Herald Of The Republic

CITIZENS OF THE REPUBLIC!!! I bring you greetings from our Glorious Leader, Li'l Beaver! And now for the news of the day:

Let it be known to one and all that the drug-addicted whore-hunter, Charlie Sheen, has completely lost his mind! Between hits on his crack pipe, Sheen has begun spewing 9/11 Truther nonsense involving a U.S. government conspiracy to bring down the Twin Towers. Any citizen spotting the debauched Sheen is urged to detain him for the authorities to place into detox once again.

House in Disarray! House in Disarray! Bills stuck in committee! Waxman's nose out of joint! Corrupt Jack Murtha sobbing on the House floor. Steny Hoyer not on speaking terms with the Speaker. And the Speaker forced to bribe with pork the passage of a traitorous bill filled with lawyerly provisos designed to undercut our troops in Iraq. A bill which has no hopes of ever becoming law due to an imminent veto should the Senate ever be duped into passing it.

Barbara Walters has declared Hugo Chavez to be "passionate." The TV celeb with the notable speech impediment has not yet quite declared her unbridled love for the crazed Venezuelan but she definitely has the hots for him. Will she give it up to him? Perhaps the striken Fidel can provide the answer.

The hostage taking insane president of Iran, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, cancelled his UN trip to New York in the wake of more hostages being taken in the form of British sailors. Rumor had it that the trip was cancelled due to the insane president not being allowed to bring his butterfly net to the UN podium.

The Vampiress Angelina Jolie has purchased another child in Vietnam! Take heed from her example. Are you completely unfit to adopt due to mental health problems involving rampant vampirism? Do you wear vials of blood around your neck, cut chunks out of your flesh, and cover your body with ugly tattoos of indecipherable cult-like rantings? Then there is good news for you. Child adoption is still possible at the Jaded Liberal Celeb Adoption Agency. For the right price, this agency can purchase for you the foreign baby from the country of your choice. And as an additional bonus, for an extra payment, you can buy it an embarrassing new name of your choosing. Remember, all baby purchases are PAID for in advance.