Tuesday, June 14, 2011

CNN's John King moderates DUmmies debating GOP debate



Welcome to Saint Antfarm College in DUmmieland, New Hempshare. Behind me on the stage are the DUmmies who will be debating tonight's Republican debate.

And tonight's debate will be different from any debate you've seen before in the history of the world. First of all, I will be your moderator, which makes it special right there. I am CNN's John King--I'm not Joe King. Second, nobody will be making any sense whatsoever--these are the DUmmies, remember. And third, I will be constantly grunting, interrupting, and generally rushing people along. I will take 45 questions to ask a question, and then our contestants will have 30 seconds to respond (I'll start grunting at about 10 seconds), before I cut them off and remind them all to hurry up, which will take an additional 25 seconds.

So let's get right to it. Our topic tonight is The BatSh*T Crazy (R) DEBATE THREAD, and away we go. The DUmmies' answers will appear in Bolshevik Red, while my brilliant grunts and commentary, assisted by my teleprompter operator, Charles Henrickson, will be in the [brackets]:

[We start with DUmmie ncrainbowgrrl and her opening statement . . .]

The BatSh*T Cra--

[*grunt* Hurry up! I want to remind all the posters to move along quickly, so our audience will have more time to hear me speak. Now, DUmmie flamingdem, what do you expect to gain from these next two hours, besides a heeadache from hearing me grunt?]

I really hope we get some good yuks out of this upcoming waste of time

[OK, but, please, I want to remind all the posters to please answer the question that I ask, rather than the one that ought to have been asked. Now we go to DUmmie gkhouston. Same question: What do you expect to gain from this DUmmieland debate?]

I doubt that anything useful will come out of this debate, unless you're looking for comic material.

[Right. Now on to DUmmie muntrv. DUmmie muntrv, please describes in 7 seconds or less what happens at a typical moonbat meetup . . .]

They're flinging batsh*t at each other?

[That is correct. And thank you for stating your answer in the form of a question. I see DUmmie gkhouston, you have your hand up. Do you have a follow-up? Quickly . . .]

Can't batsh*t be used for fertilizer?

[DUmmie Motown_Johnny?]

I suppose that is how you get a Turd Blossom

[On to DUmmie Neurotica. What are your two favorite cable networks?]

Watching CNN and ROFL

[So you watch CNN. What do you think about me, John King, and my constant interruptions and grunts?]

I have to say that John King is trying. . . .

[*ungh* Too long! Panel, I must remind you all that your answers have to be completed in five, maybe six or seven seconds, tops! One last chance, Neurotica. The typical DUmmie thread: What is it like?]

They're all trying to out-crazy each other.

[DUmmie tomm2thumbs, This or That? Oscar acceptance speeches: Michael Caine or Michael Moore?]

I think Caine, if he answers briefly and concisely, is going to win this

[Let's get back to the DUmmie meetups. DUmmie Raine, you've been to one. Tell us about it.]

I haven't seen that many idiots gathered in one place. . . .

[I can imagine. But please, hurry with your answer or I will start grunting even louder! Next, benburch. This or that? Weiner or Frank?]

"I'm a big fan of going into space..."

[OK, that's a vote for Frank. Motown_Johnny, you have something to add?]

15 minutes to Rachel

[Rachel: Man or woman?]

Didn't he fantasize about sex in space in an interview once upon a time?

[I'll take that as "man."]

depends on if the cohort in space is the wife.

[*grunt* Did I ask you a question, DUmmie Broderick? PLEASE, panel, follow my instructions TO THE LETTER!]

The jokes are easier than wiener jokes.

[QUIET, Broderick! Now next, DUmmie DesertRat. Elvis: Dead or alive?]

I loved when Bachman said that she has Christmas with Elvis. . . .

["Alive." Back to benburch. ben, favorite elective procedures?]

Nut jobs.

[*ungh* OK, painful, but brief. Speaking of briefs, I assume all of you have received tweets from Anthony Weiner at some time or other. DUmmie JohnnyRingo, what was your reaction?]

This is the craziest f***ing thing I've ever seen

[Fine. But again, and in the spirit of Anthony Weiner, please keep it short! And speaking of that, let's go to Wee Willie Pitt. Pittster--and I'm really taking a risk here, asking to keep your answer brief--your thoughts on the Republican debate . . .]

I'm glad I didn't enter an "Obamacare" drinking game.

[Understood. I suppose you went with "the" or "my." By the way, Pitt, your Rove indictment scoop of May 12, 2006, still hangs like an albatross around your neck. In 24 business seconds or less, what has that failed Fitzmas meant for you?

"jobkiller."

[DUmmie calimary, the Weiner tweets, your reaction when you first saw them.]

HORRIFYING! HORRIFYING! . . . HORRIFYING!!! STUPEFYING!!! I stood there, aghast. . . .

[Time! Finally, DUmmie still_one, what have you learned in the last two hours?]

John king is an ass.

[*unnngh!*]

2 Comments:

Anonymous Corona said...

I didn't watch the "debate". Learning of it afterwards confirmed my intelligence. Thank you Brain. I mean Brian. I mean Brain.

7:17 AM  
Blogger Tazzerman said...

I didn't watch the debate either. I find these staged events to be a total waste of time.

Reading about it however HAS been fun that's for sure. LOL

8:25 AM  

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