Thursday, July 08, 2010

Things I Learned From the Al Gore Sex Crime Report

Whether or not the allegations by the massage therapist about Al Gore assaulting her in a Portland, Oregon hotel room are true, there are many things I have learned from reading her crime report. Below are excerpts from the report followed by how I was enlightened by the information revealed:

He described a grueling travel schedule over the previous week or two, mostly by air, and he said he needed his gluteus, hamstring, quadriceps and adductors worked on as well as his abdominal area besides his back and whole body…. I mentally noted that a request for adductor work is a bit unusual. In the massage world, sometimes it is said to possibly but rarely be that it’s a precursor to inappropriate behavior by a male client but it’s not necessarily out of the range of professional treatment.

I had never heard of the adductors before but after a bit of googling I found out the the adductor muscles are located on the upper inner thighs, a convenient finger width away from the groin. I salute Al Gore on his intimate familiarity with the human anatomy.

When I began doing the requested abdominal work on him, he became somewhat vocal with muffled moans etc. he began demanding that I go lower and massaging on the abdominal area. I was shocked and I did not massage beyond what is considered a “safe, non sexual area” of the abdomen.

So now I learn that there are "safe, non sexual" areas of the abdomen. Unfortunately I was unable to discern from this report the boundary between the safe and unsafe zones. Meanwhile I am picturing Dr. Zaius from Planet of the Apes warning about entering the forbidden (unsafe) zone of Al Gore's stomach.

He grabbed my right hand hard, shoved it down under the sheet to his pubic hair area, my fingers brushing against his penis and firmly planted my hand on his pubic crest region and said to me, “There!” in a very sharp, loud, angry-sounding tone.

I've known about the pubic area but was unfamiliar with the "pubic crest region." I looked up the definition of "pubic crest" but was left even more confused by what I read: "The rough anterior border of the body of the pubis, continuous laterally with the pubic tubercle." So does this mean that the "pubic crest region" is sort of like the foothills of the pubic area? Further research is required.

He then tried another tactic as though he had very suddenly switched personalities and began in a pleading tone, pleading for release of his second chakra there. There’s so much tension being held. This was yet another euphemism for sexual activity he was requesting put cleverly as though it were a spiritual request or something. I was further deeply shocked and repulsed as my realization of what was happening sunk in and especially as my mind was now reeling from this absolute betrayal by someone I had inherently trusted as a good guy who cares about people including me because of his public persona.

Not only have I never heard of a "second chakra" before, I never even heard of a first chakra. However, I have a pretty good idea of what it is and to paraphrase Principal Carter from Porky's, "Please, please, can we call it a tallywhacker? Chakra is so personal."

I had the fear that rape would be inevitable if I could not get out of the room, yet I could say no way to immediately leave without it also being a risk to my safety because I felt he would use force to counteract forceful moves on my part. So I distracted him by pointing out the box of chocolates on the conference table. Chocolates are a good distraction, right? He then approached the conference table in the room and opened up a box of Moonstruck chocolates on the table, walking toward them, was walking towards me with them who made myself busy and occupied and hopefully seemed further unavailable by packing my stuff fast as I could and came very close to me with a box, offering me some while I kept gathering my items and packing. This is all happening much faster than the retelling of it would indicate.

Wow! Talk about a great product endorsement! I have been unfamiliar with Moonstruck chocolates but I guarantee you, the next time I see a box I will be buying it out of curiosity. And I am sure a lot of other people will do the same. The one economic positive from this sex crime allegation will be a surge in Moonstruck chocolate sales.

I washed the sheets I had used with him during the session the next day. And a few times later, considered throwing them out as the floral pattern Martha Stewart gave me flashbacks every time I saw it of the massage session. I instead donated them to someone in need.

Another great product endorsement! I'm not into Martha Stewart products but because of the education I am receiving from this police report, I now know about the Martha Stewart floral pattern sheets. I suspect that my education will continue as I read more of the Al Gore Sex Crime Report.

4 Comments:

Anonymous Corona said...

And why are we typing in 48 point font today?

6:13 AM  
Anonymous DumbAss Tanker said...

Moonstruck. How very, very appropriate.

8:20 AM  
Anonymous Anon 1:50 said...

Oh, Al.

"Crazed Sex Poodle?"

Even "Silky Pony" hangs his whoremongering head in shame.

You will never live this down, and "The Tipper" was right to dump you.

I do hereby suggest that the informal form of address for Al Gore (a nickname if you will) shall be "Pood".

It's derivative of the Poodle, and sounds like childish doody-talk.

Perfect.

Try it for yourself...

Pood Gore. Pood Gore... Poooood Gore...

9:42 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Thank you for the picture of the sex poodle. My eyeballs now ache from all the soap I used to scrub them out.

11:16 PM  

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