Wednesday, January 05, 2005

DUmmie FUnnies 01-05-05 ("Stand Up, Senator"---Pied Piper Pitt Bloviates)

William Rivers Pitt aka Pied Piper Pitt has been laying low since his Gandalf the Wizard speech following on the heels of his misprediction that SOMETHING WUUUUNDERFUL would happen in Ohio as a result of Kerry lending out his signature to be filed on some insignificant legal filing. However, after a brief respite, Pied Piper Pitt is back and bloviating louder than ever with his call for action by U.S. Senators tomorrow when the electoral votes are officially counted. As even Pitt admits in his DUmmie THREAD titled, “Stand Up, Senator,” such an action will have NO EFFECT on the fact that Bush will be inaugurated on Jan. 20 (Sorry DUmmie Doohickie). Pied Piper Pitt desires such an action by a senator to make himself a national laughingstock because it will “move us closer to that more perfect union.” Notice how Pied Piper Pitt is asking a senator out their to sacrifice his or her political career yet Pitt never showed up at the Kerry townhouse vigil even though he also lives in Boston. What’s the matter, Pitt, afraid of losing that all-important Middle School job you have? Anyway, the Pitt bloviations followed by the DUmmie comments are in Bolshevik Red while the commentary of your humble correspondent, who is sitting down, is in the [brackets]:

“Hope is not the conviction that something will turn out well, but the certainty that something makes sense regardless of how it turns out.”- Vaclav Havel

[Nice touch there, Pitt. After being ridiculed for your Gandalf the Wizard speech, you now shift to an actual human being with whom to subtly associate yourself by quoting Havel. Now continue with your proclamation, Pitt…]

Four years ago, members of the Congressional Black Caucus ran deliberately and vociferously into a brick wall when they chose to stand and protest the deplorable election calamity in Florida. They sought the name of one Senator, just one, which they could append to their complaints. Had they gotten that one name, a debate and discussion on what happened in Florida would have taken place in the House and the Senate. No Senator came forward, and the debate never happened.

[Because Al Gore asked the senators not to make fools of themselves. He wanted to corner that “Fools” market for himself in the years to come. Continue…]

Now, four years later, another election has come and gone. Now, four years later, there are rafts of evidence which point, once again, to overwhelming disenfranchisement of minority voters. Now, four years later, members of the Congressional Black Caucus, along with several other House members, plan to stand once again and protest an election that failed to live up to the standards required of participatory democracy. Now, four years later, they seek a Senator to stand with them.

[Could you type, “Now, four years later,” again, Pitt? I’m beginning to catch on to its rhythm. But don’t let me stop you. Continue with the Pitt Proclamation…]

This time, a Senator must answer the call.

[A call to turn himself or herself into a national laughingstock. Funny, Pitt, I don’t recall you answering “the call” to hold a vigil in front of Kerry’s Boston townhouse. If I recall it was school vacation so you didn’t even have to take off from your precious Boston Middle School job. Another case of “Do as I say, not as I do,” from Pied Piper Pitt. Continue with your flutings…]

Four years ago, standing up was politically dangerous. The country had just endured a month of mayhem and charges and countercharges and overheated rhetoric. The Supreme Court had ruled, a judicial version of the loud voice from Mount Ararat that cannot be contravened. The tablets had been handed down.

[The first set of tablets from Mount Ararat must have crashed down on top of your head, Pitt. But speak to us some more from the mountaintop…]

The mainstream news media had launched into the soothing refrain, “This is an orderly transition of power…this is an orderly transition of power,” and a Senator standing up in Congress to swat the hornet’s nest again would have, bluntly, gotten their butt kicked up between their shoulderblades. Recall the line from the film ‘The Right Stuff’: “It takes a special kind of man to volunteer for a suicide mission, especially one that’s on TV.” Four years ago, no one was feeling special enough to volunteer. Do not forget, as well, that candidate Gore asked his Senate colleagues not to join the CBC, so that they all might “heal the country.

[Moving from Lord of the Rings to The Right Stuff? Interesting. To us at the DUmmie FUnnies it appears that all your laughable rantings are more suited to It’s a Mad Mad Mad World. Continue with your madness…]

The politics this time around are comparably dicey. Mainstream media coverage of election irregularities in Ohio and elsewhere has been meager at best. What coverage there has been has managed to be simultaneously disparaging and uninformed. Take, for example, the editorial from the Cleveland Plain-Dealer directed today at Rep. Tubbs-Jones and Rev. Jesse Jackson: “(Kerry) had the good grace and sense to acknowledge the abundantly obvious, go home and resume his life. You might consider emulating his excellent example, because what you are doing now - redoubling your effort in the face of a settled outcome - will only drive you further toward the political fringe. And that long grass already is tickling your knees.”

[I wish the Cleveland Plain-Dealer kept mum on this advice. I like to see the DUmmies go even further toward the political fringe, led of course by Pied Piper Pitt. And that long grass already is tickling your brain. Continue…]

A Senator who stands with Conyers and the CBC risks marginalization. A Senator who stands with Conyers risks blowing their credibility to smithereens on the eve of a fight over Bush’s wacky judicial nominations, and on the eve of a fight over the very existence of the minority’s ability to filibuster. A Senator who stands with Conyers and the CBC risks being targeted for defeat by an increasingly effective GOP machine.

[A Senator who stands with Conyers risks becoming a punchline to a lot of comedy jokes. Continue with your comedy routine…]

The difference this time around, however, cannot be overstated, and is the reason why a Senator must step forward. Four years ago, the argument was about replacing Bush with Gore. This time, despite the earnest desires of millions of people, such an option is not on the table. The process itself, barring another edict from Ararat, precludes the notion that someone besides Bush will take the oath on January 20th. If Conyers and company stand and object with the support of a Senator, the Electoral College hearing will adjourn, and both the House and Senate will hear two hours of testimony on the reasons behind the objection. After the testimony, the House and Senate will have a straight up-or-down vote on whether to entertain the objection. Given the GOP dominance in both chambers, the outcome of such a vote is preordained.

[And yet you ask a senator to sacrifice his or her political career for a cause that will have NO EFFECT on the election results. I notice that you aren’t willing to sacrifice YOUR Boston Middle School career, Pitt. I bask in the glory of your reflected bravery. Continue…]

Even if, by some miracle, both chambers vote to uphold the objections based on the merits of the testimony, and Ohio’s 20 votes are removed from the Electoral College count, the waters beyond are muddy. The constitution is vague as to whether the 270 Electoral College threshold is an absolute, or whether the candidate with the most Electoral College votes is to be declared the winner, regardless of whether or not that 270-vote line is crossed. Bush would still lead Kerry 266 to 252 if Ohio were subtracted, and in all likelihood, would carry the day with that lead.

[But, but won’t that signature that Kerry allowed on some obscure legal filing in Ohio save the day, Pitt? That is what you promised us. Anyway, you’re on a roll now so please continue…]

The difference this time politically for any Senator who stands up is that this fight is not about and must not be about replacing Bush with Kerry. This is about making sure that the greatest democracy in the history of the world lives up to that title. Rev. Jesse Jackson put it best when he said, “If America is to be a champion of democracy abroad, it must clean up its elections at home. If it is to complain of fraudulent and dishonest election practices abroad, it cannot condone them at home. But more important, if our own elections are to be legitimate, then they must be honest, open, with high national standards.”

[Rev. Jesse Jackson. Now there is an expert on things fraudulent. Continue with the laughs…]

A Senator must stand up with Conyers and open the door to testimony on this election in both chambers of Congress. A Senator must stand up so a national dialogue on how we run elections is created and carried forward. That dialogue must include:

* The fact that Ohio Secretary of State Blackwell engineered a series of outlandish maneuvers designed to deny citizens the ability to vote before and during the election, including junking vast numbers of new voter applications because they were not on postcard-weight paper, by making sure that heavily Democratic and minority voting districts did not have enough voting machines to accommodate the number of voters who came out, and by revoking access to public records of the election to citizens attempting to lawfully audit the poll books;

* The fact that Warren County election officials shuttered the public counting of votes based upon their claim that the FBI warned that terrorists were coming to attack them. No FBI agent anywhere on the planet has acknowledged issuing this warning, and the ballots in Warren County were subsequently left unguarded and unprotected;

* The fact that a county in Ohio shows more votes than registered voters; the fact that another Ohio county shows an underfunded Democratic State Supreme Court candidate getting more votes than an incredibly-funded Democratic presidential candidate; the fact that one machine alone in one county gave Bush 3,893 more votes than he actually got; the fact that another county registered an unheard-of 98% turnout rate, and that county subsequently handed Bush 19,000 extra votes; the fact that in another county, at least 25 voting machines transferred an unknown number of Kerry votes to Bush.

[* The fact that Bush won in Ohio by a margin of over 100,000 votes which was confirmed by all subsequent counting of the provisional ballots and the revotes.]

Protecting the right to vote is not and must not be a partisan issue in this country. The fact that candidates of both parties too often acquiesce to the so-called Nixon Rule on elections – a tacit agreement not to argue the outcome of questionable elections, which came about after the riddled-with-inconsistencies 1960 presidential race – means that people who do violate the public trust by violating the sanctity of the ballot are safe from censure, especially if their actions lead to a victory.

[Not a partisan issue? Then I can assume you will investigate vote fraud in the Washington state gubernatorial race? Continue…]

In a perfect world, all 100 Senators would stand up because of one simple fact: They are where they are because of the vote, and if they do not protect that vote, it may be them looking at the short end of the stick come some future election day. All 100 should stand, but it only takes one. It only takes one to move us closer to that more perfect union, where every vote counts and every vote is counted, where the citizenry can trust that the people leading them were properly chosen, where partisans acting in the dark of night to thwart that simple, admirable goal are exposed and purged from our system.

[In a DUmmie World, all 100 Senators would stand up. Yeah, I can just picture Mel Martinez or Saxby Chambliss standing up with you DUmmies. Perhaps in your alternate reality they would but in the real world, your pipe fluting tends to fall on deaf ears. Okay, I’ll let you finish off your overlong diatribe...]

Stand up, Senator. Stand up.

[Sit down, Pitt. Sit down. And now on to the other DUmmie rantings following on the heels of Pied Piper Pitt’s flute symphony.]

So this IS a nail biter

[Gee! Will Bush be inaugurated on the 20th or not? This is such a nail biter!]

Are you sending this to all senators or just posting it on your blog?

[It will be posted as a submission to an online comedy contest. It is sure to be a winner.]

If people want to send it to their Senators, I won't stop them.

[Thanx for that info, Pitt. Since you didn’t even bother to show up at the Kerry townhouse vigil just a few blocks from you in Boston, how can we ever expect you to take the time to e-mail your latest bloviation to the senators. All that work would wear your keyboard fingers down. Better to let other do the hard work.]

Oooohhh! I got chills! Well done Will!

[A little digression here but does anybody remember the actor, Chill Wills? Not sure why I am suddenly thinking of him.]

nice piece . . . but all for naught, I fear . . .won't be any senators standing up . . . because Kerry doesn't want them to . . . simple as that . . .

[Actually I am holding out hope for one senator to “stand up” and provide us with some laughs. Tom Harkin. He has no political future and is a flat out nutcase. I say Harkin just might “stand up” and prove himself to be a DUmmie.]

You ARE the Dude of the Year to us too Will!

[You are so WUUUNDERFUL, Will! Play your Pied Piper flute tune again so we DUmmie lemmings can follow you off the political cliff again just like we did with that Kerry signature in Ohio thing you hyped (and now want to forget).]

What if there is proof that Kerry actually won Ohio
then he should get the electorial votes. Then he wins.

[And the proof exists in Never Never Land underneath the pure precious tulip petal that Tinkerbell is sitting on.]

Will...Just one question, please? If all the above information is factual as you say, where is Senator Kerry? After all, who's got more to lose than him? He's worked for this all his life. Are you of the opinion that he doesn't know as much as you, or did he throw the election? I don't see how there could be another choice.

[Good question. Kerry is OUT of the country on Jan. 6. And you are correct. Kerry doesn’t know as much as Pied Piper Pitt. That is why he has selected Pitt to be his floor manager when the electoral votes are counted…but only in the DUmmie Zone.]

Good job, Will Pitt. I spent all day on the phone calling our Senators. Hopefully, we will see them stand...

[And I can just picture the Senate office workers cupping the phone receivers and whispering loudly to their bemused co-workers, “It’s another one of those DUmmie nutjobs again!”]

One suggestion: "rafts of evidence" - maybe "reams" would be better? Just a thought. Otherwise, fine piece.

[Just a thought. Why does the word “reams” appeal to you so much?]

Oh Will...that was excellent...You said so well what I also feel in my own mind and heart about this issue. I just read your draft aloud to my husband and we both had tears in our eyes by the time I finished. THIS is what it is really all about. Beautiful. Thank you so much for your dedication to our America. It is much appreciated in this corner.

[I had so many tears of laughter that my hankie was soaked by the time I finished reading it.]

Will, I've been saying all day that Senator Boxer is standing up based on your post last night. Is that true? I sure hope so, because if it is not, I have created a false impression among a lot of the Tennessee faithful and media. Is Boxer's decision to stand on 1/6 firm and final? Is any other Senator going to stand with her?

[Unlikely that Boxer will “stand up” tomorrow. She is still smarting from the self-inflicted wounds of leading a Senate lynch party against former senator Bob Packwood for the great sin of awkwardly trying to (GASP!) grab a smooch from some gal. Then years later she had to vote in favor of Bubba for lying under oath about getting a “Lewinsky” in the Oval Office. However, I am still holding out hope for Tom Harkin to act like the nutcase I know him to be. Don’t let me down, Tom.]


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