Wednesday, November 23, 2011

"Thanksgiving dinner + wingnut relatives = a horrible day"

It's a Thanksgiving tradition around these parts: the various threads about DUmmies dealing with their right-wing relatives at family gatherings. The dread of it beforehand. The plans for how to use the occasion to confront or convert. And the after-action reports of how it all turned out. Today we take up an "I'm dreading it" thread, i.e., this THREAD by DUmmie Cyrano, "Thanksgiving dinner + wingnut relatives = a horrible day."

So let us now go over the river and through the woods to DUmmieland, in Cranberry Red, while the commentary of your humble guest correspondent, Charles Henrickson, who, strangely, thinks that Thanksgiving Day is about giving thanks to God, is in the [brackets]:

Thanksgiving dinner + wingnut relatives = a horrible day

[Undergrounder and the Terrible, Horrible, CyraNo Good, Very Bad Day.]

I have two wingnut in-laws who will be at Thanksgiving dinner and they always want to talk politics.

[Good. Maybe they'll talk some sense into you.]

There's just no way I can avoid it. I've considered faking a heart attack or stroke to escape this ordeal, but I doubt if I'd get away with it.

[Well then, don't fake it. Have a real heart attack or stroke. If you can't manage that, get a dog to bite you or something. Whatever. Sunstroke. Use your imagination.]

They are against everything that most sane people believe in.

[Think of it: They are AGAINST the government taking our money away and spending it on unconstitutional wealth-redistribution schemes, and taxing us out the wazoo, and driving businesses out of business, and driving up the debt into the trillions for generations to come! They're AGAINST that! Some really CRAAAAZY wacko stuff!]

They are intolerable dittoheads and Fox "News" addicts. And they are people I really don't want to be on the same planet with.

[Astral project yourself onto Uranus.]

I can usually avoid them most of the year, but this is one day I'm stuck with. Maybe I'll get lucky and choke to death on some cranberry sauce.

[One can hope.]

I've often asked myself why I put up with it.

[It's the free food. You like being able to mooch off your relatives. I bet you even take all the turkey skin.]

There's no arguing a different point of view with them, but I'd really like to tell them to shut their stupid f***ing mouths.

[Oh, go for it. Just try to be tactful. "Excuse me, my dear wingnut relatives. Would you kindly shut your stupid f***ing mouths?" Try that, and get back to me.]

However, that would cause irreparable damage within my family with which I'm very close.

[Possibly. . . . But be sure to say "kindly." "Would you KINDLY shut your stupid f***ing mouths?" That will lessen the blow.]

I'm sure that some of you have the same problem. . . .

[Let's find out, shall we?]

Folks probably should avoid talking about politics on holidays. Not much good comes of it.

[No, no! Make the most of the opportunity! Confront! Convert! OCCUPY Thanksgiving!]

They're zombies. No longer living in the here and now. . . . More than a little bit scarey. . . .

[Night of the Living Red.]

Get an ipod/phone and just listen to some podcasts the whole day.

[The Pod People.]

Please don't choke on your cranberry sauce. They aren't worth it.

[That crummy ambrosia salad that Aunt Wilma always makes? Yeah, that's about all they're worth. So choke on that instead.]

Too bad "To-Go" isn't an option.

[Drive up to Grandma and Grandpa's window and ask them to throw a plate out to you.]

Tell them the turkey reminds them of the GOP candidates. . . .

[Obama reminds me of creamed arugula.]

Some electric brownie's could go a long way. Or electric popcorn - made with special butter.

[Better Thanksgiving through chemistry.]

I actually enjoy engaging my inlaws in person. . . . they have nowhere to go and are armed with a rubber knife at a ninja fight ---- if they start up tomorrow I'm gonna make sushi out of any parts left over after I grind them to hamburger.

[DUmmie MedicalAdmin, you are a shining light slinging hash in the kitchen of English! Congratulations, you win the Mixed Metaphor Award of the Day®!]

I have nothing BUT wingnuts in my family, so we two will be sharing a quiet Thanksgiving at home. Alone.

[DUmmie DCKit talks to himself a lot. It's developed into "we two."]

I'd have dinner at a Chinese buffet.

[Watch out for the Huntsman crowd.]

if dinner with them simply cannot be escaped (spousal expectations or something) -- I would suggest just staring at them fixedly, silently, with a mixture of sympathy and revulsion -- the look you probably have on your face while watching a cat cast up a hairball.

[You know, that DUmb, blank look you normally have.]

They: Blah blah blah clinton's dick....blah blah blah Kenyan....blah blah blah libruls...

Me: (Lonnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnng Pause).......................You know that is the most ridiculous thing you've said... except for everything else you have ever said. (sit back in chair and stare at your fork)

[Fork them.]

take some print visuals..could be an opportunity...forget debate...take printed facts in your casserole dish

[Stick a PowerPoint in your buns.]

the OP could have an educational dinner theater. . . . "This turkey represents the amount of wealth that is currently held by the one percent in this country. And the amount of wealth that the 99 have is represented by...this soggy cube of stuffing." Then you could keep repeating and pointing at the food, "One percent...turkey...99 percent...stuffing. And again! Turkey one percent...stuffing 99 percent..." Maybe after an hour of those yummy visuals--they will finally get it.

[After an hour of this, your relatives will be ready to knock the stuffing out of you.]

stay on the attack

[Just be careful when Uncle Fred pulls out the pepper spray.]

A turkey leg across the mouth of right-wing relatives is my solution

[Poultry in motion.]


Anonymous Jerome Goolsby said...

The Troglaman Clones are some truly sick hateful fools...

8:40 PM  
Anonymous Corona said...

Trust me DU, you hate us more than we hate you. Basically we just find hate a waste of time.

9:32 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I find DUmmies to be a great source of entertainment...and the fact that they get so flabbergasted over those who disagree with their worldview...that is a great source of laughter for me. Other than that, YAWN. Couldn't care less.

It is 2AM in West Texas...shouldn't Torgladork be closing out the bar without a female companion in about 3...2...1...

4:07 AM  
Blogger Skul said...

If it causes them so much pain and grief, why not just stay away?

Oh, I forgot.
When you live in the parents home, you're usually expected to show up.

Here's a hint, DUmmies.
Eat the turkey quietly.
Keep yer damn mouth shut.
Politely excuse yourself, go back to the basement.

4:58 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Good advice to the DUmmie, Skul, but the advice should actually go to the parents: kick that sorry POS parasite out on his own so he/she/it can gain some life experience and become productive instead of being a parasitic POS for the rest of his/her/its life.
Of course, I can understand why you wouldn't want your progeny out on the street. It would be most embarrassing for you if the DUmmie told anyone it was related to you.

11:53 AM  
Anonymous krazy kat said...

Jesus, such nasty, unhappy people. The DUmmies would be better off "celebrating" Thanksgiving in a squalid public park with other nasty, unhappy Occubots.

But count on a DUmmie to make Thanksgiving a day of misery for themselves and for others.

However, this is just a warm up for the dreaded Christmas holiday where the misery they inflict on themselves and others will be compounded.

1:00 PM  
Blogger JorgXMcKie said...

I find that the way to shut up DUmmies who act like the ones presented here is to look them right in the eye and say, "So. Found a job yet, loser?"

Works every time.

10:12 PM  
Blogger JorgXMcKie said...

This comment has been removed by the author.

10:12 PM  
Anonymous Corona said...


Excellent idea.

1:40 PM  
Anonymous Skully said...

I always ask my liberal family members to bring the more complicated side dishes, while I'll ask my conservative ones, to just bring like bread, beer, chips...easy stuff. That way one day of the year the losers in the family actually contribute more.

3:01 PM  
Anonymous envisio said...

I for one am fortunate enough to have NO liberals in my family.... and Thanksgiving is a 20 family member event. No parasites.
Our parents were conservative therefore they kicked our ass out. It was either college, work, or military. No twenty year old video game playing losers allowed. We were all raised to work our way through life. Nobody went off to "arts" college and smoked pot all day.
Not a single liberal in our family and we will raise our kids to keep it that way.

3:20 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

The hate runs deep in this thread...I think this could be the next DU post:

3:28 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

"This turkey represents the amount of wealth that is currently held by the one percent in this country. And the amount of wealth that the 99 have is represented by...this soggy cube of stuffing." Then you could keep repeating and pointing at the food, "One percent...turkey...99 percent...stuffing. And again! Turkey one percent...stuffing 99 percent..." Maybe after an hour of those yummy visuals--they will finally get it."

Oh, you mean the supper-rich one percent like Buffet, the Solyndra board, the GE and GM leadership, the Hollywood uberliberals, Sulzberger, and all the eBillionaires and iBillionaires who are all big Obama backers, right?


9:53 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

My mom and stepdad are liberals but the "yellow dog" style. In that they: own and like guns, eat meat, don't recycle, don't mind hard work, and own land. But they also vote democrat and watch MSNBC.

I still love 'em despite the last two. Thanksgiving's fine, we know we disagree, we know we're not going to convince the other of our views so we talk about something else and blood pressure stays low.

3:17 PM  

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