Sunday, February 01, 2009

White House Conference Call Transcript

(It is early morning in the very recent past. A conference call which has become a daily ritual for over 15 years is taking place between White House Chief of Staff, Rahm Emanuel, James Carville, Paul Begala, and George Stephanopoulos of ABC's This Week.)

EMANUEL: #@$* YOU!!!

CARVILLE: How y'all doin'?

BEGALA: Good morning!

STEPHANOPOULOS: So what's the latest in talking points?


CARVILLE: But Rush is just an entetaynah!

BEGALA: Wrong, James. Rush Limbaugh is more than an just an entertainer. He is a serious threat to our agenda.

STEPHANOPOULOS: So how should I present Rush this Sunday? As a harmless entertainer or as a threat to the nation?

EMANUEL: #@$* LIMBAUGH!!! I'm gonna send him a dead fish in the mail!

CARVILLE: If he is so much of a threat then just bring back the Fayness Doctrine to Hush Rush.

BEGALA: It can't be so obvious. We can't call it the Fairness Doctrine. Perhaps we can just repackage it in another name but with the same get Rush off the air.

STEPHANOPOULOS: So I can say that the Fairness Doctrine won't be coming back this Sunday?

CARVILLE: Maybe we can kick off Hush Rush by removing him from Ahmed Forces Radio?

BEGALA: Good idea. The talking point will be that Rush, by attacking our beloved president, is sowing insubordination among the troops.

STEPHANOPOULOS: Slower so I can write down that talking point correctly.

EMANUEL: Rush Limbaugh...DEAD! Sean Hannity...DEAD! Laura Ingraham...DEAD! Michelle Malkin...DEAD! David Gergen...DEAD! ....Okay, just kidding about the last one.

CARVILLE: AHAHAHAHAHA!!! Who says you don't have a sense of humor, Rahm?

BEGALA: We have to neutralize Rush right now because we need some Republican support for our stimulus package.

CARVILLE: Yeah, that way if it fails, we can claim that Republicans voted for it too. Spread the blame around.

BEGALA: We can make Limbaugh the focal point of our attacks. Paint him as an extremist and suggest that Republicans shouldn't listen to him. Then when we get a few Republicans on our side with the stimulus vote, we can portray Limbaugh as irrelevant.

STEPHANOPOULOS: Should I make that just a plain extremist or right-wing extremist on Sunday's program? And should I wait until after the vote before claiming that Rush is irrelevant?

CARVILLE: This is a win-win situation for us. Rush loses his credibility and Republicans will become so frightened of being labeled as extremist that at least a few of them will come on board with the stimulus package. There is no way Rush can come out ahead on this.

STEPHANOPOULOS: But what if Rush finds out about this plan? And what happens if no Republicans in Congress support the stimulus package?

BEGALA: Not likely to happen. At least a few Republicans will support the package and how could Rush ever find out about our plan to marginalize him?

CARVILLE: Ah lahk it! We mahginalize Rush by claiming he is the spokesman for raght-wing extremism... Hey! Mary! How long y'all been standin' behind me?

EMANUEL: #^@$*!!!

BEGALA: Oops! We better sign off for today.

CARVILLE: Bye y'all!

STEPHANOPOULOS: So do you think it would be better if I refer to Rush Limbaugh as a spokesman for right-wing extremism or as a spokesperson for right-wing extremism? The latter sounds less sexist. Hello?...Hello?


Anonymous Anonymous said...

I just have to ask, is there anyone out there other than PJ who thinks this "satire" is funny? I have read it top to bottom and I couldn't identify anything even vaguely resembling humor. I must say, I have heard funnier fart jokes that are less juvenile than this screed. Keep up the good work, though. Between your efforts and those of Dennis Miller, the notion of “conservative humor” will always remain an oxymoron.


Mary Matalin

12:40 PM  
Blogger Paul Mitchell said...

Mary, what humor? This is hard-hitting journalism. It ACTUALLY happened.

1:38 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Great stuff! Mary and the other blue hairs don't see humor in a lot of funny things--she is more of a Honeymooners fan. ROFLMAO! Hey Mary if you like juvenile fart jokes just keep watching SNL or Will Ferrell movies--this stuff here is actually comical.

Matthew Richards

2:12 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Two Dogs,
I dunno, on the NewsBusters site, PJ cut and pasted this truly laughable effort at humor as a lesson to the Daily Kos on how to write great satire. In setting up this P.O.S., he opines:

“My idea is that comedy as a blunt instrument just doesn't work. The prime goal of good satire is to make people laugh and any "messages" are only secondary. By strange coincidence, your humble correspondent posted a satire earlier this morning on the DUmmie FUnnies before reading this "comedy as a weapon" post by this Kossack.”

He is correct that his idea of comedy doesn’t work and that he writes with a blunt instrument, but if good satire makes people laugh, the real secondary message here is that P.J. should give up trying to be a humble correspondent and perhaps seek a new career in small engine repair.

I’ll Get Back To Ya’,

Mary Matalin

2:33 PM  
Blogger Paul Mitchell said...

Mary, I agree with your assessment that there has never been anything intelligent or funny at Daily Kos. Good thing that we reached common ground.

So how do we stop Kos from being seriously unfunny and sandpoundingly stupid and unpatriotic?

2:38 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Two Dogs,

Speaking of common ground, I have two dogs, too! Now how’s that for a coincidence? You ARE Two Dogs and I HAVE two dogs. Wow! As in Bow Wow!!

What’s with PJ’s infatuation with me anyway? Does he think I can help him with his career, or something? Okay PJ, let’s give it a whirl. We conservatives need to put on a new face; something that will once again appeal to the common man. The average Joe has figured out that tax cuts for the wealthy only help the wealthy get wealthier. It took a while, but eventually even Joe Sixpack was able to figure out that mink don’t trickle down.

You need to find a way to help retool our political image. Satire clearly isn’t your strong suit, so perhaps you could get behind Sarah Palin’s ever emerging campaign. Help her work on her image. Tell her not to give news interviews in front of strange guys slaughtering turkeys, for example. Now that’s the ticket! Glad I could help.

Your conservative wet dream,

Mary Matalin

3:14 PM  
Blogger Paul Mitchell said...

Mary, thank goodness there are guardrails on the Craziness Highway, otherwise, you would be cleaning out both ditches.

3:50 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Two Dogs,
I have a funny joke that you might like. Warning: It is not PC.

A Native American girl asks her father, “Daddy, why did you and mommy name my baby brother ‘Silver Moon Rising?’”

Her father answers, “It is our tradition to name a newborn after the first thing the mother sees after giving birth. Why do you ask, Two Dogs Fucking?”

Ha! Now if only PJ could write jokes like that.


Mary Matalin

3:57 PM  
Blogger Paul Mitchell said...

Mary, I am Cherokee, therefore my name. I tried to remain anonymous by leaving out the final part of that name. You blew that for me, thanks.

4:01 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Two Dogs,

Let not your heart be troubled. You can marry and change your last name. A word of caution, though: don’t fall in love with any of the Lickingloins brothers.

Thank God my name ain’t Carville,

Mary Matalin

4:21 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I thought it was pretty funny. PJ nailed George. Keep it up.

4:36 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...


“PJ nailed George.”

I didn’t know PJ was a … was a … Oh My!

Crossing Myself,

Mary Matalin

4:43 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Well, George is a Greek, and they invented it.

5:35 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Well, George is a Greek, and they invented it.

5:35 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Not yet another closeted conservative BuFu buddy ... PJ, say it ain't so! And if you are, why do you want to spend six months on a deserted island with the marvelous Mary Matalin?


Mary Matalin

6:14 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Six months on a desert island with you? I understand the need to get away from your gargoyle husband and find a real man, but no, I have standards.

Give Bill Clinton a call.


6:33 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

"...but if good satire makes people laugh, the real secondary message here is that P.J. should give up trying to be a humble correspondent and perhaps seek a new career in small engine repair." mother mary

Listen, you little commie runt. The key word here is "humble". If not anything else, these dumbasses are humble and afraid. They're afraid of everything. Especially Democrats, Immigrants, Condoms and (pray for me, Father) gay marriage.

So instead of your glib "don’t fall in love with any of the Lickingloins brothers" type comment, why not try to empathize with their circumstances. For example, many of them often refer being stalked by mothers in their various basements. How would you feel, mary? How would you feel IF IT HAPPENED TO YOUR CHILD?

Understand? Welcome to the trenches mary.

1:54 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

“For example, many of them often refer being (sic) stalked by mothers in their various (sic again) basements.”

In whose world, Troglodyte? And don’t you ever refer to me as a ‘commie runt’ again! James already knows under which rock you live.


Mary Matalin

6:48 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

It is just me, or has anyone else noted that TROGLAMAN (The DUmmie FUnnies Official Anti-American Hate-Mongering Guttersnipe) has become an even more vicious hate-mongering guttersnipe after The Obamassiah became President? You'd have thought that he'd be happier, not more vile and vicious.

I find that curious and very distrurbing to see. Shows some SEVERE intellectual shortcomings that are not pleasant to observe.

10:09 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Louisiana boy here. Carville would probably pronounce it "FEHness" Doctrine, not "FAYness" Doctrine.

1:14 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...


We've dug a trench especially for you. We'll toss you in after your head explodes.

It'll be "Scanners" redux.

3:37 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

All this talk about "car czars," "bank czars" "stock exchange czars" -- won't be long before someone is screaming for a "czar czar."

Hayek was so right...

5:23 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

"Forgive me for anticipating them on a scale that they can't even comprehend. Isn't that right, Troggy?" corona

Who are you asking forgiveness from, corona? And who's "them"?

Why don't you see a priest, confess your sins and be done with it. I'm sure they'll forgive you (unlike the internet Satan you're flirting with, my friend) and every thing will be just fine.

I, troglaman comprehend your expressed need for forgiveness. I'd feel the same way if I were you. Once the meds kick in, you'll understand.

2:56 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

"And don’t you ever refer to me as a ‘commie runt’ again!" mother mary

I promise. Never again. Only elrond, ray, skully, corona, jerome, smitty, etc., shall ever be referred to as "commie runts". Or "rommie..." Never mind. Forget I even said that.

3:26 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Don't worry, tman. We always forget everything you say. No problem.

6:05 PM  

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