Spicing Up Brian Williams' Boring Blog

I got the idea for today's somewhat offbeat DUFU edition while shopping for steak and beer at Winn Dixie a few hours ago. I was in the middle of making my brewski choice (Yuengling today for those who are curious) when suddenly this thought hit me: Does Brian Williams ever do his own shopping? And if he does, what is the reaction of other people in the supermarket? I'm sure if Brian Williams had been in the same Winn Dixie as me, people would stare at him surreptitiously. Eventually someone would be unable to contain himself or herself and approach Brian Williams. I mean how often do we see a celeb in a supermarket (I once saw writer Harlan Ellison in an L.A. Hugh's supermarket working himself into an outraged frenzy over whatever it was he was reading on the cereal labels)? After the first person breaks that barrier, I bet a whole crowd of really annoying people would latch on to Williams just to "get a piece" of that celeb aura. Actually this is something I would enjoy reading about in Brian Williams Daily Nightly BLOG aka the DAILY DULLY. Unfortunately what we get is a blog sanitized of anything resembling of a real sweating human being resulting in an incredibly dull read. Just how yawn inducing Brian's Blog is can be seen in the sparsity of the comments. Here you have a national news anchor and the most reaction it gets is just a handful of mostly insipid comments. Even my DUFU blog, both on Blogspot and, especially, in the Free Republic gets a lot more commentary than a famous celeb anchor. So where are my buku bucks? More importantly, where are my groupies? The biggest problem with Brian's blog is that it just doesn't seem real. One gets the feeling he is holding back his TRUE feelings. Instead it sounds like a bland sales pitch to watch his NBC show. I realize that Williams' can't be expected to post what he really thinks about politics (hates EVIL rightwing Republicans who heartlessly did nothing about helping poor Katrina victims) but at least he can be more REAL in his opinions on other matters in the interest of making his blog readable. Therefore, as a public service, the DUmmie FUnnies is going to DUFU Brian Williams' blog in an attempt to spice it up. First will be posted excerpts from Brian's recent ennui inducing blog entries in Bolshevik Red followed by the commentary of your humble correspondent, who will be channeling the HUMAN version of Mannequin Williams, in the [brackets]:

I just came back from accomplishing something of a career goal: I just taped a segment for Sesame Street...

[Annoying screaming kids drooling all over my sleeves on the Sesame set...]

How can the rest of the day not feel like a bit of a letdown? Having been loyal members of the Sesame Street family while raising our kids -- appearing on the show is an honor. Then again, so is my day job...

[How can I not take shots of Wild Turkey for the rest of the day trying to forget that Big Bird ever existed? And you can forget about me posting the obligatory hype about how WUUUUNDERFUL my show is.]

Today's agenda includes the President's arrival for the G-8, and the background for the talks which has been laid out in part by Putin of Russia. We'll also look at the troop "surge" in Iraq and some of today's domestic developments: including the story we could banner "FREEZER BURN" -- the man famous, post-Katrina, for the cash that was found in the freezer of his Louisiana home -- is under indictment. Congressman William Jefferson has been pursued vigorously by investigators, who just held a press event to explain the 100-page indictment.

[Today's agenda includes explaining how a Democrat could be corrupt since I keep not so subtly hinting that the EVIL rightwing Republicans are the ones who don't care about the Katrina victims.]

After arriving at 2 a.m. back in New York from our trip to Chicago (hint: O'Hare, American, LaGuardia, broken-down air transportation system and the soft bigotry of low expectations) and following some emergency dental work this morning (always awesome), my goal tonight is to get on and off the air without incident (talk about low expectations).

[Lazy ass sloooow airlines! I've got a toothache that's killing me and all I get are delays. Screw this regular guy routine concerned about his carbon footprint. From now on I fly on private chartered flights. Thousands of gallons of burning extra jetfuel is worth it if it means not having to fly with the ordinary shlubs!]

Two hours from airtime and a dark air mass has just rolled in off Lake Michigan, dumping rain on the beautiful skyline of Chicago. As I just told the afternoon host on WLS Radio, we need everyone here to hope for clearing right as we go on the air, so we can show off this beautiful city for all it's worth. Right now, the radar is showing a bad storm in Joliet and an even bigger one in Kankakee, which doesn't bode well for us. Between the deluge of cicadas here (our closing story tonight) and the sudden downpour -- Chicago is throwing us challenges today. We will rise to the challenges and conquer.

[All this show prep only to be rained on. You know what? To HELL with Chicago! Next outdoor broadcast will be from a beach in Maui complete with a deluge of hot hula chicks.]

I spent the afternoon at our NBC Station here, WMAQ-TV -- much of it with two of my absolute favorite local anchors anwhere in the country: Warner Saunders and Allison Rosatti..

[I wasted another afternoon chit-chatting with a couple of local anchors going nowhere.]

I also saw my friend Bob Sirott of WMAQ's anchor staff (a great broadcaster and former CBS Newser) and I was stunned at how much he's aged.

[I also saw my friend Bob Sirott and the guy looks like he's ready to be planted in granny's garden. But, hey, that's what excessive boozing and smoking will do to you.]

The expression "worst nightmare" does indeed come to mind when you read the details of the virulent case of TB in the news.

[The expression "schwing alert" does indeed come to mind when staring at the hot wife of the TB guy.]

Tonight we'll look at the detective story behind it and the ramifications of it ... and we'll see if that expression is warranted.

[Tonight we'll have some glorious closeup shots of the breasts of the TB guy's wife as they bulge so seductively against her white dress. Va-va-VOOM!!!]

We're in Boston with beautiful views of the Green Monster, the Charles River, M.I.T., and of course the Citgo sign.

[We're in Boston thanx to my moron producer who forgot about booking us into Maui. Instead I'm staring at a Citgo sign. Whoopee.]

This morning's journey here was an odd confluence: on board the shuttle, I was reading the astounding piece this morning in the Wall Street Journal -- about how air travel is actually slowing down -- meaning: the extraordinary delays now built into the system.

[And what happened to my private charter flight? Hey, I'm only one of the big network anchors. Hello? Can you cheapskate producers hear me?]

So I just scanned the big Internet stories today, and they include Senator Schumer getting treated for a tick bite, Senator McCain's swipe at Senator Obama, the President getting hit by bird poop during yesterday's Rose Garden news conference, and a Brit who has set the record for going without sleep.

[So I just scanned the big Internet porn sites today and they include hot hula Maui chix, nekkid Maui hula chix, and a hula chick who has set the one day record for going without sex in Maui. Oh, and I'm still waiting for that Maui trip to appear in the broadcast schedule.]

Also tonight we will feature an interview I conducted with Lee Iacocca this week. The Chrysler sale had us thinking of him -- you may be interested to see this icon in winter on our broadcast tonight.

[You might be thinking of that ugly cigar chomping guy but my thoughts will be on the hula skirts.]

Back from South Carolina -- a great time spent with some great folks. I returned to New York to have my first meeting -- as a co-worker -- with a guy I've known and admired and respected for a long while: the former editor of Newsweek Magazine, Mark Whitaker. Mark is one of the biggest names in contemporary journalism, and he is our new Senior Vice President here at NBC News.

[Let's see. Mark Whitaker was an editor of Newseek magazine and is now Senior Vice President here at NBC News. Take one guess what his politics are. It doesn't take a genius to figure this one out.]

The hurricane forecast is out for the coming season. Given how much the recent history of this shop and this newscast is tied to a single hurricane, we must all hope the forecasters are wrong.

[I need to overcome my disappointment over no Katrina type stories last year featuring uncaring Republicans.]

I must hasten to add: they could not have been more wrong last season -- in the post-Katrina year when we NEEDED them to be. We'll have reports on various elements tonight, including the forecast and the current drought.

[The weather folks were WRONG in last year's forcast but we will continue to hype the long range Global Warming forecast. BTW, what are the chances of doing some pre-hurricane coverage from Maui?]

It was a jam-packed weekend that got off to an emotional start. Tulane University honored me by having me as their commencement speaker (no pressure: last year's co-speakers were Presidents 41 and 42) and we had a wonderful, sparkling Saturday in New Orleans.

[I told the Tulane graduates to get a big bucks job hyping how heartless Republicans were about Katrina and then retire with a huge pension to Maui and smoke a Wowie.]

The highlight of the flight here was discovering that Roberta Flack sat in the row behind mine...not EXACTLY behind my seat...that passenger, unfortunately, chose to kill me softly with his tray table, which he must have raised and lowered 50 times after takeoff.

[EARTH TO CHEAPSKATE NBC PRODUCERS!!! WHERE ARE MY PRIVATE CHARTER FLIGHTS SO I DON'T HAVE TO BE TORTURED BY SHLUBS?]

The broadcast will originate from the New Orleans Convention Center tonight. I'm pretty sure there was a time when I thought I'd never set foot in this place again -- either due to personal vow (because of what happened here) or its mere existence: remember, there were rumors and rumblings after Katrina that this place and the Superdome would both be closed down. Now its home to a jewelry trade show...and as I write this, vendors are carting their wares in from the street, and a piano is playing on the convention display floor. It's been 20 months since people died in this building.

[Roberta Flack sat behind me on the flight and I never tire of flacking the Katrina story over and over again along with its between the lines script of how heartless Republicans ignored the poor victims... and as I write this a ho' almost as skanky as Paris Hilton is peddling her wares from the street.]

Because sometimes you just can't get enough travel, I'll be brief today because we're preparing for our next trip. Tomorrow night we'll originate from New Orleans -- what I'm told will be our 13th return trip since our coverage of Katrina close to 20 months ago.

[Because we can't get enough of beating the Katrina story and the heartless Republicans to death, tomorrow night we'll originate from New Orleans -- what I'm told will be our 130th return trip down there since our flacking of Katrina close to 20 months ago.]

Trivial fact of the day: not one room inside 10 Downing street is air conditioned. The heat is so uneven, there's a space heater in the Prime Minister's office.

[Trivial fact of the day: the only thing worse than the British home heating system is their utterly tasteless food.]

Tonight's broadcast will feature not a prime minister but a former president: Bill Clinton is, as of now, scheduled to spend a few minutes of live television time with us tonight to discuss his climate change initiatives (which he's unveiling today along with New York Mayor Mike Bloomberg).

[Bill Clinton is scheduled to talk climate change with us. Specifically climate change in Maui. His solution? Put some ice on it.]

We've asked a number of experts what the year 2017 might look like...what technology and medicine and education might be like in a decade.

[We've asked a number of experts what porn tech in 2017 might look like...if someone, say in New York, could have virtual sex with a hula girl from Maui.]

I will close the broadcast with some great past predictions that we've discovered.

[I will close the broadcast with some great past predictions about global cooling that Newsweek made not so long ago.]

Our news writer Chris Colvin is a verified Internet and blog junkie, which is why we’ve tapped her to share in this space some of her favorite Internet content.

[Our news writer Chris Colvin is a verified Internet and blog junkie, which is why I am demanding she post in this space a link to the DUmmie FUnnies. It is full of vicious rightwing propaganda but, hot damn, it is FUnnie! I laugh so hard that I have to change my Depends every time I read that blog.]

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