Herald Of The Republic 03-26-07

CITIZENS OF THE REPUBLIC!!! I bring you greetings from our Glorious Leader, Li'l Beaver! And now for the news of the day:

The hideously ugly muff munching baby buying bitch known as Rosie O'Donnell has emitted yet another foul fart! This time her flatulence came in the form of an assinine assertion that the British sailor hostages captured themselves to stage another Gulf of Tonkin event in order to initiate a war with Iran. Remember, those heavy clouds of mental stench arrive daily from Rosie care of The View!

Sean Penn had a profound thought! Sean Penn had a profound thought! When he remembers what it is, the self-important, chip-on-the-shoulder Penn, most noted for binding and gagging his slutty Kabbalistic wannabee ex-wife Madonna, shall impart it to us. Until then it appears to remain shoved up in a Penn where the moon don't shine.

The clean and articulate presidential candidate, Barack Obama, stiffs his childhood chum! Obama heavily featured his high school buddy, Keith Kakugawa, in his book, Dreams From My Father. In this book, from which Barack earned a pretty penny, his friend was called "Ray" or you can call him "Ray" or maybe even call him "Ray." This former mentor of the clean and articulate candidate has fallen on hard times and when he called the senator from a pay phone on Los Angeles' skid row asking for some financial help, the curt response was Not One Damn Dime!

The Deadly Dull former presidential candidate, Humorless Tom Vilsack, has formally announced his candidacy for vice-president in the form of a letter of endorsement for the big-assed New York senator and presidential candidate, Hillary Clinton! Vilsack is most noted for being confused with a jar of Vlasic pickles and for being the first presidential candidate in and the first one out of the 2008 race. Free tablets of No-Doze will be distributed at future Vlasic speeches should he end up as the Veep Candidate of the Cattle Futures Market wizard.

All Citizens of the Republic are urged to invest in their financial future! And what better investment to make than in the Baby Futures Market? If you are a degenerate debauched celeb, buy your Baby Futures now to fix the price for when you are ready to purchase the baby of your choice in the future. As just an investment it can't be beat. Buy a Baby Future low now and sell high to a sanity-challenged Hollywood type later on when such babies are at a premium. Remember, buying babies is a growing fad among the jaded liberal elite otherwise unqualified to adopt so as an investment it can't be beat.