Tuesday, September 28, 2010

Hey, DUmmie! Get off my lawn!

The DUmmies are coming! The DUmmies are coming! Well, one of them, at least. DUmmie struggle4progress is coming to a porch near you, going door to door to beg for votes for progressive candidates. Good luck with that! For every welcoming "We're so glad to see you," there are likely to be ten Walt Kowalskis saying, "Get off my lawn!"

But DUmmie struggle4progress is a real DUACo, embodying the spirit of the DUmmie Activist Corpse. Most DUmmies just sit in their mother's basement and pound out posts to their fellow DUmmies, but this guy gets out there and DOES something! Not that it will help much, when you're selling a bag of crap and calling it a pot of gold. But at least he's trying, as he recounts in this
THREAD, "I ring the bell, step back off the porch so I'm not crowding the door, and begin my silent count."

So grab your shotgun and head to the front door, where the DUmmies' pamphlets are in Bolshevik Red, while the commentary of your humble guest correspondent, Charles Henrickson, who can see November from his porch, is in the [brackets]:

I ring the bell, step back off the porch so I'm not crowding the door, and begin my silent count. . . .

[If the name on the mailbox says "Kowalski," you might want to keep backing up.]

one thousand, two thousand, three thousand ...

[Counting the number of turndowns you'll get today?]

Nobody answers.

[They're hiding, waiting for you to go away.]

So I glance at my clipboard and start walking to the next address. . . . I pass a house, and another, and then there's a yell: Yes? What is it?

[Are you a census taker? Fuller Brush man? Mormon? Jehovah's Witness?]

He's finally answered the bell. . . . I shout back I'm a volunteer for the Dems. . . .

[Yuk! Worse than a JW!]

I stroll back near the porch, and explain who I'm looking for. Truth be told, I actually have no idea how to pronounce his name. . . .

[Ko-wal-ski. Walt Kowalski.]

He listens. Asks me to repeat a few things. Yes, he'll definitely vote and vote Democratic.

[This is where the fiction begins. . . .]

You got me, he adds.

[Short for "You've got to be kidding me!"]

It's not all wine and roses on the street, of course.

[On DUmmieland it's mostly whine and poses.]

Half an hour later, I'm driving up a dirt road looking for one house. . . . I've barely closed the car door when a guy comes out and hollers from the porch . . .

["Get off my lawn!"]

This, somehow, does not make his day; in fact, he becomes agitated and unhappy: Democrats? No thanks! Get out of here!

[A theme to be magnified by millions come November. . . . Thank you, DUmmie struggle4progress. Now let's hear from your fellow DUmmies . . .]

Thank you !

[Thank you for doing the work that we lazy DUmmie slacktivists aren't willing to do.]

God bless you & good luck to you. I can't do tat kind of volunteer work. . . .

[Gaia bless you! Me, I'm too busy playing Farmville to leave the basement.]

here in north Ga, I could go for days...weeks...without ever hearing anyone smile and say YES, I'm voting Dem!

[Guess what? It's spreading.]

You're doing God's work.

[If your God is . . . oh, I don't know . . . SATAN?!]

How completely inspirational. You're motivating me.

[I think I'll stop playing Farmville and . . . write a LETTER TO THE EDITOR! Woo! DUAC! DUAC!]

Get out there and meet some folk. Wear out some shoe leather. . . .

[Get out there and wear out some folk. Meet some shoe leather. . . .]

I'd love to stuff envelopes or do any kind of (non-programming) computer or other office work for a Dem, but they claim to need only phone bankers or canvassers, and I am entirely incapable of being either of those things.

[Basically, you're just entirely incapable. But that's the old DUAC spirit! What drive! What initiative!]

I sure hope some of the more composed DUers will get a spark of enthusiasm from this.

[It only takes a spark . . . to get a fire going. . . .]

In one neighborhood I walked earlier this week . . . a few people tooted and waved when driving by. . . .

[Was it a wave or a one-finger salute?]

My wife has been walking our District for the last couple of months. . . .

[Well, it IS a tough economy, I know, but still. . . .]

These feel like those Infiniti ads from the 90's.

[These are Insaniti ads.]

Sowing the seeds that will lead to Victory.

[Which reminds me: Back to Farmville!]

Truly an activist.

[DUmmie struggle4progress, you're a real DUACo! Now get off my lawn.]


Anonymous Anon 1:50 said...

Yet another fake "I'm a noble Progressive, shining brightly with truth, love and purity, fighting against the eeeeeevil Chimpy McBu... er... Rethuglican hordes! Love me! Love me! Love me!"

These fantasists and their fictions are getting really repetitive.

Does anyone actually 'buy' this junk?

4:37 AM  
Anonymous PB said...

note to PJ: I expect you to stay up late on election night, posting DUFU after DUFU.

I may take the next day off of work just to sit home and read and laaaaaaaagh ....

6:47 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Oddly enough it is legal to shoot someone on your porch here in North Carolina. I don't recommend it, just saying.

10:19 AM  
Anonymous Elrond Hubbard said...

Unitentional irony alert

Sez "napi21":

"My hubby & I are both voting for all the Dems on the Ga. ballot...but the rest of this state are extremely closed minded Pubs..."

Haven't had any Democrat political canvassers at my door, yet. I've always been polite when they've appeared in past elections, but then none of them had an attitude like troglaman's.

1:57 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

"Well, it IS a tough economy, I know, but still. ."

ROFL! Those were some funny comebacks. Had me laughing.

11:33 PM  

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