Saturday, July 09, 2011

KOmmie laurustina parallel constructs her free-floating angst

One of the favorite writing styles of the DUmmies and the KOmmies is the use of parallel construction. By this I mean that they style their sentences to begin the same way and then they vary the second part.

The DUmmies and the KOmmies think this is good writing.

The DUmmies and the KOmmies think this is effective writing.

The DUmmies and the KOmmies think this is writing with style and great earnestness.

The DUmmies and the KOmmies do this parallel-construction bit over and over and over again, ad nauseam, ad infinitum.

The DUmmies and the KOmmies do parallel construction especially when they are whining or complaining ("I used to believe...") or wanting to get something off their chest ("I never expected...") or taking a brave strong stand ("From this day forward I will no longer accept...").

In other words, the DUmmies and the KOmmies do this all the time.

But today we may just have the Mother of All Parallel-Constructionism. KOmmie Drama Queen laurustina parallel constructs her free-floating angst into overdrive, here in this THREAD, the elegantly titled, "I want my f*#%ing life back."

So let us now join lyrical laurustina and the KOmmies, in Redundant Repetitive Red, while the commentary of your humble guest correspondent, Charles Henrickson, wondering if the DUmmies and the KOmmies live in a parallel universe, is in the [brackets]:

I want my f*#%ing life back

[Great title, KOmmie laurustina. It sings.]

I want to not be invisible anymore.

[Don't worry, KOmmie laurustina, you're getting GREAT EXPOSURE here on the DUmmie FUnnies!]

I want to get up and shower and have somewhere to go.

[I think everyone else would like you to shower, too.]

I want to punch the people who talk about the recession being over.

[Haven't you heard? This is Recovery Summer 2.0!]

I want to not have to choose between toilet paper or dog food.

[I think if you use the dog food, instead of the toilet paper, you may need to take another shower.]

I want to take back all the money I spent on student loans for an education that does me no good now.

[A mind is a terrible thing to waste.]

I want to stop mending the waistband of five-year-old sweatpants.

[A waist is a terrible thing to mend.]

I want to not consider two tacos for a dollar at Jack In The Box a splurge.

[Thinking outside the Box.]

I want to walk into a job interview not reeking of desperation.

[Really, take that shower. Please.]

I want to shop at the Dollar Store because I'm thrifty, not because it is the only way I can afford luxuries like body wash, toothpaste and laundry soap.

[Don't shower so much.]

I want to pay for a haircut, instead of using the kitchen scissors to “even up the ends again”.

[Just shave the whole thing off and you'll save on shampoo.]

I want to have a sh*t job to b*tch about.

[Maybe if you used a different writing style for your job applications. . . .]

I want to wear contact lenses again, instead of these wobbly old glasses.

[I would think a KOmmie would LIKE the Wobblies.]

I want to not have to choose between buying tampons or a pound of ground beef.

[I don't think the ground beef would work so well.]

I want to buy a book that ISN'T on the 25-cent rack at the Thrift Store.

[I think Pitt's books are on the 10-cent rack.]

I want to stop avoiding my friends because they're pitying or worse.

[Maybe THEY'RE avoiding YOU.]

I want to use good trash bags.

[I'm sorry, your friends will still be able to tell who you are.]

I want to consider owning a spicebox and a mortar and pestle NOT a pipe dream.

[New recipes for the bong pipe!]

I want a new bra.

[Is that you, benburch?]

I want to feel like a real person again.

I want to BE a real person again.

[I want you to stop with the parallel construction.]

I am sick to death of feeling powerless.

[OK, so you stopped with the "I wants." I now predict we move to the "I am sick to death ofs."]

I am sick to death of explaining to other people that “getting a job at McDonalds” is not as simple as they think.

[I think aiming for Mayor McCheese right off the bat may be setting your sights too high. Work your way up.]

I am sick to death of feeling powerless.

[Didn't we already do this one? Look, the idea of parallel construction is that you VARY the second part of the sentence, not just automatically repeat the whole thing.]

I am sick to death of people telling me that “it could be worse”, because I know that it could and I am convinced that it will and I am only biding my time in this limbo which is a certain kind of hell all its own.

[Well, it COULD be worse. You might have to READ a whinefest like this.]

I am sick. And sad. And exhausted. And undone.

[Period. Punkt. End of story. Thank you, KOmmie laurustina. Now to your fellow KOmmies' KOmments . . .]

I could have written this diary.


Frankly, after dozens of fruitless interviews, my ass is my only hope.

[Barney Frank checks in. . . .]

A very poignant rant.

[A very petulant rant.]

I don't much like our fellow countrymen. Even when they are Dem's I often find their thiking to be nutty.

[ESPECIALLY when they are Dems, I find their thinking to be NUtty!]

This rant should be a manifesto.

[Manifesto Destiny!]

I want a solid night's sleep. . . .

I want to not have this extra 40 lbs. I gained from all the stress-eating. . . .

[Look what you've done, laurustina! Now you've got SOMEONE ELSE doing the parallel-construction thing!]

I want to walk into the grocery store . . .

[. . . and make up a bouncy.]

And, I could use a new bra, too.

[Which leads us to this final KOmment from KOmmie laurustina . . .]

I am overwhelmed by the support and suggestions and the stories you have all shared. I wish new bras and shoes and hope and joy for each one. . . .

[I wish you toilet paper and dog food.
I wish you tampons and ground beef.
I wish you good trash bags and lots of showers. . . .]


Blogger Dan said...

And if they were to carefully examine WHY they are in the shape they are in, they would realize BO and those on the Left are the reason their life is such in the shitter.

4:41 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I've been employed in the same job for 13 years, got promoted July 1st, make about $103,000/year, have two solid cars, and am looking forward to retiring in 7 years. No chance whatsoever I will lose my job in any fashion. Oh, and I'm 41. But then again, I never grew up with my hand out expecting others to do for me what I should be doing for myself. I wonder what the unemployment rate is amongst the DUmmies and KOmmies? It's gotta be around 40%. That's funny to me.

5:34 PM  
Anonymous Corona said...

You made your beds, Dummies. Now stay awake in it.

7:24 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

And I bet she would vote for Obama again. She deserves what she gets.

9:14 PM  
Anonymous krazy kat said...

"I want to not have to choose between buying tampons or a pound of ground beef."

"I want to use good trash bags."

"I want a new bra."

How can you satirize the DU when it's self-satirizing?

9:53 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

What, no witty satire for the dead child? Come on, you're not living up to your potential. BTW, nice photo by the way. My tits look great.

- laurustina

10:29 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

"Our pets heads are falling off!!"


"There's no jobs in this town."

"Yeah, unless you want to work 40 hours a week."

(From DUmb and DUmber)

12:38 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

"I want my f*#%ing life back"

Sorry, Comrade Laurustina, your life has been declared property of the State. That is all now in the hands of Lord Zero, who in his boundless wisdom, will decide what the best use for it might be.

Oh, and of course that includes pulling the "D" lever for him in 2012, since after all everything bad that has happened to you, or ever will happen to you, is the fault Archenemy of the State George W. Bush.

Regrets, Comrade DAT

9:02 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...


I'm a single mother who's ex hasn't paid a dime in child support in ten years. I work 40 plus hours a week and make approximately $23000 a year.

While I qualify for food stamps, HEAP,subsidized housing and Medicaid and any other gov't benefit there is, I receive none fo those.

I have a ten year old car that's paid for and a house I'm buying on a Contract for Deed.

I have no credit card debt and live within my means. My child and I never go hungry. I buy most clothes at Wal-Mart or other such places.

Sure, there are times I wish I could have the latest gadget when it comes out on the market and I dream of trips abroad.

But my son and I are happy. Ask him if he thinks he's poor. He'll look at you quizzically and wonder exactly what you mean.

We have all the necessities of life and a few "luxuries".

I've realized over the years I can be happy and make the best with what I have.

Money and things do not buy happiness.

I do not envy to the point of anger and a sense of unfairness the wealthy of this country.

I guess, to you, I'm one of those "idiots who vote against their best interests."

But I'm just your average American citizen who works and is grateful for that opportunity.

I sincerely hope things get better for you, Laurustina. Monetarily and spiritually.

10:36 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

"I want to buy a book that ISN'T on the 25-cent rack at the Thrift Store."-Laurustina

I'll do you one better Laurie, there's this place that has books that are better than what you find on the .25 rack at the Thrift Store. You can get four books there and still have enough money for your 2 for $1. taco splurge. The catch is you have to bring them back in a couple of weeks. It's called the libr...

Ah, skip it. Enjoy your dog-eared copy of "N'arlins Bodices Afire" I hear Fabio is particularly dreamy on the cover of that one.

7:48 PM  
Anonymous Charles Henrickson said...

Sometimes doing satire is walking a tightrope, and I'm not always as successful in how it comes across as I would like. This was probably one of those times. I apologize.

What I was *trying* to satirize was:

a) the overdone parallel-construction writing style that they have a tendency to use,

b) the free-floating rant about the economy, when the policies of the president they voted for have only made things worse, and they don't recognize that,

c) the expectation that the government should fix their lives for them, and

d) the whining about having to economize, when a lot of us are already having to do that, and we're not writing long-winded rants about it.

BTW, the writer is not a single mother, she has a husband, and he is employed.

I *am* sensitive to being unemployed or underemployed. Both my wife and I have gone through that in recent years. We ourselves are struggling financially.

Also, how I would deal with the writer on a *personal*, one-on-one level, if I knew her, would be different than when I am writing political satire for laughs.

Again, maybe I didn't walk the fine line as well as I should have in this DUFU. I'm sorry that I offended some. And I'm glad that most all of you enjoy *most* of the DUFUs!


8:50 AM  

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