DUmmie FUnnies 02-28-05 ("This Third American Empire (seeking input)"---Pied Piper Pitt]

When I was in high school, every once in a while, our class would be visited by a graduate who was currently attending a college as a Freshman or Sophomore. As this college student would speak with his former teacher, we would be somewhat impressed with the “vast knowledge” of this person who seemed like a man of the world in comparison to us mere high school kids. Of course, these college guys weren’t really all that knowledgeable but they still appeared to make an impression on us little high school kids who didn’t know any better. And now we have William Rivers Pitt performing the same routine on the high school kids of Dummieland in this DUmmie THREAD titled, “This Third American Empire (seeking input).” As we shall see in this latest bloviation by Pied Piper Pitt, he really doesn’t know what the hell he is talking about with his slapdash lesson of mock history but it is enough to impress the DUmmies. So what is the goal of Pied Piper Pitt’s overlong discourse here? Well, you have to suffer through until near the end when Pitt introduces a new boogyman to replace the DUmmie OBSESSION with PNAC. Yes, thanx to Pied Piper Pitt, the DUmmies can now fear the obscure something called CNP which is the WHOLE PURPOSE of this bloviation. Not that Pitt really thinks there is something fearful about CNP. He just wants to inflate his self-importance by introducing this new boogyman. Therefore, in the future, whenever the DUmmies screech about the powerful CNP, Pitt can feel puffed up over the fact that HE was the one that seared that CNP brand onto the DUmmie conciousness. Without further ado, let us now chuckle over Pied Piper Pitt’s pseudo history lecture. Pitt’s bloviations and the DUmmie responses are in Bolshevik Red while the commentary of your humble correspondent, sending out a History for DUmmies book to Pitt, is in the [brackets]:

This Third American Empire (seeking input). This is very rough. Any and all input would be greatly appreciated.

[And the “input” you seek, Pitt, is a massive pat on the back from the high school DUmmies who are awed that Pitt is able to piece together some slapdash history which sounds as if it were taught to him by Professor Ward Churchill.]

There have been three American empires since the creation of this nation. Each has fed the other, and each has been established and fortified by war, and more importantly, by the vast profits derived by the few in the making of war.

[Yup, it definitely sounds like you were taught by Professor Ward Churchill Pitt. Oh, and nice touch there with that Third American Empire shtick since it sounds comparable with the Third Reich. But why not just drop the subtley, Pitt, and call this the Third American Reich?]

The first American empire began with the conclusion of the Civil War. All the states east of the Mississippi River had been brought by force back under the rule of the federal government, a national taxation system had been established to provide revenues to that government, and the nascent outlines of what Eisenhower described as ‘the military/industrial complex’ had been built by the lucrative contracts handed out to arm, clothe and feed the military.

[Oops! You forgot all about the Westward movement PRIOR to the Civil War. Plus I think even Professor Ward Churchill would give you an “F” for forgetting to mention the War with Mexico which all good leftists include as a highlight of American “imperialism.” Also at the conclusion of the Civil War, the “military/industrial” complex virtually disappeared. Another “F” or at best a “D” in history for you here. So what address shall I send your copy of the “History for DUmmies” book, Pitt?]

For many years prior, Americans had been pushing into the western lands occupied by native peoples. Under the banner of Manifest Destiny, the military/economic machine created to fight the Confederacy pushed its way to the Pacific Ocean. In the process, the vast majority of Native Americans were erased from the book of history, a book that is always written by the victors.

[Not only is your history lacking here, Pitt, but your logic as well. How could a “military/economic machine created to fight the Confederacy” push its way to the Pacific Ocean “for many years prior” to the conclusion of the Civil War when in the previous paragraph you said this all began at the conclusion of the Civil War. However, have no fear about being exposed as a charlatan in DUmmieland. DUmmies are notorious for having VERY SHORT attention spans so you will easily pull off this not-so-slight of hand.]

The boundaries of this first empire were limited to the 48 continental states, but it did not long stay this way. By the time Woodrow Wilson assumed the presidency, the first American empire had expanded to include Cuba, Guam, Puerto Rico and the Philippines. Imperial footholds had been established in South America and East Asia. While other global empires were on the wane – the Spanish empire was essentially dissolved with the signing of the Treaty of Paris in 1898, while the French and British empires were being attacked and slowly rolled back – this first American empire became more muscular with each passing day.

[Another “F” in history. Wilson assumed the Presidency PRIOR to World War I. Before that war both the French and British empires were at their height. The dissolution of those colonial empires did not start until AFTER both nations were weakened by the Great War.]

The transition between the first and second American empires began on April 2nd, 1917, when newly re-elected President Wilson reversed his campaign theme of staying out of the European conflict and asked congress for a declaration of war against Germany. Previously, Americans had defined themselves in no small part by being separated from the troubles of the ‘Old World.’ When the doughboys shipped out, however, that line of demarcation was crossed.

[Another “F” in history, Pitt, for leaving out the “little part” about Germany’s announcement at the end of January 1917 of unrestricted submarine warfare on American ships approaching British ports. So it wasn’t exactly like Wilson woke up one morning in April and suddenly decided to enter the war in Europe in order to begin a Second American Empire.]

Despite the eventual victory in Europe, the second American empire took many more years to flower and flourish. American armies and navies were essentially dismantled in the aftermath of the ‘War to End All Wars,’ and the 1930s saw the near-collapse of the American economic system. The advent of and eventual victory in World War II not only cemented the second empire, but resurrected and forever changed the fundamental underpinnings of the American economy. From that victory to now, the American economy has been based centrally on preparation for and fighting of wars.

[The bloodiest war in history gets a quickie review by Pied Piper Pitt . Oh and that war, in the Pitt theory, is really only important in the context of its advancement of the “”Second American Empire.”]


By the end of World War II, the influence of the second American empire stretched throughout Europe to the borders of the new foe, the Soviet empire. Strongholds of the second American empire could be likewise found in Africa, the Japanese mainland and many Pacific islands and, with the creation of the state of Israel, the strategically-vital Middle East. American corporations which had built the victorious war machine swam in an ocean of profits. The ‘military/industrial complex’ was about to become the dominant force in domestic and global commerce, conflict and social structure.

[Finally we hear something about the Soviets---but only as a neutered counterpoint to the EVIL Second American Empire.]

The central reality of the second American empire was the Cold War, a death struggle between two competing ideologies waged across the width and breadth of the planet. The icy staring contest at Checkpoint Charlie in Berlin stood a grim counterpoint to the hot blood spilled in proxy wars fought in Korea, Vietnam, Laos, Cambodia, Angola, the Sinai Peninsula and elsewhere. American and Soviet arms dealers salted the world with millions of conventional weapons to aid these proxy fights.

[Okay, I give you an “A” in your use of moral equivalence here, Pitt, between the EVIL Second American and the “competing” ideology of Communism.]

All the while, larger and more powerful nuclear weaponry was developed by both sides, deployed across the globe, and aimed with deadly intent. On several occasions, most prominently during the Cuban Missile Crisis, these dragons came within inches of shipping the leash. The production of these weapons left uncounted tons of waste behind.

[And where shall I ship your leash, Pitt? I’ll include it in the same package as your “History For DUmmies” book.]

The roots of the third American empire were planted deep in this time. At home, the populace became accustomed to existing in a perpetual state of war. The establishment of the Truman Doctrine by men like Paul Nitze created the foundations for an enduring reality: Americans are most easily governed when they are made to fear the strangers ‘over there’ across the horizon.

[And do you think that maybe, possibly, that Harry Truman might have had the teeniest weeniest bit to do with the establishment of the Truman Doctrine? Naw!]

Profits from contracts for the development and deployment of weaponry became profitable on an epic scale. The military/industrial complex came to own whole swaths of the American political spectrum on both sides of the aisle, and attached itself umbilically to the petroleum industry as a matter of basic expediency. One cannot fight wars without an abundance of oil and gasoline, and after a fashion, the means and the ends became indistinguishable.

[Meanwhile the Soviets were happily engaged in cultural festivals and driving tractors on collective farms. It’s TRUE! I read all about it in Soviet Life.]

The fall of the second American empire came slowly. Millions of Americans took to the streets to protest the large-scale death empire required. The Vietnam War ended with images of Americans fleeing from rooftops in helicopters. A president was required to resign his office or face removal and imprisonment. A 1950s-era chess move in Iran resulted in the 1979 Islamic revolution and the daily humiliation of America by masked gunmen pointing rifles at blindfolded hostages. The CIA, long the sharp saber of American foreign policy, was broken by the Church Committee. Gasoline became brutally expensive and the American economy struck yet another reef. The American populace, by and large, fell into what could be called a mass depression, described by the last president of the second American empire as ‘malaise.’

[Lyndon Johnson was facing removal AND imprisonment? Actually Johnson was facing the loss of any chance of RE-ELECTION. Another “F” in history, Pitt.]

It is difficult to pinpoint exactly when the third American empire came into being, but a hockey game will suffice as a marker. On February 2, 1980, the American Olympic hockey team came from nowhere to defeat the unbeatable Soviet squad in Lake Placid. The subsequent eruption of nationalistic fervor, augmented by the American squad’s victory over Finland in the final round to capture the gold medal, led to an outpouring of public emotion that no sporting event had ever created.

[Hold on! Pitt has lactched onto his Hockey Game theory of geopolitics and he’s NOT letting go. Stand by for MORE!]

It was at Lake Placid that the now-familiar chant of “U.S.A.! U.S.A.!” was born. The American people had been well-trained during the second empire to expect being on top, and the years prior to Lake Placid had been hard. Something so simple as a win on that ice was enough to strike sparks again, to ignite the long fuse that has been this third American empire. The American people were mesmerized by the vision of their flag rising next to but just a little higher than the red Soviet banner. It was their first taste of what would become a long and uninterrupted stretch of total global dominance.

[Yes. We got the taste of blood at the Olympic Hockey Game victory and in a fit of extreme nationalism we wanted more Commie blood especially after being mesmerized by the American flag rising slightly higher than the Bolshevik Red Soviet banner. With blood curdling screams of “USA! USA!” in the streets the Third American Reich, oops, I mean the Third American Empire was born. Thank you for elaborating on the Hockey Game Theory of Geopolitics, Pitt. For this I nominate you to the Ward Churchill Chair of History.]

The central aspect of this third American empire has been the rise of the ‘movement conservative.’ Not to be confused with the breed of conservative that included Nixon and Rockefeller, the movement conservatives held American nationalism and evangelical Christianity as a dual-headed state religion. They spurn concepts of détente and international cooperation. They were and remain radicals in every sense of the word, seeking to deconstruct the American social state that had been in place since the days of FDR.

[Another “F” in history for classifying Rockefeller as any type of conservative although he did redeem himself somewhat late in life by flipping the Finger at some leftist demonstrators. Oh, and I like that touch there about dual-headed state religion. It has no basis in reality but it sounds catchy enough to impress the reality-challenged DUmmies. But what are the Pentecostal Christians> Chopped liver? They are just going to sit around quietly while being ruled by the state religion of the Evangelicals? And let's not even get into the Mormons or the Roman Catholics. “F” in theology for you, Pitt.]

Ronald Reagan, the first president of this third empire, was the avatar of these movement conservatives, who first began to become an organized entity in American politics during the campaign of Barry Goldwater. Reagan was their perfect man: Confident to a fault, dedicated to the enrichment of the wealthy corporate class while deconstructing Roosevelt’s social safety net by any means necessary.

[Whew! I was worried you would forget the obligatory leftist slam against Reagan, Pitt. Thanx for not failing us, Pitt. Oh, and I notice how you DUmmies love avatars. It rolls off the tongue so nicely.]

Reagan established the forked-tongue policy talk adopted by the present administration: Speak about the end of large government, gut entitlement programs wherever they can be found, while simultaneously cut against the grain of the ‘small government’ ideal by vastly increasing the military and intelligence apparatus of government with trillions of dollars of taxpayer monies.

[Meanwhile the impotent Soviet Empire folks were just sitting on their progressive butts playing tiddly-winks.]

This cash, as it did during the rise of the first and second empires, vastly increased the power and reach of the military/industrial/petroleum combine. The movement conservatives, funded by this combine, pushed for the deregulation by government of business in every aspect of commerce, none more pointedly than within the media. Over the course of this third empire, that combine has purchased 99% of the news media, ensuring that an uninterrupted commercial advocating for empire would be broadcast 24 hours a day, seven days a week, 365 days a year. Competing messages were all but shut out.

[Yeah, everyone knows that the conservative CBS news was anchored by that rightwing Dan Rather back then. Ah! The eighties. When folks were being brainwashed 24/7 by the military/industrial mouthpieces, NPR and PBS. Their rightwing propaganda was inescapable.]

When the Berlin Wall finally fell, when the Soviet empire finally imploded, the banner for this third American empire was unfurled for all to see. For the first time in history since the apex of Roman rule, one nation and one government and one military ruled supreme over the known world. The movement conservatives, having lost communism as the main target for their energies and ire, turned inward and laid siege to the tattered remains of the leftover establishment that lingered from the second empire.

[One day in 1989, the Berlin Wall just toppled over by its own weight. Ronald Reagan had absolutely NOTHING to do with it. Please repeat that leftist mantra, Pitt. Ronald Reagan had NOTHING to do with the fall of the Soviel Union even though Russians today give credit to Reagan for its fall.]

Much has been made of conservative ‘think tanks’ like the American Enterprise Institute and the Project for the New American Century, organizations made up of movement conservatives whose influence has reached far and wide within government during this third empire. One think tank, however, has worked in almost total secrecy since its establishment in 1981, at the outset of the third empire. It is this group, more than any other, which has shaped and defined the third empire as we know it. While many other groups have had influence, this one serves as an excellent standard for the main.

[FINALLY, after the long wait, we come to the REAL PURPOSE of Pied Piper Pitt’s bloviation. The previous paragraph was the drum roll build up to….]

The Council for National Policy does not advertise, but its presence is felt immediately in virtually every aspect of American life. It’s members include Senators, religious leaders and prominent crafters of policy. Among these are Pat Robertson, Bob Jones III, Jerry Falwell, Larry Klayman, Ralph Reed, Tom DeLay, Grover Norquist, and Paul Weyrich. Groups affiliated with CNP include the American Conservative Union, USA Radio Networks, Gun Owners of America, the Eagle Forum, and the Family Research Council.

[…CNP!!! Never heard of it before but if you say it is the power of the very core of the Third American Empire, then it must be so, Pitt. Unfortunately CNP just doesn’t roll off the tongue like PNAC. Pee-NAC definitely has a better sound. “P-NACing, Mr. Pinnell? P-NACing.”]

Today, many of these extremist groups have been accepted into mainstream political dialogue, thanks to the influence of the media portals purchased by the combine years ago. CNP is funded by, among others, Nelson Bunker Hunt of the Texas-based petroleum empire, the Coors family, and Pierre DuPont, whose family became rich by manufacturing gunpowder for the military during World War I.

[CNP---A registered Tinfoil Hat Conspiracy Theory by Pied Piper Pitt. Remember to give Pitt full credit whenever CNP is invoked in the future, DUmmies.]

In 1981, Woody Jenkins, a former Louisiana state lawmaker who served as CNP’s first executive director, told Newsweek, "One day before the end of this century, the Council will be so influential that no president, regardless of party or philosophy, will be able to ignore us or our concerns or shut us out of the highest levels of government." He was right.

[Beware the CNP Troopers storming the streets! Sorry, Pitt, CNP just isn’t catchy enough. Couldn’t you pull an evil rightwing organization name out of your magic hat that rolls off the tongue better, Pitt?]

CNP’s first president and co-founder is Chris LaHaye, author of the Christian fundamentalist/apocalyptic ‘Left Behind’ book series. He was followed by Tom Ellis in 1982, who served as the director of the Pioneer Fund, an organization that has worked hard to promulgate the idea that blacks are genetically inferior to whites. Subsequent leaders of CNP have pushed the overweening goal of the organization: To infiltrate government from top to bottom, and to establish the Christian Reconstructionist goal of leaving aside the Constitution in favor of Old Testament law.

[So, Pitt, where on the Web can I buy a CNP Tinfoil Hat? CafePress?]

The rise of George W. Bush, leader of the evangelical/political wing of American Christianity since 1996, to the office of the president has been the fulfillment of the dreams of movement conservatives and their representatives in the CNP. September 11 cemented their ascendancy. Now, permanent war and rule by fear are accepted without question. Now, the news media owned by the combine opens the public dialogue to these radicals while painting them as moderate, rational Americans. Now, the dominance of the military/industrial/petroleum combine is unquestioned. Now, the idea that America is engaged in a holy war has been widely disseminated.

[9-11 really had nothing to do with terrorism or Al-Qaeda. It was REALLY about cementing the power of CNP in Pied Piper Pitt’s world view. This makes about as much since as his Hockey Game Theory of Geopolitics.]

There are several cracks in the veneer, however, many of which began during the second empire. The weapons disbursed across the planet during the Cold War are now being pointed at us. Many of our former client states such as Iraq and Saudi Arabia, which served us so well during the Cold War, have now become profoundly debilitating problems that have exposed our vaunted national security system and military forces as less than adequate to the tasks of empire. The dollar is failing slowly but surely, and new power combines between nations like China, Russia and Iran threaten to destabilize American dominance. Oil, the true coin of this realm, is also becoming scarce. The extremism that always comes when one overwhelming force spreads its wings has passed the point of management, and has itself become both organized and well-funded.

[Actually oil is only becoming scarce in this country because of leftist restrictions on drilling. There rest of the world is awash in the stuff. But please return to your CNP shtick, Pitt, the real purpose of your overlong post.]

It seems all too clear that this third American empire is preparing to collapse under its own ponderous weight. The movement conservatives cannot contain the forces that have been unleashed against them. The American military is proving itself to be incapable of sustaining the unreasonable demands being placed upon it. The ghosts from the second empire loom large, in Europe and Africa and the Middle East and Central Asia, and the power of Jesus cannot hope to contain them. The American economy, sustained for sixty years by petroleum and war, stands at grave risk of being subsumed by both.

[Didn’t we just have democratic elections in Iraq? No matter. It is counter to Pitt’s doom and gloom screechings.]

There will be a fourth American empire. Like the previous three, its realities will exist far beyond platitudes and utopian desires. If the ultimate collapse of the third empire is as debilitating as it threatens to be, this fourth empire will be hard put to sustain itself any better than its predecessors. In the collapse of the third empire looms the ultimate threat: A breed of American fascism that will dwarf in both scope and brutality all previous breeds of harsh authoritarian rule.

[Yeah. Right now the fascist regimentation here is worse than what is going on in North Korea. I can just picture the Fourth Amerian Empire filled with goosestepping CNP troopers screaming “USA! USA! USA!” And worst of all those horrible fascists will be openly mocking good progressives like Pied Piper Pitt. Oh, the Horror! The Horror!]

Tomorrow’s history is being written today in blood. Empires always fall. Always.

[Do I have your permission, Pitt, to laminate that profound saying and place it into my wallet. Oh, and one other thing, Pitt. After reading your factually deprived hilarious bloviation with its tinfoil hat theories and bizarre speculations that make less than no sense, I just have to ask you this, Pitt: Are you a LOUSY FREEPER TROLL whose purpose is to make the DUmmies look even Dumber than they already are, if that is possible?]

I like where you are going with this....have sent it to a social historian for collaboration.

[You sent it to Professor Ward Churcill, DUmmie paineinthearse?]

Seems like an outline for a great book. The conclusion needs a bit of fleshing out imho. Are you saying that the third empire will collapse (and with our current hubris and escalating debt I fear it will), and that a fourth fascist theocracy will arise? It seems to me that we are at the tipping point of that transition and it is actually the end of the third empire. The question to me is that if we cannot stop this, how much of the world will we take with us?

[A great book? Start the presses at Pluto Publishing rolling! I can see the title now, “The Great CNP Conspiracy” (with Tinfoil Hat insert).]

Also, if/when the US does finally tank, its not going to be rising up as a dangerous fascist state anytime soon. Even if the government wants to be authoritarian, the resources simply will not be there -- we are rapidly moving towards a nation that is economically crippled, and therefore incapable of military shows of strength. Wars cost money. The US has the potential to fall shockingly hard and wind up like 1990's Russia.

[Do I detect a strong note of hope in your voice?]

Will. it reads like an outline for a book, in my opinion...The premise being so large that it is difficult to read, and write I presume, but it seems like each paragraph could be a chapter.

[Difficult to read? That’s the UNDERSTATEMENT of the year.]

The truth of the radical Right's power over the past 20-some years is that it has very little order, and that which it takes has alarmingly medieval origins. The Cold War was, to them, a last run at the Asian Menace of Huns and Mongols and Avars and Turks. The 'War on Terror' is just a last run at the problems that led to Tours And Poitiers and the Crusades. The 'War on Drugs' is another argument with hostile Indian tribes. And somewhere between all of that, there's some foggy ideal of England circa 1600 as a way to run the United States in perpetuity. It's the Middle Ages being given one last run. One last evasion of Modernity.

[It’s nice to know that Pied Piper Pitt isn’t the only one with expertise in slapdash non-history.]

Some of the syntax is pretty strained. The metaphors seemed forced in places. And the tone varies between would-be epic, straight historical, and mildly colloquial.

[You left out wildly overblown Tinfoil Hat conspiricist slapdash non-history with more than a strong touch of bloated self-importance.]

t started as an outline, staggered into becoming an essay, and collapsed under its own weight about six paragraphs before I finally put a bullet in its head. I wanted to get some feedback on the skeleton here, and yours is exactly what I'd hope for. I'm going to attack it again in the morning.

[Are you SURE you’re not a LOUSY FREEPER TROLL, Pitt? You post a hodepodge of conspiracy theories that make than no sense and then you ask the DUmmies to make complete fools of themselves by commenting on it seriously. Confess, Pitt, because your shtick in making the DUmmies into even more of the laughlingstocks than they already are.]

BTW: aren't we lucky to get first dibs on will's excellent articles, wooHoo!

[WOO! HOO! We have FIRST DIBS at Pitt’s nonsense. WOO! HOO!]

Hello from Germany to Mr. Pitt! I remember reading an interview with you in a (small) German daily just about a few month ago, that's how popular Mr. Pitt is around the globe!

[The German’s must LOVE, Pitt. See, by pronouncing the Third American Reich, oops, I mean Third American Empire, as the focus of EVIL in the world, it takes the heat off a certain Third Reich.]

There is not enough emphasis the blowback perspective of 9/11. September 11 as the inevitable consequence of 50 years of US foreign policy based on the principle that my enemy's enemy is my friend, that bred Saddam, OBL among other notorious characters. September 11 as part of the price the US had to pay to win the cold war.

[Send my regards to your professor, Ward Churchill.]

From a historic persepective, our times remind me of the rise of Nazi Germany behind the vaunted Panzer Army that struck terror in the hearts of Europeans until Zhukov turned back the tide on the outskirts of Moscow and Chuikov demolished the Sixth Army in Stalingrad.I do believe that our fall will come from an unexpected corner most likely from knowledgeable people with the least resources.

[Third American Empire = Third Reich. I GET IT! I GET IT!]

The forth empire is what you should funnel it into. I will buy your book because it will offer questions and not easy answers.The easy answers may be the downfall of humanity. The technology is here for us to use or have it use us.

[Will Pitt’s book include a CD-ROM insert for the color comix stories?]

DUmmie FUnnies 02-25-05 ("BREAKING: Kerry/Edwards File More Ohio Election Motions!!!")

William Rivers Pitt has pulled out his magic flute and is fooling the DUmmies once again with his election fraud tune. If this sounds like Déjà vu all over again, it is because Pied Piper Pitt has played this same tune many times before in order to puff himself up with his manufactured self-importance with yet another election “scoop” that means less than nothing. The only thing that makes this latest self-puffery slightly more amusing than the rest is that it is being played by Pied Piper Pitt over a month AFTER the inauguration. You can hear Pied Piper’s Pitt’s latest tune being played for your amusement on this DUmmie THREAD breathlessly titled, “BREAKING: Kerry/Edwards File More Ohio Election Motions!!!” So what’s all the hoopla really about? YAWN! Nothing more than some obscure legal motion where a couple of the minor league candidates filed a statement on something called a legal transfer and, OH YEAH, Kerry-Edwards (actually their lawyers) filed a document in support of that statement. If you want to pop some No-Doze and read it for yourself you can find it on Pied Piper Pitt’s appropriately named (because all the Truth is outta there) TRUTHOUT website. As usual the DUmmie rantings and Pied Piper Pitt’s flutings are in Bolshevik Red while the commentary of your humble correspondent, struggling to stay awake after being tranquilized by the obscure meaningless legal motions, is in the [brackets]:

BREAKING: Kerry/Edwards File More Ohio Election Motions. The documents have been posted.

[YAWN! Been there. Done that. The only thing even slightly amusing about your recycled act this time, Pied Piper Pitt, is the timing since this “revelation” comes over a month AFTER inauguration.]

Great news. Thanks. I'm going to check it out.

[And don’t forget to take a strong dose of No-Doze. This latest “revelation” by Pied Piper Pitt is like that famous description of Oakland---There’s no there there.]

Hmmm..what do you make of this Will? Seems too little too late, yet why would Kerry have not been pushing harder earlier?

[A little too late? Now why would you have that wild idea?]

john & john said every vote would be counted... on 11/3 & several times after that, so they are making good on their promise. doesn't it make your heart swell in pride that our man never quits, says what he'll do and then does what he says.

[SNIFF! I’ve got a lump in my throat. This obscure legal motion filed by nameless lawyers is going to CHANGE the future course of world events.]

Kerry has been awfully quiet lately. I was just thinking that.

[Don’t you get it? It’s all part of the PLAN. Two years before the election, Kerry PLANNED to lose the election and allow Bush to be inaugurated. Then over a month after the inauguration, it was PLANNED that some of his lawyers would file a minor legal motion in Ohio that would OVERTURN the election. De PLAN, boss, De PLAN!!!]

It was always going to come down to evidence. That is how he worked as a prosecutor to prevent going to court and losing. If he didn't have a preponderance of the evidence he wouldn't have his office prosecute cases needlessly. Whatever comes of this now will be for the good of the country, even though it may not work to Kerry's personal benefit. This is also why they held on to some of the campaign funds.

[Yeah, that 15 million buck campaign fund that wasn’t spent on the campaign was set aside specifically for the purpose of filing a meaningless obscure legal statement in support of someone else’s equally meaningless and obscure legal motion in Ohio.]

This may all work out in the end. Now Shrub's cabinet nominees all lied under oath. And if one card in this house of cards gets taken down by the courts, so go the rest. I really was quite disappointed with Kerry lately, but now I see perhaps he was proceeding cautiously all along. Though I promise not to get too hopeful yet...

[Not me! I’ve broken out the champagne and plan an all night victory party for Kerry. I BELIEEEEEVE!!!]

He has a pattern of sticking with something, for years if he has to. He's still on the BCCI case after all these years, as the people who lost money in that bank take it to court, blasting the Bank of England for not doing more to help those people. It may not be a fast-moving process, but I think we will see these little reports from time to time to let us know he's still on the case. Maybe something will eventually happen, maybe not. I understand your caution, but I can't help but think that they pissed off the wrong fellow. It will be the end of them yet.

[It may not be a fast moving process but the election results will DEFINITELY be overturned in the year 2525…..IF man is still alive.]

I'm PLEASED!! Let's keep the election fraud on the front burner!

[Everybody! KICK this thread. FORM ELECTION FRAUD COMMITTEES! SEND A LEGAL TEAM TO OHIO! INVESTIGATE ALL OBSCURE MEANINGLESS ELECTION DOCUMENTS! HURRY! HURRY! HURRY!]

THE DOCUMENTS HAVE BEEN POSTED

[Thank you, Pied Piper Pitt. I’ve seen them and I am struggling to stay awake.]

Will, about six weeks ago you said things would start brewing in six weeks.

[Six weeks is about the right time frame for Pied Piper Pitt to recycle his old comedy routines. He knows the DUmmies have very short memory spans.]

Thanks Will! This is great news. I was hoping my esteemed junior Senator would keep at it. I'm glad he hasn't given up, even though it will not benefit him personally. (And will be seen as too little too late by many folks, alas.)

[Too little, too late? Where did you get such a crazy idea? These obscure legal motions in Ohio means that we are at the DAWNING OF THE AGE OF AQUARIUS!!!]

And what's the status of the Alliance For Democracy? I know they are getting screwed by a countersuit, but are we to believe they're done? I feel bad for Cliff and all of them, but I wonder if they're still planning to file another suit somewhere. I remember when they withdrew Moss V Bush they promised they were going to continue to collect evidence and file again somewhere else.

[Unfortunately that case gathered too much Moss.]

This is great news. I KNEW that they would keep fighting. They are both OUTSTANDING attorneys.

[May I interest you in the purchase of a certain bridge in Brooklyn?]

I'm telling you, Bushco are NOT going to serve out their term. About 4 major psychics have said so. One in particular, I remember, said that by 2006, Bush would have NO connection with Power.

[FOUR MAJOR PSYCHICS have said this? Well, you just CAN’T argue with that type of expertise.]

I still contend it IS Kerry's destiny to be President (and NOT as late as 2008). How we'll ever get this through the Repug-controlled court system will be a major miracle in itself, but....forever the optimist...fingers crossed!

[I BELIEEEEEEVE!!!]

YoooWhoooo! Thanks Will. Come on Howard fight for the truth!! TALK TO THE HOUSE JUDICIARY DEMS, THEY ARE A CLEARINGHOUSE FOR FRAUD EVIDENCE! Please don't do this to "stifle the left", we've put our time, money, heart and soul into this investigation. We need a leader to take this forward!!!! Great news! Fight on DEMS!

[CREATE YOUR OWN VIRTUAL REALITY!!!]

This spark should keep the fire going. Now let's keep fanning the fire.

[ENTER THE ALTERNATE UNIVERSE!!!]

Edwards would not be still digging if he didn't think he had a case! Thanks Will. I do not believe knowing lawyers, and Edwards winning background they'd be doing this "still" less they had something.

[CHANT THE “ELECTION FRAUD” MANTRA!!!]

don't forget that John Kerry is a lawyer, too. He was a prosecutor and tried 7,000+ cases and won them all as Asst. D.A. If anyone can bring this fraud to light, it's these two sharp guys and their team!

[CONSULT MOTHER GOOSE FOR OUR OWN ALTERNATE REALITY!!!]

I can't f'ing believe it! This is GREAT!!!!

[SHOOT OFF THE VICTORY FIREWORKS!!!]

There has been WAY ample time for the crooks to compromise the programming of the previously compromised central tabulators and voting machines. And just think of all the paper ballots that have surely been "audited" by republican activist thugs. I am VERY glad that the 2-Johns are in on this, but it seems to me the forensic evidence is getting away, or has already gotten away. I'm also curious as to what's still happening in all of the other states that bush stole with his slimey army of thugs.

[KILLJOY! And for splashing cold water on our very solid hopes, you will NOT be invited to Kerry’s Alternate Reality Inauguration party.]

Well, I'll be damned! YIPPEE!!! Thanks for the lift...

[Don’t forget to copy and paste that statement into Notepad so you can use it again and again and again for the many other times that Pied Piper Pitt posts the VERY LATEST “scoops” about obscure Ohio legal motions being filed.]

DUmmie FUnnies 02-24-05 ("Clueless about women, part deux")

Ladies and gentleman, presenting the silver-tongued prince of Dummieland, the one and only----steve2470! Yes, he is back with his dating tales of woe and is here to entertain us with Chapter 2 of his comedy book, “Dating for DUmmies” in this DUmmie THREAD titled, “Clueless about women, part deux.” I understand that some of you think it is a bit cruel to feature steve2470’s dating non-adventures but nobody is forcing this DUmmie to post his tales of dating woe on the Web. Not only that, steve2470 has already promised to publicly post the “dirty details” of his second date if it ever comes to fruition. So please, no lectures about cruelty. The COMEDY of this situation overwhelms those “cruelty” qualms. The DUmmie dating comedy routine is in Bolshevik Red while the commentary of your humble correspondent, laughing from his front row seat, is in the [brackets]:

Ok, at the risk of becoming freeper-fodder again, here goes. Got the 2nd date. It hasn't been scheduled yet, but probably next weekend due to kids and work schedules. So far, so good.

[Don’t complain about being freeper fodder again. You got the Funniest shtick going on the Web. Your dating material is comedy GOLD. Anyway, you led off with that HILARIOUS line about getting your second date. Then quickly segued into how it hasn’t even been scheduled yet and then leave us laughing in the aisles that it “probably” might happen next weekend. Yeah, that second date is a SURE thing…..or maybe not.]

The problem now: feeling intimidated and insecure. Why?

[Turning yourself into the laughingstock of the Web might have a little to do with it, steve2470.]

Logically, I should feel ok about myself and not be intimidated or insecure. Whoever said logic ran the human mind ? She's drop-dead gorgeous and can get anyone she wants, including rich guys.

[Including a certain Freeper with a probable lucrative book contract that hasn’t been scheduled yet?]

So why in the hell should she want to spend time with me, who is non-rich, non-macho, a bit on the quiet and shy side ?

[You left out nerdy and unwashed.]

Do the drop-dead gorgeous females usually get past that money and success and power thing ? This is just my perception from past experience. Your input please, ladies. Thank you in advance for your time.

[Some do get past that money and success and power thing but have a bit of trouble accepting the fact that you brownbag it to your date on a bicycle wearing old hip-hop shorts.]

Women LIKE quiet and shy. Men are all screwed up about that. No self-respecting woman loves money/power/success more than a man who pays attention to her and listens to her. I guarantee you you're thinking more about money than she is.

[Women think quiet and shy guys are NERDS. Didn’t you watch the flick Picnic? William Holden got into Kim Novak’s pants by being gregarious and funny. That nerdy Nick Adams character on a bicycle was more steve2470’s style.]

She obviously sees something there--don't try to talk yourself out of your good fortune!

[And quit staring at her hooters while drooling down your shirt.]

tis good to know this. perhaps i've been around the wrong crowd, probably all repukes lol

[Most likely that woman in the second date you won’t be getting is a “repuke.” After the DUFU book is published, I plan to find her and take her out to a steakhouse. Later that evening in my hotel suite, we will look at this chapter of the DUmmie FUnnies and LAUGH at your foibles.]

all the rich macho ultra-extroverts care about is how she looks good on their arm. You on the other hand will likely listen to what she says, care about what she thinks, worry about how she feels, and hopefully make her laugh.

[I don't care about expensive things
Cashmere coats, diamond rings
Don't mean a thing
All I care bout is love!]

She's probably just looking for a nice guy. There are more important things than money and power - and maybe she's dated enough jerks to realize that. So relax and be yourself.

[I don't care for wearin' silk cravats
Ruby studs, satin spats
Don't mean a thing
All I care bout is love!]

oh yeah, a little more info: she's 45, has two young kids, the father of the kids was abusive to them and is now barred from seeing them, and she's been married 3 times, as I have. I'm sure she's had 1000's of men interested and hundreds of dates. She's also in my same business.

[Gimme two eyes of blue
Softly saying "I need you"
Let me see her standin' there
And honest mister, I'm a millionaire!]


A friend of mine is a former supermodel her boyfriend of the past ten years is unattractive and makes about 1/5 what my friend does (and he's not a terribly interesting guy, imho), but she loves him anyway. True attraction-and love-is blind.

[I don't care for any fine attire
Vanderbuilt might admire
No, no, not me
All I care about is love...]

Relax, Steve! She is probably happy to have found somebody who she can talk to who doesn't immediately try to take her panties off. Honestly, some men act like creeps and think they are cool, and she's surprised to find a guy who's not an asshole. She wouldn't go on a second date if she thought you were a jerk. Your best bet is to be yourself, because she obviously likes you as yourself. If she was attracted to the shallow macho blusterers, she wouldn't be dating you. Her life has probably been filled with rich, good-looking OBNOXIOUSLY SELF-INVOLVED guys, and she's tired of them. So, good heavens, go out and enjoy some time with the nice lady!

[Show me long raven hair
Flowin' down, about to there
And when I see her runnin' free
Keep your money, that's enough for me!]

My biggest problem with her is I'm not great at small talk. When's there's those pregnant pauses, I'm going eeek inside. OMG, she thinks I'm boring. Talk about negative self-talk.

[It may sound odd
But all I care about is love
Honest to god
All I care about is love!]

Comfortable silence....not pregnant pauses, LOL. It's impossible to talk every single second and sometimes it can be rough, all that quiet (just had that tonight at a meeting) especially if you're just getting to know each other... but try thinking of it as a comfortable silence.

[Maybe steve2470 could lighten up the deadly dull mood by lecturing her about Republicans stealing the election or how Karl Rove planted the forged Texas Air National Guard documents.]

You could always fall back on talking about her kids. Most moms like to talk about her kids. If you feel comfy enough to do it, you could ask about them.

[“Why did your kids stick their fingers down their throats and make gagging sounds when they saw me?”]

Shyness is fine. I can do shyness without a problem... most people are patient with a shy person since they tend to often be a really great "diamond in the rough," so to speak.

[Asking your date to rub skin cream on you when you break out in nervous hives is sure to be a great mood setter.]

I just don't have a degree in small talk lol , once the ice is broken, i'm fine. It's just the insecurity that I WILL overcome.

[Talk to her about laundry lint and static cling. Those topics are sure to put her in a romantic mood.]

It's nerve-wracking for even the most social of us ....I empathize with you... as does my husband, who is presently nodding his head in agreement

[Downing a $200 bottle of Brandy usually gets you over the nerve-wracking hump.]

it's a weird thing, the ones that come like gangbusters are all annoying and creepy to me. i have had so many jerks bother me over the years,and a lot are worse than fools-- men who get angry and bark and what not because you refuse to have a drink with them. you get the feeling that they act up all the time, yeah, it's nice to talk to a normal quiet guy. charming okay, but blowhards, no.

[I would get angry and bark because a DUmmie like you comes near me when I am trying to enjoy a quiet drink.]

Rarely is there a happy medium of a man who can nicely assert himself. It seem to be either creeps who step over the line into the sexual harrassment zone or the guy who's so shy, I have to practically hit him over the head to say, "YES, I REALLY LIKE YOU!" before he gets it.

[I think he gets it at the part when you pull down his zipper.]

My love life history is freaky. And makes me sad.

[Methinks that your love life history is also SCARY, DUmmie SarahBelle.]

Have a few drinks beforehand! Just make sure you throw her the keys and cordially explain why you aren't driving.

[No problem. Steve2470 didn’t drive her on the first date. Remember, she drove herself home after telling him that obviously phony “cold sore” story.]

just don't be all anxious or needy, okay?

[Be subtle. At the end of you date, get down on both knees and beg, “PUH-LEAAAAAASE!!!”]

we have known each other, more off than on, for 15 years. We are in the same business in a small circle locally. She definitely feels very safe and comfortable with me. She has told me things in one date and conversations on the phone that 1) she would never tell most people and 2)if she did, she would have to get to know them pretty well.

[She told you that she is a She-Male?]

Right now I'd gush all over her and embarass the shit out of myself lol

[Please limit yourself to just drooling all over her.]

I don't know about "drop dead gorgeous", but I'm a fairly decent looking woman (one might say somewhat "built") who probably looks even younger than my age. However, I have lived a lot of life and have a lot of life experiences for someone my age. I could probably be arm candy to some rich dude, but that's not who I am. I want someone on the same wavelength as me.

[Let me guess: You’re the crying chick holding the sign in the famous photo about the “stolen election” and the guy who is on the same wavelength as you is the weird dude sitting on the curb holding another dopey sign.]

I would not dare to call myself gorgeous, but I will tell you that I have never been drawn to the typical definition of an attractive man. Tom Cruise, Brad Pitt, etc--boring.

[Don’t worry about Tom Cruise. He didn’t even put the make on his own hot wife, Mimi Rogers. He told her that he needed to keep his “tool pure.”]

I'm hotter than hell (I've had enough alcohol ealier in the evening that I can actually be honest about that...usually I'm entirely too self-effacing) -- and I actually PREFER the shy ones.

[A hotter than hell DUmmie chick? You definitely have been drinking more than enough alcohol, DUmmie Technowitch.]

DUmmie FUnnies 02-23-05 ("I make no bones about showing my disgust toward repukes")

We have yet more evidence of sabotage by Leftwing bookstore clerks in this DUmmie THREAD titled, “I make no bones about showing my disgust toward repukes.” Of course, we have heard of MANY incidents in the past where DUmmie type bookstore clerks sabotaged conservative books (such as those written by Rush Limbaugh) by either hiding them or turning their covers around. This DUmmie thread just shows how their absolute hate of conservatives causes these bookstore clerks to act in such an UNPROFESSIONAL manner. In fact, this DUmmie poster should be FIRED by his bookstore if he can ever be identified. I can just imagine the DUmmie bookstore clerks’ reactions when the DUmmie FUnnies book is published (with CD-ROM insert for the color comix). Their rage at being mocked will cause them to attempt all sorts of sabotage of the DUmmie FUnnies book. One GREAT benefit of buying a DUmmie FUnnies book is to see the look of absolute disgust and hate on the faces of the DUmmie bookstore clerks as they ring up the sale. My suggestion is to identify such clerks in advance so you know who to take the DUmmie FUnnies book to to ring it up. All we need now for this to happen is a call to me from Jeff Kleinman of the Graybill and English Literary Agency. All it takes is that one call and in the very near future you will see DUmmie bookstore clerks around the country experiencing the LIVING HELL of having to ring up the massive DUmmie FUnnies book sales. The DUmmie bookstore clerk rantings are in Bolshevik Red and the commentary of your humble correspondent, looking for a DUmmie bookstore clerk to ring up his DUmmie FUnnies book sale, is in the [brackets]:

I make no bones about showing my disgust toward repukes. So today at work, I start ringing up a herd of loud, obnoxious repukes (you can smell em a mile away.) They got stacks of kids books (no Sponge Bobs) and I handle those like any normal person would. Then I come to their stack of Bill O'Reilly books, Hannity books and a book about George Bush and each one I hold between my first finger and thumb, like they have poo poo all over them. The look on their mugs was priceless. They couldn't say anything, because I didn't say a word, but they got the message loud and clear. Then, I went into the kids section and placed Sponge Bob books in the kids bible section. Was I bad?

[More importantly, were you FIRED, DUmmie graywarrior?]

Everytime we go to a bookstore, I spend most of my time putting Michael Moore's and Al Franken's books on top of the repuke books. Sometimes I switch the dust jackets as well. I'm sorry that you have to clean that up.

[Sabotage not only by DUmmie bookstore clerks but by DUmmie bookstore customers as well.]

I am usually the one grabbing the O'Reilly book and saying (just loud enough for the person next to me who is looking at it) "What a piece of shit. And he wants to talk to my child about morals?" and then I walk away.

[I can’t wait to hear your GROANING when you see the DUmmie FUnnies book (with CD-ROM insert) in bookstores.]

I do that too! I'm an extra-large, extra-loud guy. No one ever confronts me, my wife sometimes gets embarassed though.

[Thank you for that self-description of yourself as a JERK.]

I have only had one man start to argue with me. I then announced "You're reading "The Touch That Pleases Best" and The Best of Stud Muffins In (fill in year) too? Aren't those great books! (all must be said in a very loud voice). They usually run away afterward.

[You need to run away to escape the beating you will be receiving.]

I just have fun with them. I may be short, but damn I have a mouth! F*ck 'em if they can't take a joke.

[Isn’t hard to laugh with those missing teeth?]

I did that with Anne Coulter's last book at the Salt Lake Airport. I switched the covers with Hillary's book. I did about ten of them right out in the open and didn't get caught.

[Thus causing the sales of Hillary books to skyrocket to a grand total of 10 in Salt Lake City. A record.]

That's one of the switches I made ! I would love to see the looks on the repuke faces when they sit down for a night of reading hate filled crap, only to find some,"hippy, commie" book instead !

[Note to everybody out there: When the DUmmie FUnnies book (with CD-ROM insert for the color comix) appears on the book shelves, PLEASE check the inside in case the DUmmies try to sabotage it with their cover change routine.]

What about the people expecting to read HC´s book then?

[Not a problem. NOBODY is buying Hillary’s Lying History book. I’m NOT kidding. Hillary’s book was supposed to be the BEST SELLING non-fiction book of all time and yet how many times have you actually seen people reading it? Even more telling is a visit to any flea market. You will see tons of Stephen King or Tom Clancy books being sold there but NO Hillary books. WHY? Because there are virtually NO Hillary books in circulation that can be resold at flea markets. Almost all the Hillary books are sitting in warehouses where the labor unions and other organizations, wishing to make unofficial contributions to Hillary via buying her books, have stored them.]

I wouldn't shop there again. If I went to a store, and the people at the store did that to me, I would never shop there again. Simple as that. Doesn't matter that you didn't say anything. If you walked into a store and were buying a liberal book and the salesperson did that to you would you like it? Would you shop there again? I'm guessing that you wouldn't like it and that you would voice your opinion by not shopping at that store anymore. Plus, you would come on a message board like this and start a thread about how horrible repukes are and how bad you were treated by them.

[LOUSY FREEPER TROLL!!!]

Switching covers is most excellent. My boss sticks her finger down her throat in gag fashion when we encounter repuke books. I cannot hide my distain when some morAn purchases a Bush, O'Reilly or Hannity book. I'm equally dismayed when Barbara Bush books are purchased. What can she possibly have to write about besides abusing Boy George for 57 years. We carry lots of Lehane books too. I get creeped out by people who buy those. My normal chatty mood screeches to a sudden halt when those things end up on the counter. I like the sci-fi freaks. They're so intense and serious. We placed sci-fi books next to christian fiction...seemed appropriate.

[DUmmie bookstore clerk, graywarrior, clarifying his high professionalism.]

Anyone who takes this thread seriously is a tightass

[DUmmie graywarrior now desperately backtracking as he realizes he could be FIRED for his unprofessional manner. Too late, DUmmie graywarrior. You were the one who made the original post on this thread and you were COMPLETELY SERIOUS.]

DUmmie FUnnies 02-22-05 ("America - Greatest Country in the World?")

The big mantra among the Leftists is that despite their criticism of American, they really do like this country. A quick perusal of this DUmmie THREAD gives lie to that assertion. The plain fact is that DUmmies DISDAIN America in a big way as you shall see here. As usual, the anti-American DUmmie blasts are in Bolshevik Red while the commentary of your humble correspondent is in the [brackets]:

America - Greatest Country in the World? One thing I am mystified about quite often is the claim that America is the "best" country in the world. But how can a country that has so many problems claim to be the greatest?

[Do you think folks in North Korea wouldn’t love to trade problems with us? Same goes for just about every other country. But continue with your anti-American rant.]

Something I hear quite often, from Republicans, is that the US has the most freedom out of any country. But there are other countries where you are free to do things that are scorned in America, like Canada and the Netherlands.

[You like those countries so much then GO THERE. Just don’t come back.]

Also, the so-called greatest country is doing more damage to the world than any other. For one, you are creating more terrorists than eliminating them, and then there is the fact that the US is the world's greatest polluter.

[Continue your litany of hate for America.]

And then there is the people. I don't mean to criticize the people HERE, but specifically the people that are not aware of Bush's evil deeds. In my country, I believe 70+ percent of us would of voted for Kerry - and this would be the case in other countries too. But America is one of the few countries in the world where Bush would've won. I believe if America had a better education system, this would help have a more...intelligent populace, shall we say?

[And I bet the DUmmies would like to re-educate Americans to vote DUmmiecrat in future elections.]

Anyway, do you people here believe America is the greatest country in the world?

[Don’t expect much of anything in the away of an affirmative response in DUmmieland.]

No. And the BFEE is ensuring that we won't have anything to be proud of for decades.

[Don’t forget about the BFEE dumping arsenic in the well water.]

Honestly, Canada to me seems as close to ideal as any country right now.

[So head north and DON’T come back.]

Not by denying people civil rights for marriage. Not denying people the right to vote. Not by stealing elections. Not by lying about war. Not by using and abusing the military. Not by brainwashing. There's just too much now going on that makes us not the best country. Sure, there's a lot that I'm grateful for being here. I think if any country should claim the greatest country award it's Canada.

[So go to Canada and have a wonderful gay wedding.]

This isn't 1890....people aren't travelling across oceans to get here. I think you are kidding yourself if you think there are alot of people who dream of coming to America. Maybe in the 1800s when many of the European countries were poor, but not anymore. The only people who come to the United States are immigrants from Mexico/Central America who are looking for a job. They only go to to the US as a last resort. They can't afford a plane ticket anywhere else, so they have to travel by land and America just happens to one of the easiest developed countries to get to via land.

[All those illegal aliens really want to move to North Korea but since the airfare is too expensive they sneak in here as a lousy second choice.]

America is one of the worst countries in the world.

[If it’s so terrible why aren’t you LEAVING?]

We've got a World Series that only we play in...

[Discrimination!]

In this country people live into their 80s, 90s and even their 100s. Our military is the most powerful in the world and as far as I can tell I have the freedom to say and do whatever I want.

[LOUSY FREEPER TROLL!!!]

I've shied away from calling myself an American the last two years or so. I'm too ashamed of the label. Now, I just call myself a New Yorker. I used to think only our corporate elites were vile, but recently I've begun wondering about our people, too. Some rightwing lurkers here might read a post like mine and have their blood boil, but they are pretty angry and hateful about life in general, anyway, and I really don't care what they think, regardless.

[On the plus side you’ve been featured in the Dummie FUnnies as a typical anti-American DUmmie.]

In fact, the New Amerika doesn't even technically belong to the Free World, that's how far we've fallen.

[Thus spaketh Dummie tom_paine. And I wonder if this is the son of Bill Moyers who runs the Tom Paine website.]

DUmmie FUnnies 02-22-05 ("Twisted yellow ribbon magnets on cars means...")

Apparently the way to ruin a DUmmies day is for him to see one of those yellow magnetic ribbons supporting our troops on cars. You can see the DUmmie outrage over this at this DUmmie THREAD titled, “Twisted yellow ribbon magnets on cars means...‘I support the Republican/Bu$h/NeoCON agenda and all you anti-war, liberal, commie motherf*ckers can rot in hell. Praise the lord.’” As usual, DUmmie Road Rage over those magnetic ribbons is in Bolshevik Red while the commentary of your humble correspondent is in the [brackets]:

Twisted yellow ribbon magnets on cars means..."I support the Republican/Bu$h/NeoCON agenda and all you anti-war, liberal, commie motherf*ckers can rot in hell. Praise the lord."

[Actually it means, “I support the Troops and all you angry DUmmies can stew in your own bile in Dummieland.”]

the wingnuts have developed a unique "fetish" for them. However, many of us also know what it's "supposed" to stand for. I can see the confusion, with Tony Orlando wrapping one around an oak tree or something. Isn't he a repug?

[He could be a “repug” or, even worse, a Freeper.]

A friend stole one and put it on my car. He put it right above the "When Clinton lied, nobody died" sticker, and next to my Veteran for Kerry Sticker.

[I would have loved to have seen the expression on your face when you saw that ribbon on your car.]

In my neck of the woods (45min outside Phila), those magnets are overwhelmingly on SUVs and redneck v8 trucks. Now, how are you supporting the troops when you're funding terrorism by sucking up petroleum?

[The Iraqi oil fields NO LONGER belong to the terrorists. That’s how.]

There are the yellow ones and then there are the red, white, and blue ones. My guess is, at least around here (NY), the yellow means support our troops and BRING THEM HOME. The red, white and blue are the * supporters.

[The red, white, and blue ones are like the yellow ones on steroids.]

i got so sick of seeing them with the little fishys on the cars

[A lethal combo to your mental health.]

Would it get me off the hook a bit if I explain that I live in San Diego county and all I see these ribbons on are god awful SUV's and construction trucks full of rednecks?

[Full of rednecks working hard for a living. Completely at odds with the typical basement dwelling DUmmie.]

I Just Got Back From A Visit To San Diego How F*cking Depressing. The weather was gorgeous but that was the ONLY thing besides my children that I enjoyed. What a zombie town full of Rednecks and Stepfords. I was f*cking shocked I grew up in PB went to San Diego state and lived in Del Mar for years....WTF happened? Don't answer I know what happened......MONEY and GENTRIFICATION. It is a ruined city IMHO. And I know exactly what you mean about those asinine ribbons. BLEEECH!

[Amazing! Somebody’s trip is ruined by a few metallic stickers. Of course, we are talking about a DUmmie here so the scenario is entirely plausible.]

My car's got plenty of stuff in the back window: "Religious fundamentalism: a threat abroad; a threat at home" and "Your kid is next" with Bush giving a knowing look, and "Why do conservatives hate so many Americans?" and "Flag, schmag! I (heart) the Constitution!" and a great one that's a takeoff on a popular redneck theme: Calvin pissing on a Bush campaign logo. But I am not one who finds identity through my choice of vehicle; I've got an old junker so folks can key away.

[Once in awhile I see cars with similar stickers and I always have to get a look at the drivers to see just what losers they are. Usually they look very angry and completely disheveled. It’s the DUmmie look.]

DUmmie FUnnies 02-21-05 ("Clueless about women, please help me out")

I’ve always figured that most DUmmies were socially awkward rejects and this DUmmie THREAD titled, “Clueless about women, please help me out,” only confirms that view. What is truly frightening is that the way DUmmie steve2470 describes himself, it sounds like he is well over 30 years old. UNBELIEVABLE! This isn’t even some gawky 15 year old kid. It is a DUmmie in his 30s who still hasn’t got a clue how to act around women because he just went on his FIRST DATE. Just this description alone is making me laugh. So let us read on about the Socially Awkward DUmmie and the dating advice he received. As usual the socially maladjusted DUmmie comments are in Bolshevik Red and the commentary of your humble correspondent, thinking that DUmmie steve2470 would make an HILARIOUS guest on Jerry Springer, is in the [brackets]:

hi ladies,

I had a first date Friday night with a very beautiful and nice lady who I have known off and on for 15 years. I thought we had a very nice time. We went to a very chic restaurant in my town that is somewhat romantic and had a nice dinner. The conversation and dinner went on for about 3 hours. I left it up to her to let me know when she had to leave, since I was flexible. At about 10:15 PM, she said she needed to get home to her babysitter for her 4 and 5 year old sons. The babysitter was a first time person, a rookie with her kids.

[Get a clue, DUmmie steve2470. This woman is giving you the BRUSHOFF. Most likely she just wanted a freebie meal and since you are so socially awkward she gave you a mercy date. And speaking of rookies, did you ever….uh, never mind.]

When I escorted her out to the valet parking area, we chatted for a few minutes until her car came up. She then hugged me (with no prompting from me) and told me she would kiss me except she had a cold sore on her mouth. As she was walking to her car, I told her that I would call her and she said "I'd like that" or words to that effect. Bear in mind, this lady is pretty assertive and perfectly capable of telling me politely that this was the last date and that we could be friends.

I think I have a second date coming. Am I way off base ?

[ABSOLUTELY! Since you are a rookie with women I need to inform you that this story shows all the classic signs that you got shot down. Oh, and she found you so repugnant that she made up that cold sore story so you would feel happy about not catching herpes.]

sounds to me like you do unless she is into playing mind games.

[Believe me. She was playing mind games. She had to. This woman was probably too polite to tell DUmmie steve2470 that he absolutely REVOLTED her. Hey, when you are in your 30s and haven’t had a date yet, you KNOW there HAS to be something WRONG with this dude.]

call her!! How many days has it been (not that it matters)? But seriously, just call and ask her out again! We women HATE waiting...

[So why don’t YOU call Dummie steve 2470 and go out with him? Yeah, he will revolt you too but since you are both revolting DUmmies the mutual revulsion could cancel each other out.]

I called her tonight and left a very nice message...

["Need sex NOW!!! PUHLEEEEAASE!!!"]

I didn't want to appear overeager, so I didn't call yesterday. She has to call me back now.

[Keep waiting. She is bound to call you by the end of the third decade of this century.]

I hope she calls back- it sounds like you had a fun time!

[I think the date began to go downhill the moment DUmmie steve 2470 asked his date if foreplay comes before or after sex.]

thank you so much....you folks are wonderful....I just can't stand not knowing LOL Oh well, life goes on..

[If life goes on, then you might consider removing your face from the outside of your ex-date’s bedroom window.]

You didn't ask for that second date via the machine did you?

[Maybe their answering machines could date each other.]

nooooooooooo............Just reiterated that I had a great time...and just asked her to call me back, that was it.

[I can almost sympathize with DUmmie steve2470, only in my case I am waiting for Jeff Kleinman of the Graybill and English Literacy Agency to call me up. Good luck DUmmie steve2470 but I think I’ll hear from Jeff Kleinman LONG before you ever get a callback from your ex-date.]

Today made 48 hours. 24 seemed too fast to me

[Give it another 48 million hours.]

Sounds like a good sign to me.

[Some woman gets out of kissing DUmmie steve2470 by giving him a bogus story about a cold sore and then doesn’t return his phone call. Yeah, a great sign. I once had a woman flat out slam a door in my face and I consider even that to be a more hopeful sign.]

I think you are in store for a 2nd date. Do you have any ideas on what to do for a 2nd date? Did she give you any clues as to what she likes to do?

[DUmmie steve2470 wants to hold a vigil in the snow outside John Kerry’s townhouse. His ex-date just want to avoid him.]

art museums and parks are good places. Places to walk and talk...plus if you get hungry or want coffee, you can easily modify plans.

[True story: I went out with a woman that drank way too much in a very annoying way (polite way of saying sloppy drunk). So I called my friend, Pete Demeo, who NEVER drinks and told him I had a hot date for him, RIGHT NOW. He came over and took the drunken woman off my hands. Next day I asked Pete what happened. He disgustedly told me that she asked him to buy her a case of beer. Then they went late at night near an airport where she climbed up a tree and Pete had to spend the entire night handing beer cans up to her as she tossed down one empty beer can after another. I won’t tell you what she also tossed down in liquid form to spare you the gruesome details. Oh, sorry for the brief digression… Let us now return to the romantic neophyte, Dummie steve2470.]

good ideas ! I will consider those and sound her out

[And keep in mind about modifying your plans so get a list of all the cheap motels in the area. However, with your track record, I think you will do no better than shacking up with a blowup doll.]

looks to me like you get a second date!!!

[I BELIEVE!!! And John Kerry WILL be inaugurated on Jan. 20.]

thanks Barb ! I'll censor it to be PG-13 LOL no, I'm sure it will be PG-13 because I really really like her and am not at all into the sexual thing at this moment.

[Let me guess. Paris Hilton is NOT currently in your Little Black Book.]

anyone who spends their precious time on me deserves a good summary, and that includes you

[Do what most guys do who DON’T score on their dates---LIE LIKE HELL.]

just keep a twinkle in your eye and keep feeling good about yourself ( and then just remember, DETAILS, lots of 'em)

[This advice from DUmmie barb162. Meanwhile the few guys who are deluded into dating her describe their dates thusly: “BAAAAAARRRFFFFF!!!”]

thanks ! Details no problem, I'm just trying not to be insecure or intimidated by her beauty. She is.... well...you know. She must like me because she can have her pick of men.

[SHEESH! You have just gone on your first date where you got shot down and already you are acting like Mr. Lothario about giving us the dirty details of your second date which won’t be happening.]

well yes, she must. She wouldn't have spent that long with you if she didn't like you; she would have found a way to cut it short. I know what you mean about people who are really physically attractive...it is hard not to just keep staring at them

[Do you have some problem with your reading skills? Didn’t you read what DUmmie steve2470 wrote about his first date? She DID cut it short with that phony story about the cold sore. However, I know what you mean about very physically attractive chicks like Petra Verkaik. I would have a hard time to keep from staring at “them.”]

yeah I really had to watch my eyes on the date LOL I was nervous enough as it was. You folks are wonderful for this feedback. I've been thinking about her all weekend and a bit worried, as well.

[Congratulations on successfully averting your eyes. However, you might want to try working on not constantly grabbing your Pocket Rocket while out on a date.]

give her another call soon whether she calls you back or not. Things happen with a mom of young kids, like kids erase messages all the time.

[Or the mother erasing the memory of the date from her mind.]

yes good idea. I'm pretty sure she will call back soon, probably tomorrow some time. I went out on a limb and gave her my office phone number as well. So, we'll see. The only thing that made me really unsure about the date is that we got into the spirituality discussion. She is a bit more "Christian" than I am, but there were no arguments or harsh words or anything. I reassured her that she was ok with me.

[Seeing as how you are a worshipper of Satan, even an agnostic would be a bit more “Christian” than you. Don’t worry, however, it isn’t religious differences keeping you apart. It’s more like a matter that you haven’t bathed since Election Day.]


You'll be fine....she'll probably try to convert you

[I once considered going out with a Jehovah’s Witness chick but somehow being cursed out in the early weekend AM while knocking on strangers' doors’ isn’t exactly my idea of a fun date.]

LOL well....maybe. I was pretty clear, in a pleasant way, about who I am. I think she's too smart to try the conversion thing. Hell, at this point, I'm just worried about the 2nd date LOL We have so much in common. We'd be a great couple, as long as religion, etc. didn't get in the way.

[If you can get over your body odor problem I can see marriage on the horizon.]

Have a great second date!

[May it be as disastrous as the first date!]

thank you so much, she is (at this point) the woman of my dreams: very intelligent, well educated, nice, good morals, in my profession, a Farrah Fawcett look a like....I could ramble on..

[Farrah Fawcett looks pre or post Ryan O’Neal?]

this gives me hope. I haven't had a second date for over 8 years.

[Maybe because you haven’t had a first date for over 12 years.]

Alright, I'm a guy and quite clueless about women myself, but I have to say: if I had a date that went as well as the one you had sounds like it went I don't think I'd be feeling uncertainty at all!

[If I had a dating experience like the one DUmmie steve2470 had, I would definitely consider saying, “Goodbye, cruel world!”]

thanks ! I have this tendency to think women are just being nice to me because they don't want to hurt my feelings... Maybe I need to lose that tendency.

[At the same time you acquire at least minimal social skills. Oh yeah, and don’t forget to try bathing.]

I think that you might have a second date. I am a single mother. You get worried about your kids, even when you are enjoying yourself.
Besides, if she didn't enjoy herself she would have pulled the "I have to use the restroom" stunt.
Go to the restroom, message your standby girlfriend, go back to the table. In five minutes she calls you, pretends to be the babysitter, and says the kids are sick. She didn't do that. I think that you are safe.

[Instead she used the old “I have a cold sore on my lip” stunt.]

call her! sounds like you have a second date.

[Yeah. She hasn’t replied to DUmmie Steve 2470’s phone message so that MUST be grounds for optimism.]


CALL HER.... And arrange that second date. She wants you to be the Man, and to treat her as though you're interested... then BE interested. Us women who are always in control, running the show, doing it ALL sometimes want a man to be a man, and to take control, to take charge, to set the time, make the arrangements. We like trusting a man enough to do that.

[Break her door down and DEMAND that second date. Show her that even though you are clueless about women that you are taking control! Oh, and you might consider having a Reality Show hidden camera taping all this. It could be the comedy hit of the TV season.]