"Up, Up on the Screen (In My Helium Balloon)"

I know, I know, you're asking, "What about the Pitt wedding DUFU?" Well, before we get to the gasbag that got hitched, first we need to deal with a gasbag that got UN-hitched! I refer, of course, to the Balloon Boy saga, and the DUmmies' reaction to the story.

But before we hear from the DUmmies, let's join the Heene Family Singers in singing one of their favorite Ballooney Tunes:

UP, UP ON THE SCREEN (IN MY HELIUM BALLOON)
Tune: "Up, Up and Away (In My Beautiful Balloon)" Original

Would you like to hide in my helium balloon
Would you ride untied in my helium balloon
We'll be famous like the stars on TV, you and I
For we can lie, we can lie

Up, up on the screen
In my helium, my helium balloon

It's just a little game in my helium balloon
It's fortune and it's fame in my helium balloon
We can sign a deal and keep it real--no, we're not shy
For we can lie, we can lie

Up, up on the screen
In my helium, my helium balloon

It's splendid knowing the spotlight shines on you
We'll use our kids when the networks show up
If by some chance we face a tough interview
We'll find a bag to blow up
We'll start to gag and throw up

Fame is waiting there in my helium balloon
Soon we're on the air in my helium balloon
If you'll hold your tongue we'll send our young across the sky
For we can lie, we can lie

Up, up on the screen
In my helium, my helium balloon
Balloon . . .
Up, up on the screen . . .

Now to the DUmmies. The Reality-Based Community® takes on the Reality-Show Family® in this THREAD and this THREAD and this THREAD. So now let us crawl in the basket and float off to DUmmieland to get their reactions, in Balloonshevik Red, while the commentary of your humble guest correspondent, Charles Henrickson, the wag tailoring the doggerel, is in the [brackets]:

all you balloon posters... you are the reason the news is filled with crap...you eat this stupid stuff up.

[So what does this DUmmie do? Post another thread about Balloon Boy.]

An Unrec for yelling at people who give a damn about a little boy

[But a Kick & a Rec for maintaining DUmmieland standards of intramural fighting.]

Math and physics told me (and many others) that this was BS from the get-go.

[Had to throw in the parenthetical "(and many others)" so as not to look as attention-craved as Richard Heene.]

I'm hoping that science teachers everywhere will take the opportunity tomorrow to teach a little bit of physics to their students. Maybe some good will come of it after all?

[More funding for science teachers! Politicize my flight! No child left behind in the attic!]

Baloon! Wow! Ooh, shiny baloon! Whee! Boy in shiny baloon!

[Spheroidenshiny, baby!]

More interesting than a car chase

[Is that you, Al Cowlings?]

millions of small children are in danger. . . .

[Keep your eyes to the skies!]

YAY! I love masturbatory indignation!

[My favorite group!]

Punch yourself in the face.

[Love, love, love. . . .]

SHAME ON YOU DU! SHAME! SHAME! SHAME! SHAME! You shamed yet, DU?

[I detect a note of sarcasm.]

Who's the president? Balloon?

[Gasbag. Now on to Thread #2 . . .]

Balloon Boy: Is Mainstream Media Purposely Distracting Us?

[Yes. It's all a Corporate Media Plot. Humans have never been interested in human-interest stories before.]

It works well, even here at DU where the boards were full of threads about the balloon boy. We complain about MSM distractions and then follow right along like good sheeple.

[We should only talk about the public option and Afghanistan and sending Bush to The Hague.]

Did anyone notice the stars and strips shirt that the sheriff was wearing yesterday when he said that charges would be fired.

[Did you notice you said "stars and strips" and "charges would be fired" and ended a question with a period?]

A standard weather balloon that's about 2 meters in diameter can just barely lift 3 kg. . . .

[Speak English, buddy. None of this metric Euro-commie crap.]

Anyone with half a brain could have determined that the kid wasn't in the balloon after 10 seconds of video.

[If only we were as smart as you! Please forgive us, Mr. Science! Now on to Thread #3 . . .]

County sheriff in Colorado says "balloon boy" incident was a "hoax" and a "publicity stunt."

["County sheriff": Boo! Hiss! It's the Man, holding us down! Power to the People!]

The Jiffy Pop look a like balloon could not support the boy's weight.

[If he hadn't eaten all that Jiffy Pop, he wouldn't be such a tubbo.]

somehow the Heene's will make money from this hoax.

[Smart. Must be related to Bobby "The Brain" Heenan.]

they will be on Larry King soon

[Maybe they can do us all a favor and put Lar in a balloon and float him off to Sun City.]

Fox news & the teabaggers will blame Obama for this.

[So let's blame Bush!]

A Richard Heene, Joe the Plumber, & Octomom Charity Softball Game might raise a lot of money and partially redeem these scumbags.

[Octomom could field her own team.]

What about Palin?

[Palin is the new Bush. Somehow she must be responsible.]

Hang their f*cking asses.

[Hang the Heenes' heinies!]

They launched the thing during President Obama's speech

[All the more reason!]

Obama is not as important to the media as are fake flying balloons

[Fake but accurate.]

the media played you?

[Hey, you fell for Obama, didn't you?]

You guys still haven't firgured this out yet? very disappointing, makes me sad. See if you can follow this: Do the simple physics. Do the simple math. Do a simple observation. Figured it out yet? Okay- a little clue: Ever had a HELIUM BALLOON as a kid? Ever tried to lift something with it heavier than an ounce or so? Figured it out yet? Clue #2: Figure the VOLUME of the Balloon. Roughly 15 feet in diameter, 3-5 feet thick at the center, tapering to the sides. Use the formula for the volume of an ellipsoid (you can find that using Google.) Depending on how generous you want to be with the height and radius values the volume comes out to be between 200 to 300 cubic feet of helium. Got it yet? How much does a 6 year old boy WEIGH? Answer: normally 40 something pounds. Got it?

[No, but you get the Patronizing Pedantic Post of the Day Award.]

1 cubic foot of helium can lift .067 pounds (you can check that value using Google.) A 200 to 300 cubic foot helium balloon can lift no more than 20 pounds.

[What . . . is the air-speed velocity of an unladen helium balloon?]

What a freakin' dumbed down country we have become.

[Exhibit A: DUmmieland.]

Can you imagine what the great thinkers of the Renaissance would say about us? We're like retarded monkeys. . . .

[Bunch of balloon baboons.]

This is not a violent crime, whatever it is. It deserves a formal rebuke but not time in the pen. I'd rather see Dick Cheney there!

[Balloongate, the new Gitmo!]

I am not convinced this was a hoax yet.

[Hey, I've got a Bridge to Nowhere you might like to buy!]

They'll get a trial like anyone else.

[And a trial balloon, beside.]

Why is locking people up so desirous to so many?

[Ask the people who want to send Bush and Cheney to The Hague.]

Believe it or not, prison actually has a deterrent effect.

[LOUSY FREEPER TROLL!!!]

I think it was staged. Coreographed. But I'm assuming, and that's kind of lame on my part. But that's what the little voice in my head said.

[Those little voices in your head have been coming back again, eh?]

PLEASE ACCOUNT FOR THE WIND...i don't know the climate but the balloon had a very large surface area--- like a parachute... and not being familiar with the Wizard Of Oz, i don't know if a balloon as defined in many of these replies ASSISTED BY STRONG WINDS could have lifted or carried a small child. i have seen parachutists carried miles sideways by the wind WHILE SCIENCE would tell us they should be falling at some specific rate

[ACCOUNT FOR THE WIND, PEOPLE! PARACHUTISTS, SIDEWAYS, FOR MILES!!]

knocking off the President of the USA from live coverage to show what amounts to one of the biggest farces of the decade, since the US Supreme Court declared Bush a winner in 2000?

[I've got it! The man behind the balloon! No, not Richard Heene. He's just a mind-controlled pawn in this drama. No, the man behind this MUST be none other than . . . KARL ROVE, of course! Think about it! Yes, it's Krazy Karl's Weather Balloon! Devilishly brilliant, the perfect Rovian touch!]