DUmmies Are NOT Amused
Good news! The DUmmie FUnnies has NOT been chosen to be a finalist in the 2006 Weblog Awards thus preventing any possibilty that it could be a winner in the Humor category this year. Huh? So how could being a loser be good news? Well, at first I was completely bummed out about not being chosen as a finalist but then I realized that this is not the year to win that award. Next year is the time to win the Best Humor Blog Award because the awards ceremonies will be taking place for the first time in Las Vegas in November. Since the winner of one year almost never wins the following year, my chances of winning in 2007, when it really COUNTS, has gone up dramatically as a result. Also I am already generating a bit of interest in my idea of putting myself on display at the Las Vegas BlogWorld Convention (where the awards ceremonies will take place) in an exihibit booth as an example of the "Bloggo Sapien" species. Bloggo Sapiens thrive in their habitat of a computer desk, reclining chair, and glowing monitor. Plus they are clad only in a T-shirt and boxer trunk underpants as I would be as part of the Bloggo Sapien zoo exhibit. The main source of nourishment for Bloggo Sapiens is a constantly filled mug of coffee. So if you plan to attend the 2007 BlogWorld Convention (and Weblog Awards ceremony) in Las Vegas be sure to visit the Bloggo Sapien exhibit.
And speaking of humor, apparently the DUmmies have NONE as you can see in this THREAD angrily titled, "WTF?????" What happened is that a vicious rightwing Republican father of a clueless DUmmie sent him a FUnnie Christmas card which OUTRAGED the DUmmie who is now seeking counseling in DUmmieland on how to respond. I don't what is FUnnier, the FUnnie Christmas card or the angry response of the DUmmie. So let us now read the Christmas card and the DUmmie response in Bolshevik Red while the commentary of your humble correspondent, already fantasizing about his coronation in Las Vegas next November as the Emperor Of All The Humor Blogospheres, is in the [brackets]:
[Stand by for DUmmie outrage over the "crime of the century."]
Help! My dumb-ass Republican dad, sent me this horrible little Christmas greeting today. I am a bit pissed off about it, and would like to return the gesture!!! Does anyone know of a good website, or have a nice little poem or saying, that I could use to send to him??
[Help! I'm too much of a dumb-ass to respond in kind to my Republican dad's sense of humor so I need help from equally clueless fellow DUmmies!!!]
For Our Democratic Friends & Family:
"Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit, our best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low-stress, non-addictive, gender-neutral celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasion and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all. We also wish you a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2006, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make America great. Not to imply that America is necessarily greater than any other country nor the only America in the Western Hemisphere. And without regard to the race, creed, color, age, physical ability, religious faith or sexual preference of the wishee. By accepting these greetings you are accepting these terms. This greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal. It is freely transferable with no alteration to the original greeting. It implies no promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for herself or himself or others, and is void where prohibited by law and is revocable at the sole discretion of the wisher. This wish is warranted to perform as expected within the usual application of good tidings for a period of one year or until the issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting, whichever comes first, and warranty is limited to replacement of this wish or issuance of a new wish at the sole discretion of the wisher."
For Our Republican Friends & Family:
Here's wishing all of You a
Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year and may GOD bless you all!!
[LOL! And this is what caused the conniption fit in this DUmmie who is now completely UNABLE to respond to humor in kind.]
Maybe he just thinks it's funny
[Now how could anyone possibly get that idea?]
You don't understand. He is really mean when it comes to politics. Bill O and Rush are his idols. He sent this to me out of spite!! I just would like to jab back at him for once!
[DADA!!! You always get the better of me in the humor department! Can't I win for once!]
Maybe you two need to stop discussing politics if this is such an issue for you.
[That plan sure works in my family.]
OK, then maybe this year you should celebrate Festivus.
That way you can air your grievances and challenge him to some feats of strength.
[Maybe you should celebrate Leftivus and beat your dad in a bile producing contest.]
I can't think of anything off hand, but I'll think about it.
[Send us a postcard when you finally get a clue.]
You can't teach a conservative comedy. You're more likely to teach a dog trigonometry.
[Or teaching a DUmmie sanity.]
For republican friends and family - Allow me to offer a free ride to the Army Recruiting Station. And I'll be sure to pick up a magnetic yellow ribbon to my put on my car for you.
[For DUmmie friends and family - Allow me to offer a free ride to the sanitarium. And I'll be sure to pick up a magnetic leather strip to put in your foaming mouth.]
Tell him HAPPY SATURNALIA! and promise to remember him to the goddess while you're dancing naked around the pagan fertility symbol in your living room.
[At least you just put a big smile on ben burch's face.]
Maybe your adopted and he is not your father really. I cannot imagine sending something like that to my son or daugher even if they were evil republicans.
[Maybe "your" in an alternate universe.]
For Our Racist Republican Friends & Family:
Here's wish you a WHITE Christmas.
[Quoteth the inarticulate DUmmie about to be disowned by his family.]
Tell your dad you find him as you do his greeting, shallow as an Earl Scheib paint job.
[Hey! I resent that remark you just made about Tammy Faye Bakker's makeup artist.]
Merry Christmas to all republicans a.k.a. Christians from Hell.
[HA! HA! HA! What an incredibly subtle wit you have there!]
Order him a subscription to "The Nation" for X-mas.
And a copy of Howard Zinn's "A Peoples History of The United States, 1492-Present".
[And don't forget to present him with a printout of one of Pied Piper Pitt's many copy & paste arcane policy papers that he has been posting lately in DUmmieland.
A punch your dad's mouth, destroy all presents he gives you so he will not get his money back, then disown him. If he doesn't accept you for you, then he is not a good father.
[Ah! The soft touch always works.]
To our Republican friends... Here's hoping you can take a moment off from slaughtering people around the world, exploding the national deficit, giving tax breaks to billionaires, rigging elections, raping the environment and poisoning the public discourse long enough to enjoy a happy, peaceful and prosperous holiday, no matter what your religious affiliation or lack thereof.
[No good. You left out the part about starving the cheeeeldrun.]
Respond back and say... "Happy Kwanza!"
[Celebrated almost everywhere EXCEPT in Africa.]
Because he's your father I'll presume he has other redeeming qualities - but I think sending you that email just sucks. I don't know what is wrong with people who think it's cute to ridicule their own kids. This is a prime example of shittier behavior than using a curse word and why I can't stand hypocrites who will do garbage like this while pompously patting themselves on the back for not cussing.
[Ridicule a DUmmie? Whoever heard of such a thing?]
Send him a picture of Osama Bin Laden and tell him that JESUS CHRIST HIMSELF looked Pretty Much like HIM..
[That was the BDS INFECTED DUmmie symbolman who somehow knows what Jesus looked like.]
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