in 2006, when Prosecutor Fitz indicted KKKarl Rove, and Journalist Pitt then breathlessly broke the scoop to the moonbat multitudes hanging on his every word: "It's a sealed indictment--Sealed vs. Sealed--Rove has ALREADY been indicted, and now, just wait, you will see him frogmarched within 24 business hours!" FREUDENSCHADE, BABY! Break open the champagne! WHEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!

Tick, tock, tick, tock. . . . 24 business hours came and went. . . . 24 business DAYS came and went. . . . 24 LEAP YEARS came and went. . . . and still no frogmarch. Oopsie! Thus Will the Shill's journalistic, political, and punditry career went down in Plames. Wee Willie was reduced to living off Mumsie's trust fund and doing some part-time bar-bouncing.

But there was always DUmmieland. The Pied Piper still had his loyal sycophants at the DUmp, where he could be a star.

Until this past Sunday. The Mother's Day Massacre. The Tombstoning of William Pitt. Yes, Our Boy has been BANISHED from DUmmieland! Here it is, Pied Piper Pitt Day, and Will the Shill is OUT ON THE STREET, HOMELESS! Wee Willie is languishing in Prog Purgatory!

The Magic Man's offense? Will the Bouncer challenged DUmmie bobbolink, aka Bobo the Hobo, herself homeless--oh, the irony!--to a fight. Thus the Bouncer became the Bouncee.

You need to know a little something about Bobo the Hobo. She is a homeless person, living out of her car in Denver, and she's always playing the Victim Card. "How'd you like it if your mother ended up homeless like me?" is a common bobbolink complaint.

Well, in a thread on Sunday--Mother's Day, mind you--Bobo apparently used this line (or something like it) in a post to Willie Boy, mentioning Will's mother somehow. The relevant posts were immediately deleted from DUmmieland, of course. The mention of his dear Mumsie (aka Mother Pitt, aka DUmmie Raven) and the likelihood that the Pie-eyed One may have been well into his cups--this set off the eruption of Mount Eyjawilliejökull! All of a sudden, Will the Drama Queen went into a foul-mouthed tirade: "How ****ing DARE you mention my Mumsie?? Meet me in the ****ing alley, you ****ing ****er, and I'll drop you a like a sack of ****ing potatoes!!!"

Them's fighting words, and fighting words are a no-no in the Land of Peace and Love. Will gets the granite cookie, while Bobo the Hobo lives to post again. Is there no JUSTICE??

My prediction, though, is that a Properly Penitent Pitt will come up with a suitable mea culpa and be restored to full DUmmieland fellowship--maybe within 24 business hours! The Pied Piper doesn't want to lose his audience, Head DUmmie Skinner doesn't want to lose his "star" attraction, and the DUmmies don't want to lose their entertainment value. Neither do we here at DUmmie FUnnies! Come back, Will! Let him back in, Admins! We give you the BIRD, bobbolink, that you would whip-poor-Will and Mother Raven!

So, for the moment, Will the Bouncer sits in prison, silenced, while Harridan Anti-Pitt is clothed in soft raiment and posting in king's houses. Since we cannot hear the voice crying in the Willieness, let us now find out more about this most annoying Bobo the Hobo who got him banned. You get a sample of DUmmie bobbolink here in this
THREAD (written a week before the Pitt-bobbolink confrontation), "When do you want people to die?"

The comments of DUmmie bobbolink, aka Bobo the Hobo--and one DUmmie responder--are in Rentless Red, while the commentary of your humble guest correspondent, Charles Henrickson, spending this Pied Piper Pitt Day longing for the return of Poor Persecuted Pitt, is in the [brackets]:

When do you want people to die?

[Why did you want Willie to be banned?]

Right here on DU, we have heard from people who have been telling us that there ARE people who want them to die. . . .

[Yes, Bobo the Hobo, play the Victim Card ONCE AGAIN! Everybody wants you to die. Well, come to think of it, now that you've gotten Willie banned, maybe. . . .]

So, what about it, DU? Why are THESE cases of suffering and potential death not a cause du jour for liberals or progressives?

[Will Pitt is our cause DU jour! . . . But now one comment from another DUmmie . . .]

I'll comment more tomorrow, Bobbie. I'm a little emotionally fried at the moment.
My dog broke his harness, jumped our fence, and bit a Chihuahua. It's been a messed up 24 hours.

[24 bit-ness hours. . . . Back to bobbolink . . .]

People are suffering and dying. Its time to DO Something.

[PITT is suffering! It's time to DU something! DUAC! DUAC!]

So, what are you going to do about it?

[The confrontational bobbolink challenges everyone to help her. Fat chance now, honey!]

we should all be able to own our own homes, for the safety that provides. Now, ..... HOW?

[Mm, get a job? Just a guess.]

I'm doing all I can while living in my car.

[HA! You've got a CAR?? Will Pitt is out on the STREET!]

How else can I say this... I DO NOT NEED A SHELTER.

[Gimme Shelter--NOT!]

I am a person. I am a good person. I need a home. . . . It. Really. Is. Quite. Simple.

[How. DARE. You. Imitate. Pitt's. Periodic. Punctuation. Style?!?]

I'm sure when your mother becomes one of us, she will thank you.

[There--THERE--is the smoking gun, from BEFORE the Mother's Day Massacre, as to the kind of post I think Bobo the Hobo wrote to Pitt that set off Mount Eyjawilliejökull! That must have been it! Mystery solved. I, Hercule Poirot, have cracked the Case of the Powderkeg Posts!]

- - - - -


Lady Bird Pitt (Mumsie, DUmmie Raven) chirped in on Monday, The Day After the Mother's Day Massacre, in this THREAD, "On being somebody's Son."

On being somebody's Son.

[Our Lady of the DUmp now refers to her "Son" with a capital "S." Is this "The Passion of the Pitt" or what?]

Very difficult sometimes when you are a writer and you put yourself out there all the time. There is no better way to turn a discussion away from the main point than to derail it by bringing a relative into it.

[Mother Pitt is trying not to get tombstoned herself, so she does this cryptic, passive-aggressive style post, without mentioning Willie Boy or Bobo by name.]

There is no better way to enrage a son that to bring his/her mother/father into the discussion in a really hurtful way.

[Pitt went Raven' mad!]

I don't know what the writer said to be banished from this site and I don't condone it but it seems to me that the poster who brought the writer's mother into it hit way below the belt.


We have to find a better way to converse here. Locking and tombstoning one side of this kind of discussion and not the other does not seem to further that. It now would seem that bringing a relative into a discussion and evoking a reaction will become the debate tactic of choice.

[That's So Raven! . . . Now let's hear from the DUmmies . . .]

People who graduate jr. high should get passed yo mamma jokes.

[Wee Willie is stuck in seventh.]

Also, death threats are bad.

[Bad Pitt!]

My dear Raven...

[DUmmie CaliforniaPeggy is HEARTBROKEN!! She always like to say, "My dear WILL"! Now she can't!]


[In Before The Lock.]

Wait, whaat? ...I missed something over the weekend, didn't I?

[3, 2, 1 . . .]



Monday, May 10, 2010

Pied Piper Pitt TOMBSTONED!!!!!

Pied Piper Pitt has been Tombstoned! I repeat. Pied Piper Pitt has been TOMBSTONED from DUmmieland. DUmmie Administrator EarlG EXPLAINS:

For the record

Last night Will Pitt repeatedly threatened another member with physical violence. After the moderators deleted those messages he sent the threats again to the member via private message, during which he challenged the member to report his behavior to the moderators, implying that he would not be held accountable for his actions.

We don't enjoy banning people, particularly people who have been here a long time. WilliamPitt left us absolutely no choice in this matter. This is entirely his own fault and responsibility.


And what were the details of this epic battle? First we find some of the details from missing DUmmie threads as recorded for posterity over at the CONSERVATIVE CAVE:


This must be a mistake.

I was just reading his post about ending the recession and noticed his journal link was missing....

Anybody know anything?

[Yes. Apparently Wee Willie threatened death upon a fellow DUmmie for the high crime of mocking Mumsie aka DUmmie Raven.]

I thought he was one of the rocks of DU!!

[A rock Pitt.]

This has to be some sort of mistake, He has been a valuable contributor to the DU community and we would be less for his parting

[Willie, We Hardly Knew Ye.]

You ******* piece of shit
From: WilliamPitt
Date: May-09-10 03:34 PM
Just to make sure you see this before it gets deleted, here you go:

[Fragments collected from the battlefield...]

Explain how you have the time and money to post to DU from your ******* car, you poor ******* victim.

Leave my mother out of your comments, or meet me in the street, you ****.


Period. End of file. Do it again, I ******* dare you.

Yes, I ******* said it. Let the mods delete this. I ******* hope you read it first, you piece of shit.

**** you. I'll PM you my address. Say that shit to my face. I swear to God, any time, anywhere.

[High noon at Bukowski's?]

Any chance you're anything other than a chickenshit ****?

I promise I will drop you if we ever meet.

I ******* promise.

[Does this not sound like Will is PUI? Posting Under the Influence.]

Be sure to share this with the Mods.

If you dare, say that shit to my face. I am not hard to find.

You suck. And I will wipe you out if I ever get the chance.

Share this with the mods, please.

[Note that Pitt's wrath is aimed at DUmmie bobolink. Will the two come to blows? More info on the Clash of the Titans over at Pitt's FaceBook PAGE...]

I have apparently been banned or suspended from DemocraticUnderground. Waiting to hear which; I can't log on to find out. Frankly, I deserve either and/or both. I went off on one of the resident DU douchebags because they threw my mother in my face, but I challenged them to a fistfight without realizing I was talking to a woman. Stay tuned.

[LOL! All the macho posturing by Pitt which got him tombstoned from DUmmieland was due to a fight with a woman. BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!]

damn, man. that sucks. i will go over and register and peep out wtf is going on. what'd they do to your mom? i'm confused.


Don't get into it, you won't find anything out. I have emails into the Admins, and I assume they'll tell me soon enough. Someone pulled the Mom card in a thread of mine and I went ballistic, challenged them to a fistfight...before discovering that I was speaking to a woman. Not cool. The person in question sucks, but threats of violence against anyone are not kosher, especially if the person in question isn't a guy.

That is insane ! You were one of founding members & the first big STAR. Oh Fa Crissakes!?

[Sniff! The good always get tombstoned young.]

P.S. I deserved it. I got PISSED and went to my keyboard, which is always always always a bad idea.

[Remember Pitt, never Post Under the Influence of alcohol. PUI.]

Or to say it another way: If they don't want you, F*#k 'em.

To Toby: I care because I've been a member for almost 10 years. And because I threatened to beat the shit out of a woman without realizing who I was talking to. Not my finest moment.

[Perhaps not your finest moments but definitely one of your FUnniest moments, Will.]

I had this coming. I blew my top and went off on this person in a way that was totally inappropriate. That person still sucks big fat f*cking rocks, but I was waaaaaay in the wrong.

[Please let me back in DUmmieland so I can post another hockey puck geopolitical theory. Please! PRETTY PLEASE!!!]

So you'll be kissing Skinner's arse, and get yourself unpizza'ed and coming back then eh?

David Tesler: Please don't f*cking test me, OK?

[Please don't take note of my pathetic groveling. Oh, and to Skinner... PUHLEASE LET me back into DUmmieland. I have no life outside of DUmmieland...and Bukowski's.]

[And now my favorite comment posted on Pitt's Facebook page mainly because it was posted by MEEEEEE!!!]

Thanx for the many laughs over the years, Will. You have provided comedy gold for the DUmmie FUnnies...including this thread which is being DUFUed.

Friday, May 07, 2010

Pitt gets a JOB! As a BOUNCER!

Will wonders never cease? Wee Willie Pitt has gotten a JOB! As a BOUNCER, no less! Remember Pitt's Bukowski buddy Ty the Bouncer? Well, Pitt has BECOME Ty the Bouncer! Trust-fund baby, pedagogue, pundit, press secretary, best-selling author, essayist, activist, ditch-stander-inner, indictment-scooper--now add BOUNCER to the résumé! Is there no LIMIT to this man's talents? Read about it here in this THREAD, "Do The Right Thing."

How the mighty have fallen! You see, once upon a time, Our Boy was a rising star in the progressive ranks. Pied Piper to the DUmmies, Wee Willie had attracted quite a following. But then came that fateful Fitzmas Day, May 12, 2006, when Journalist Pitt broke the scoop that the indictment of Karl Rove was already "sealed" and ready to be revealed "within 24 business hours." Well, the clock is still ticking on that one, and Pitt became the laughingstock of the internets. William Rivers Pitt, poster child for failed expectations.

So show some ID and proceed on in, as we enter the nightime domain of Will the Bouncer. Pitt and his pals are in Hand-Stamp Red, while the commentary of your humble guest correspondent, Charles Henrickson, is in the [brackets]:

Do The Right Thing

[Do the Write Thing. Please proceed, Will.]

For a number of years, the running joke about me among my friends was that, because I write for a living, I'm a bum.

[Imagine that!]

They didn't really mean it . . .

[ *muffled laughter* ]

and there was definitely a tinge of envy in their voices when they cracked on me about it. . . .

[A tinge of envy, right.]

after all, my commute to work is the 15 feet from my bed to my desk, and wearing pants is entirely optional. . . .

[Please, no word pictures, Will.]

These friends of mine are people who bust their asses for a living, as security guards and in hot restaurant kitchens and in windowless offices and in crowded classrooms and behind bar tops and pedaling bicycle rickshaws filled with inebriated low-tipping tourists back and forth between downtown hotels and Fenway Park. . . .

[Will Pitt, Friend of the Working Man.]

That all changed when the economy got eaten by a bunch of white-collar hedge fund bandits in Washington and New York.

[I see it coming: It's BUSH'S FAULT that Wordsmith Will had to go out and get a real job!]

I stopped hearing the jokes about my profession when my own financial security required I take a second job.

["A second job" = "one real job, far below my station"]

Since nobody anywhere was hiring anyone for anything. . . .

[Translation: Nobody in politics wanted to hire the Laughingstock of Fitzmas.]

I took the best gig I could find, which turned out to be bouncing at a bar.

[Pitt was more used to falling down at a bar than bouncing.]

Several nights a week, I pushed away from my keyboard to stand outside a door on a frigid street in a black shirt and check IDs, throw out drunks and keep the peace, such as it was. The gig also involved hauling out garbage, sweeping up cigarette butts, dumping beer swill buckets, polishing tables and dragging dripping boxes of empty beer bottles out behind the building at the end of the night. The pay wasn't great, and my work on average wasn't done until 4:00 AM. . . .

[Cue world's smallest violin.]

but it was enough to make the difference between eating and not eating, and I've been at it ever since.

[Eating? From your recent pictures, I'd say so!]

The job is as blue-collar as you can get, which is nothing new for me.

[Will Pitt, poet, longshoreman, philosopher. . . .]

I had my first job before I was ten years old . . .

[. . . boring my fifth-grade teacher with my "themes."]

Growing up, I never had less than two jobs. . . .

[That all changed when I turned 25 and started living off the trust fund.]

I've cleaned septic tanks, served ice cream. . . .

[Eewwww on the juxtaposition!]

and for one memorably nightmarish season, sold men's underwear. . . .

[Did the men object to having their underwear sold?]

and then a full-time writer, which I suppose you could define as "no collar" to go along with "no pants."

[No underwear either, I suppose.]

I'd been in my own cushy writing bubble long enough to forget what sore feet and long nights feels like at the end of a week. . . .

[Those several hours spent standing in the ditch in Texas, battling the fire ants--oh, it seems so long ago. . . .]

The best part about my night job is that most everyone who goes there to drink works very, very, very hard for a living.

[Unlike me.]

A great many of them smoke. . . .

[I try to get up close to their clothes and take a whiff.]

and since Boston banned butts in bars. . . .

[Butts in Bars: The Ben Burch Story]

I get to spend a great deal of time talking to the customers out on the sidewalk . . .

[. . . before they run away.]

in a very weird and interesting way, I have become something of an informal pollster on the issues of the day. It is a wildly unscientific process, to be sure, given that the people I "poll" are at least partially if not fully in the bag, and that our conversations tend to last only as long as it takes them to choke a butt. . . .

[Very weird and interesting, Will. . . . *muffled laughter* ]

The short version of my "findings" boils down to this: people are pissed off and scared.

[It would help if you wouldn't talk their ears off, Will.]

They've watched their jobs, futures and family security explode like the Hindenburg . . .

[. . . while Will sails along like Balloon Boy in mid-flight.]

if the politicians who have thus far failed to get this done were on fire in front of them, they wouldn't piss on them to put them out.

[A common image for a bouncer, I guess.]

So, screw my writing, my political analysis and my cushy little no-collar perspective.

[You can do that on your own, Will.]

This is the bouncer talking. . . .

[This is the beer talking. . . .]

This push for financial regulation and reform that's about to happen had better be the real deal, had better have some big sharp teeth, and had better include putting some fat Wall Street fillet-mignon asses in prison . . .

[. . . or you'll have WILL THE BOUNCER to deal with!]

I am here to tell you, the view from the sidewalk is nothing but livid little people. . . .

[Will Pitt, Friend of the Little People.]

I'd say more, but I can't right now. My night job is expecting me.

[Hooray for the night job! . . . Now to the Pitt crew . . .]

You make it live, my dear make it live.

[DUmmie CaliforniaPeggy, Will Pitt groupie, first in line, and again with the "my dear Will." How many times do we have to tell you, CaliforniaPeggy, Will is now a MARRIED MAN!]

Such vivid, strong writing. . . .

[From such a vivid, strong MAN! . . . Stop it, CaliforniaPeggy!]

Your glimpse of this world is priceless!

[You make the street scene COME ALIVE, my dear Will! So authentic, so gritty!]

Right on, Will Pitt.

[Signed, Will Pitt]

If I could piss gasoline, I'd piss on a few.

[Now playing: Urine Man II]

Well, blue-collar upbringing declares this one of the best pieces you've ever written.

[Tied for first.]

That was "lyrical" to read.

[That was "laughable" to read.]

A beer right now sounds good.

[May I see some ID?]

I think The Bouncer should write a book. A manifesto.

[Das Klientèle: A Bouncer Rubs Shoulders with the Little People]

I've read all of Will Pitt's books. . . .

[So YOU'RE the one!]

I've read all of Will Pitt's books. . . .

[Was this some sort of plea-bargain deal?]

Now if we all would agree on who to piss on maybe we could get something done.

[I see benburch with his hand up. . . .]

I feel the hot breath of financial ruin just behind me.

[That's just Will belching.]

You'll always be our Roadhouse Patrick Swayze!

[You'll always be our Bukowski's Keyser Söze!]

Will Pitt throwing drunks out of a bar?

[Taste the irony!]

I wish I had the guts to write. I remember sending PMs to Will and Larissa A. several years back looking for some advice on a writing career... It was always up to me to just do it, but even necessity is seemingly not enough to break me out of my torpor.

["Torpor"--that's a good start, if you want to become The Next Will Pitt.]

So You are working in the belly of the beast in Bean Town at a 'bar' that can afford to pay for a 'bouncer' sounds real blue collar.

[In the belly of the beast, man! Effin' A! Under the thumb of THE MAN, man! The little man just ain't got no CHANCE, man! Effin' A!]

What about ol' Bump? I had a couple cold ones with him last week. He was tellin me a story about some judge up noth, stole millions out of trust accounts, never did a day in jail. Said even the governor would'nt do nuthin' about it, 'cuz the people complainin' were the wrong sort of folks. Fairbanks, I think he said the judge's name was. And the judge was playin' the stock market with the money, with one of the Wall street big boys.

[Stories from the street. Real life, man.]

His ego is the bouncer on his posts

[Hee! Hee!]

Kick for THE MAN without pants. . . .

[Pantless Will Pitt, Friend of the Angry Drinking Puking Man.]

William, bouncer or teacher, white collar, blue collar or no collar. . . .

[William Pitt, Friend of Collared People.]

I find it disingenuous and tiresome, however, when a college-educated bestselling author picks up a job among the "little people" and then reports back what he's heard and speaks on their behalf.

[William Pitt, Friend of Fraud.]

Wednesday, May 05, 2010

Los DUmmies celebrate Cinco de Mao by cheering for "Los Suns"!

¡Hola! That's a little Spanish lingo there, for those of you in Rio Linda. It means "Hello!" Yes, today is Cinco de Mayo, the "Fifth of May," an excuse to eat at Mexican restaurants and drink margaritas, which is always a good thing. But for the DUmmies, of course, this day, like every day, is Cinco de Mao, a time to celebrate international socialism and everything anti-American.

The big buzz over in DUmmieland the past week or so has been the law passed in Arizona to crack down on illegal aliens. Now who could be against that? We're talking about ILLEGAL aliens, after all. The federal government has not been doing their job, and so Arizona, one of the states most directly affected by the flood of illegals, is simply doing their part to keep them out.

But of course this is not politically correct. The liberal establishment, and those afraid of the liberal establishment (read "boycotts"), have been quick to condemn the Arizona law. And so the NBA's Phoenix Suns have issued a statement opposing the law, and tonight their team will wear a "Los Suns" jersey, "to honor our Latino community," the owner said. "Los Suns" to honor Hispanics? That's rather ironic--and moronic, and macaronic--since, if you're going to do it in Spanish, it should be Los Soles.

So before we get to Los DUmmies, let's sing this salute to the PC Suns:

Tune: "By the Time I Get to Phoenix"

By the time they get to Phoenix, they'll be playing
They'll wear the shirts the Left gives 'em, brand new ones
We'll laugh when we read the odd linguistic saying
'Cause there ain't no phrase that comes out as "Los Suns"

By the time I stop for lunch, I'll have frijoles
A margarita too, before I'm done
But I'll still know that it should be "Los Soles"
Or better yet, just "Suns"

By the time I make out "Cinco," hold the "Mayo"
This PC diet is sticking in my craw
If they're illegal, just send 'em on their way home
No time is time to let 'em break the law

That's the last straw
When they break the law . . .

Well, leave it to Los DUmmies to take the wrong side, no matter the issue. Here they go again, in this
THREAD, "Suns to wear ‘Los Suns’ jerseys for Game 2."

So let us all don our sombreros and head on down to the Valley of the Stunned, where Los DUmmies' comments are in Revolución Rojo, while the commentary of your humble guest correspondent, Charles Henrickson, whose grandparents came over from Sweden as LEGAL immigrants, is in the [brackets]:

Suns to wear ‘Los Suns’ jerseys for Game 2

[Let's hope it's "LOSS Suns" for Game 2!]

The Phoenix Suns will wear “Los Suns” on their jerseys Wednesday

[Wouldn't that make them the New Jersey Suns?]

owner Robert Sarver said, “to honor our Latino community and the diversity of our league, the state of Arizona, and our nation.”

["The diversity of our league"??? Yeah, all those Mexican point guards and Caucasian-American power forwards. Right.]

The decision to wear the jerseys on the Cinco de Mayo holiday stems from a law passed by the Arizona Legislature and signed by Gov. Jan Brewer that has drawn widespread criticism from Latino organizations and civil rights groups that say it could lead to racial profiling of Hispanics.

[I understand Gov. Brewer's approval ratings have jumped 16 points in Arizona.]

President Barack Obama has called the law “misguided.”

[Of course. He can't even produce a birth certificate! . . . Now to comments from Los DUmmies . . .]

Los is Spanish. Suns is not Spanish.

[Legal immigration is legal. Illegal immigration is not legal.]

It's perfect Spanglish, though. Not like the Tealiban will know the difference.

["Tealiban"? Hey, in honor of Cinco de Mayo, today we in the Tea Party are changing our name to the "Tequila Party."}

Go Suns!

[Today the Moonbats are changing their name to "Los Sunbats."]

Now I wish the Spurs would wear their Los Spurs jersies

[Those jerseys are rather spurious, too.]

WTG for Los Suns.....not a Suns fan, but I am a Steve (Esteban?) Nash fan.

[When "Loss Suns" lose tonight, I hope there will be weeping and Nashing of teeth.]

Have you ever heard of Cinco de Mayo?

[Have you ever heard of Hold de Mayo?]

los Mets have been doin this for a while.

[They're trying to appeal to the New Jersey fans.]

other teams from cities like Los Angeles are doing this every day on their normal uniforms!

[So to honor the Anglo community, shouldn't the Dodgers sometimes wear jerseys that say "The Angels"?]


[¡Ole! . . . as in "Sven and ¡Ole!"]

Viva Los Sons!

[¡Viva la Revolución!]

Why not "Los Sols" I wonder?

[When in DUmmieland, I need "Lysols."]

I love me some Suns!!

[I love me some margaritas!!]

I hate the Suns


Steve Nash just spoke out against the law. . . .

[The guy's a lousy lib Canuck. Who cares? Oh, btw, he got papers?]

I am now a Suns fan.

[You are now a Moon bat.]

That is nothing but pandering, and to me is insulting. This is coming from corporate PR people, probably all gringos.

[How do you say "Kewpie Doll" in Spanish? 'Cause, DUmmie CLANG, you just won one!]

you know. i think i need to take that back.

[Sorry, DUmmie CLANG, all Kewpie Doll decisions are final. Now prepare for your tombstoning.]

They do sell the "Los Suns" Steve Nash jersey. . . .

[Translation: "Lo$ $un$." As always, follow the pesos.]