Steny Hoyer Seeks Protection Help From The Godfather
Since Fox News is planning a new comedy show, I will occasionally be posting skit ideas as part of a blatant shilling attempt to get a writing position with that show. This is the first of my self-promoting attempts. I got the basic premise of this idea from Rush Limbaugh who recently speculated that with Steny Hoyer seeking protection for his supporters against the wrath of Nancy Pelosi, that it sounded like the Mafia was running the Congress. In that spirit, I now present a satirical script in which Hoyer seeks help from the Godfather in protecting his supporters...
(Steny Hoyer enters the office of Don Vito Corleone. He kisses the ring on the Godfather's hand and sits down.)
CORLEONE: We've known each other many years, but this is the first time you came to me for counsel, for help. I can't remember the last time that you invited me to your house for a cup of coffee, even though my wife is godmother to your only child. But let's be frank here: you never wanted my friendship. And uh, you were afraid to be in my debt.
HOYER: I didn't want to get into trouble.
CORLEONE: I understand. You found paradise in Congress, had a safe seat, made a good living. The Capitol police protected you; and there were courts of law. And you didn't need a friend of me. But uh, now you come to me and you say -- "Don Corleone give me justice." -- But you don't ask with respect. You don't offer friendship. You don't even think to call me Godfather. Instead, you come into my house on the day my daughter is to be married, and you uh ask me to do protection, for money.
HOYER: I ask you for justice. My supporters will suffer greatly at the hands of the Evil Lady, Nancy Pelosi.
CORLEONE: But your supporters are still alive.
HOYER: She will make them suffer. Please, she must suffer as she has threatened to make my supporters suffer or else she must be made to disappear...How much shall I pay you?
CORLEONE: Steny...Steny... What have I ever done to make you treat me so disrespectfully? Had you come to me in friendship, then this scum that threatened your supporters would be suffering this very day. And that by chance if an honest man such as yourself should make enemies, then they would become my enemies. And then they would fear you.
HOYER (bowing and kissing hand): Be my friend -- Godfather?
CORLEONE: Good... Some day, and that day may never come, I'll call upon you to do a service for me. But uh, until that day -- accept this justice as a gift on my daughter's wedding day.
HOYER (leaving office): Grazie, Godfather.
CORLEONE (to Tom Hagen): Give this brown bag of $50,000 to Murtha. I want reliable people; people that aren't gonna be carried away and can redeploy Pelosi safely far away from Congress.
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