Friday, December 24, 2010

"If Aliens Were to Land, What would You Do?"

I used to love to hand the Sci-Fi novel, "Venus On The Half Shell" by Kilgore Trout, off to people and act like it was a serious work. Then wait for their reactions as they read about space aliens who communicated by tap dancing and farting. A lot of them would take it completely seriously which really made me laugh. Anyway, the DUmmies have wandered into speculations about "If Aliens Were to Land. What would You Do?" as you can see in this THREAD. The results are equally hilarious. So let us now watch the DUmmies speculate about aliens landing on Terra in Bolshevik Red while the commentary of your humble correspondent, wondering if those aliens that the DUmmies spy in the sky aren't really Santa Claus and his reindeer, is in the [brackets]:


If Aliens Were to Land, What would You Do?

[Remove my Obama bumper sticker?]

Take up arms?

[Justice Breyer channeled James Madison and imagined that you DON'T have that right.]

Run and hide?

[In Ben Burch's rear cave?]

Get down on your knees and beg for mercy?

[Too late. Intergalactic forces have determined that all DUmmies in the universe MUST be wiped out.]

I welcome them to Earth then ask them to ZAP conservatives with their DEATH RAY!

[Until that time just have the FCC ZAP conservatives off the airwaves...and now from the internet.]

What if In their eyes, we are all too conservative?

[Invasion of the Bolshevik Aliens!!!]

If they turn out to be benevolent, I would ask them

1. what was up with all the cat and mouse over the years?

2. Do you have a "God"?

3. Why does everything exist? (maybe answered by #2)

[4. Is there life after birth?]

Make sure my ass is well-lubricated so their anal probes won't hurt so much.

[That MUST be Ben Burch.]

Apologize for the mess, and warn them about religious nuts who may feel compelled to attack, simply because they are so f*cking ignorant and faith based.

[And of course those religious nuts you are referring to are NOT Muslims who are really causing the problems.]

Wet my pants.

[Depends...on their intentions.]

Thank whatever deity deemed deserving for the chance that help to put down the PTB has arrived!

[Go for Goddess Gaia!]

They already did and I sang like a canary. Sold out the entire human race.

[LOL! You get credit for an INTENTIONALLY FUnnie line.]

... I would likely shit myself.

[But only AFTER wetting your pants. Proper etiquette must be observed.]

"Take me with you!"

[Sorry. Your spot on the spaceship has already been taken by Roy Neary.]

beg them to remove me from this shithole.

[No problem. They will gladly relocate you to North Korea.]

See what Michael Rennie had to say...then take it from there.

["Klatu DUmmie Nikto."]

Wonder how long it will take for their viruses to wipe us out.

[The reverse happened in "War of the Worlds."]

what if they turned out to be famous alien porn stars looking for some seriously strange?

[Then direct them to Ron "Hedgehog" Jeremy.]

16 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm pretty sure the aliens already landed and created these pod people which now all hang out on DU. Being highly evolved, aliens probably run around the universe creating comedy colonies so they can sit in their spaceships and watch the fun.

9:00 AM  
Blogger Tazzerman said...

I'm surprised no one asked if that was a hybrid spaceship or not.

11:06 AM  
Anonymous Jerome Goolsby said...

We on this blog already know how to deal with aliens.

We have to deal with Troglaman.

1:58 PM  
Blogger Harry said...

If a space alien were to arrive:

The Americans would study it.

The Indians would worship it.

The Chinese would rack their brains to come up with a suitable recipe.

3:10 PM  
Anonymous Foxx said...

More like they would come to kick somebody in the ass and demand why we're still lagging about on this rock instead of being in space already.

Oh wait, one hundred years of progressive diminished returns and Obama's in the white house.

Never mind.

9:57 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

First it must be said:

"It's a cook book !"

(in this case titled. "How to Serve DUmmies."

More seriously, "Venus on the Half Shell", by Kilgore Trout, was actually written by Jose Farmer, better known for his River World novels.

10:13 PM  
Anonymous Kirk Johnson said...

<< If a space alien were to arrive:

The Americans would study it.

The Indians would worship it.

The Chinese would rack their brains to come up with a suitable recipe. >>


But why stop there?


The Brits would converse with it.

The French would surrender to it.

The Italians would impregnate it.

The Irish would punch it in the face.

The Germans would videotape themselves sh*tting on it.

The Russians would get it drunk.

The Africans would give it AIDS.

The Aussies would toss it away to see if it comes back.

The DurkaDurkaStanis would declare jihad.

And while all this was going on, the Mexicans would invade its spaceship.

5:30 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Wow. Another stupid right-wing yutz with a blog. Original.

7:33 PM  
Blogger Mark said...

Not as anonymous said..

Wow, another stupid leftwing nutjob troll with a comment post, unoriginal.

------------

I noticed from the names.. some of the comments and other hints, alot of the Dumminies are pretty old. 65 plus and counting. I guess not having ushered in the age of aquarious has made many of them bitter clingers to their beads and anti-social ways.

8:42 PM  
Anonymous troglaman said...

"We on this blog already know how to deal with aliens. We have to deal with Troglaman." jackhammer jerry

What did you (and the rest of you rascals) do with the "aliens", jerry? I'll bet it's really scary.

I REALLY REALLY want to go to Area 51, jerry-jack...and if you could actually convince them that I, troglaman, am TOO an alien...then I'd owe you, bro. It shouldn't be that hard.

12:14 AM  
Anonymous DumbAss Tanker said...

Apparently the idea that the aliens would be from some enlightened Liberal Utopia is the single idea their minds could grasp. It seems equally (un)likely that they would be from a Fascist, militarist society whose Maximum Leader may be off on a mental tangent for interstellar exploration, bending their entire resource base to that megalomaniacal end, driving them to explore ever farther just to spread their ideology and/or autographed pictures of himself.

10:20 AM  
Anonymous troglaman said...

"Apparently the idea that the aliens would be from some enlightened Liberal Utopia is the single idea their minds could grasp." dumbass

A "Liberal Utopia"? That's the one idea us libs could grasp? Aliens from a Liberal Utopia? Fuck.

Once again, how do you talk to someone like this dumbass? Could someone help me here?

3:11 AM  
Anonymous DumbAss Tanker said...

Is your tiresome blather driven by nothing more than the egotistical desire to befoul the end of every string of comments with your own boring and repetitious invective?

Ahhh, never mind, even if it was, you'd just lie about it. I believe I'll just ignore your profane if empty prattle from here on, it seems the only way to thwart your pathetic thirst for attention.

9:17 AM  
Anonymous Jerome Goolsby said...

DumbAss Tanker (speaking about Troglaman the Guttersnipe) said...

Is your tiresome blather driven by nothing more than the egotistical desire to befoul the end of every string of comments with your own boring and repetitious invective?


The answer that question, Tanker, is "YES".

8:37 PM  
Anonymous troglaman said...

"Is your tiresome blather driven by nothing more than the egotistical desire to befoul the end of every string of comments with your own boring and repetitious invective?" dumbass

Beware, dumbass. I, troglaman, bear the sword known as the "Befouler". So you're pretty much fucked.

3:23 AM  
Anonymous Clone Of Troglaman said...

I are Troglaman. Me am brilliant.

Me enjoy being foul-mouthed jackass and acting like me are smart that way.

I are vile and egotistical.

Me am smarter than anyone on this blog because I are world-class smart ass.

I are Troglaman. Me am brilliant.

2:54 AM  

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