Wednesday, January 20, 2010

Pretend Pundit Pied Piper Pitt: "Martha Coakley will win on Tuesday"

There is nothing that William Rivers Pitt loves more than putting on his Pretend Pundit cap and prognosticate as some sort of political insider for the DUmmies. We have seen this many times and Will inevitably ends up with egg on his face. Remember that courtroom somewhere in Ohio where lawyers for John ("I served in Vietnam") Kerry supposedly filed papers that would somehow overturn the 2004 presidential election? That was a Pitt "scoop." Oh, and Obama would have no problem getting ObamaCare passed because he "parked it" according to Pitt after one of his many boring speeches on the topic. This was soon followed by "he blew it" when no progress was made on ObamaCare. Of course, there is the biggest egg-on-the-face Pitt prediction of them all: the Karl Rove indictment on May 12, 2006. So on monday night when Pitt declared on this THREAD that "Martha Coakley will win on Tuesday" I felt pretty good because I knew then that it was in the bag for Scott Brown because of Pitt's perfect record for being erroneous.

If there is one thing that Pitt loves it is acting like some sort of insider as you can see in this followup THREAD, "HEADS UP: I got press credentials for the Coakley party tonight." Well, Pitt did his LIVE BLOGGING of the event which was followed by the inevitable I was wrong. So let us now watch Pretend Pundit Pitt Pontificate in Bolshevik Red while the commentary of your humble correspondent, predicting Pitt's continued career as a Web laughingstock, is in the [brackets]:

But first...a bonus song parody by DUFU co-conspirator Charles Henrickson, "But The Votes All Went Brown In Massachussets" based on Massachusetts by the Bee Gees:

Feel we've got a lock in Massachusetts
Since it's Teddy's seat, it must go blue
But the votes all went Brown in Massachusetts
They say we lost--I can't believe it's true

Tried to run and hide with Marsha Coakley
Thought there's not a thing she had to do
But the votes all went Brown in Massachusetts
They brought me down and now I'm black and blue

Talk about the loss in Massachusetts
Speak about how freakish it must be
But the votes all went Brown in Massachusetts
And massive losses come this fall I can see

I will remember Massachusetts . . .


Martha Coakley will win on Tuesday.

[Martha Coakley will win in 24 business hours.]

Bank it.

[And now Will wishes he could "Blank it."]

I am not as sanguine. hope you're right.

[Is the Mighty Will ever wrong?]

From your keyboard to God's inbox.

[Unfortunately it was diverted to Gaia's inbox.]

Why do you say that? Is that just a hunch? Most of recent polls show her falling further behind.

[Will says that because he loves to play pretend pundit for the DUmmies in the sandbox.]

Most of those polls are crap. Watch the Globe's numbers.

[Which numbers, Will? The real numbers or the fake numbers they published yesterday?]

1. Dems outnumber Repubs 3-1 in MA.

2. Brown's best hope was low turnout. Thanks to all the national attention, they're expecting turnout to be at or around 70%. That's absurdly high for an off-year election.

[The turnout was high AND Brown won big. So much for a PITTiful analysis.]

from your lips....

[...to Kevin Spacey's butt.]

It's unimaginable that MA would elect a republic US Senator.

[Bank it.]

i see dire consequences in the event of a loss.

[Bank it.]

I will not be watching any pundits for several weeks if she doesn't win, because the gloat factor will be intolerable!

[Bank it.]

If you're serious about "banking" it. Then you should head over to Intrade. The Coakley contract will pay off at around 2-to-1 if you're right.

[Perhaps Pitt could "Bank it" and double his trust fund check this month.]

What's your record on predictions?

[A perfect goose egg. Bank it.]

60-40. But I'm looking to move up.

[Pitt just predicted a Coakley win by 20 points but he is looking to predict an even wider margin for her. Bank it.]

Will, have you been on the ground there or talked to anyone who is?

[Yes. Will has been on the ground of Bukowski's floor. Plus he has talked to Ty the Bouncer who will say anything that Pitt later puts into his mouth by way of perfectly convenient word-for-word quotes.]

I'm in downtown Boston and have been swimming in this race long before 90% of the DU punditry even knew it was happening. I'm actually getting a kick out of all the high-flown opinionating going on around here, because maybe 1% of the opinions evince any knowledge whatsoever about on-the-ground Massachusetts politics. This race is turning on a lot of MA factors unique to the state. It's not a grand statement on anything other than the vagaries of local politics.

[As opposed to the all-knowing on-the gound Pitt with his Coakley win prediction due to his Boston "street smarts." A man of the Trust Fund Kids people.]

The 60-40 thing was an answer to the question about how good I am at predictions. I'm right more often than wrong, but am wrong enough to make me a shaky bet.

[You were dead on in your Karl Rove indictment prediction. Oh, and President Kerry thanx you for prognosticating the 2004 election overturn. And it was just wuuuuderful how Obama finally "parked it" with ObamaCare which is about to be signed into law.]

Will, I really, really want to believe you

[I BEEEEEEELIEEEEEEVE!!!]

If you're right, I will bow down to you and be your slave.

[If you are Ben Burch, you only need to bend down.]

Hope people didn't bank too much.

[Only one month's worth of trust fund payment.]

We'll all sink to our knees and pray Martha Coakley wins, to spite your simplified all knowing, cheerleading efforts.


[Uh-oh! Do I detect annoyance with Will here? ...And now Will proudly announces, HEADS UP: I got press credentials for the Coakley party tonight.]

I will be live-blogging from inside the center of the Democratic universe, starting after 7pm EST, here:

[Does your press pass come with the Li'l Orphan Annie decoder ring?]

It'll either be a room-fulla-doom, or a joyful place to be. You'll know when I know if you keep an eye on that link.

[A joyful Pitt playing the insider pretend pundit game for the DUmmies.]

Better bring lillies - it's a wake!

[Bank it.]

You know Mass politics - what's your gut tell you?

No clue. That's the truth.

[Replied the same Pitt who a day before confidently predicted a Coakley win. Bank it.]

Yesterday you told us to "bank it" What happened since then?

[24 business hours passed in the interim.]

So bank it. I have to go to work.

[Replied an irritated Pitt. And for the trust fund kid work means playing pretend pundit for no pay other than a filled ego.]

I'm placing my bet on Intrade based on your observation. I'll take you out for a drink on the bundle I'm about to make.

[You are just $10 away from getting blasted with Pitt at Bukowski's.]

I am looking forward to your "feet on the ground" report.. What's the general mood around town?

[The mood around town is great mirth about Pitt's pretend punditry.]

Leaving now for the Coalkey event. Stay tuned.

[Don't forget to update us with an intense analysis of your own navel. ...And now Pitt LIVE BLOGS from the Coakley event...]

1:12 p.m. EST: I have ventured out into the sleet and snow to do some person-on-the-street interviews with voters, and to check out turnout levels at various polling places. For what it's worth, the city is a skating rink, but the snow and sleet is turning to rain, so hopefully the slippery sidewalks and roads will cease to be treacherous soon.

Also FYI: I got press credentials for the Coakley party in the Sheraton Back Bay, and will be reporting from inside the room after 5:00 p.m. PDT, so stay tuned.

[Please impress us again about your press credentials so you can play pretend pundit, Pitt.]

5:20 p.m. EST: It's quittin' time for much of Boston, and the late surge of voting before the polls close at 8:00 p.m. has begun.

[Thank you for that wonderful insider information, Pitt. This is something we would never otherwise know about the polls closing at 8 p.m.]

7:30 p.m. EST: The lobby outside the Sheraton ballroom where Coakley will end her campaign in victory or defeat is quiet for now. Maybe 30 people, campaign workers and press, are milling about waiting for something to do, somewhere to go, waiting for the word. Polls close at 8:00 p.m., so this time is akin to the ionization blackout that happens when returning spacecraft hit the atmosphere.

[Like that nightly blackout you suffer when a returning Pitt hits the pavement?]

7:45 p.m. EST: The doors to the ballroom will open in 15 minutes, but I managed to worm my way in through a back door. The place looks ready for a Rolling Stones concert, lights everywhere, huge stage and a riser in the middle of the room holding what appears to be every news camera in the world. If the Coakley people knew my history with these "victory parties," they'd throw me out immediately. The last two election-night events like this I covered - John Kerry's 2004 gathering in Copley Square and Christine Cegelis' confab in Illinois in 2006 - did not end well for the candidates in question. Will history repeat itself?

[You're so special, Pitt, by worming yourself into the ballroom. I am in awe of your gatecrashing abilities.]

8:02 p.m. EST: I'm in the room, availing myself of the free food before things really get rolling. There is zero enthusiasm in here despite the music thumping out of speakers in every corner. Nobody looks worried, but nobody looks confident.

[Pitt scarfs down free chow and then looks out for non-nonalcoholic refreshments.]

8:18 p.m. EST: Just spoke to a campaign worker who seemed to be looking for a noose. He just got a call from Winthrop, a traditionally Democratic stronghold. According to his source, which was someone else in the campaign, Brown won every Winthrop district.

[Winthrop banked it.]

8:20 p.m. EST: With 4% in, Brown leads Coakley 52-47. There is still a long, long way to go, Coakley is only down by about 5,000 votes, and the large metro areas of the state have yet to report in. "Too Close To Call" is the watchword for the evening thus far.

[Four words can be a watchword? So I guess the two word "bank it" can also be a watchword.]

8:50 p.m. EST: With 29% reporting, Brown still holds a 53-47 lead, almost 40,000 votes ahead. Kennedy has an eyelash over 6,000 votes, so people can begin to comfortably categorize his impact on this race as negligible.

[Bank it.]

9:10 p.m. EST: With 59% reporting, Brown has increased his lead 53-46. His vote lead has increased to almost 90,000. Kennedy has less than 13,000 votes.

This room is about half full, and everyone of age appears to be drinking heavily. By contrast, the big TVs are showing the Brown headquarters, and it is packed to the rafters in there. They smell a winner, and have every reason to be optimistic. This is not a victory party here. It's a funeral.

[And I'm sure Will is doing more than his share of the heavy drinking. Bank it.]

9:20 p.m. EST: The old bromides about large turnout being helpful to Democrats do not seem to be applying here. With 65% reporting, almost 1.5 million votes have been cast and counted. That's an absurdly high turnout for a non-November election in a day-long snowstorm, and 35% still has yet to be counted.

[Among those promoting that old bromide was none other than Will "bank it" Pitt.]

9:30 p.m. EST: It's over. With 77% reporting, the Associated Press has called the race for Republican Scott Brown. Ted Kennedy's seat just flipped to the other side of the aisle, Obama's health care reform just hit the reef, and Martha Coakley just became a first ballot entrant into the How-Did-You-Lose-This-Race Hall of Fame.

There will be plenty of time to dissect this catastrophe, but it's enough for one night. I'll watch the Coakley concession from my couch. This is a room full of doom, and I need a smoke.

[...and a drink. Especially a drink since Pitt's live blogging ends right there. This is followed by the inevitable I was wrong.]

I was wrong.

[Bank it.]

Yesterday, I put up a post predicting a Coakley win. "Bank it" were the words I used specifically.

[You parked it.]

I apologize to anyone whose hopes I got up.

[The same suckers who thought Bev Harris was just $10 away from electing Kerry president.]

This.

Sucks.

[Ha!]

[Ha!]

Horrible will.

[Yes, his pretend punditry was truly horrible.]

I'm sorry, Will.

[Is that you, Jason Leopold?]

It's okay though. Your prediction didn't break my heart. The outcome did. On to 2012, right?

[December 21, 2012 when the ancient Mayans predicted all the DUmmies would fall off from the edge of the world when watching President-Elect Palin on the tube.]

Ultimately, this is just a bump in the road. Historically insignificant. One minor Senator is not going to set the agenda of our President.

[Sayeth DUmmie Polyanna.]

I can't even think straight right now.

[A prerequisite for entering DUmmieland.]

But goddamn, that f*cking symbolism and irony and all that fucking shit just blows your f*cking mind to tiny fragments then liquifies it in acid. I'll be damned if it doesn't and I'll be f*cked if anyone would believe (up until recently) this could really happen.

[It really happened. Bank it.]

I'm still living down "Kerry in a Landslide!"

[Bank it.]

12 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Sshhhh, everybody...quiet.
We're waiting for lil' troggy boy to jump right in and make his "point".
Don't be bashful, troggy.
Jump right in, we need another good laugh at your expense.

Skul

11:35 AM  
Anonymous DumbAss Tanker said...

Ooooh, looks like Will's bank shot was a scratch.

11:57 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Will's grandstanding never fails to amuse me. What a freakin' tool.

His over-inflated ego just can't back away from pretending he's an "insider", and the DUmmies fall for it every time.

Delicious, delicious delight in watching him (and DU) be a fool yet again!

12:50 PM  
Anonymous radical redneck said...

Kayinsane in FULL-FLEDGED MELTDOWN!Schadenfreude City!

"Scott Brownshirt whores his daughters out to the nation as soon as he wins his election! Welcome to right wing fringe teabagger world! This is how they are. Scotty will end up living at the C Street house where he’ll continue to whore his daughters out to other teabaggers across the nation! He will also be using C Street to cheat on his wife while he tells us liberals we are the g-dless ones who have no morals! Spit!"

12:51 PM  
Anonymous Jerome Goolsby said...

It would not surprise me if Kay In Maine is not related to Troglaman The Guttersnipe or his ex-wife or (horror of horrors) the same person. The similiarities of their maniacal thought processes is frightening to behold.

2:07 PM  
Anonymous krazy kat said...

It's hilarious to read the DUmmies' take on the election. Suddenly the citizens of the Bay State are morons, racists, teabagging nazis, talk radio zombies, etc.

But the DUmmies don't have an answer; and they've forgotten that Obama, just 14 months ago, won Massachusetts by 28 points.

The DUmmies (and their allies at MSNBC) are clueless.

3:11 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

lol politics

8:45 PM  
Anonymous Hwy93 said...

Bravo! I knew there would be a MA post, but I didn't dare dream it would be Will the shill live-blogging.

9:50 PM  
Anonymous Jerome Goolsby said...

One comment that shocked me was some Moonbat who said that one of the reasons Mass voters voted for Brown is that they already have their health coverage and are too selfish to pay for everyone else's through Federal taxes. Ye gods...is there no bottom to the well of stupidity the DSA base has?

11:23 PM  
Blogger Michael said...

WOW! Pitts really nailed that one didn't he? He's a regular Nostra- freaking- damas!

11:31 PM  
Anonymous Masshole said...

How convenient for Will - the Back Bay Sheraton is right across the street from Bukowski's. I would have liked to see some of those person- on-the-street, or in this case person-on-the-barstool interviews.

9:54 AM  
Blogger Beefeater said...

Hey Pitt, DUmmies, and especially kayinmaine from think progress...


*GLOAT*

2:00 PM  

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