Tuesday, December 22, 2009

"Do you celebrate Christmas?"



Yesterday was the Winter Solstice, and the neo-pagans in DUmmieland have been celebrating THAT more than they will celebrate Christmas--certainly more than the REAL Christmas, which has to do with the birth of Christ. There have been numerous "Happy Solstice!" threads, but the one Christmas thread that's getting responses should have a Missing Baby Alert posted on it. It's this THREAD, "Do you celebrate Christmas?"

So let us don our gay apparel and venture into the White Witch's DUmmieland, where it is always winter and never Christmas. The DUmmie cheer is in Non-Religious Red, while the commentary of your humble guest correspondent, Charles Henrickson, looking forward to the Christ Mass AND the presents under the tree (hopefully including some single-malt scotch and a deluxe Scrabble set), is in the [brackets]:

Poll question: Do you celebrate Christmas?

[Oh, come, all ye faithless. . . .]

I only do the fun stuff. I don’t celebrate as a religious holiday. (105 votes, 45%)

I don’t do anything during this time of year. (29 votes, 13%)

Other (15 votes, 6%)

I’m not Christian, so I celebrate a different holiday. (12 votes, 5%)

I’m a warrior against Christmas. (6 votes, 3%)


[OK, that makes over 70% of the DUmmies who do NOT celebrate Christmas as a religious holiday.]

I celebrate it as a Christian holiday, but I do the fun stuff too. (64 votes, 28%)

I celebrate as a Christian holiday and I don't do the fun stuff. (1 vote, 0%)


[Hey, even *I* wouldn't check that last one! I like "the FUn stuff," as long as it's secondary.]

christmas is for suckers.

[There's a sucker born every Christmas!]

Then I am one Happy Sucker

[LOUSY FREEPER TROLL-THE-ANCIENT-YULETIDE-CAROL!!!]

Oh yeah. And candy canes and cup cakes and all kinds of other sweets, too!

[Stuff THAT in your stocking and suck it!]

I'm a big fan every Christmas I buy myself a new set of golf clubs.

[Is that you, Elin Nordegren Woods?]

Christmas is the Great Capitalist Holiday celebrating conspicuous consumption and dedicated to consumerism.

[Jolly old St. Cynical. . . .]

Sure, it was once based on The Roman Holiday of Saturnalia . . . in order to entice Romans who just wanted to have orgies for a week. . . .

[This DUmmie wants to put the "satyr" back into "Saturnalia."]

I drink Mogen David, dance in a stone circle, make the sign of the cross, bow to Mecca and sing Hare Krishna whilst lighting incense to my ancestors.

[Once on Mogen David sipping
Danced a DUmmie syncretist
He said "No religion skipping!"
Checked them off from on his list . . .]

I drink lots of winter seasonal beer. Does that count?

[O liquid brown of Budweiser
Though swill we drink thee dry
Above thy can a black and tan
The kind the bars supply
And then a dark stout Shiner
Or maybe amber light
The hops and cheers of all the beers
Are met in thee tonight. . . .]

It's Sir Isaac Newton's birthday. I celebrate that.

[I'll go with the Newborn's birthday.]

We open gifts and have a big family dinner. But there is no religious aspect to it.

[Nope! Must not think about WHY the gifts and the dinners came about!]

Movies, Chinese food. Sure I celebrate Christmas.

[Soy to the world, the food has come!]

I celebrate the Winter Solstice, but acknowledge Christmas appropriately for those to whom it is important, including most of my family and many of my friends.

[Polite pagan patronizes poor pitiful pious.]

Happy Solstice, everyone -- let the Sun shine in!

[Merry Christmas, everyone -- let the Son shine in!]

May you have a happy Festival of Lights. That's what I like to call Christmas.

[Christmas Lite.]

Any excuse for a sappy party.

[Emphasis on "sappy."]

I do it all. I tour the Christmas displays and lights, I hang out in the crowds, I hit the toy stores, I buy myself fancy electronic gifts (just got my new GPS yesterday) and go into debt. I dance around bonfires to a drum circle and drink mead with the pagans, I break my fast on Eid like a Muslim (without actually fasting beforehand, of course) , and if I understood Hannakuh or Kwanza I'd do them too. When the game is over I want to leave as little on the playing field as I can. Merry F***ing Whatever, Baby!

[Merry F***ing Whatever! Just no Baby.]

I celebrate Yule/Christmas/Mithras Day/Winter Solstice as a secular holiday. I display a tree and wreath. No religious symbols.

[Why bother?]

I celebrate Yule.

[And Yule celebrate me.]

I'm a Jolly Agnostic, and I Love Christmas. I don't give a sh*t about Jeebus' birthday. I love presents in shiny paper. . . . If people want to drag religion into it, that's their business.

[Imagine, dragging Christ into Christmas! Weird!]

I enjoy Christmas as a non-religious holiday.

[I enjoy restaurants as a non-eating experience.]

I advocate for celebrating Christmas on only leap years. . . . I think it would be more special and less work every 4 years.

[Christmas as Winter Olympics.]

I celebrate it as a secular winter solstice festival.

[Silent night . . . just . . . silent night. . . .]

Giftmas -- we do the tree and presents thing, but there's nothing religious about it. We're all atheists, aka without religion. . . .

[What child is this? Who cares?]

I HATE all the shopping for gifts for family and friends until I start doing it, then I GO HOG WILD. . . . Makes me appreciate the holiday even though I am a pagan.

[Pagans Gone Hog Wild!]

I'm a Unitarian. . . . the UU's. . . .

[Where a Savior is completely UUseless.]

I celebrate it the way people did before the church took it over.

[Which was back on the Twelfth of Never.]

We're Freethinkers

[Our minds are open and our brains fell out.]

I'm a flaming atheist. . . .

[Perhaps a poor choice of words.]

I spend Christmas talking to relatives who drive me nuts & eating food that will make me gain 10 lbs. . . .

[Hey, even us Christians do that! Merry Christmas!]

11 Comments:

Anonymous Corona said...

I'm a flaming atheist. . . .

[Perhaps a poor choice of words.]


Heh heh heh.

8:48 AM  
Blogger Tazzerman said...

Heathen, G-dless, Commie, Pinkos everyone of them :) -tm

9:51 AM  
Anonymous James said...

christmas is for suckers.

[There's a sucker born every Christmas!]

Then I am one Happy Sucker


Shame on our humble guest correspondent for missing the Ben Burch reference with this one.

[Merry F***ing Whatever! Just no Baby.]

Nothing to worry about there; the DUmmies would have aborted it.

1:51 PM  
Anonymous Elrond Hubbard said...

I'm an agnostic (lapsed Catholic)and my family celebrates Christmas as a religious and secular holiday. It's the one time of the year when my family (which is scattered over seven states) has a chance to get together.

I do celebrate the solstice as an astronomical event---the days are finally getting longer, even as winter sets in. No Gaia worship or neo-pagan mummery for me.

So, Merry Christmas everyone!

2:01 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Merry Christmas Charles, PJ & everyone!

3:24 PM  
Blogger Mark Nielsen said...

Merry Christmas, and thanks for another year of FUnny reading!

3:38 PM  
Blogger el polacko said...

well..to be fair, most of the rituals practiced in celebration of christmas DO pre-date the christian religion so it's certainly possible to enjoy this winter-holiday-whatever-you-want-to-call-it without being a jesus believer. the japanese, for instance, love all the xmas trappings: santa, candy canes, lights, etc. without any religious connotations whatsoever.

12:58 AM  
Anonymous troglaman said...

"I'm an agnostic (lapsed Catholic)and my family celebrates Christmas as a religious and secular holiday. It's the one time of the year when my family (which is scattered over seven states) has a chance to get together.

"I do celebrate the solstice as an astronomical event---the days are finally getting longer, even as winter sets in. No Gaia worship or neo-pagan mummery for me.

"So, Merry Christmas everyone!" elrond

Hmmm. Unexpected Christmas cheer.

elrond celebrates Christmas without God. It's a time of year he gets to visit with his family and finds it interesting the days start getting longer from here on out...even though it's the height of winter.

Is he engaging in war on Christmas? No. He's not. He's saying he likes getting together with friends and family this time of year and that it's important to him.

Anyone who wishes to denigrate him for valuing his celebration of family and friends this celestially important time of year is a Christmas douche bag and will, without doubt, feel troglaman's unending wrath in the days to come.

Here's the paradox you unwitting pod people set up by declaring there's a war on Christmas...In a war, there's an enemy. Christ said "Love thy enemy". Right? Didn't he say that? Yes he did.

Well then...maybe for a whole goddamn day He might want us all to operate in the spirit of getting along. You know, just quit bitching about shit for ONE frigging day.

Thing is, most of us are going to do just that despite this stupid 'War on Christmas' crap you fuckers insist is going on.

I'll tell you what - I'm going to have fun with my Limbaugh loving uncle. My God fearing daughter will make me cry, guarantee it. My birther and global warming denier stepbrother and I will most likely smoke a joint on the back porch. And we'll all sing Christmas carols all night long (OK...Jumpin Jack Flash might make it's way into the mix). We're going to have a really good time. We do every year.

I, troglaman, surprisingly wish you all the best in the Christmas and New Year spirit, whatever form that may take (except human sacrifice and slavery...you have to draw the line somewhere).

2:25 AM  
Anonymous DumbAss Tanker said...

I'm not very religious, both Catholics and Protestants in the family and some more-or-less agnostics like me.
I have nothing at all against the Pagans, in fact the ones I know tend to be pretty easy-going, pleasant, and accepting of everyone else's religious traditions without pushing theirs, generally fun and caring people. I've even got a Muslim in the extended family. We just all enjoy the family time and accept each other as they are, including politics all across the spectrum, without anyone pissing on anyone else's parade.

It can get pretty entertaining when somebody brings a guest that doesn't realize how eclectic the mix is, though!

9:32 AM  
Blogger JRob said...

I had to chuckle at the one who said he celebrated Isaac Newton's birthday since Newton was himself a Christian

5:25 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

That's OK Troggy, Jesus loves you.
Merry Christmas!

12:40 PM  

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