Sunday, December 27, 2009

"I cannot stay in my seat the final hour before a flight lands!"



Homeland Jan sez: "The system worked!"


So in the wake of the terrorists running amok again, there's talk of new rules requiring passengers to stay seated during the last hour of the flight. This could cause some problems, though, for passengers with . . . let's say, a certain pressing need to get up and go. Things are all wee-wee'd up! The ineptitude of Team Incompetent is affecting the incontinent! And the DUmmies are not pleased, as we see in this THREAD, "I cannot stay in my seat the final hour before a flight lands!"

So fasten your seat belt, stow your tray, and put your seat in an upright position, as we encounter some DUmmie turbulence, in Threat Level Red, while the commentary of your humble guest correspondent, Charles Henrickson, wondering if he will have to lay off the ginger ale the next time he flies, is in the [brackets]:

I cannot stay in my seat the final hour before a flight lands!

[Yes we can!]

There is no way I can hold my bladder that long. . . .

[Hope and change!]

So what do they expect with this silly rule. Pee my pants?

[Listen, Hillary, Ol' Crusty has been through a lot. I'm sure she can handle that.]

I'll bet it enough people really did pee in their pants this rule would end damn quick. Perhaps an organized "Pee In" is in order here.

[Call the NAAPP.]

I am seriously thinking I need a note from my doctor.

[Six months, minimum, under Obamacare.]

I would also have a problem with the last hour and not being able to pee. Sometimes I have to go every 15 minutes. And being nervous doesn't help. Not to mention having IBS.

[Irritable Bolshevik Syndrome.]

I think maybe something more than a "pee in" is needed here. There should also be a "sh*t in." A whole planeload of people sitting in their own sh*ts smelling the place up.

[DUAC! DUAC!]

All of the things this guy did could have been accomplished mid flight. Just because it happened shortly before landing isn't justification for changing onboard bathroom procedures.

[OK, no bathroom breaks AT ALL, the whole flight!]

Of course it does not stop the neo nazi thugs jumping on the bandwagon of racial profile all Muslims.

[Yeah, just a coincidence that 100% of these terrorist airplane guys are Muslims, I guess. We really need to be concerned about the radical Lutherans and their exploding lutefisk.]

Visualize swirled pees!

[You win the Nobel Piss Prize!]

I think this new rule is just for international flights . . .

[On Incontinental Airlines.]

I hope people on planes all sh*t their pants in unison. one two three CRAP. that might change things.

[Crap and Trade . . . Underwear.]

This has nothing to do with President Obama.

[Piss be upon him.]

we're dealing with a bureaucracy that thinks it has to do something after every incident, whether what they do makes any sense or not. The reality is that this man should never have been allowed to board a plane bound for the USA. . . . Barn door closing regulations that don't address that are the feeble hand-waving of some Peter Principled bureaucrat who can't think of anything else to do.

[We'd send you a Kewpie Doll, but new regulations prohibit the shipment of Kewpie-like materials.]

I do believe that Obama has a responsibility to start leaning on DHS to stop oppressing civilians who are just trying to get to Grandma's for the holidays.

[Throw Grandma under the bus and you don't have to worry about it.]

Frankly, President Obama has had a lot on his plate in 2009.

[Don't expect him to have time for national security.]

What's next? Will they make everyone fly naked?

[Be thankful the DUmmies don't fly much.]

As for us.give us the liberty to pee or we chose not to fly.

[DON'T TREAD ON PEE!]

I just hope they use warm KY Jelly on their latex gloves for those body cavity probes. . . .

[Calm down, benburch, calm down!]

what if people go through those body scanners and they've got a bit of constipation and the screen shows something strange in the lower abdominal area (an impacted stool). . . . Forced enemas?

[With wands like these, who needs enemas?]

If enough people leave behind a "puddle", the policy will change back very quickly. Think of it as a form of protest.

[All we are saying . . . is give pee a chance!]

Diapers. . . .

[benburch is in heaven!]

ever hear of depends undergarments...?

[Change we can relieve in.]

wear crappy, comfortable clothes and piss in their seat.

[OK, the DUmmies already DO this. So what NEW do you suggest?]

Whip it out and let it fly in the aisle.

[The system that works!]

- - - - -

BONUS PARODY:

RELIEVING ON A JET PLANE
Tune: "Leaving on a Jet Plane" MIDI

All my bladder's full, I'm ready to go
The stewardess is sayin' no
I hate to wait an hour to drain it dry
But the sign is flashin', we have to sit
The time is over for takin' a sh*t
Already I'm so pissed that I could try

So piss in the aisle with me
Tell me that you'll wait to pee
Hold it till you really have to go
Relievin' on a jet plane
I don't know when we can use the can
Oy vey, I have to go

There's so many times I've held it in
So many times I've forced a grin
While squirmin' in my seat until we land
Every flight I've had, we're overdue
Every rule they add, I sit and stew
The time has come for us to take a stand

So piss in the aisle with me
Tell me that you'll wait to pee
Hold it till you really have to go
Relievin' on a jet plane
I don't know when we can use the can
Oy vey, I have to go

Now the time has come for action
Before I suffer stool impaction
Their silly rules I must now defy
So when your bowels are feelin' weak
When you would like to take a leak
Just drop your drawers, it's time to let it fly

Piss in the aisle with me
Tell me that you'll wait to pee
Hold it till you really have to go
Relievin' on a jet plane
I don't know when we can use the can
Relievin' on a jet plane
I don't know when we can use the can
Relievin' on a jet plane
I don't know when we can use the can
Oy vey, I have to go

3 Comments:

Anonymous Anon 1:50 said...

Problem solved!

How about a "pee bottle"? The flight attendants could simply hand out quart (or half gallon for me), sealable plastic bottles for the "convenience and comfort" of the flying public!

Regs say you can only get ON a plane with 3oz. containers of liquid. If you deplane with a coupla gallons, who's to know?

We'll probably have to subsidize a funnel arrangement for the ladies, and there should be strict laws against pee-king.

I wonder if we'll have to pay duty or other import fees? Certainly there will be a container charge, capping fee and recycling deposit required.

I'd guess around $30.

I hear you groaning out there, but it takes no effort at all for me to imagine a Chuckie Shumer, Bawney Fwank or Dickhead Durbin putting this up.

And even less effort to imagine His Imperial Hawaiian Majesty KamehObama the First signing it into law.

Proudly!

9:31 AM  
Anonymous Corona said...

[Change we can relieve in.]

Heh heh heh.

6:35 PM  
Anonymous Wisdom Teeth Utah said...

Haha! I like the song. I don't think holding it for the last hour of the flight is going to be too much of an issue. Especially if you know beforehand that you will have to. If you can't hold it for an hour you probably need to visit a doctor.

10:48 AM  

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