“The possible destruction of America” looms before Pitt and the DUmmies
Our regular DUFU Blogger-in-Chief, Mr. PJ-Comix, has come in out of the rain and is busy moving into stately DUFU Mansion down in South Florida. Therefore he has granted yours truly the rare and heady privilege of posting this special Guest DUFU! And it’s a DUzy! Our Favorite DUmmie, Pied Piper Pitt, has gotten up off the floor of Bukowski’s and hit the keyboard to launch this lengthy and laffable THREAD, “Hyperbole has become fact: Before us all looms the possible destruction of America.” Pitt is in fine foaming-at-the-mouth form, ready to accept the plaudits of his DUmmieland sycophants. So let us sit back (whether in or out of the cooling rain) and enjoy the rantings of Pitt and his DUmmies in Bolshevik Red, while the commentary of your humble guest correspondent, wondering how to get Li’l Beaver’s sign to read “Charles Henrickson,” is in [brackets]:
Hyperbole has become fact: Before us all looms the possible destruction of America.
[Hysteria becomes Pitt: Before us looms a possible PITTful of parody!]
No, the nation isn't going to blow up on Monday if the Democrats in Congress fail to follow through. We won't fly into space or be swallowed up by the Earth's crust.
[Whew! Thanks for telling me this, Pitt. I’ll cancel my End of the World party.]
No, everything will look exactly the same after America dies. But everything will be different.
[The Day When Everything Finally Became Different!]
America is nothing more or less than an amalgamation of ideas, rights and freedoms. But Americans, in truth, have only those rights they can protect.
[Teacher Pitt begins another lecture in American history. Pitt fits the definition of a teacher as “Someone who talks in our sleep.”]
A right is ink on a paper that has no force or power unless it is defended.
[A Pitt essay is electrons on a screen that has no end.]
The early outlines of the American idea came from the tyrannical rule of the Stuart Monarchs and their claim of absolute power. These were the people who came up with star chambers, detention without trial, and they obeyed no laws they did not want to.
[Blah-de blah-de blah. The Pitt and the Ponderous.]
Parliament was a joke to them. Sound familiar?
[Pitt is a joke to us. Sound familiar?]
The other guy who started the idea was John Locke. . . .
[Then there was William Pitt the Elder, William Pitt the Younger, and now, finally, William Pitt the Drunker.]
By declaring himself above and beyond the rule of law in this Executive Privilege thing, George W. Bush has committed the worst act of treason against this country in history.
[No, no hyperbole here! King George the Worst!]
He is attempting to shatter the rule of law, and if he does, America is gone.
[THE SKY IS FALLING! THE SKY IS FALLING!]
That's the deal for Monday. Oh, yeah, and they need to impeach this guy, Cheney, Gonzo, the ferns in the OEOB and the goddam water in the fountain on the White House lawn.
[Impeach ’em all! The off to The Hague and off with their heads!]
Game up, Dems. You can save the rule of law by obeying it, you can save the process by following it, and if you wimp out, it will be your treason as well.
[PITT CALLS OUT THE DEMS! Brave, brave Pitt! By sounding “radical” within the safe confines of DUmmieland, Wee Willie is trying to get back in the good graces his rabid DUmmie followers, yet without actually jeopardizing his real-world chances for a paying job with a Dem politician. In short, he’s trying to do a balancing act between being “Pied Piper Pitt” and “Will the Shill.”]
This is Stalingrad.
[This is DUmmieland.]
Not. One. Step. Back.
[Really. Tired. Writing. Device. Now let’s see if the DUmmies will dance to the Piper’s tune. . . .]
Thank you, Will You have said it and and said it so well. I persuaded you to go to Crawford in August of 2005. You have been a very loud and strong voice, you have demonstrated to journalists what it is to truly be one.
[Yes, Journalist Pitt, wearing his Midnight Cowboy outfit, endured long minutes of standing in a ditch and dealing with angry fire ants, before returning to his motel room. Pitt replies. . . .]
But I did walk right past Viggo "LOTR" Mortensen (sp?) while I was there...and by "right past," I mean we chucked shouders passing a tent, like two strangers on a New York street, except it was Crawford, and I own like five of his other non-Hobbit-filled movies, and yeah, I own them too, but I didn't recognize him even after he bumped passed me.
[Pitt has previously claimed, “I’m the place where celebrity worship goes to die.” Yeah, right, Will. Next you’ll be inviting Viggo to your bachelor pad in Boston, like you did with Kevin Spacey.]
If the Democratic Party fails now, it fails more spectacularly than Dubya, and that is pretty damned hard to do.
[A DUmmie in customary angrier-than-the-Dem-politicians mode. Score one for the Pied Piper. Pitt responds. . . .]
Be careful what you wish for. You might get it, love it, turn on it in two months because the process you fought to defend is too slow for your mood, attack the officials you helped to elect, undermine them, watch them lose in '08 and '12...and then work 18 hours a day to get back to that holding action, and maybe feel pretty f*cking dumb about killing your own allies. . . .
[Now Pied Piper Pitt reverts to being Will the Shill, defending cowardly Dem politicians.]
. . . especially if you're pro-choice and stuff, because Graal The Eater of Bloody Snotballs (D-Hell) becomes chairman of the GOP's SCOTUS nominee-search committee as the step-downs loom, and they nominate three Justices who think life begins at the boner but ends at the grunt, and wet spots make the Baby Jesus cry, and you'll see Pelosi watch all this fresh new gotta-make-Will-work-20-more-years-to-fix-it hell unfold, you'll watch her watch this with no gavel power or committee chairmanship or Senate allies or any real power to stop it, and you'll think, hmm, maybe winning isn't all that bad...
[Killing babies is so important you MUST vote for Democrats, no matter what! Now back to the Dummies . . . .]
I think that this new tack of simply being told what is not possible will not wash with the voters, all of whom saw Katrina.
[Is that you, Brian Williams?]
If it is possible to spend a longer term of engagement than WW2 dancing around with our d*ck in the lightsocket. . . .
[Is that you, benburch?]
Bush now states it unambiguously, like Cagney leaning out the upper story window and yelling "Come and get me, coppers!" that his DoJ cannot be used against him, in effect, 'l'etat, c'est George Bush.'
[L’moonbat, c’est DUmmie.]
Karl has broken several of his own techniques from over use.
[The Weather Machine is in the shop for repairs.]
Voter fraud is dead.
[Diebold, we hardly knew ye!]
Is there any way to return to traditional American governance under the constitution without due process against the members of PNAC and the Rovians?
[DUmmie realpolitik is on a roll! I vote for “PNAC and the Rovians” as my favorite new band name.]
Does this mean you are on the impeachment train?
Impeachment is "off the table". . . .
[Pitt is “on the floor.”]
Ten bucks says 20 GOP Senators cross the pond. . . .
[Pitt is only $10 away from winning an impeachment bet.]
GOP Senators support war in '03/get ugly in '04/get GOP smug/"political capital"/pro-Iraq polls dwindle/f*ck/sh*t/midterms '06/Conrad Burns lost???/In f*cking Montana????/No more majority???/Where's my vagina?/Where did you leave it?/Hey, anyone see a vagina on someone's face around here should find Camille in 3...2...1...
[Pitt starts to ramble incoherently. Must be closing time at Bukowski’s.]
...or you can go to bed, wake up knowing we've only gotten back to zero per Saturday time, get back to work, die 60+ years later with the rest of us and work unfinished, and why were you reborn as billy goat, you munch grass, pee, poop, munch grass again, stand on ground, die, return as some other dude seeking goatish wisdom...His name is Bzltrfgfghqwdr, but the spelling is "rfgfgh"...straight on out?
[Will, seek professional help. I’m series.]
We're all dead, sooner or later, and nobody should be in this fight for the gratification of grandstanding (as I was, for a bit, giving speeches and rallies and campaign appearances like mad, until I'd traveled 100,000 miles with 300,000 left to go), and no, you don't ever want to be famous, and P.S. D-List f*ckwads like me only get the groupies for the groupies who mow the lawns of the groupie's groupies, so basically I'd rather gnaw my own balls off than have anyone outside my immediate sphere know my name. Oh, wait, it's WilliamPitt, my actual name! Hee.
It is the "William Pitts" of Bloggerville that will change peoples' thinking.
[It is the "William Pitt" of DUmmieland that will change his own thinking.]
. . . on the impeachment bandwagon...but TIME IS OF THE ESSENCE!
[It’s now or never!]
This is SERIOUS...
[This is FUNNIE!]
Mr. Pitt, when will it be up at Truthout?
[In 24 business hours.]
I watched V for Vendetta last night. . . . I am ready to don the mask.
[Man, the jokes just write themselves!]
You're one of the best out there, Will. Keep it up! (have you ever thought about, y'know... well, running for office?)
[How about School Superintendent of Newton?]
Might as well start fitting Chimpy for a crown. . . . Sorry to be such a downer but I've pretty much given up now.
[BOW before Our Glorious Emperor, Chimpus Khan!]
Apologies for typos, I'm drinking heavily.
[Believe it or not, this was NOT Pitt.]
[THIS was Pitt.]
This is your moment, Will Pitt. The one we all knew was your destiny. The time when your talent would be the tea in the harbor.
[Or the pee in the bucket.]