Tuesday, November 08, 2011

Pied Piper Pitt: "Woke up this morning just covered in Fail."

William Rivers Pitt: Citizen. Journalist. Activist. International best-selling author. Bouncer at Bukowski's. Pied Piper of DUmmieland. Where Mr. Pitt leads, the DUmmies will surely follow.

And the Magic Man always leads by example. He stood up next to a mountain with Andy. He stood in a ditch with Mother Sheehan, braving furious fire ants for, oh, a good ten, fifteen minutes. William Pitt the Bolder nailed the Downing Street Memos to the White House door, at least mentally, on the Day When Everything Finally Changed. And Journalist Pitt BROKE the Fitzmas scoop on the Rove sealed indictment when no one else would touch it! Yes, if there is truth to be spoken to power, William Rivers Pitt will be OUT THERE, leading the charge!

Now, as we count down the 24 business hours until the Ninth of November, when a grateful nation celebrates the 40th anniversary of the Nativity of William the Conjurer, it is thrilling to see Mr. Pitt spring into action once again, leading the way for the rest of us, in the Righteous Cause DU Jour, namely, the mighty Occupy movement.

But the road to reform is strewn with setbacks, as William seems to be indicating by the title of this THREAD, "Woke up this morning just covered in Fail."

So let us now find out what has happened to Mr. Pitt to cause him such distress, in Bolshevik Red, while the commentary of your humble guest correspondent, Charles Henrickson, wondering how the OccupAnts will honor Pitt on his 40th birthday for leading the way for them--for us!--is in the [brackets]:

Woke up this morning just covered in Fail.

[Oh, dear William, pray, tell us, what ill has befallen you in your STRUGGLE for truth and justice? I know. It must be those D*MN Rethuglicans!]

My father went to the University of Alabama. . . .

[Hmm. This must have something to do with the principles of progress and social justice that your dear pater learned at that august institution and then instilled, lovingly, in you. I see, I see.]

My father went to the University of Alabama, so I am a Tide fan.

[Huh? Wha?]


[Football? You're squawking about FOOTBALL??]

My wife is from Pittsburgh, and is a Steelers fan. Fail.

[Now you're upset about YOUR WIFE'S FOOTBALL TEAM??? Here I thought this would be about how the jackbooted thug police were persecuting you as you stood on the front lines of the Occupy protest, leading the way in the global revolution! The Pittsburgh Steelers?? Really?? What about the Wall Street Stealers?!]

I am from New England, and am a Patriots fan. Big Fat Hairy 18-1 Flashbacking Tyree F*** Sh*t @$$ B*lls G*d D*mn It Anyway FAIL.

[My asterisk key is getting low.]

Gonna be one of those weeks when I have to avoid Sportscenter at all costs.

[Why are you avoiding THE OCCUPY PROTESTS at all costs??]

I had a deep rooting interest in what were arguably the three biggest games of the weekend. . . .

[OccupiedWillPitt was just too busy to be bothered with anything else. William, what about your "deep rooting interest" in rooting out the root causes of ECONOMIC INJUSTICE, my friend? Why aren't you out there, standing shoulder to shoulder with your sisters and brothers on the front lines? Have you become Hiding Hypocrite Pitt?]

in every instance, in every game, one after the other after the other...Screwn.

[Your Occupy comrades...Screwn. By yewn.]

It isn't just the weekend's serial defeats, so much as it is the manner in which they came to pass. An LSU field goal in OT after a magnificent defensive struggle...an Eli Manning thunderclap of a drive with a minute left on the clock...and Joe Fa Chr*ssakes Flacco drives the field against a Steelers D that's only old on paper and throws a strike to win with eight seconds left? Yeah. That happened.

[OccuPied Piper Pitt sat home with his recliner and remote while his fellow Progs endured beatdowns and pepper gas. Yeah. That happened.]

Yes yes yes, poor me and my three Super Bowls, two World Series wins, one NBA championship and an unutterably satisfying Stanley Cup victory...which makes...let me see...yeah, that's seven championship parades down Boylston Street in the last ten years (plus a 'Bama win tucked in there for good measure)...poor faaaaahkin' me.

[Poor Couch Potato Pitt.]

But d*mn, man. D*mn d*mn d*mn. It is a surly Monday morning in the Pitt compound.

[Don't worry, Will! Wednesday will be a BIRTHDAY morning in the Pitt compound! Let you eat cake!]

Before yesterday, the Bills had scored more points than any team in the AFC, including my vaunted Patriots. The Bills also have the most INTs (a number Sanchise added to), and a very respectable defense overall. That was no cupcake team the Jets beat yesterday.

[This is no cupcake you will eat tomorrow. It will be BIRTHDAY CAKE! FORTY CANDLES, WILLIAM! FOUR-OH! YIPPEE!!]

NFC? It's a torturous stretch to rah-rah for the Steelers, but I do it for my wife. I'm not crossing that particular Rubicon. . . .

[Will with a hat-tip there to Rubicon-crossing nadinbrzezinski.]

I went to Holy Cross. We rooted for BC whenever they played ND. How's that for divided loyalties?

[Staying at home watching sports in the comfort of your Barcalounger while your fellow activists are out there, literally DYING--well, figuratively literally dying--dying for The Cause. . . . How's THAT for divided loyalties? Happy Birthday, Mr. Pitt!]


Anonymous Jerome Goolsby said...

Normally I don't mind your posts about William Rivers Pitt, but this one is just gratuitous crap.

And by the way - since when has Pitt NOT been covered in FAIL?

3:42 PM  
Anonymous Kirk Johnson said...

I still say he's part Welsh Corgi.

4:08 AM  
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