Wednesday, June 02, 2010

Fat, unemployed DUmmie admits, "i have officially lost my mind"



Sometimes stereotypes get that way for a reason. Meet DUmmie keroro gunsou--fat, unemployed, living at home with his parents--in other words, your typical DUmmie. The guy can't get a job in "graphic design" (read, "comic books"), so now El Tubbo is thinking of going into cooking! But he's not sure how Mom & Dad will react. Read about it here in this THREAD, "i have officially lost my mind."

So be careful walking down the basement stairs and don't trip over the pizza boxes, as we enter the world of Comic Book Guy come to life, in Graphic Design Red, while the commentary of your humble guest correspondent, Charles Henrickson, wondering if Wee Willie Pitt could give keroro gunsou some advice, is in the [brackets]:

i have officially lost my mind

[Oh, it's official now?]

i've been unemployed since last november.

[Bush's fault!]

the first two weeks were cool.

[The next 26 were even better.]

slacked off . . .

[Imagine that!]

caught up on my tv . . .

[DUmmie keroro gunsou can multitask: Post on DU, watch TV, and play a video game, all at the same time.]

played lots of WoW.

[World of Workless.]

but after that, it got old.

[TV is now into summer reruns.]

i'm still getting my benefits and food share . . .

["Food share"?? What is that, you get a portion of the back yard for grazing??]

but the one thing i am not getting is a freakin' job.

[Call Obama.]

the field of graphic design is over-saturated in the midwest.

[Translation: They won't hire me at the local comic book store.]

so i've decided to go back to school. i'm going back to school to hopefully become a chef.

[Papa John's can get old.]

i am planning on getting a 2-year degree from my local tech school, along with a cert in baking and pastry making. after that, i will hopefully land SOME type of work that will allow me to move and finish up a 4-year bachelors in culinary arts.

[Let's see, that would be a total of . . . six years of school, wouldn't it, DUmmie keroro gunsou?]

now for the problem: my parents.

[Ah, now I'm beginning to see. . . .]

granted i am an adult, but they were cool enough to let me move back in after my job went boom and are helping with my bills.

[OK, I'm getting the picture now. . . .]

i am expecting one HELL of a fight from them, since i'm overweight, they'll give me the "you're too fat" or "it's a bad idea, all that temptation," types of arguements. . . .

[Or, do you think it COULD have something to do with supporting your fat ass for SIX YEARS of schooling? You know, "There goes our retirement!"]

plus, before i switched to graphic design, i took a class in basic cooking and failed it. . . .

[Mm, maybe not the best career choice.]

ok i was young and stupid, now i'm old, and hopefully less stupid.

[Naah.]

advice, vibes, or alcohol is appreciated at this point. . . .

[Go play World of Warcraft and forget the whole thing. Sounds like you've got a good gig going. Don't want to rock the boat. But let's see what your fellow DUmmies have to say . . .]

My dear keroro gunsou. . . .

[CaliforniaPeggy checks in. Since Pitt got tombstoned, she needs to find a new object for her "My dear" fantasies. You're it.]

I don't think you've lost your mind at all. It sounds to me as though you've taken a hard, long look at your prospects, and come up with a plan.

[She says that to all the guys.]

I think that your parents might well acknowledge your passion and not get in your way.

[Especially since you're about as big as a bungalow.]

People do learn and grow, and I think you have.

[You've grown to over 350 pounds.]

Just tell them what you want to do, and why.

[What do I want to do? Sit in the basement, eat chips, and play WoW. Why? It beats working! . . . Back to keroro for a second . . .]

my dad will be an easier sell than my mom, she's already disappointed at what a f***ing mess my life is.

[And now imagine when she invites the canasta gals over and she has to explain YOU!]

I have no idea how to soften the blow, but I can send lots of vibes!

[White light, positive thoughts!]

I'm a longtime restauranteur who has done lots of line work in my capacity as a owner and menu designer, and cook trainer. I cannot empahsize how important it is to be in good physical shape.

[keroro responds . . .]

round is a shape.

[Hee! Hee!]

Also, try and find a line position in a local restaurant. Lots of guys will train. You'll start out in pantry or salad, suate, stuff like that. Good practical experience.

[Sounds like too much work. DUmmie keroro gunsou is looking for a position that pays without working.]

ne keroro gunsou san!

[Glossolalia breaks out.]

ganbatte kudasai! Gokigen yo!

[Klaatu barada nikto.]

asahina-san, i can read hiragana you know

[DUmmie keroro gunsou is a big fan of Japanese anime, you know. As he's about to tell us . . .]

if you made it to anime central this year, awesome. i work for con in hospitality. got to meet nabeshin, nazuka kaori, and yoshiki from X japan. all in all, the abuse i suffered was worth it....now, if i can just talk 'em into getting mashima hiro (fairy tail), oda-sensei (one piece), or mine yoshizaki-sensei (keroro gunsou) to come, i'll be able to die happy.

[DU, TV, WoW, chips, mashima hiro. . . . What more is there?]

fanime is this weekend. i've got friends there, and i staffed anime expo in 2k when they took over the anaheim disney... man do i have some stories for about that... ^_^;;;;;; i like anime central, it's close by.

[Life is good! Forget about that work stuff, keroro! Enjoy the moment! . . . But, let's hear from another DUmmie or two . . .]

my brother is almost 50 and still calls dad as if he is an atm machine. dad on fixed income, has been about sucked dry. who will take care of dad when needed? . . . i hope you can find a way of doing this independently as you can. . . . a different perspective that i am sure will piss off a few. sorry.

[Boo! Debbie Downer rains on keroro's parade.]

Does being a chef necessarily mean high-fat high sugar, unhealthy food? . . . I hate to eat out because its friggin impossible to get healthy vegetables.

[Chef keroro responds . . .]

small problem.... i like only the following vegetables: onions, peppers, peas, corn, potato.

[French fries qualify as a vegetable then? Yes!]

Good luck & good vibes!

[See you on WoW! . . . Back to keroro . . .]

living at home has sort of put me on an unwilling starvation diet, no thanks to my mom and her psychotic desire for me to be one of the skinny, beautiful people. . . . oh well, i figure my mom will StFU when i start bringing home all manner of pastries... right after she takes them away from me. long story...

[OK, I see now. Mom doesn't want you living at home because of the competition for the creampuffs!]

This is probably a rude and no doubt politically incorrect thing of me to say, but I don't care how delicious Mario Batali's food is, he looks very unhealthy: he's very heavy, he sweats a lot, and he wears shorts and disgusting crocs shoes. I honestly want whomever is preparing my food to look like they're not going to keel over of a heart attack at any minute or sweat into my soup.

[But think of it this way: If keroro becomes a chef, he can spit into the food of Rethug customers!]

This song has much light in it. You Light Up My Life - Debbie Boone. . . . I think much of life is like this song.

[Overblown and treacly?]

keroro, you're doing good - to heck with what your parents think. . . . I could kick some keroro parent ass. I'm a pro at parental ass-kickings; yes INDEED

[THAT's the DUmmie spirit!]

27 Comments:

Anonymous Corona said...

Does Obama have a Furrie czar yet? Sounds like Sir Thaddeus Cornbuckle could fill those shoes. And the room. And then some.

As for a chef career, I bet if he watched one episode of The Iron Chef he'd change his mind.

12:26 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Those poor, poor, parents. My sympathies.

6:24 PM  
Anonymous Shambhala said...

((shaking head))

Precisely how I imagine the DUmmies.
It'd be funny if it weren't so pathetic.

10:10 PM  
Anonymous Lonevoice said...

D'ye think that DU is actually a big-ass group of emo college freshmen highschool kids?!?!?

Those things on the the ends of your legs are FEET, dammit! Stand on your own and go do something productive!!

(rant over...)

10:18 PM  
Anonymous Lonevoice said...

oops! left the "or" out between freshmen and high school.

sheesh!

10:20 PM  
Anonymous ASTRA REED said...

Just one thing wanna tell really a intresting blog.. yea this is true it is hard to survive if we are overweight.. so we can reduce are weight with regular work out.. good job and great idea to share with..

12:14 AM  
Anonymous troglaman said...

"Sometimes stereotypes get that way for a reason. Meet DUmmie keroro gunsou--fat, unemployed, living at home with his parents--in other words, your typical DUmmie." PJinc

"The lowest divorce rates are largely in the blue states: the Northeast and the upper Midwest. And the state with the lowest divorce rate was Massachusetts, home to John Kerry, the Kennedys and same-sex marriage."

"In red states in 2001, there were 572,000 divorces … Blue states recorded 340,000 … In the same year, 11 red states had higher rates of divorce than any blue state … In each of the red states of Louisiana, Mississippi, and New Mexico, 46.3 percent of all births were to unwed mothers"

"The 5 states with the highest rates of alcohol dependence or abuse are red states … The 5 states with the highest rates of alcohol dependence or abuse among 12- to 17-year-olds are also red states … The per capita rate of methamphetamine-lab seizures in California is 2 per 100,000 … In Arkansas, it's 20 per 100,000"

"Residents of the mid-Atlantic region of New York, Pennsylvania, and New Jersey were the most likely to be sexually abstinent … Residents of the all-red West South Central region (Texas, Oklahoma, Arkansas, Louisiana) were the least likely … Five red states reported more than 400 cases of chlamydia per 100,000 residents in 2002 … No blue state had a rate that high … The per capita rate of gonorrhea in red states was 140 per 100,000 … In blue states, it was 99 per 100,000."

There's the facts...then there's the fiction.

(400 cases of chlamydia per 100,000?!!?? You fuckers rock)

1:02 AM  
Anonymous kayinmaine said...

"In each of the red states of Louisiana, Mississippi, and New Mexico, 46.3 percent of all births were to unwed mothers"

Those states are filled with spooks and redskins which drive them rates up!

10:13 AM  
Anonymous Sh said...

Residents of the mid-Atlantic region of New York, Pennsylvania, and New Jersey were the most likely to be sexually abstinent

What a crock of shit! Sorry asshole, I've lived in two of those states. If them bitches are abstinent, I'm the fucking Pope.

My God! i think PA's women's motto is "anywhere, anytime.. no time like the present"

10:57 AM  
Anonymous Elrond Hubbard said...

"Residents of the mid-Atlantic region of New York, Pennsylvania and New Jersey were the most likely to be sexually abstinent."

I don't doubt it, who would fuck 'em?

1:21 PM  
Anonymous troglman said...

"I don't doubt it, who would fuck 'em?" elrond

Especially when cousin Judy ready and waiting.

12:23 AM  
Anonymous troglman said...

"Those states are filled with spooks and redskins which drive them rates up!" kay

Got that right. And let's not forget about the illegals prairie-doggin themselves silly in Arkansas.

12:58 AM  
Anonymous Kirk Johnson said...

ROFL! Trogldork's pitiful attempt at statistics reminds me of that ol' "More Whites are on Welfare than Blacks" chestnut. So you remind them that, in a nation where whites outnumher blacks by at least 5-to-1, that outcome is entirely *expected*. But what happens when you adjust the numbers proportionately (normalization)?

[Hint: The leftards don't like the results!]

1:22 AM  
Anonymous troglaman said...

"What a crock of shit! Sorry asshole, I've lived in two of those states. If them bitches are abstinent, I'm the fucking Pope." Sh (shithead)

I think you're selling yourself short, shithead. I, troglaman, think you may succeeded in a world where many men fail...The Virginal World. Think about it...they were throwing themselves at you, dude. Statistically, some of them were VIRGINS!

You, shithead, are obviously a man of mischievous and unbridled passions. A man of power........(oh fuck).....a man who's skin glistens under the sun.... (jesus...damn you!!!!...must...reach...for...plug...

1:37 AM  
Anonymous troglaman said...

What are the results of your "normalization", Kirk? Don't keep us waiting.

1:45 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Seems someone is all upset over the Gore/Tippi separation (waaaaaaan). I'm going to assume Tippi was sick/tired and feeling guilty herself of the Goricle's non_stop environmental propaganda BS campaign and the mountain of wealth he's ripped off from the silly hypocritical green "liberals".

9:19 AM  
Anonymous Elrond Hubbard said...

trogs,

Your red state/blue state stats are meaningless, I could cite other stats that gainsay yours.

For example: "In each of the red states of Louisiana, Mississippi and New Mexico 46.3% of all births were to unwed mothers."

The minority populations of the three states are 32%, 38% and 42% respectively. 72% of Black births, 51% of Hispanic births and 28% of White births are to unwed mothers.
So I conclude the high unwed birth rate in the three states is due to the large minority populations (populations that overwhelmingly voted for Obama in 2008).

So what can we conclude? Nothing, my stats are as meaningless as yours in explaining red state/blue state voting patterns. Abstinence patterns for Gaia's sake, really, what do they prove?

BTW, the stats you quote have been floating around the Internet (in one form or another) since the 2004election; they were a pathetic attempt to console broken hearted blue staters.

1:12 PM  
Anonymous Elrond Hubbard said...

trogs,

Your red state/blue state stats are meaningless, I could cite other stats that gainsay yours.

For example: "In each of the red states of Louisiana, Mississippi and New Mexico 46.3% of all births were to unwed mothers."

The minority populations of the three states are 32%, 38% and 42% respectively. 72% of Black births, 51% of Hispanic births and 28% of White births are to unwed mothers.
So I conclude the high unwed birth rate in the three states is due to the large minority populations (populations that overwhelmingly voted for Obama in 2008).

So what can we conclude? Nothing, my stats are as meaningless as yours in explaining red state/blue state voting patterns. Abstinence patterns for Gaia's sake, really, what do they prove?

BTW, the stats you quote have been floating around the Internet (in one form or another) since the 2004election; they were a pathetic attempt to console broken hearted blue staters.

1:12 PM  
Anonymous troglaman said...

"The minority populations of the three states are 32%, 38% and 42% respectively. 72% of Black births, 51% of Hispanic births and 28% of White births are to unwed mothers.
So I conclude the high unwed birth rate in the three states is due to the large minority populations (populations that overwhelmingly voted for Obama in 2008)."

So the fuck what. What is it about the "minority populations" that freaks you out, elrond? What's so fucking scary?

Here's the deal, elrond. Us guys aren't the ones throwing this 'family values' shit around. Have you not known an unmarried white girl with a kid? They're a lot like unmarried brown girls with kids...yellow girls (who are hot) with kids, red girls with kids, and black girls with kids. They're all mostly in the same boat and not really all that scary.

And they're here. All of them. Including white teenaged pregnant evangelistic morons who find birth control abhorrent.

Once again you conclude "my stats are as meaningless as yours in explaining red state/blue state voting patterns".

That's exactly right.

1:04 AM  
Anonymous Elrond Hubbard said...

"So the fuck what."

Exactly, the stats you stated were as meaningless as the ones I stated. Voting patterns have little or nothing to do with divorce rates, teenage illegitimacy rates or Mid Atlantic state abstinence rates (and being from New York I resent your implications).

2:57 PM  
Anonymous DumbAss Tanker said...

Elrond, you should know by now that only troglastats matter to the troglaspammer, any contrary statistics or alternative hypotheses you raise in response to him are just going to roll off his back...usually eliciting some profanity in the process, of course.

3:01 PM  
Anonymous troglaman said...

"Voting patterns have little or nothing to do with divorce rates, teenage illegitimacy rates or Mid Atlantic state abstinence rates (and being from New York I resent your implications). elrond

The highest divorce rates are in red states. So are the highest incest rates. So are the highest alcoholism rates. Red states are on the take when it comes to federal assistance. They take more than they give. You can all thank California, New York, etc., for your food stamps.

That's the facts. Another testament to your hypocrisy...or voting patterns. Whatever.

3:19 AM  
Anonymous troglaman said...

"...usually eliciting some profanity in the process, of course." dumbass

Fuck you.

3:24 AM  
Anonymous Elrond Hubbard said...

"That's the facts."

Are they? I'm not going to bother fact checking your "facts" because they're meaningless when it comes to establishing voting patterns.

"You can thank California, New York, etc. for your food stamps."

California and New York, two states that are leading us down the fiscal black hole. Two states that lead the country in tax rates. Two states that are the least business friendly. Two states that are hemorhaging middle class entrepreneurs.

But hey, enjoy the $13 trillion deficit ($20 trillion + by 2020), your grandchildren (and mine) will be paying it the rest of their lives.

I think you inhaled too many lead vapors.

1:42 PM  
Anonymous troglaman said...

"I'm not going to bother fact checking your "facts" because they're meaningless when it comes to establishing voting patterns." elrond

You already fact-checked me. That's what I like about you. You'd have been on me like stink on shit if I'd fucked up.

You say "So I conclude the high unwed birth rate in the three states is due to the large minority populations (populations that overwhelmingly voted for Obama in 2008).

You unfailingly try to pretzel-logic these numbers into some sort of moral/racial equivalency pablum that, when eaten, numbs the mind. Besides that, if "minority populations" voted overwhelmingly for Obama, and he won...then that makes them the 'majority', right?

Stock up and head down to the bunker, elrond, before it's too late. Or you might want to head for the border (wouldn't THAT be ironic).

1:30 AM  
Anonymous Elrond Hubbard said...

trogs,

Your ability to ignore what I'm actually saying and raise specious counter arguements is impressive.

11:10 AM  
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1:22 PM  

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