Monday, May 13, 2013

Advice to a lovelorn DUmmie: Go to Mars, young moonbat, go to Mars!

Today we visit two DUmmie threads that may seem like they're not related, but really they are. I'm referring to this THREAD, "So ladies think there's any hope for me?" and this THREAD, "78,000 apply for one-way mission to Mars." Don't worry if you don't see the connection now. All things will become clear.

So let us board our Curiosity rover and explore the terrain of Planet DUmmieland, in Red Planet Red, while the commentary of your humble guest correspondent, Charles Henrickson, ready to do a DUFU on DUFOs, is in the [brackets]:

So ladies think there's any hope for me?

[This is a thread posted by DUmmie Locut0s, who apparently lacks hope for success with the ladies. Let's find out why.]

Things going against me:

[Well, you're a DUmmie, for starters. That does not augur well. But, go ahead, DUmmie Locut0s, let's see your list. . . .]
31 year old virgin with a bunch of mental baggage. Depression and anxiety.
Never so much as held hands with a girl.
Still live at home with parents.
Having problems living in the world due to emotional issues.
Put on a few extra pounds.
Initially probably looking for sex above other things (but that's probably more due to having never played around in my teens and 20s like most do)
Not looking for a family.

[Summary: Tubbo here lives in his parents' basement, and one night, in a fit of passion, he landed his whole 350 pounds on his blow-up love doll, thus flattening her. So rather than having to buy a new one out of his weekly allowance, he's wondering if he can find a cheap date online. Good luck, soldier.]

Things going for me:

[This better be good, because right now you're making DUmmie stevenumbers look like a babe magnet.]

Still quite handsome, been told I'm strikingly so when I've lost some weight.
Very intelligent.
Excellent sense of humour.
Awesome personality, I get along with most people.
Longer run looking for a life companion, someone to laugh and joke and have fun with.
I feel like I'd be a great cuddler and listener.

[Hey, if you'd be interested in dating a blog, DUmmie FUnnies would laugh and joke and have fun with you.]

Any hope you think, or should I just pack my bags and forget about it. I probably will anyway.

[No, no hope. Just pack your bags. More on that later. But first, let's see what your fellow DUmmies have to say . . .]

Use the talents listed to turn the cons into a comedy routine and you'll have to fight them off with a stick.

[Good idea! And now that you've been featured on the DUmmie FUnnies, you may even get your own groupies! Nadin Brzezinski, for example, is even coming out with her own pin-up calendar next year, she's that popular. Fame is an aphrodisiac.]

I am good at making people laugh. But the stage and me do not mix well. I'd probably get up there and immediately sh*t my pants. Though that in and of itself might make for a funny routine.

[Go for it, DUmmie Locut0s. You'll attract all the girls with a fecal fetish.]

Write a humerous book - then self-publish on somplace like Amazon. Sell at a low price. . . .

[Is that you, William Rivers Pitt?]

I'm not a relationship expert, but I would have to guess that you aren't around women enough to meet any.

[Your mom coming down the stairs with a box of Pop-Tarts doesn't count as "being around women."]

You could maybe join a club at the gym or something.

[Just hope the people don't mistake you for one of those big exercise balls.]

volunteer and community work. . . .

[Maybe you COULD volunteer yourself as a fitness ball. It would be a way to meet girls.]

Take part in what life has to offer. Know and accept the fact that "We'll win some, and lose
some." Be grateful for the opportunities life is offering you.

[Go placidly amid the noise and waste, and remember what comfort there may be in owning a piece thereof. Avoid quiet and passive persons, unless you are in need of sleep. Rotate your tires.]

There's a woman who's waiting for you to appear. . . .

[And she's armed with pepper spray.]

my interests are mainly cerebral or nerdy which makes it a little harder... I suppose I could look up book clubs or something. My main areas of interest would be science, computers, gaming, other nerdy stuff. There are actually some good gatherings for "nerds" (I hate using that term). Sakura Con, various gaming conversions. I know women like to go to them too.

[Know-it-all Nadin would be PERFECT for you! She's definitely cerebral, she's into gaming, and she too resembles a fitness ball. Only problem is, she's married to a submarine commander, and she's probably got you on her iggy list, anyhow.]

I met my wife playing D and D.

[DUmmie and DUmmier?]

Do you have any female platonic friends?

[No, but he did have a female plastic friend. Until the recent explosion, that is.]

If you don't, you may be inclined to think of women as a strange, alien life form. . . .

[Ah, you're anticipating the next thread. Hold on, though.]

Desperation is another turn-off. Some people just radiate it.

I don't believe I radiate desperation, although I'm sure I would radiate some amount of awkwardness at first.

[Speaking of radiation, DUmmie Locut0s, you may want to consider using a BO stick. PJ can get you a coupon.]

Go to Lisdoonvarna County Clare Ireland in September. Go to the Lisdoonvarna Matchmaking Festival. . . .

[And when that doesn't work, keep circumnavigating the globe until you realize you may need to check out other planets.]

Find other people of a like mind.

[You'd think DUmmieland would be a GOLD MINE of moonbat maidens! Have you PMed DUmmie Sarah Ibuprofen yet? Like a moth drawn to a flame, DUmmie Sarah keeps falling for rethuglican boyfriends, who treat her like a queen. It drives her mad! She's looking for a liberal loser just like you, DUmmie Locut0s! Give her a whirl!]

C'mon, girls! He's Canadian! You get all that AND universal health care!

[Which you may need, considering his best friends are farm animals.]

I'm a 28-year-old dude, never been in a relationship, not a virgin but have little experience. I also live at home. . . .

[Well, if DUmmie Locut0s gets desperate enough, he may give you a try.]

in addition to the good advice you've gotten here. . . .

[Guess who steps in now to give DUmmie Locut0s even more advice on wooing a girl? DUmmie stevenumbers! That's like having Michael Moore give advice on running track! Next . . .]

consider re-evaluating yourself more realistically. If you were that great, you wouldn't be having this problem.

[You are a fluke of the universe. You have no right to be here. And whether you can hear it or not, the universe is laughing behind your back.]

Traveling always made me feel a lot better. . . . sometimes a change of scenery really does help.

[Good. We'll get to that in a moment.]

Since you clearly need actual help allow me to advise you. I will be blunt: Alpha the hell up. . . . Talk to every attractive woman you see. Say hello, ask them out to coffee, offer them a fifty for a blow job. Whatever. Go ahead and f*** up, it's okay -- there are a hundred million more of them so who the hell cares. Stop giving a d*mn what they think. Stop CARING so d*mn much, stop liking them and worshipping them. F*** that, if they want to be treated well they can d*mn well earn it.

[DUmmie Demo_Chris says: Treat women like DIRT! That's what they REALLY want!]

And for Cthuhlu's sake don't fall in love with the first chick that you win. You're a wolf, a predator, so keep hunting.

[Predatory Dating 101.]

The BFF guy doesn't need to learn compassion and courtesy, he'll lie in a mud puddle to keep princess from getting her high heals dirty. He needs to learn that it's okay to tell her to lie in that puddle, then walk around it laughing.

[DUmmie Demo_Chris LAUGHS at the chick in the mud puddle! Ha! Ha!]

We all have to work for a living and support ourselves. It's time you do that.

[Wait, wait, wait! Isn't this DEMOCRATIC Underground?? And you talk about WORK?? I thought everyone has a RIGHT to income equality! Isn't that what the government is there for? And this guys's a Canadian, to boot! Why waste time working?]

[OK, now that we've heard from your fellow DUmmies, DUmmie Locut0s, I've turned your problem over to the DUmmie FUnnies' own advice-to-the-lovelorn columnist, Li'l Beaver. Here's what he has to say . . .

[Dear DUmmie Locut0s: Consider a mission to Mars. That's right, you heard me--a mission to Mars. Think about it: If you were a Martian girl, would you want to date some little green man, when you COULD go out with even a fat loser from Earth? . . . On second thought, don't answer that. . . . But, anyhow, do look into a flight to Mars. It couldn't be any worse than what you're doing now. Cheers! Li'l Beaver]


[Which leads us to our next thread . . .]

78,000 apply for one-way mission to Mars

[78,001, now that we've put the bug in DUmmie Locut0s's ear.]

Mars One, a Dutch company’s project that aims to fly four people to the red Planet every two years, starting in April 2023 has reportedly received more than 78,000 entries. . . .

[The DUmmies can apply for a group rate and make Mars the BOLSHEVIK Red Planet!]

the company is expecting 500,000 applicants by the time applications close on August 31.

[Act now, DUmmies! Time is growing short!]

I'm signing up. . . .

[There's one! Who's next?]

Nowhere to go, stuck with a given group of people for the rest of your life? No thanks.

[But, but, if all you DUmmies go, you could turn Mars into a Workers' Paradise! Universal health care for all, and I do mean UNIVERSAL!]

Oh, I definitely think this is worth doing.

[That's the spirit! Imagine: No more rethuglicans, escape from Jesusland. . . .]

Strapping yourself to a rocket that might explode under you, launching into space, away from Earth, in the celestial void, traveling to Mars, another planet, setting your imprint on another world, digging into the soil of a foreign planet. . . .

[Plus, the global warming emanating from Earth, the Fukushima gas clouds wafting upwards. . . . But what reward comes without risk?]

Four at a time with regular launches of four more. At least the new arrivals will have food waiting for them. Shades of the Donner Party.

[Shades of the Dinner Party. With regular lunches.]

Shielding from cosmic rays and CME's is no little task as shielding means more mass, and there's that pesky Tsiolkovsky rocket equation in which greater mass launched means much greater mass due to the... F***ing rocket equation!! There's no escaping it.

[Not to worry. Between Know-it-all Nadin and Nerdy Science Student Locut0s, they'll have that Tsiolkovsky rocket equation thing figured out in no time.]

Nor is there an escape from the cosmic radiation, except for launching more mass as shielding.

[DUmmie Locut0s provides plenty of mass.]

Water would work well, as it is a superb absorber; that's why it's used to shield nuclear reactors. But water is f***ing massive and then you've got Tsiolkovsky staring you in the face again.
[Triage milk. Nadin has whole pallets.]

I wonder if Yau Man Chan has applied.

[What about Sheila Jackson Lee? Maybe she can find the flag the astronauts planted there.]

What would motivate someone to want to do this?

[For DUmmie Locut0s, it's a confidence-builder and a chance to get out of the house. For DUmmie Demo_Chris, it's the Hunt for a Red Planet Chick to Laugh at in a Martian Mud Puddle, if they have any.]

Really hawt Martian women

[Calm down, DUmmie Locut0s!]

Mars Needs Women!

[DUmmie Locut0s is ready for lift-off!]

I wonder if Hubby put my name down.

[Alice Kramden checks in.]

A one way trip to Mars? Take my wife, please!!

[Henny Youngman checks in.]

How many of those 78,000 were signed up by someone else?

[Guess what, DUmmies? You're ALL going! BWAHAHAHAHA!!!]

what are the first 4 people supposed to do? Assuming there enough food and oxygen for them to survive until the next ship, what will they do to make the planet better for the next arrivals?

[Sounds like they'll need a community organizer. I've got just the fella in mind.]

They are creating livable areas, most likely underground. . . .

[DUmmie Locut0s comments: It would not be difficult. Nuclear reactors could provide power almost indefinitely. Greenhouses could maintain plant life. Animals could be bred and slaughtered. I would guess that dwelling space for several hundred thousands of our people could easily be provided.]

I think there will be some psychological screening going on during the selection process.

[DUmmie Locut0s again: It could easily be accomplished with a computer. A computer could be set and programmed to accept factors from youth, health, sexual fertility, intelligence, and a cross-section of necessary skills. For instance, we would want someone who is already used to living below ground. Perhaps someone who likes to study science, over a long period of time. Someone a little "nerdy," let's say. A great cuddler and listener. That sort of person. Naturally, they would breed prodigiously, eh? There would be much time, and little to do. But with the proper breeding techniques and a ratio of, say, ten females to each male. . . . Excuse me. . . . The prevailing emotion will be one of nostalgia for those left behind, combined with a spirit of bold curiosity for the adventure ahead! Aaaahhh!!!]

I would, out of the sense of adventure. . . .

[Nadin Brzezinski is GO!]


Blogger TANSTAAFL said...

As Robert A. Heinlein pointed out when you mix an extremely hostile envoirenment with stupid people, you get evolution in action.

6:00 PM  
Anonymous The JUDGE said...

THIS is evolution....?

May God have mercy on us all.....

12:29 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

PJ has anyone ever told you how much more user friendly the mobile version of the site is compared with the regular web version. I would love to see the web version transition to that. It would be so much easier to use.

1:33 PM  

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