Pied Piper Pitt Enters The DUmmie Zone
YOU'RE TRAVELLING THROUGH ANOTHER DIMENSION. A DIMENSION NOT ONLY OF SIGHT AND SOUND BUT OF MINDLESSNESS. A JOURNEY INTO A BIZARRE ASYLUM WHOSE BOUNDARIES ARE THAT OF THE IMAGINATION. THAT'S THE SIGNPOST UP AHEAD---YOUR NEXT STOP, THE DUMMIE ZONE.
(A car is roaring fast down a country road late at night in western Nebraska. At the wheel is Pied Piper Pitt. He has a very sad look on his face, almost crying, as he mutters to himself: "I'll show them! In a couple of days they won't have the Magic Man to kick around any more and then they'll realize how much they miss me! Damn them all to HELL!!!" Suddenly a bright light radiates in the sky over a nearby cornfield. Pitt pulls his car over to the side of the road and looks on in astonishment as the light gets closer and closer. Pitt leaps out of the car and runs into the cornfield, closer to the bright light which is hovering only a couple of dozen feet over the ground. In the foreground we see Rod Serling stepping next to the road in front of the cornfield.)
SERLING: Portrait of a left-wing teller of tall tales named William Rivers Pitt. A man so desperate to make himself famous that he recently perpetrated a phony news story. The angry backlash created when his hoax was exposed has forced Pitt to give up on all hope of ever becoming a big political player. As a result, Pitt has decided to cross the country to melodramatically end it all by driving off the "Chicky Run" cliff in Malibu made famous by Rebel Without A Cause. However, Pitt doesn't yet realize it but he has just made a sharp detour into.....The DUmmie Zone.)
(Pitt runs beneath the shining light which he now sees as coming from a flying saucer hovering overhead.)
PITT: OH DEAR ALLAH! I CAN'T BELIEVE IT! A FLYING SAUCER!!!
(A booming voice is heard from the flying saucer.)
SAUCER VOICE: ATTENTION EARTHLING! WE HAVE TRAVELLED OVER A BILLION LIGHT YEARS TO DELIVER AN IMPORTANT MESSAGE TO YOUR PLANET!
PITT: YES! YES!
SAUCER VOICE: WE WILL BRING PEACE AND PROSPERITY TO YOUR PLANET!
PITT: GREAT NEWS!
SAUCER VOICE: AND WE WILL MAKE YOU ABSOLUTE RULER OF THE EARTH!
PITT: Could I even have Bush impeached?
SAUCER VOICE: OF COURSE!
PITT: And tried as a war criminal before the International Court at The Hague?
SAUCER VOICE: YOU WOULD BE THE ABSOLUTE RULER OF EARTH SO YOU CAN DO ANYTHING YOU WANT!
PITT (jumping up and down): OH HOW WONDERFUL!!! I'm already thinking about the schoolgirl groupies worshipping my every word! First I'm going to take horrible revenge on all those who doubted my story about...
SAUCER VOICE (interrupting Pitt): BUT---IN ORDER FOR THIS TO HAPPEN AND TO EARN THIS HONOR, YOU MUST RETURN TO THIS CORNFIELD WITH AT LEAST ONE OTHER EARTHLING AT EXACTLY MIDNIGHT CORNHUSKER DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME TOMORROW. THIS WILL BE A TEST OF YOUR LEADERSHIP ABILITY TO CONVINCE OTHER EARTH PEOPLE TO BELIEVE IN YOU!
PITT: HA! HA! Piece of cake! I'll have you know that I have a reputation for leadership all over the Internet. I even worked as a press secretary for Dennis Kucinich until...
SAUCER VOICE (interrupting Pitt again): ENOUGH ALREADY WITH THE SELF-PUFFERY! WE WILL RETURN AT MIDNIGHT TOMORROW!
(The flying saucer rises up into the sky and disappears.)
(We see Pitt's car speeding into a small town as it honks wildly. The car screeches to a halt in the middle of the street and Pitt jumps out. He struts in wide circles screaming as the sleeping town residents emerge from their homes. Before them is the spectacle of a crazed maniac in a black cowboy hat spouting what seems to be absurd nonsense.)
PITT: YEEEEEAAAAGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH!!! I'M KING OF THE WORLD!!! FOLLOW THE PIED PIPER INTO THE CORNFIELD AT MIDNIGHT AND YOU WILL BE BLESSED FROM MAKING ME YOUR ABSOLUTE RULER! YEEEEEEEAAAAGGGHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!
(Pitt continues his loud bantam rooster strutting until a hand clamps down on his shoulder from behind. Pitt turns to see a uniformed man. It is the town sheriff.)
SHERIFF: What's your problem, Boy, that you have to wake up the whole town?
PITT: I was driving from Boston when I saw a flying saucer over a cornfield! Anyway, the good news is that you folks will have the privilege of returning with me there at midnight so I can rule over you and end the Bush Family Evil Empire and..."
SHERIFF (interrupting): You Boston folks must think we're all a bunch of stupid Cornhusker hicks out here coming up with a dopey story like that as an excuse for disturbing the peace.
PITT: Please, Sheriff! I meant no harm.
(Pitt pulls out his cell phone.)
PITT (continuing): I won't bother the unenlightened folks here any more. All I need to do is call...
(The sheriff yanks the cell phone out of Pitt's hand.)
SHERIFF: You won't be calling anybody since you're going to spend the night in jail.
PITT: But sheriff! I need to call...
SHERIFF: Shut up, Boy, unless you want me to make it a week in jail.
PITT: Okay, Sheriff. I'll be quiet. Just please give me my cell phone in the morning.
(We see the sheriff locking a cell door behind Pitt. Pitt nervously paces back and forth all night.)
PITT (to himself): Keep your cool! Just wait until morning when I can call one of my many admirers to meet me here.
(9 A.M. the next morning. The sheriff opens the cell door and hands Pitt his cell phone. Pitt steps outside into the street and eagerly begins dialing his cell phone.)
PITT: Hello, Skinner? It's Will PItt here with INCREDIBLE NEWS!!! I'm in Nebraska and last night a flying saucer told me I could rule the earth and rid the world of reactionary Republicans.
(Pitt pauses as he listens to Skinner's reply.)
PITT (continuing): No, no! This time it is for real. All you have to do is hop a flight right away to Omaha, then rent a car and drive a couple of hundred miles west to...)
(Pitt pauses as he listens to Skinner's reply again.)
PITT (continuing): Of course I'm serious, Skinner! Why don't you believe me?
(Pitt pauses for Skinner's reply.)
PITT (continuing): The truth? Okay this time I'll give you the truth! That whole story about Karl Rove being indicted on May 12 was a FRAUD! I was just trying to get a quick easy way to make make my TruthOut website famous, along with me, all over the Web. I took a gamble on Karl Rove being indicted that week and tried to cash in on the "scoop" but I got burned. I'm baring my soul to you now in all honesty because you HAVE to believe my flying saucer story is REAL!
(Pitt pauses as he listens to Skinner's reply.)
PITT (continuing): DAMN YOU, SKINNER!!! When this story pans out, and all the little fish try to swim home, I am going to say, "Sorry, you had a chance to stand with an ally, and instead decided to say, 'I find it very hard not to be skeptical.'"
(Pitt pauses again to listen to the reply.)
PITT (continuing): This was a wheat-from-the-chaff moment. You spend a good deal of time talking about standing strong but you publicly screwed one man who has stood stronger for you than any other. Name for me please the new best-selling book, translated into twelve languages, that thanks you and your site above anything else. First and Foremost. There is one. Only one. Before my own mother, I thanked you.
(An angry Pitt pauses again for the reply and then screams into the cell phone.)
PITT (screaming): YOU'RE IN THE WRONG BUSINESS! I AM DISGUSTED! YOU ARE NO BETTER THAN THE CRETINS WHO HAVE TAKEN OVER YOUR SITE!!!
(The sheriff steps outside to confront Pitt.)
SHERIFF: With all that yelling you sound like you want to spend the rest of the week as a guest of the jailhouse.
PITT (nervously): No! Not that! Look, I won't bother anybody in town. I promise. Could you tell me where the town library is located?
SHERIFF: Just down the street on the left. And STAY out of trouble, Boston Boy!
(We see Pitt at the library, sitting in front of a computer on the Democrat Underground website. He posts the following thread and message:)
Will Pitt: Just Tell 'Em You Know Me
Hey Everybody! Last night a voice from a flying saucer promised that if I show up with someone in the middle of a cornfield in Nebraska, space aliens would make me absolute ruler of the earth and I would be able to toss all conservatives into jail for political crimes. All I need is for just one of you to meet me in Nebraska in the next few hours to make this happen!
symbolman: I have a better idea, Pitt. Why don't you print out this thread and shove it where the moon don't shine?
Maddy McCall: I second symbolman's suggestion.
OldLeftieLawyer: It's a bogus story and an absurd one. How long before the flying saucer returns? 24 business hours?
benburch: I believe you, Will. Unfortunately I'm too broke to travel to Nebraska. Could you send me $10 to repair the radio equipment of my broadcasting empire that was destroyed by a lightning bolt?
steve2470: Are the chicks in Nebraska cute? Do you think you could set me up on a date for this weekend with a hot Cornhusker? I have a couple of Yanni concert tickets.
(It is midnight. A very confident looking Will Pitt is waiting as the flying saucer returns.)
SAUCER VOICE: ATTENTION EARTHLING! YOU HAVE FAILED IN YOUR MISSION!
PITT (smugly): No I haven't. I've returned with plenty of people.
SAUCER VOICE: WHERE?
PITT: They're hidden among the corn stalks. My friends are just too shy to meet you but they're here.
SAUCER VOICE: DON'T EVEN TRY TO BS US, EARTHLING! WE DETECT NO HUMAN LIFE FORMS FOR A RADIUS OF OVER 7 MILES!
PITT (less confidently): Don't I count? I thought you meant any human life forms could return which would be me. Look, just give me another 24 hours or make it 24 business hours to comply with your demand.
(The flying saucer begins to rise higher into the air.)
SAUCER VOICE: NO EXCUSES! YOU COULD HAVE RULED THE EARTH BUT YOU LOST YOUR OPPORTUNITY BECAUSE YOU WERE UNABLE TO GET ANYBODY TO BELIEVE IN YOU!
(The flying saucer rises rapidly into the sky and disappears.)
(Pitt falls to his knees and begins pounding the ground with his fists.)
PITT (sobbing): I was so close to being the center of everything and now I'm just a nobody again! I CAN'T TAKE IT ANY MORE!!!
(A couple of nights later on a cliff in Malibu. A pair of lights pierce the darkness. It is Pitt's car. The car speeds over the edge of the cliff as Pitt's voice screams: "GOODBYE CRUEL WORLD!!!")
(We see a closeup of Pitt's mouth moving.)
PITT: It was at Lake Placid that the now-familiar chant of "U.S.A.! U.S.A.!" was born. The American people had been well-trained during the second empire to expect being on top...
(We now see that Pitt is but one of hundreds of people in a poultry processing plant. Like everyone else, he is wearing white coveralls and cap. The other workers all appear to be Hispanic. Pitt continues talking as he rips the guts out of chicken carcasses as they go by him on a conveyor belt.)
PITT (continuing): The American people were mesmerized by the vision of their flag rising next to but just a little higher than the red Soviet banner. It was their first taste of what would become a long and uninterrupted stretch of total global dominance...
(The Hispanic poultry processing workers nearby look at Pitt curiously, failing to understand at all what he is saying.)
HISPANIC #1: Qué dijo el Gringo?
HISPANIC #2: Quién sabe? Me parece que él es un gran pendejo loco.
(As Pitt continues talking, we hear Rod Serling's voiceover.)
SERLING VO: Submitted for your approval: A story of a pompous blowhard condemned to tell tall tales for all eternity in ---The DUmmie Zone.