Saturday, November 25, 2006

Katie Couric Interviews Mark Foley's Priest

This is the latest in my series of blatant self-shilling for the position of writer on the Fox News comedy show due to air soon. In this attempt at self-promotion, I revisit the Katie Couric interview with Mark Foley's priest. I watched it when it first aired and was shocked at how much clinical detail it got into on a national news show. Therefore, with only slight exaggeration, I revisit that interview with this skit. And, yeah, I know this material is somewhat dated but ANYTHING I post now would be dated by the time the Fox News comedy show airs so it might as well be outdated with this Couric interview which I found to be AMAZING...

(Katie Couric is standing at the set of her CBS news show. She is interviewing the voice of Mark Foley's priest, Rev. Anthony Mercieca, whom we hear on a phone line.)

KATIE COURIC: Father, I understand that you have told a Florida newspaper that you did have an intimate two-year relationship with former Congressman Mark Foley when he was a teenage altar boy? Can you describe that relationship for us?

REV. ANTHONY MERCIECA: Yeah, we used to go out together to the games, when I, when my time permitted, you know? And we used to go to the ballgames and to the wrestling matches together and we used to go eat out.

KC: And this was in Lakeworth, Florida?

AM: Yes. Yes.

KC: But when the relationship is described as intimate, what exactly does that mean to you, Father?

AM: Well, intimate, it's like when you are with your brother or so, you know. Like you don't have any, any ... it's like when you are with a member with your family, you know? You don't ... you're really joyous and that's it, you know?

KC: In this article, you described a number of encounters that you believe might, Mark Foley might have misconstrued as sexually inappropriate. Can you describe some of those for us?

AM: No we used to go to the sauna bath, you know, there was a Finnish community there in Lakeworth and we used to go there to take a bath, you know. And maybe at the park, you know, you would jump in the lake, you know. And there was no one.

KC: So you're saying you went skinny-dipping together, you took saunas together. According to this newspaper account, it also says that you massaged him when he was naked, and you were naked in the same room on overnight trips?

AM: We used to do, like the athletes you know, he'll stay with his towel on and go on the bench and I will massage his neck and his back, you know. Like they do to athletes, you know?

KC: Father, you don't think that was inappropriate behavior for a priest and a teenage altar boy? People hearing this, even if it was innocent, would think it at the very least creepy and at the very most highly inappropriate?

AM: Massage parlors exist, you know. I don't know, so ...

KC: According to this article, you claim that once when you were in a drug-induced stupor, there was an incident that happened that you could not or cannot clearly remember that might have gone too far. Can you tell us what you mean by that and what you do remember from that encounter?

AM: I had taken some pills, had taken some alcohol and sort of ... that was drugs, not that we used drugs. You know?

KC: And what happened?

AM: That's what I can't remember, you know. And I guess that's what maybe Mark is thinking that was something bad.

KC: And what do you believe might have happened?

AM: I can't say, you know. If you are out ...

KC: Are you still claiming that these encounters were all perfectly innocent?

AM: Well I mean at the time we didn't think they were malicious, you know?

KC: I'm not talking about malicious, were they inappropriate in your view?

AM: It was maybe more spontaneous ...

KC: Did you ever massage Mark Foley on the inside of his thighs.

AM: No, never. Okay, maybe once or twice I did massage the inside of his thighs.

KC: How about his buttocks?

AM: Mark had very well developed buttocks.

KC: I mean did you ever massage his buttocks?

AM: No, never. Okay maybe once or twice.

KC: Did you use hot rubbing oils to massage the inside of his thighs and his hot young buttocks?

AM: It might have been olive oil.

KC (groaning): Oh my God! That sounds soooo sexy! Did you whisper to Mark while rubbing him with hot olive oil?

AM: No, never. Okay maybe once or twice.

(Katie is moaning in ecstasy and is rubbing herself excitedly.)

KC: OH! OH! OH! I've haven't been this turned on since I was anally probed with a colonoscopy tube!

AM: I absolutely deny that I ever anally probed young Mark with a tube!

KC: Thank you for this interview, Father. Ooooooh! Oooooh!

(Katie continues moaning and rubbing herself, completely oblivious to the fact that she anchoring a national network news broadcast. After about ten seconds of moaning in ecstasy, Katie suddenly snaps out of it and returns to normal as if nothing happened.)

KC: After the break, we take an in-depth look at Brad & Angelina's latest excursion to a Third World country.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * *

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Anonymous Anonymous said...

You need to add the narrative: "Dust flew and spiders streamed helter skelter from the afflicted area as Katie continued rubbing herself."

10:08 AM  

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