William Rivers Pitt Wants To Be A Surrogate

Before we begin today's DUFU edition, an update from the Charles Henrickson vs Paul Shanklin battlefront. As pointed out in the previous DUmmie FUnnies EDITION, Charles posted a parody based on Ebony and Ivory about Obama and Hillary called Ebony and Ovary last Wednesday. Almost simultaneously on the air, Rush Limbaugh asked his parodist, Paul Shanklin, to come up with a parody song about Obama and Hillary based on Ebony and Ivory. The world now awaits the Paul Shanklin version to see how it compares to the Henrickson parody. Already Henrickson has scored some important points in the opening battle just with his creative parody title. However, experts believe the Shanklin counter-attack will be brutal. In the meantime, General Henrickson has launched a diversionary raid with his Whole Lot For Shanklin Goin' On based on Whole Lotta Shakin' Goin' On by Jerry Lee Lewis:

Come on Rush and pay me
Whole lot for Shanklin goin' on
Yes I said come on Rush and pay me
Pay me, you'll want my song
Just a Franklin
Whole lot for Shanklin goin' on

Well I said come on Rush and pay me
I got lyrics in my head
Come on Rush and pay me
Really got satirical to spread
Just a Franklin
Whole lot for Shanklin goin' on

Well I said take what I make
I said take what I make
I said take what I make
I said take what I make
Come on pay me
Whole lot for Shanklin goin' on

Ahh, let's go . . .

Well I said come on Rush and pay me
I got lyrics in my head--whose head, what head, my head
Come on Rush and pay me
Really got satirical to spread
Just a Franklin
Whole lot for Shanklin goin' on

Easy now
Take it, ahh
Take my lyrics
Yeah
You can take 'em one time from me
Well I said come on Rush and pay me
Whole lot for Shanklin goin' on

Now let's get real low one time now
Take what I make
All you gotta do, Rush, is kinda get out a check
Write somethin' down just a little bit
That's what you gotta do, yeah
Oh pay me
Whole lot for Shanklin goin' on

Now let's go one time
Take what I make
Take what I make
Take what I make
Take what I make
Come on pay me
Whole lot for Shanklin goin' on!

Your humble war correspondent will continue to keep the public updated on the latest news from the parodist battlefront. For now we return to more mundane matters---Pied Piper Pitt wants to be a poltical surrogate! Yes, back in grade school while all the other kids informed the teacher that they wanted to be firemen or police officers, our Pitt was eagerly volunteering the information that his goal in life was to be a poltical surrogate. At least that is the impression that his DUmmie THREAD titled, "I Hate The Media, Chapter 97,992,174,002" leaves. Ostensibly it is Pitt scolding the media for using quotes made by campaign surrogates. However, if you read just slightly below the surface, this thread is a desperate plea by Pitt to become a surrogate himself. You can tell that he desperately wants to be a political player this year. Of course, the routine work of stuffing envelopes or handing out bumper stickers door to door is just not good enough for our Priveleged Pitt. No, he wants to be a campaign surrogate like the big boys. So let us now watch Pitt Post Pleas about wanting to become a campaign surrogate in Bolshevik Red while the commentary of your humble war correspondent, picturing Pitt's nose up against a restaurant window as real political player Bob Shrum holds court, is in the [brackets]:

I Hate The Media, Chapter 97,992,174,002

[Pied Piper Pitt Post, Chapter 97,992,174,002.]

A surrogate of Senator Obaman's campaign flips out and calls Senator Clinton a "monster" in front of a reporter. Coverage is wall-to-wall.

[Pitt is just jealous. The only wall-to-wall coverage the Pied Piper gets nowadays is when Ty the Bouncer drags the comatose Pitt from one wall of Bukowski's to the other wall.]

A surrogate of Senator Obama blows it on television by not being able to explain any details of his candidate's record. Coverage is wall-to-wall.

[Can you explain any details of Karl Rove's indictment on May 12, 2006?]

I. Don't. F*cking. Care.

[A. Patented. Pitt. Post.]

Campaign surrogates have been screwing up on the record since time out of mind. I'm re-re-re-re-re-reading Hunter Thompson's "Fear and Loathing on the Campaign Trail right now, and found yesterday a passage about some Muskie surrogate who told reporters, "My instructions are to make sure the candidate is never placed in a position where he has to think quickly." Thompson, along with all the other reporters who heard this first-hand, didn't write about it because it was just too gruesome...but it happened.

[You're re-re-re-re-re-reading Hunter Thompson's "Fear and Loathing on the Campaign Trail?" Pitt here reveals a lot about himself. The Pied Piper is DESPERATE to be on the campaign trail himself. That is why over the years he is re-re-re-re-re-reading Hunter Thompson's "Fear and Loathing on the Campaign Trail." It is his greatest fantasy in life to be on the campaign trail. Me? My fantasy is merely to spend an evening in a Las Vegas hotel room with Playboy Playmate, Petra Verkaik. Pitt is doomed to remain eternally frustrated. Me too but at least my fantasy is much more realistic.]

Both '08 Democratic campaigns have literally hundreds of so-called "surrogates all over the country, each with different mental and emotional capacities...and most throw little if any real weight when it comes to the core operations and management of those campaigns. Blaming the core campaigns and the candidates they represent when one of their surrogates comes down with a case of idiotic verbal diarrhea is like blaming an Oort Cloud asteroid when you get a bad sunburn.

[Hundreds of campaign surrogates and STILL Pitt can't break into those ranks. Perhaps it is because he is being shunned due to his idiotic verbal diarrhea over his infamous Fitzmas Fraud.]

But it makes marvelous grist for the media mill, grist that allows them to sidestep any discussion of telcom immunity and FISA, the new Iraq NIE they're planning to hide from us, the ongoing economic meltdown, Hagee and McCain, etc. etc. etc.

[The perpetrator of the Fitzmas Fraud scoop which will be breaking in 24 business hours has the chutzpah to lecture the media on ethics.]

In the sports realm, shit like this happens all the time. Some assistant to an assistant to an assistant of the Assistant Manager For Cleaning Jock Straps tells a reporter that Player X is unhappy and wants a trade...and when those really in the know are asked about the comment, they dismiss it out of hand and state the obvious: whoever said that shit knows nothing. Boom. Dead story. Move on.

[Karl Rove indictment? Boom. Dead story. Move on.]

According to the political press, however, comments from anyone even remotely connected to a national campaign deserve to be carved on stone tablets and clarioned from every rooftop...especially if such comments make for titilatingly vapid copy.

[Yes, the press should rely instead on such investigative giants like Jason Leopold of the notorious Leopold & Lib team. The journalistic ethics lecture from the "Lib" of this team continues...]

The Democratic contest for the nomination is now officially operating on the media's terms, and focusing on what the media decides is important.

[Huffed the journalist who relied on Sonny Crockett as a source for his Karl Rove indictment source...]

And they love stupid shit like blabbermouthed surrogates who throw no campaign weight and whose words make no difference at all in the grand scheme.

[The media needs to wait at least 24 business hours before verifying blabbermouthed surrogate stories with Jason Leopold.]

I hate the media.

[Probably because your desperate efforts to break into those ranks failed miserably with your Fitzmas Fraud. However, keep trying to become a campaign surrogate. We need the laughs from watching your desperate efforts to become a real political player. And now to read the DUmmies responding to Pitt's unintended revelation of his fantasy...]

Personally, I vote for throwing both candidates under the bus and voting for Samantha. She's a foot smarter, ten times as talented, and infinitely more capable than both of them combined.

[Pied Piper Pitt wants to be a Samantha Power when he grows up. It wouldn't surprise me if he has playing cards with pics of Power, and Bob Shrum, and Bob Beckel, and others from the campaign surrogate team.]

Edwards was my first choice

[States the Pittster boldly now that the Breck Girl is safely out of the race. However, don't expect Pitt to endorse either of the current candidates due to fear he might hitch his surrogate future to the losing team. Continue, Will...]

That was the very beginning of the media asserting control over what the parameters of the '08 conversation would be. They had a few very embarrasing public humiliations along the way (one being when the media punditocracy ate crow for wildly mis-predicting NH's primary results, another when media-collected poll predictions proved to be embarrassingly different from actual primary results), but they have too much muscle over managing the message.

[So have you eaten crow yet for your very embarrasing public humiliation on May 12, 2006?]

If a tree falls in the forest and the media doesn't cover it, did it happen?

[If a tree falls on the White House lawn during the Rove indictment and Leopold & Lib cover it, did it happen?]

Of course it did.

[Karl Rove now serving out his time doing community service on Fox News.]

Ask Edwards...and Kucinich, while you're at it.

[Perhaps we should ask Mama T's Boy Toy since Kucinich's press secretary fed him all the inside campaign info on the sly.]

Frankly, I'm surprised to hear Edwards was your first choice.

[Probably because Pitt never mentioned it while Edwards was actually running.]

Kucinich would have been great, but he didn't have the same chance to win that Edwards had.

[Kucinich had no chance in 2004 because he was sabotaged by his own press secretary.]

It's a "gotcha" story that merits coverage towards the end of the mid-day and evening news cycle. But wall to wall? I'm reminded of Waxman's hot pursuit of Roger Clemens...that left a few kinda-sorta important issues off the agenda.

[Waxman should have investigated why the Karl Rove indictment has been ignored by the media, Will.]

Surrogate: a person appointed to represent or act on behalf of others. Every campaign has "face-people" in every state to fill in for official campaign representatives in five-minute chunks during the 24-hour news cycle. They need lots of people to fill that time, and not all of them are able to keep it cool in the crunch.

[The should rely on people with the ability to keep it cool in the crunch like you, Will. BTW, have you tried looking under "Surrogate" yet in the help wanted section of the Boston Globe?]

I missed chapters 1-97,992,174,001. Would you mind recapping?

[You can find Pitt's quick recap in Pied Piper Pitt Performs Endless "Penitence" At DUmmie Canossa.]

I don't mean to imply that such events have no merit on spec. At minimum, having a campaign surrogate who goes sideways on the record raises questions about the main campaign's ability to hire/appoint capable people who can hold it together when the heat is on. These things are worth reporting on, but not at the expense of issues and challenges that matter far more to our lives and well-being. When the media refuses to ask the candidates/campaigns to comment on the to-be-buried Iraq NIE report or telcom amnesty, because such queries involve harder work than questions about surrogate gaffes, we all lose. And no, I'm not saying this to provide "cover for the Obama campaign. Someone up-thread said something like, "Yeah, it sucks when they report the truth!" Truth is in the eye of the beholder, and truth in media tends to be whatever favors one's favored candidate, and the whole process screws both candidates along with all of us.

[You should place these profound thoughts into your surrogate résumé along with your brillant analysis of how the Third American Empire was born during the 1980 Olympic hockey victory by the USA! USA! USA!]

Will always makes more salient points when he's not depicting Clinton and Obama as scantily clad Japanese school girls.

[How about as scantily clad Newton school girls?]