DUmmie FUnnies Endorses Presidential Candidate
After deep discussions, the editorial board of the DUmmie FUnnies consisting of myself and LI'L BEAVER has decided to endorse a presidential candidate. The candidate was NOT selected because of our agreement with him on policy issues. In fact, there is little upon which we agree politically with this liberal candidate. Instead, our primary consideration was how the endorsement would HELP the DUmmie FUnnies. Therefore this automatically eliminated a host of candidates such as Hillary, Obama, Kerry, and Edwards. See, they already have sufficient support that any endorsement by the DUmmie FUnnies would be a mere drop in the bucket and we would get NO credit for their rise in the polls. Many have thought that the DUmmie FUnnies would endorse Dennis Kucinich. Wrong again. Kookcinich has a small but strong ultra-liberal base of support so an endorsement by the DUmmie FUnnies would be rejected plus given no credit for any rise in the popularity of the Evil Elf.
This leaves candidates of the bottom tier of the Democrats. Candidates whose ratings are so low that the DUmmie FUnnies could receive credit for any increase in their currently miniscule ratings. This would include candidates such as Joe Biden, Chris Dodd, and Bill Richardson. However, even these candidates are still too well known for the DUmmie FUnnies to really get credit for helping.
This leaves one standout candidate whose poll numbers are currently so low that he does not even qualify to be in the bottom tier of candidates. In fact he is doing so poorly in the polls that he is now beneath the bottom of the bottom tier of candidates. And this candidate, who is doing poorly enough to earn the DUmmie FUnnies endorsement is none other than...Tom Vilsack!
Not only does the DUmmie FUnnies endorse (for Democrat nomination only) Tom Vilsack but we have a plan on how he can drastically increase his poll numbers. This plan came to me whenever I thought about Governor Vilsack. And the very few times I did think about him I always conjured up the image of him wearing the Pooh Bear on his head. I admit that at first I MOCKED Governor Vilsack for daring to wear that Pooh Bear in public. However, the more I thought about it, the more I admired him for having the GUTS and confidence in himself to wear it. And this led me to the KEY to how Tom Vilsack can rise in the polls---Wear the Pooh Bear (and other furry critters) whenever he makes a speech in public. Yes, a lot of folks will laugh at him at first as I did but guess what? He will get a lot of ATTENTION as a result. The first result of wearing furry critters when making speeches is that those speeches will be uploaded and WATCHED on YouTube. As it stands now, folks just won't watch Vilsack make his speeches in any great numbers. However, wear the bear and Vilsack would become an instant HIT on YouTube.
Yes, yes. I know that Vilsack and would be initially reluctant to subject himself to possible ridicule. Well, let me introduce everybody to another candidate who took a chance at being ridiculed. He was a fairly unknown state legislator who wanted to become a United States Senator from a large state. He came up with the idea of walking around the periphery of the state to raise public awareness of himself. At first his walking "stunt" was written off by the pundits as just a silly gimmick. However, a funny thing happened. The more this candidate did his walking tour campaign, the more press coverage he received. And the more press he recieved the more folks wanted to meet him on his walking tour of the state. Eventually, his name became so familiar to the state's voters due to his walking "stunt" that he was elected as U.S. Senator. His name, if you haven't guessed yet, was Walkin' Lawton Chiles.
I am therefore proposing that Governor Vilsack consider using the Pooh Bear that he has already worn and use it again and again (along with other furry critter dolls) in his campaign. Speak about war, economy, immigration, health, and a whole host of other issues and few will pay attention. However speak on the same issues wearing a furry critter on your head, Governor Vilsack, and MANY will watch. I guarantee it.
Prior to making this endorsement I sort of test marketed the name of Vilsack by asking about 3 dozen people if they had ever heard that name. With one exception none of them had heard of Vilsack. And the one exception was a woman who claimed that she had a jar of pickles by that name in her refrigerator.
Tom Vilsack, your primary opponents aren't Hillary or Obama or Edwards or Kerry or a whole host of other candidates. Your REAL opponents are the myriad of products being pitched constantly to enter the attention span of the average person. Those are your real opponents that daily assault people via ads and commercials. Kentucky Fried Chicken, Apocalypto, Playstation 3, Caribbean Cruises, Verizon phone plans, K-Mart, FAO Schwarz, Nike, Delta Sky Miles, and, yes, Vlasic Pickles. The only way you can break through this competition to claim a piece of the limited attention span of the voters is to do something drastic. And this something is what I have suggested---WEAR THE BEAR!
Now since the DUmmie FUnnies is known as an "vicious rightwing blog" why should you, a Democrat candidate, take advice from me? Simple. The better you do in the polls from using our suggestion, the better it is for the DUmmie FUnnies since we gave you the idea. I see this as an ideal win/win situation. The better you do in the polls, the better the DUmmie FUnnies does.
Just so you know I am not a complete crackpot, I do have a history of giving some very successful advice to one of the biggest companies in the world. PayPal. It happened in January 2000. Amazingly, PayPal at that time was merely oriented towards using its service primarily as a way to pay for restaurant bills via PDA devices in which a customer with a Palm Pilot would "beam" the payment to the Palm Pilot of the restaurant via PayPal. Very few people were using PayPal at that time because of this proposed limited use. Since I had a few items for sale on eBay, I did a search and discovered that only about a dozen auctions at that time were using PayPal. I thought this service would be perfect for buying and selling on eBay so I e-mailed PayPal with my idea. Shortly afterwards, I called up PayPal and pitched my idea about using PayPal auction banners to JACK SELBY who was then their Director of Marketing. After listening to my overenthusiastic pitch about the use of PayPal auction banners for eBay, Mr. Selby politely thanked me. I thought it was just a polite brushoff and so much for another one of my "crazy" ideas. However, I just couldn't let go so several days later I again called Jack Selby and told him that even though I might have come across as a nutcase, I still thought my idea had merit. At that point, Mr. Selby stopped me and told me he loved the idea and that PayPal had already instituted it. I couldn't believe it but it was true. PayPal used an idea proposed by YOURS TRULY and within a few months grew to such an extent as a result that it went from being used just on about a dozen eBay auctions to several hundred thousand auctions. So even though my idea about wearing the bear might seem crazy now, there is a method to my madness as you can see from the PayPal example.
I am therefore now urging that my DUmmie FUnnies readers visit your the Tom Vilsack campaign WEBSITE and express their support for the "Wear The Bear" plan. I will also be publishing in future editions of the DUmmie FUnnies, all the campaign appearances of Tom Vilsack so the DUmmie FUnnies fans can show up and give you their polite approval and encouragement to "WEAR THE BEAR!"
I understand, governor, your initial reaction of reluctance to accept this idea but when your poll numbers remain stagnant, you might want to reconsider. Wear The Bear and you will become an instant HIT on YouTube and your campaign will benefit. Don't worry about people laughing at you. When your poll numbers rise precipitously, people will be laughing WITH you.
This is my Christmas gift to you, Governor Vilsack. Even though I don't support your political views, I have presented you with what I believe will be an excellent method to move UP in the polls. And now, this special Presidential Campaign endorsement of the DUmmie FUnnies will finish up in its traditional manner. I will channel a leftwing skeptic who will question, in Bolshevik Red, the motivations of your humble correspondent whose response can be seen in the [brackets]:
Admit it. You only want Tom Vilsack to wear a Pooh Bear in public so he will look foolish.
[Vilsack has ALREADY worn that Pooh Bear in public. The only castigation he got for that was from me in a DUmmie FUnnies EDITION. The strange thing is, that despite my initial scorn, that image has been seared, seared into my mind whenever I think about Vilsack. I believe this is the way for Vilsack's named to be seared into a lot of other minds.]
You just want to turn Vilsack into a laughingstock in order to ruin his campaign.
[Your critique might have some validity if Vilsack were currently riding high in the polls. As it is, Vilsack has no where to go but up. People will laugh WITH Tom Vilsack when it turns out that wearing the bear works.]
You don't even agree with him politically so why should we believe anything you propose?
[I said I support him for the Democrat nomination. Since someone has to win that nomination, it might as well be someone who wins it as a result of advice from the DUmmie FUnnies. Good for Vilsack, good for us. Win/Win.]
You are just proposing a cheap publicity stunt.
[A "cheap publicity stunt" is what got Lawton Chiles elected a U.S. Senator from Florida in 1971. Oh, and Governor Vilsack can also wear mascot critters from the areas he is campaigning in. A Panther when in North Carolina or a Dolphin in South Florida. It wouldn't surprise me if kids drag their parents to his speeches just to watch the candidate wear an animal hat.]
Wouldn't YOU feel foolish if Tom Vilsack actually did win the nomination as the result of your suggestion?
[Actually I would feel GREAT. The DUmmie FUnnies would receive enormous acclaim for showing a fairly unknown candidate the method to win the Democrat nomination. As I stated before, someone is going to win that nomination and it might as well be someone that the DUmmie FUnnies gains the credit for. Win/Win.]
So you will support Tom Vilsack in the general election?
[Absolutely not. The support of the DUmmie FUnnies only runs up to the nomination. At that point, I would oppose Vilsack on political grounds although I would hope we would remain friends.]
And what if by some miracle Vilsack wins the nomination and the election as a result of your Animal Hat suggestion?
[Any Republican who loses to Tom Vilsack deserves to lose. Yeah, I would feel lousy about inadvertently making a Democrat president but the upside would be the DUmmie FUnnies (along with Vilsack) will come to the attention of the general public.]
Ha! Ha! So the joke would be on you if Tom Vilsack is elected president.
[I'll take that chance. And more reason for Vilsack to take the chance on wearing the Pooh Bear. Don't wear it and he is fated to remain just another in long line of obscure candidates. Wear it and Vilsack will instantly jump to the forefront of attention. And he shouldn't worry about being laughed at. He who laughs last, laughs best.]
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