Wednesday, February 06, 2008

"Bill himself calling for cash, contacted HMOs, Big Oil, Walmart, Big Pharma...etc"

This morning, for the first time in years, I channeled the spirit of Kathryn Kuhlman. For those of you who may not remember, Kathryn Kuhlman was a preacher whose religious show ran on many channels. I'm not exactly sure what she was preaching but her style was so outlandish, as you can see in this VIDEO, that it overwhelmed any message she was trying to convey. Her signature line was "I BEEEEELEEEEEEVE in miracles!" As a youngster, I used to entertain my pals with an impression of that signature line. I also did a pretty good impression of Kathryn Kuhlman enthusiastically introducing her much younger, guido type piano player, Dino (DEEENO!), on each show. Sometimes I would even put in those false chopper type teeth into my mouth in imitation of Kathryn's own choppers and really get into how she used to drool over Dino (DEEEENO!). Years later I heard rumors that she was boffing Dino (DEEEENO!) so maybe I wasn't really exaggerating so much. Oh, and I used to get easy laughs doing impressions of Kathryn Kuhlman melodramatically doing mundane things like ordering cheeseburgers or opening a bank account. Even a few years after Kathryn went into the Great Beyond, she helped my romantic life by allowing me to break the ice with hot chicks by doing an impression of her for laughs. Eventually the memory of Kathryn Kuhlman faded to such an extent that the women I was trying to pick up began to treat me as some sort of sick stalker so I was eventually forced to retire my Kathryn Kuhlman impression...until now.

Yes, this morning, after waking up from a depressing night of pondering the possibility of John McCain as the Republican nominee, I felt the urge to channel the spirit of Kathryn Kuhlman again by shouting out, "I BEEEEEEEELEEEEEEVE in miracles!" with my patented Kuhlman impression voice. My wife briefly awoke from a deep sleep but fortunately retreated back to snooze mode before I would have to painfully explain what that was all about. And what that was all about was my hope that a miracle would occur to prevent the nomination of McCain. Perhaps he will have a Captain Queeg moment at the Republican Convention this summer that would force the embarassed delegates to nominate somebody else while McQueeg rants about the key to the strawberry ice cream locker or something similar.

However, as upset as many conservatives are, it is more than matched by those on the left who are angered by the antics of Hillary & co. in advancing her nomination as you can see in this DUmmie THREAD titled, "BREAKING: Bill himself calling for cash, contacted HMOs, Big Oil, Walmart, Big Pharma...etc." Yes, Hillary is now strapped for cash and Bill has been forced to dial for dollars. Just conjuring up that image of poor Bill working the phones is enough for me to forget about Insane McCaine for the moment. So let us now watch the DUmmies ponder Bill working his phone hustle in Bolshevik Red while the commentary of your humble correspondent, wondering if he can find those Kathryn Kuhlman choppers in an old footlocker, is in the [brackets]:


BREAKING: Bill himself calling for cash, contacted HMOs, Big Oil, Walmart, Big Pharma...etc.


[Is he also selling time shares and precious metals investments?]


Asking for cash for his wife's campaign!


[Free box of Monica Cigars for every contribution over a thousand bucks.]


Nothing can help her except MORE lobbyists money and more cash from her biggest and most loyal donors! Free Trade loving Corporate America! Remember NAFTA?


[Yup! That giant sucking sound. Or is that Monica that I'm remembering?]


Nothing surprises me about these people anymore


[Glad to see you finally wake up, Little Sheba!]


Prosititutes are only in it for the money Paula Jones was a prostitute. Monica was just a ho.


[Thank you for that enlightening economics lesson.]


you are a real piece of .... incredibly vile sexist crap you're spewing. Monica Lewinski was not a "ho". She was a young woman who was star struck. It's hardly an uncommon thing. Frankly, I think Bill took advantage of her, but calling her a ho is completely beyond the pale. Why don't you go to freeperville if you want to spew that shit?


[She was the patroness of the Blue Dress.]


Monica was not a whore, just a girlfriend on the side, Bill is now LOYAL to his wife, he is tryinghard to move back into the WH! To do more cigar tricks!


[Ah! I remember back to the good ol' days when a cigar was just a cigar.]


its sexist and hugely annoying. calling a woman a prostitute because she slept with the president is also non sensical


[I don't think they even reached the sleep stage. The bathroom sink was pretty much the zenith of their romanctic involvement.]


At this point, I almost wouldn't care if Bill wangled a huge kickback - from an arms deal that sold radioactive landmines to Kyrgyzstan.


[Wasn't Borat the middleman on that deal?]

6 Comments:

Anonymous Anon 1:50 said...

Can it be? Has the Clenis & Clunt Show hit serious financial trouble?

I seem to recall them armtwisting everyone they could lay hands on to give the max donations allowable by law WAY back at the start of the campaign.

This was when Barack began getting thousands of small donations from people who can, and apparently are, giving more.

But the Clinton well may be dry!

There is nothing more tortured than a liberal democrat without piles of other people's money to spend.

How delightful!

10:40 PM  
Anonymous Ray said...

"Prosititutes are only in it for the money Paula Jones was a prostitute. Monica was just a ho."

So, Paula Jones' sexual assault lawsuit was actually an attempt to collect her fee? That's a new one! I guess Bill should have paid the 20 bucks.

"you are a real piece of .... incredibly vile sexist crap you're spewing. Monica Lewinski was not a "ho"."

What about Paula Jones?

"Monica was not a whore, just a girlfriend on the side..."

But what about Paula Jones?

"its sexist and hugely annoying. calling a woman a prostitute because she slept with the president is also non sensical"

Once again, what about Paula Jones? Wasn't she actually assaulted by Mr. Happy Pants when he was a governor? Where's your sympathy for her? Oh, that's right, she accused a DEMOCRAT, didn't she? That makes her the enemy, now and forever.

It's obvious that, even after all these years, even after the DUmmies themselves say otherwise, these idiots still support Mr. Happy Pants and will not condemn him for his actions as Governor and President. So why the FUCK are they complaining now when Bill's just being Bill?

11:40 AM  
Anonymous DumbAss Tanker said...

Sadly, it does look like McCain, unless he decides to take up train surfing between now and November. Not that he isn't nuts enough to try.

3:03 PM  
Anonymous true patriot said...

YET ANOTHER VICTIM OF CHIMPOLEONS' FASCIST AMERIkkkA!!!

5:06 PM  
Anonymous Shambhala said...

Hmmmm ... has anyone seen T-man and TP at the same time?

Makes ya think ...

11:58 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

You are one sick puppy!

1:12 AM  

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