Sunday, October 18, 2009

"Up, Up on the Screen (In My Helium Balloon)"

I know, I know, you're asking, "What about the Pitt wedding DUFU?" Well, before we get to the gasbag that got hitched, first we need to deal with a gasbag that got UN-hitched! I refer, of course, to the Balloon Boy saga, and the DUmmies' reaction to the story.

But before we hear from the DUmmies, let's join the Heene Family Singers in singing one of their favorite Ballooney Tunes:

Tune: "Up, Up and Away (In My Beautiful Balloon)" Original

Would you like to hide in my helium balloon
Would you ride untied in my helium balloon
We'll be famous like the stars on TV, you and I
For we can lie, we can lie

Up, up on the screen
In my helium, my helium balloon

It's just a little game in my helium balloon
It's fortune and it's fame in my helium balloon
We can sign a deal and keep it real--no, we're not shy
For we can lie, we can lie

Up, up on the screen
In my helium, my helium balloon

It's splendid knowing the spotlight shines on you
We'll use our kids when the networks show up
If by some chance we face a tough interview
We'll find a bag to blow up
We'll start to gag and throw up

Fame is waiting there in my helium balloon
Soon we're on the air in my helium balloon
If you'll hold your tongue we'll send our young across the sky
For we can lie, we can lie

Up, up on the screen
In my helium, my helium balloon
Balloon . . .
Up, up on the screen . . .

Now to the DUmmies. The Reality-Based Community® takes on the Reality-Show Family® in this
THREAD and this THREAD and this THREAD. So now let us crawl in the basket and float off to DUmmieland to get their reactions, in Balloonshevik Red, while the commentary of your humble guest correspondent, Charles Henrickson, the wag tailoring the doggerel, is in the [brackets]:

all you balloon posters... you are the reason the news is filled with eat this stupid stuff up.

[So what does this DUmmie do? Post another thread about Balloon Boy.]

An Unrec for yelling at people who give a damn about a little boy

[But a Kick & a Rec for maintaining DUmmieland standards of intramural fighting.]

Math and physics told me (and many others) that this was BS from the get-go.

[Had to throw in the parenthetical "(and many others)" so as not to look as attention-craved as Richard Heene.]

I'm hoping that science teachers everywhere will take the opportunity tomorrow to teach a little bit of physics to their students. Maybe some good will come of it after all?

[More funding for science teachers! Politicize my flight! No child left behind in the attic!]

Baloon! Wow! Ooh, shiny baloon! Whee! Boy in shiny baloon!

[Spheroidenshiny, baby!]

More interesting than a car chase

[Is that you, Al Cowlings?]

millions of small children are in danger. . . .

[Keep your eyes to the skies!]

YAY! I love masturbatory indignation!

[My favorite group!]

Punch yourself in the face.

[Love, love, love. . . .]


[I detect a note of sarcasm.]

Who's the president? Balloon?

[Gasbag. Now on to Thread #2 . . .]

Balloon Boy: Is Mainstream Media Purposely Distracting Us?

[Yes. It's all a Corporate Media Plot. Humans have never been interested in human-interest stories before.]

It works well, even here at DU where the boards were full of threads about the balloon boy. We complain about MSM distractions and then follow right along like good sheeple.

[We should only talk about the public option and Afghanistan and sending Bush to The Hague.]

Did anyone notice the stars and strips shirt that the sheriff was wearing yesterday when he said that charges would be fired.

[Did you notice you said "stars and strips" and "charges would be fired" and ended a question with a period?]

A standard weather balloon that's about 2 meters in diameter can just barely lift 3 kg. . . .

[Speak English, buddy. None of this metric Euro-commie crap.]

Anyone with half a brain could have determined that the kid wasn't in the balloon after 10 seconds of video.

[If only we were as smart as you! Please forgive us, Mr. Science! Now on to Thread #3 . . .]

County sheriff in Colorado says "balloon boy" incident was a "hoax" and a "publicity stunt."

["County sheriff": Boo! Hiss! It's the Man, holding us down! Power to the People!]

The Jiffy Pop look a like balloon could not support the boy's weight.

[If he hadn't eaten all that Jiffy Pop, he wouldn't be such a tubbo.]

somehow the Heene's will make money from this hoax.

[Smart. Must be related to Bobby "The Brain" Heenan.]

they will be on Larry King soon

[Maybe they can do us all a favor and put Lar in a balloon and float him off to Sun City.]

Fox news & the teabaggers will blame Obama for this.

[So let's blame Bush!]

A Richard Heene, Joe the Plumber, & Octomom Charity Softball Game might raise a lot of money and partially redeem these scumbags.

[Octomom could field her own team.]

What about Palin?

[Palin is the new Bush. Somehow she must be responsible.]

Hang their f*cking asses.

[Hang the Heenes' heinies!]

They launched the thing during President Obama's speech

[All the more reason!]

Obama is not as important to the media as are fake flying balloons

[Fake but accurate.]

the media played you?

[Hey, you fell for Obama, didn't you?]

You guys still haven't firgured this out yet? very disappointing, makes me sad. See if you can follow this: Do the simple physics. Do the simple math. Do a simple observation. Figured it out yet? Okay- a little clue: Ever had a HELIUM BALLOON as a kid? Ever tried to lift something with it heavier than an ounce or so? Figured it out yet? Clue #2: Figure the VOLUME of the Balloon. Roughly 15 feet in diameter, 3-5 feet thick at the center, tapering to the sides. Use the formula for the volume of an ellipsoid (you can find that using Google.) Depending on how generous you want to be with the height and radius values the volume comes out to be between 200 to 300 cubic feet of helium. Got it yet? How much does a 6 year old boy WEIGH? Answer: normally 40 something pounds. Got it?

[No, but you get the Patronizing Pedantic Post of the Day Award.]

1 cubic foot of helium can lift .067 pounds (you can check that value using Google.) A 200 to 300 cubic foot helium balloon can lift no more than 20 pounds.

[What . . . is the air-speed velocity of an unladen helium balloon?]

What a freakin' dumbed down country we have become.

[Exhibit A: DUmmieland.]

Can you imagine what the great thinkers of the Renaissance would say about us? We're like retarded monkeys. . . .

[Bunch of balloon baboons.]

This is not a violent crime, whatever it is. It deserves a formal rebuke but not time in the pen. I'd rather see Dick Cheney there!

[Balloongate, the new Gitmo!]

I am not convinced this was a hoax yet.

[Hey, I've got a Bridge to Nowhere you might like to buy!]

They'll get a trial like anyone else.

[And a trial balloon, beside.]

Why is locking people up so desirous to so many?

[Ask the people who want to send Bush and Cheney to The Hague.]

Believe it or not, prison actually has a deterrent effect.


I think it was staged. Coreographed. But I'm assuming, and that's kind of lame on my part. But that's what the little voice in my head said.

[Those little voices in your head have been coming back again, eh?]

PLEASE ACCOUNT FOR THE WIND...i don't know the climate but the balloon had a very large surface area--- like a parachute... and not being familiar with the Wizard Of Oz, i don't know if a balloon as defined in many of these replies ASSISTED BY STRONG WINDS could have lifted or carried a small child. i have seen parachutists carried miles sideways by the wind WHILE SCIENCE would tell us they should be falling at some specific rate


knocking off the President of the USA from live coverage to show what amounts to one of the biggest farces of the decade, since the US Supreme Court declared Bush a winner in 2000?

[I've got it! The man behind the balloon! No, not Richard Heene. He's just a mind-controlled pawn in this drama. No, the man behind this MUST be none other than . . . KARL ROVE, of course! Think about it! Yes, it's Krazy Karl's Weather Balloon! Devilishly brilliant, the perfect Rovian touch!]


Anonymous Jerome Goolsby said...

The Moonbats are humorous to see at work with their pretzel brain logic.

Sad thing is, these are the people who are running the country right now.

11:49 PM  
Anonymous Shambhala said...

The term "batshit crazy" was invented for this scum of the Earth.

10:21 AM  
Anonymous Elrond Hubbard said...

Can you imagine what the great thinkers of the Renaissance would say about us? We're like retraded monkeys...

The DUmmies identify the problem and realize it's themselves.

What a freakin' dumbed down country we've become.

Thanks to public education and teachers' unions.

They launched the thing during President Obama's speech.

Rove you bastard!

4:04 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I guess this shows us how relevant the media considers the President to be.

8:26 PM  
Anonymous troglaman said...

"'What a freakin' dumbed down country we've become.' Thanks to public education and teachers' unions." elrond

Yeah. Those assholes believe in shit like evolution, biology, physics and crap like that. What they need to do is read the Holy Fuckin Bible! And what's this bullshit about climate change? Stupid motherfucking dumbass teachers.

(elrond's smarter than teachers...every damn one of them)

1:05 AM  
Anonymous Elrond Hubbard said...

(elrond's smarter than teachers...every damn one of them)

I can't deny it, I am smarter than most teachers.

BTW. I don't "believe" in evolution, biology and physics and other "crap". Rather, after much reading and investigation, I accept the priciples of those sciences as true. It's not a matter of belief. Sixteen years of Catholic education made me an agnostic.

2:08 PM  
Anonymous Shambhala said...

Having dated more than one future teacher in college: most couldnt make it in sciences. They just needed jobs. A few loved the teaching.

Bonked like rabbits though.

5:55 PM  
Anonymous troglaman said...

"Rather, after much reading and investigation, I accept the priciples of those sciences as true. It's not a matter of belief. Sixteen years of Catholic education made me an agnostic." elond


Mark this day my fellow PJ-inkblots. elrond has thoughtfully proclaimed general science "as true"...AND...he's agnostic to boot (which is, as we all know, probably the result of having been recently possessed).

1:37 AM  
Anonymous troglaman said...

"Having dated more than one future teacher in college: most couldnt make it in sciences. They just needed jobs. A few loved the teaching."

Jesus Christ, sham. How many did you shag? Enough to make the judgment that "most couldnt make it in sciences"?

You must not only be one hell of a sexy dude but also one top-fucking-notch scientist to not only be able to fuck them...but also be able grade their ability as scientists. Fuckin A, dude.

You're the shit, man. And they do go after it like rabbits.

1:53 AM  
Anonymous Shambhala said...

You're the shit, man. And they do go after it like rabbits.

Ok. I'll grant you some were PhysEd students. Still, they needed to know physiology and anatomy.

Yeah. I *AM* a sexy fuck.

10:21 AM  
Anonymous Elrond Hubbard said...



You're limited by your own bias and prejudices. You can't accept that a person can be conservative and yet not be a knuckle draggging, fundie cracker. It's the DUmmieland world view that you share. Time to wake up.

1:15 PM  
Anonymous troglaman said...

"You can't accept that a person can be conservative and yet not be a knuckle draggging, fundie cracker." elrond

Fuck you. I don't think you're a knuckle dragging, fundie cracker. I think you're a stupid knuckle dragging, fundie crackerin', beer swilling, ASSHOLE.

You believe in general science and you don't think the existence of God has a whole lot to do with anything.

On this site, that's a pretty gutsy proclamation.

It'll be interesting to see if you keep on saying it. You don't challenge many people here but me, elrond, even though alot of people here have great difficulty with general science and say so again and again.

I wouldn't be fighting your battles, would I?

"Ok. I'll grant you some were PhysEd students...Yeah. I *AM* a sexy fuck." sham the everlasting dude.

And THAT explains why "most (dumbfuck teaching undergrads screwing up the whole country) couldn't make it in sciences".

Super illuminating, sham. Thanks for chiming in.

1:49 AM  
Anonymous Elrond Hubbard said...


You don't challenge many people here but me...

That's because everyone else here is armed.

3:13 PM  
Anonymous troglaman said...

"That's because everyone else here is armed." elrond

With what? Words. That's what.

Sooooooo scary.

4:07 AM  
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