Thursday, February 28, 2008

Look out, DUmmies! Peeved Pyro Pitt gonna burn your house down!

It must have been a rough night at Bukowski's the other night. Maybe Kevin Spacey wouldn't give him an autograph. Maybe Ty the Bouncer had to help him off the floor. Whatever the reason, William "Cry me a" Rivers Pitt was in his cups and in a foul mood. At times like that, Bottomless Pitt is wont to get on the internets and vent his spleen. When he does, Pie-eyed Griper Pitt is likely to take it out on his fellow DUmmies. And that, my friends, is one of Wee Willie's TWO entertaining and DUFUable personae.

You see, to paraphrase John Edwards, there are Two Pitts. One is the Pitt we first came to know and laugh at: Pied Piper Pitt (ca. 2004-06), the pompous, long-winded, leader of the pack of DUmmies, the "journalist" and self-imagined "player." But then, in a span of 24 business hours sometime in May of 2006 (aka Fitzmas), the other side, the dark side of Pitt, began to take over. I'll call this one, Peeved Sniper Pitt (ca. 2006-present). This is the guy who gets mad when he is mocked or questioned by mere ordinary DUmmies. This is the guy who insults his former followers, burns his bridges, storms off DUmmieland in a huff, but then, like a moth to the flame, comes back recanting a couple weeks later, because he needs an audience. Swinging wildly from Pied Piper Pitt to Peeved Sniper Pitt, it's a Pitt and the Pendulum thing.

Well, this latest rant is a DUzy. In fact, for this one I'm going to call him Peeved PYRO Pitt, and you will see why. Our Boy is in his profane, pugilistic persona, and there are 450 replies to follow! SOMEBODY shook up the ants! The
THREAD is titled, with typical Pittian restraint, "OK, that's it. That's JUST ABOUT F***ING ENOUGH, thank you."

Oh, one more thing: Will picks as the target of his outrage what only a COUPLE of DUmmies have said, so the effect is that the majority of posters on this thread cheer Willie on and shower him with praise, which is no doubt the effect he desired. Some, though, find his rantics off-Pitting.

So now imagine we're sitting in a booth at Bukowski's overhearing Pitt and the DUmmies yap away, in Bolshevik (or Killian's?) Red, while the commentary of your humble guest correspondent and resident Pittologist, Charles Henrickson, wondering if Journalist Pitt can land a gig with Jason Leopold's new, is in the [brackets]:

OK, that's it. That's JUST ABOUT F***ING ENOUGH, thank you.

[ATTENTION, everyone! Peeved Sniper Pitt is in the house!]

"I swear it is my great hope tha McCain wins the election." Your great hope? Really?

[Pitt is ready to lay into a DUmmie who was not impressed with either Hillary or Obama. Of course, the REAL purpose is to show that no one is, or has a right to be, more righteously indignant than William Rivers Pitt. Pitt Rule #1: It's ALWAYS all about Will.]

If so, you need to get out of the house you can find some nice highway traffic to play in, you wretched pathetic pallid pale weak watery sh*tass excuse for an American.

[Pathetic Pallid Pale Pitt brings the hammer down!]

Second time in 48 hours I've seen this exact sentiment posted ON DEMOCRATIC UNDERGROUND.

[Das ist verboten! Vote for Democratics only! Party Hack Pitt has spoken!]

I don't give one wet slippery sh*t who you support for the nomination.

[The Logorrheal One does not care if you prefer Ol' Crusty or B.O. Plenty.]

I don't care if you vote in the general come November, either. If you're so catastrophically f*cked in the head that you don't know the difference between the Devil and the deep blue sea come November, represent 0.0000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000002% of the left-leaning electorate, so we can pretty much survive your masturbatory self-righteous abstinence. . . .

[Deep Blue Pitt does not care if you sit out in November.]

I don't care.

[He does not care.]

But. I. Swear. To. God.

[I. Am. So. Sick. Of. This. Tired. Period. Thingie.]

If I see another poster in this godforsaken testical-kick of a forum say they hope the GOP wins the White House in November, I will personally burn your f*cking house down, drive your car into the nearest available bridge strut, ruin your credit, deflower your chicadee, manhandle your couch cushions after eating lye with my bare hands, and make you watch while I sit down in the charred wasteland of your former livingroom and punch myself in the face over and over and over and over and over again, until the chicadee throws in the towel or until you pee your pants and promise never to do it again.

[Look out, DUmmies! Peeved Pyro Pitt gonna burn your house down! And deflower your chickadee! It's been a while since Pedagogue Pitt has deflowered a chickadee. Actually, the part I want to see is where Pugilist Pitt punches himself in the face over and over and over and over and over again.]

The Supreme Court matters, assbag. Choice matters.

[Gasbag Pitt reminds everyone of what is at stake, what is indeed the Most Sacred Value of the Democrat Party: Big Abortion MUST be preserved at all costs! We MUST protect a woman's right to get rid of An Inconvenient Youth!]

Lather rinse repeat.

[Blather, rant, re-Pitt.]

Gonna be a lot of smoke and sore-ass birds if this stupid idiotic self-destructive garbage comes up again on my watch.

[Wee Willie Threat Level: Orange. Now for the reaction in DUmmieland. . . .]

THe voice of reason!

[The voice of Riesling!]

Will, you're like a grownup among kindergartners.

[Junior High to High is more Will's speed.]

William! Take a deep breath and GO TO YOUR ROOM!!!!!!!!!

[Mother Pitt, aka DUmmie Raven, sends Wee Willie to his room, as she fetches the Lifebuoy.]

Willy is fired up!

[Willy is used to getting fired.]

How ever much you actually do post around here, Will... It's not enough. It's not nearly enough. Please post more. Thank you.

[Ah, the post worked! Praise for Pitt!]

Not that you're wrong, but the style is the greatest blow to your credibility since Fitzmas.

[Oh, oh! Someone said the "F" word! Pitt will not like this. . . .]

I'm Biblically knowing your chicadee at this exact moment.

[Willie gives him the bird. So to speak.]

Tell me again about the indictments, Lenny -- I mean Pitty. . . .

[Of Mice and Fitzmas.]

The only thing I've noticed in some of your posts that you've seemed to put a hurtin' on - is a bottle of liquor!

[A-hurtin' we will go, a-hurtin' we will go. . . .]

Burn their houses down! I would have thought that people uttering such a thing would be TSed.

[Pitt has a special "Get Out of Tombstoning" pass from the TSA.]

there are many places, such as Massachusetts, Illinois, and Kansas, where a DU can write in the name of The Pied Piper and it would not make a TANJ bit of difference. . . .

["The Pied Piper"?! Somebody's been reading the DUmmie FUnnies!]

After all this *is* the DEMOCRATIC Underground. Not the "Feckless, Braindead, Lunatic, Repubican-loving Underground"

[D*mn straight! This is the Feckless, Braindead, Lunatic, DEMOCRATIC Underground!]

WORD. That is all.

[WILL. That is all.]

You know where I live?

[Mom's basement?]

I support anyone's right to rant, but I still think your ego and need for being the center of attention, are very unflattering. "On YOUR watch"..... As my mother used to say, "who died and left you boss?"

[He is the Great and Powerful Pitt!]

Don't envy Will for his popularity. Envy his sophisticated ale palette!

[Beerness envy?]

Rant of the Year?

[Rant of the Beer?]

Threatening to burn their houses down? It seems like this thread should be locked AND deleted.

[OK, now wait for the comeback. . . .]

It will be..... in 24 business hours.


William Pitt - my hero of the day *sigh*

[The sought-after effect.]

I'm getting tired of your constant self-promotion and chest-beating on this board. . . .

[Correction: This time Will offered to beat his FACE.]

"deflower your chicadee" ???? ok, burn the guy's house to the ground if you must but i see no reason for avian abuse.


please video the chickadee bit. Inquiring minds want to know.

[benburch checks in.]

Holy sh*t, can someone please get WP some Tylenol?

[Tylenol the Bouncer.]

I do not believe this. What maniacs recommended this insane screed?

[Your fellow DUmmies.]

I know very well who the OP is. Which is why I'm not a member of his fawning fan club.

[The Will Pitt Fawning Fan Club is trying to get its membership back up, but this DUmmie ain't joinin'.]

Pitt, when you're on a bender like this I'd put nothing past you. I'm surprised you haven't started in with "sh*tdogs, f*ckwits and cretins" yet. Or have you forgotten about that?

[That was EARLY Peeved Sniper Pitt.]

When can we expect your "backstory" and apology of sorts?

[Cue "Self-Recanted Evening."]

Are you off your meds? Or drunk?

[He's William Pitt the Drunker.]

Hey, I post stupid shit when I'm drunk too, but d*mn. I think it's time to find a meeting.

[The only meeting Will wants to find is the Will Pitt Fawning Fan Club.]

Ahhh...the warm zephyrs of a Will Pitt Rant... Wafting over this forum.

[Like the breeze coming in off a landfill. . . .]



I'd say about three sentences into your "discussion" you stopped posting and started performing.

[I'd say first sentence.]

if there's anything more laughable than the bad writing it's the part about physical violence. If you've ever seen the guy behind those words, you know how funny it is.

[Are you implying Wee Willie could not back it up?! Have you SEEN him with a black cowboy hat on?!]

That was smoking hot stuff Will!! I think I love you.

[DUmmie shaniqua6392 loves it when Will talks tough.]

Sounds like you got your angry back.

[Last year Will had famously lost his Angry.]

William Rivers Pitt: an Oscar Wilde for this modern-day America!!!

[Will's Gone Wilde!]


Anonymous Anonymous said...

It's good to see Wet Willy being treated like the dullard and self-oiling wanker he is.

The boy is a drunken hackeysack, with emphasis on "drunk", "hack" and "sack".

He can't even spell testicle (testical?)

Perhaps if he owned a pair the hissyfits would taper off...

A bit.

9:28 AM  
Blogger Unknown said...

That's the funniest thing I've seen all day!

Of course, it's only 9:30. However, you should know I have very amusing mornings.

hilarious, even.

9:40 AM  
Blogger HottieBoy said...


I am a LOUSY FREEPER TROLL (like 30% of the posters) and finally got one of my comments posted on DUFU!!

Would I be giving away my identity if I told you what it was?

I left another comment on that thread that was deleted. I called Pitt a foul mouthed drunkard that pretty much summed up the DU in a nutshell.

Dang! I have done things on drinking night and woke up the next day thinking "OMG why did I do that??"

But I learn my lesson and don't do it again. Pitt just keeps doing it over and over and over.....

9:54 AM  
Blogger Beefeater said...

That's what I love about Pitts rants. I got a twofer on this one, 2 posts by 2 of my moles made DuFu today.
Maybe we are just talking to ourselves at the DUmp.

11:10 AM  
Blogger Tazzerman said...

Will is an ego-centric loser and always will be.

I bet he's got a REALLY small dick also..


11:42 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

hoo boy. This is a good one!

Will Pitt is the embodiment of every liberal weenie who ever lived. He's just perfect!


11:49 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Pitt reminds me of every bar room drunk I've met---just another inane, obscene ranter. Occasionaly amusing, mostly obnoxious, ultimately boring. He's the reason bar tenders keep baseball bats behind the bar.

2:37 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Pitt: Instant asshole, just add alcohol.

3:19 PM  
Blogger HottieBoy said...

I can imagine pit standing in front of a mirror all by himself, pretending to pull some imaginary guns from a holster or pointing at himself and cursing as if he were rehearsing a shouting match with someone.

Then I can imagine a puny little Pitt in public when confronting that same person that he was shouting at in the mirror. Oh how polite Pitt is now that the two are face to face.

Its very easy to feel like a big man while drunk behind a keyboard. How many of those words would he tell someone to their face?

I feel sorry for people whose lives are so lacking that they have to make one up and tell it to any stranger on the internet that will listen. The reality of being a loser has to set in eventually. It has to....

3:57 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Wow!! I shouldn't, but I actually pity Pitt. How sad that he's invested his personal happiness on whether the right piece of shit politician wins an election. And his world comes crashing down if he dosen't. Hey Will. Do yourself a favor and don't sweat it, they're politicians, that's a step below lawyer. Man losers like this make me and Uncle Grandpa so glad we're gun toting, toothless, truck driving, sheep fucking rednecks.

7:49 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Will is an ego-centric loser and always will be.

I bet he's got a REALLY small dick also..


Well, tazzerman, that would go a long way to explaining the whole 'chicadee' thing.

7:47 PM  
Blogger Mr. Right said...

Classic thread!

...And Tankerman, that last comment is an absolute gem!

I can't stop laughing...

2:43 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

"Whatever the reason, William "Cry me a" Rivers Pitt was in his cups and in a foul mood." PJ

Who the hell is William Rivers Pitt? I'm a DUmmie and I don't have a clue. How absolutely stupid of me to not know this monument of DUmminess. He must be influencing me from afar.

On the other hand, maybe he has nothing to do with anything. Novel concept, eh?

2:49 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Anonymous(2:49) said...

...I'm a DUmmie and I don't have a clue. ....

Well that's a start. Recognition of your problem is the first step to recovery. Good luck we're pulling for ya!!

12:01 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

"Good luck we're pulling for ya!!" skully

Thanks, skully. After your vote of confidence, I decided to look into the William Rivers Pitt affair and found him to be deserving of ridicule and humiliation. Go for it. Make me proud.

5:14 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm not gay but the brilliant and passionite writings of William Rivers Pitt gives me tingles.

4:13 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...



Friggin hysterical. Henrickson, you wonderful magnificent bastard! :o)

7:11 AM  
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