A FUnnie look at the loony residents of the Democratic Underground aka DUmmies in particular and the Leftwing Blogosphere in general.
Wednesday, September 24, 2014
"If you were president how would you respond to the threat from ISIS?"
I'm baaaaaack! As I told you on Monday I now have a lot more time on my hands because the couponing has gotten so lousy. So in addition to posting a lot more DUFUs in the future I also have time to work as a writer for a new comedy show, THE FLIPSIDE, which appears on over 200 stations and online. Here is a CLIP from the most recent show.
Okay, back to the DUmmies...they have now put on their version of a war face in this THREAD, "If you were president how would you respond to the threat from ISIS?" As you can see, the DUmmies putting on their pretend CIC caps yields some amusing results. The average DUmmie would respond to the threat to ISIS by making corporations illegal. So let us now watch the DUmmies enter the War Room in Bolshevik Red while the commentary of your humble correspondent, wondering if this DUmmie thread will yield up some Flipside comedy material, is in the [brackets]:
If you were president how would you respond to the threat from ISIS?
[Time to play DCC, Dummie Commander-In-Chief.]
Ignore it ... while reserving the right to be outraged when something bad happens.
[Like if an Evil Republican is spotted and in that case send in the Tomahawks.]
Supply non-military aid to all of the surrounding countries to allow them to focus their own resources on ISIS. Build hospitals, schools, roads, utilities.
[Don't forget about sending in MRIs. Oh, wait! Obama already did that to help Ukraine meet the Russian threat.]
Pull 100% of our troops, ships, and planes out of Iraq, Iran, and the mid-east.... cut the military budget in half - spend the money on developing new energy in the US. At that point, Isis wouldn't care about us.
[Spend the money on solar powered windmills and let ISIS laugh themselves to death.]
Good intell and police work to keep them from entering the US or attacking us here.
[Yeah, no way they could enter the USA by crossing the Rio Grande. That border is locked down tight.]
US bombs are not the answer.
[How about pillow cushions?]
Ever heard of convictions for money laundering and illicit trade?
[Bomb them with indictments!!!]
ISIL emerged when we left Iraq. Our getting involved happened in 2003. Our getting uninvolved happened in 2011.
[LOUSY FREEPER TROLL!!!]
They are no threat to the US
[Unlike the true threat...those EVIL Republicans.]
Basically, improve construction here, and utilize existing talent within the US to improve health, security and infrastructure to reduce threat, while benefiting society as a whole.
[It was the construction of the Golden Gate bridge that defeated the Japanese.]
I would focus on world hunger, mosquito nets for malaria infested countries, increasing world literacy rates, and things like that. I would try to be force for what I consider to be good, which would save significantly more lives than dealing with ISIS.
[Posted a DUmmie waving a butterfly net.]
I would have.. Arrested the Bush administration and handed them over to them in return for the hostages.
[The Bush administration will be indicted in just 24 business hours.]
The Beaver is BACK! Li'l Beaver,
that is. Yes, that lovable, cigar-chomping mascot of the DUmmie FUnnies is here
to tell you: The DUFUs are back in business! After some months of
on-and-off-again editions, DUmmie FUnnies founder PJ-Comix and affable co-host
Charles Henrickson (yours truly) have decided to give it another go, just in
time for the midterm election season. As you'll recall, here at DUmmie FUnnies
we take an entertaining look at the Looney Left, particularly at the postings found
at Democratic Underground, the home of those wacky moonbats affectionately
known as the DUmmies.
PJ kicked things off yesterday,
September 22, which was the TENTH ANNIVERSARY of the first-ever, official,
stand-alone edition of the DUmmie FUnnies. From there, the DUmmie FUnnies
rapidly grew to be one of the most popular features on the internets. The Andy
Stephenson Situation, Pied Piper Pitt, Fitzmas Freudenschade, Trust-Fund Ted
and the Occupests, Know-it-all Nadin--the DUmmie FUnnies has been there to
chronicle it all. And now, as a Democrat Debacle looms likely in November, we
will once again get to witness the DUmmies go absolutely CRAAAAZY!
One of the traits of your average
DUmmie is that it thinks that everything that doesn't go their way is the
result of some vast right-wing conspiracy. For example, if Dan Rather falls for
forged memos, it's due to a Perfect Rovian Storm. If a Democrat loses an
election, it's Diebold fixing the machines. If Karl Rove hasn't been
frog-marched yet, it's because the indictment is still sealed. It's always
And so it is today, with this THREAD,
"Somebody sure wants me to hate ISIS." DUmmie Saboburns is wondering
out loud: Who put the ISIS in CRISIS? You see, it can't be because ISIS is an
evil, murderous organization that goes around beheading innocent people. No, it
must be a right-wing plot of some sort, brainwashing the 'Murican people into a
frenzy of hate, so that the Military-Industrial Complex can launch us into
another war. That must be it. Many of the DUmmies agree with DUmmie Saboburns,
but even those who think that's a little TOO wacky, they at least feel that we
'Muricans DESERVE to have our heads lopped off.
But before we get to the DUmmies,
let's sing this song that sums up the belief of DUmmie Saboburns. Click the
music link and sing along!
YOU'VE GOT TO BE CAREFULLY TAUGHT
(not to want to be beheaded)
To hate and fear Those who'd cut off your head From ear to ear It's got to be from A Rethuglican smear You've got to be carefully taught
You've got to be taught
To hate the guts Of people whose knives Make
murd'rous cuts It can't
be because They're
just evil and nuts You've
got to be carefully taught
You've got to be taught--
Those can't be your views! Those viewpoints were bought-- It must be the Jooos! They're
shaping your thought-- And there's
always Fox News! You've
got to be carefully taught!
So let us now take this voyage into
DUmmieland, where the rantings of the DUmmies are in Bolshevik Red, while the
commentary of your humble guest correspondent, the wag tailoring the doggerel,
Charles Henrickson--wondering how Li'l Beaver spent his summer vacation--is in
Somebody sure wants me to hate ISIS
[Who put the ISIS in CRISIS?]
5 weeks ago I'd rarely/barely heard
[10 years ago you thought somebody
set up Dan Rather.]
5 weeks ago I'd rarely/barely heard
of ISIS. Now it's the most hated outfit on the planet.
[Except in DUmmieland, where the
most hated outfit is the racist Rethuglican Party.]
It certainly didn't take long to be
taught to hate them.
[Yes, DUmmie Saboburns, you've got
to be taught not to want to be beheaded. There can be no other explanation.]
And that makes me ponder a few
[Ponder away, DUmmie Saboburns,
while we hear from your fellow DUmmies . . .]
And we read, and we watched, all
the specially selected news...
[That's got to be it. And so,
somewhere, in some auto dealer's waiting room, Doug Bulna is disabling Fox News
on the television set and hiding the remote.]
They've beheaded Americans on
video. Why wouldn't you hate them?
[STOP! Stop, DUmmie woolldog!
You're making too much sense!]
We've obliterated hundreds of
Iraqi, Pakistani, Afghan and Yemeni children with our drone strikes. Why
wouldn't they hate us?
[It's our fault! We deserve it!]
So your solution is to allow them
to behead our citizens.
[Yes! Please! It's the least we can
Thankfully Obama has more sense
[Definitely. He doesn't get too
worked up over these things. Whenever he hears of another ISIS attack, Obama
beheading to the golf course.]
where have I heard this f***ing
bullsh*t before? Oh yeah... I remember now... ... it's precisely the same line
of lies used by George W Bush, Dick Cheney and company to drag us into Iraq in
the last gigantic f***up. You want to fight those people? Have at it, jump on a
plane and go do it. ON YOUR OWN F***ING DIME.
[Only a F***ING RETHUGLICAN like
Chimpy McBushitler or Darth Cheney would get so upset over Americans getting
The current situation in Iraq &
Syria is a direct result of the actions of the Bush Regime. ISIS would not have
existed without the invasion of Iraq. . . .
[In other words . . . everyone? . .
. BUSH'S FAULT!]
Ten yrs have gone by, and it's a
different world because of it.
[Ten years have gone by, and
DUmmieland is still the same.]
What reason do you have to think
this criticism of O administration is hate for him?
[Whenever anyone criticizes
President Obama, it can only be one thing: RACISM!]
Bombing ISIL will not prevent
beheadings, nor bring back those who are dead. Bombing ISIL will only make them
[Really, we should be bombing
ourselves. That may placate them.]
Obama is not demonstrating any kind
of prudence on this issue. He's being led by the nose.
We need to send them strongly
worded letters expressing our disapproval. If they still refuse to cooperate,
their name will be removed from the Secret Santa box.
[I detect a note of sarcasm.]
Consensus among the pro-war faction
here seems to be that Obama is attacking ISIL because the publicized beheadings
have left him no choice but to do so. If that is indeed true, then Obama is
committing both a grievous error and a war crime.
[IMPEACH OBAMA NOW! CHIMPY MCSAME!
TO THE HAGUE WITH HIM!]
Obama and Kerry are seeking to
unite the region...and the world...around a solution to a bad situation, of
which ISIS is only a part.
[John Kerry has Obama's back.
Doesn't that fill you with confidence?]
I call ISIS' worldview tribal
because it is. It's ummah versus everybody, with genocide as the goal (preceded
by "pacification" or Islamization by imposing the proper order on the
world--Islam on top, then others that have some revelation, and the destruction
or conversion of everybody else).
[But wait! I thought the Islamic
State in Iraq and Syria wasn't Islamic!? Dear Leader told us so!]
If you see a giant hill of manure, some cows
are nearby in the field, and it smells like bullsh*t . . .
[. . . it's the DUnghill, aka the
Putting out videos of themselves
beheading Americans might play some role.
You are being played.
[Yeah, why do you let such things
upset you? Can't you see it's all a right-wing plot?]
Should we do anything to try to
rescue the hostages?
[Ah, who cares? What difference
does it make?]
Does ISIS really pose an
existential threat to the U.S.?
[Really. I mean, what could Islamic
terrorists do to us anyway?]
It's easy to dupe the American
public. . . .
[DUmmieland: Putting the DU in
So ISIL, in your view, is the
victim of a corporate smear campaign?
[Totally innocent freedom fighters.
Those "beheadings" are just photoshopped in there.]
More likely the fabrication of
those who would keep us in perpetual war.
[I think you're right, DUmmie
Scuba. They get those prefab "beheads" from the prop shop. Well done
"Created for profit" is
You think you have an explanation
that isn't a conspiracy theory? You just said that your suggestion is that a
secret cabal created ISIS for profit. In what way is a claim of a secret cabal
manipulating world governments and murdering hundreds of people for profit not
a conspiracy theory?
[It's not a conspiracy theory if
DUmmie Scuba says it's not a conspiracy theory.]
The name of this consortium is 'The
[AKA the JOOOOOOOS!!!]
People like John McCain, Lindsay
Graham, Dick Cheney.....the usual suspects.
[Jooos, all of them. And you left
out Karl Rove.]
what's not to love about
misogynist, homophobic, theocratic thugs marching across a huge swath of the
[Are you talking about the Neocons
I used to joke about Dick Cheney
making the Osama bin Laden videos in his basement. Now we know he didn't need
to resort to that - they are making them right in the Pentagon (or at Langley).
It's pitifully transparent at this point but still the masses go for it.
[You know, at the end of those ISIS
clips, I think the "A Dick Cheney Production" is a dead giveaway.]
Seriously? You think the ISIS
videos are made at the Pentagon?
[I mean, really! I think Langley is
MUCH more likely!]
Yesterday, my DUFU co-conspirator, Charles Henrickson, reminded me that today is the 10th anniversary of the DUmmie FUnnies which originated in the wake of the "fake but accurate" documents revelation of the 60 Minutes "revelation" about George W. Bush in the Texas Air National Guard. It was the start of many hilarious reactions of the DUmmies to events in the news, the next big one being John F. Kerry's loss in the election. And who can forget Fitzmas where WILLIAM RIVERS PITT is still waiting 24 business hours for Karl Rove to be indicted. So many of you might have wondered why so few stories recently.
Well, I have some lousy excuses but the primary ones are that almost everything the DUmmies have posted lately looks like a road already traveled and just didn't interest me. The other excuse is that I was deep into couponing. Some days I would work it from early A.M. until 11 P.M..
Okay, now that I got the excuses out of the way, let me tell you why things might soon change. IF the elections this year go the way I hope, then renewed angst from the DUmmies will provide fresh material for months or even years to come. As to couponing, something strange happened. In stark contrast to the incredible deals I used to see, such deals have become few and far between. My suspicion is that coupon consultants have been hired just to make coupon deals tougher. Suddenly stores have stricter rules and the coupon deals have gotten weaker and weaker. For example, up to about 3 years ago body was was frequently available for FREE almost every other week. Nowadays, you will be lucky to find such a deal twice in a year. This past July was my worst couponing month in five years...until August which was even worse. And now September appears to be even worse that August. Yeah, I still save money and still rarely pay full price for anything but the days of mass quantities of good for FREE via coupons appear to be over. Therefore, less time for couponing means more time for DUFUing. That plus hopefully good news early in November will mean a much higher frequency of the DUFUs.
Okay, so now a DUFU for today. In this case, we see that Hillary might not get the automatic coronation she is hoping for as you can see in this THREAD, "MSNBC: Climate activists not ready for Hillary." Almost as much FUn as a DUmmie meltdown would be a Hillary meltdown. This time Hillary MUST be coronated. It won't happen again. And the DUmmies apparently aren't going to make it easy for her. So let us now watch the DUmmies slam Hillary in Bolshevik Red while the commentary of your humble correspondent, looking forward to more DUmmie fireworks is in the [brackets]:
Climate activists not ready for Hillary
[Neither are DUmmies.] NEW YORK – Some of the prominent environmental activists who gathered Sunday in New York City for a massive climate change march are not ready to support Hillary Clinton if she decides to run for president.
[Vote Bernie and cause Hillary conniption fit.] “I think Hillary Clinton has an awful lot to demonstrate to environmentalists and people who care about climate change,” Bill McKibben, the founder of 350.org, who helped organize the march, told msnbc. “She oversaw the complete fiasco that was the Copenhagen Conference as secretary of state. That was the biggest foreign policy failure since Munich. It’s not a proud record.”
[Since Munich? How about Benghazi?] And on Sunday, Clinton allies defended her environmental bona fides. “As Secretary Of State, Hillary Clinton led efforts to combat the growing threat of climate change both at home and abroad. Clinton created a special envoy for climate change, and she launched the Climate and Clean Air Coalition – a group of 37 countries that agreed to work to reduce their emissions. At the Clean Energy Summit held recently in Nevada, Clinton said climate change is ‘the most consequential, urgent, sweeping collection of challenges we face as a nation and a world,’” said Adrienne Watson of the pro-Clinton rapid response group Correct the Record.
[Rapid excuse is more like it and now on to the DUmmies...] And speaking of war: Who's the single worst polluter on the planet? If you guessed, "The U.S. Defense Department," give yourself a prize. So, Hillary's unflagging support for military adventurism is not just a single issue. It's also an endorsement of climate destruction.
[So the Defense Department is the reason all those Chinese in Peking have to wear face masks while breathing their brown air?] She betrayed us and joined with George Bush. How can you ever trust her?
[SHE BETRAYED US! </ algore_impression>] 'How Hillary Clinton's State Department sold fracking to the world'
[Don't worry. Matt Damon will still vote for Hillary.] No more dynasties.
[I'll trade you a Jeb Bush for a Hillary Clinton to NOT run in 2016.] There will be a robust primary with many challengers to the Inevitable.
[Who? Bernie and Biden?] The Clintons will discover that it was way too early for them to start campaigning under the guise of the book tour - premature electionation will do them in as the errors in judgement when Hillary speaks keep piling up in that long duration of time to the election.
[Perhaps she will just continue to say NOTHING.] They will not be able to hold up - Hillary started speaking out on many issues around the book opening, and then suddenly goes silent on current events, like Ferguson, and then takes a bland, noncommittal stance that a focus group suggests is best, as to not alienate anyone. This is not leadership material and people are getting it.
[Despite the clamshell act, she can still get nominated.]
I am a 30,000 year old reincarnated being who materializes once every 5000 years in a Las Vegas hotel suite. My greatest goal in my eternal life is to spend 6 months on a small tropical island with Mary Matalin doing nothing but pitching a DUmmie FUnnies book (with CD-ROM insert) deal with her. If you happen to be Mary Matalin, please contact me at:
email@example.com. If you are anybody else, you can contact me there too. Remember, if you are a book publisher, please feel free to embarrass me with an extravagant book advance.