Monday, May 29, 2006

Pied Piper Pitt Enters The DUmmie Zone



YOU'RE TRAVELLING THROUGH ANOTHER DIMENSION. A DIMENSION NOT ONLY OF SIGHT AND SOUND BUT OF MINDLESSNESS. A JOURNEY INTO A BIZARRE ASYLUM WHOSE BOUNDARIES ARE THAT OF THE IMAGINATION. THAT'S THE SIGNPOST UP AHEAD---YOUR NEXT STOP, THE DUMMIE ZONE.



(A car is roaring fast down a country road late at night in western Nebraska. At the wheel is Pied Piper Pitt. He has a very sad look on his face, almost crying, as he mutters to himself: "I'll show them! In a couple of days they won't have the Magic Man to kick around any more and then they'll realize how much they miss me! Damn them all to HELL!!!" Suddenly a bright light radiates in the sky over a nearby cornfield. Pitt pulls his car over to the side of the road and looks on in astonishment as the light gets closer and closer. Pitt leaps out of the car and runs into the cornfield, closer to the bright light which is hovering only a couple of dozen feet over the ground. In the foreground we see Rod Serling stepping next to the road in front of the cornfield.)




SERLING: Portrait of a left-wing teller of tall tales named William Rivers Pitt. A man so desperate to make himself famous that he recently perpetrated a phony news story. The angry backlash created when his hoax was exposed has forced Pitt to give up on all hope of ever becoming a big political player. As a result, Pitt has decided to cross the country to melodramatically end it all by driving off the "Chicky Run" cliff in Malibu made famous by Rebel Without A Cause. However, Pitt doesn't yet realize it but he has just made a sharp detour into.....The DUmmie Zone.)



(Pitt runs beneath the shining light which he now sees as coming from a flying saucer hovering overhead.)



PITT: OH DEAR ALLAH! I CAN'T BELIEVE IT! A FLYING SAUCER!!!



(A booming voice is heard from the flying saucer.)



SAUCER VOICE: ATTENTION EARTHLING! WE HAVE TRAVELLED OVER A BILLION LIGHT YEARS TO DELIVER AN IMPORTANT MESSAGE TO YOUR PLANET!



PITT: YES! YES!



SAUCER VOICE: WE WILL BRING PEACE AND PROSPERITY TO YOUR PLANET!



PITT: GREAT NEWS!



SAUCER VOICE: AND WE WILL MAKE YOU ABSOLUTE RULER OF THE EARTH!



PITT: Could I even have Bush impeached?



SAUCER VOICE: OF COURSE!



PITT: And tried as a war criminal before the International Court at The Hague?



SAUCER VOICE: YOU WOULD BE THE ABSOLUTE RULER OF EARTH SO YOU CAN DO ANYTHING YOU WANT!




PITT (jumping up and down): OH HOW WONDERFUL!!! I'm already thinking about the schoolgirl groupies worshipping my every word! First I'm going to take horrible revenge on all those who doubted my story about...



SAUCER VOICE (interrupting Pitt): BUT---IN ORDER FOR THIS TO HAPPEN AND TO EARN THIS HONOR, YOU MUST RETURN TO THIS CORNFIELD WITH AT LEAST ONE OTHER EARTHLING AT EXACTLY MIDNIGHT CORNHUSKER DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME TOMORROW. THIS WILL BE A TEST OF YOUR LEADERSHIP ABILITY TO CONVINCE OTHER EARTH PEOPLE TO BELIEVE IN YOU!



PITT: HA! HA! Piece of cake! I'll have you know that I have a reputation for leadership all over the Internet. I even worked as a press secretary for Dennis Kucinich until...



SAUCER VOICE (interrupting Pitt again): ENOUGH ALREADY WITH THE SELF-PUFFERY! WE WILL RETURN AT MIDNIGHT TOMORROW!



(The flying saucer rises up into the sky and disappears.)



(We see Pitt's car speeding into a small town as it honks wildly. The car screeches to a halt in the middle of the street and Pitt jumps out. He struts in wide circles screaming as the sleeping town residents emerge from their homes. Before them is the spectacle of a crazed maniac in a black cowboy hat spouting what seems to be absurd nonsense.)



PITT: YEEEEEAAAAGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH!!! I'M KING OF THE WORLD!!! FOLLOW THE PIED PIPER INTO THE CORNFIELD AT MIDNIGHT AND YOU WILL BE BLESSED FROM MAKING ME YOUR ABSOLUTE RULER! YEEEEEEEAAAAGGGHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!



(Pitt continues his loud bantam rooster strutting until a hand clamps down on his shoulder from behind. Pitt turns to see a uniformed man. It is the town sheriff.)



SHERIFF: What's your problem, Boy, that you have to wake up the whole town?



PITT: I was driving from Boston when I saw a flying saucer over a cornfield! Anyway, the good news is that you folks will have the privilege of returning with me there at midnight so I can rule over you and end the Bush Family Evil Empire and..."



SHERIFF (interrupting): You Boston folks must think we're all a bunch of stupid Cornhusker hicks out here coming up with a dopey story like that as an excuse for disturbing the peace.



PITT: Please, Sheriff! I meant no harm.



(Pitt pulls out his cell phone.)



PITT (continuing): I won't bother the unenlightened folks here any more. All I need to do is call...



(The sheriff yanks the cell phone out of Pitt's hand.)



SHERIFF: You won't be calling anybody since you're going to spend the night in jail.



PITT: But sheriff! I need to call...



SHERIFF: Shut up, Boy, unless you want me to make it a week in jail.



PITT: Okay, Sheriff. I'll be quiet. Just please give me my cell phone in the morning.



(We see the sheriff locking a cell door behind Pitt. Pitt nervously paces back and forth all night.)



PITT (to himself): Keep your cool! Just wait until morning when I can call one of my many admirers to meet me here.



(9 A.M. the next morning. The sheriff opens the cell door and hands Pitt his cell phone. Pitt steps outside into the street and eagerly begins dialing his cell phone.)



PITT: Hello, Skinner? It's Will PItt here with INCREDIBLE NEWS!!! I'm in Nebraska and last night a flying saucer told me I could rule the earth and rid the world of reactionary Republicans.



(Pitt pauses as he listens to Skinner's reply.)



PITT (continuing): No, no! This time it is for real. All you have to do is hop a flight right away to Omaha, then rent a car and drive a couple of hundred miles west to...)



(Pitt pauses as he listens to Skinner's reply again.)



PITT (continuing): Of course I'm serious, Skinner! Why don't you believe me?



(Pitt pauses for Skinner's reply.)



PITT (continuing): The truth? Okay this time I'll give you the truth! That whole story about Karl Rove being indicted on May 12 was a FRAUD! I was just trying to get a quick easy way to make make my TruthOut website famous, along with me, all over the Web. I took a gamble on Karl Rove being indicted that week and tried to cash in on the "scoop" but I got burned. I'm baring my soul to you now in all honesty because you HAVE to believe my flying saucer story is REAL!



(Pitt pauses as he listens to Skinner's reply.)



PITT (continuing): DAMN YOU, SKINNER!!! When this story pans out, and all the little fish try to swim home, I am going to say, "Sorry, you had a chance to stand with an ally, and instead decided to say, 'I find it very hard not to be skeptical.'"



(Pitt pauses again to listen to the reply.)



PITT (continuing): This was a wheat-from-the-chaff moment. You spend a good deal of time talking about standing strong but you publicly screwed one man who has stood stronger for you than any other. Name for me please the new best-selling book, translated into twelve languages, that thanks you and your site above anything else. First and Foremost. There is one. Only one. Before my own mother, I thanked you.



(An angry Pitt pauses again for the reply and then screams into the cell phone.)



PITT (screaming): YOU'RE IN THE WRONG BUSINESS! I AM DISGUSTED! YOU ARE NO BETTER THAN THE CRETINS WHO HAVE TAKEN OVER YOUR SITE!!!



(The sheriff steps outside to confront Pitt.)



SHERIFF: With all that yelling you sound like you want to spend the rest of the week as a guest of the jailhouse.



PITT (nervously): No! Not that! Look, I won't bother anybody in town. I promise. Could you tell me where the town library is located?



SHERIFF: Just down the street on the left. And STAY out of trouble, Boston Boy!



(We see Pitt at the library, sitting in front of a computer on the Democrat Underground website. He posts the following thread and message:)



Will Pitt: Just Tell 'Em You Know Me

Hey Everybody! Last night a voice from a flying saucer promised that if I show up with someone in the middle of a cornfield in Nebraska, space aliens would make me absolute ruler of the earth and I would be able to toss all conservatives into jail for political crimes. All I need is for just one of you to meet me in Nebraska in the next few hours to make this happen!




symbolman: I have a better idea, Pitt. Why don't you print out this thread and shove it where the moon don't shine?




Maddy McCall: I second symbolman's suggestion.




OldLeftieLawyer: It's a bogus story and an absurd one. How long before the flying saucer returns? 24 business hours?




benburch: I believe you, Will. Unfortunately I'm too broke to travel to Nebraska. Could you send me $10 to repair the radio equipment of my broadcasting empire that was destroyed by a lightning bolt?




steve2470: Are the chicks in Nebraska cute? Do you think you could set me up on a date for this weekend with a hot Cornhusker? I have a couple of Yanni concert tickets.




* * * * * * * * * *



(It is midnight. A very confident looking Will Pitt is waiting as the flying saucer returns.)



SAUCER VOICE: ATTENTION EARTHLING! YOU HAVE FAILED IN YOUR MISSION!



PITT (smugly): No I haven't. I've returned with plenty of people.



SAUCER VOICE: WHERE?



PITT: They're hidden among the corn stalks. My friends are just too shy to meet you but they're here.



SAUCER VOICE: DON'T EVEN TRY TO BS US, EARTHLING! WE DETECT NO HUMAN LIFE FORMS FOR A RADIUS OF OVER 7 MILES!



PITT (less confidently): Don't I count? I thought you meant any human life forms could return which would be me. Look, just give me another 24 hours or make it 24 business hours to comply with your demand.



(The flying saucer begins to rise higher into the air.)



SAUCER VOICE: NO EXCUSES! YOU COULD HAVE RULED THE EARTH BUT YOU LOST YOUR OPPORTUNITY BECAUSE YOU WERE UNABLE TO GET ANYBODY TO BELIEVE IN YOU!



(The flying saucer rises rapidly into the sky and disappears.)



PITT: NOOOOOOO!!!



(Pitt falls to his knees and begins pounding the ground with his fists.)



PITT (sobbing): I was so close to being the center of everything and now I'm just a nobody again! I CAN'T TAKE IT ANY MORE!!!



(A couple of nights later on a cliff in Malibu. A pair of lights pierce the darkness. It is Pitt's car. The car speeds over the edge of the cliff as Pitt's voice screams: "GOODBYE CRUEL WORLD!!!")



FADE OUT

FADE IN



(We see a closeup of Pitt's mouth moving.)



PITT: It was at Lake Placid that the now-familiar chant of "U.S.A.! U.S.A.!" was born. The American people had been well-trained during the second empire to expect being on top...



(We now see that Pitt is but one of hundreds of people in a poultry processing plant. Like everyone else, he is wearing white coveralls and cap. The other workers all appear to be Hispanic. Pitt continues talking as he rips the guts out of chicken carcasses as they go by him on a conveyor belt.)



PITT (continuing): The American people were mesmerized by the vision of their flag rising next to but just a little higher than the red Soviet banner. It was their first taste of what would become a long and uninterrupted stretch of total global dominance...



(The Hispanic poultry processing workers nearby look at Pitt curiously, failing to understand at all what he is saying.)



HISPANIC #1: Qué dijo el Gringo?



HISPANIC #2: Quién sabe? Me parece que él es un gran pendejo loco.




(As Pitt continues talking, we hear Rod Serling's voiceover.)



SERLING VO: Submitted for your approval: A story of a pompous blowhard condemned to tell tall tales for all eternity in ---The DUmmie Zone.

10 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Let me be the first to say beeeuutifull! I dont't even have to waste my time at DUmmie land anymore, I just come here.

10:35 PM  
Blogger Son Of The Godfather said...

Awesome PJ!... The only thing that could possibly be more "Twilight Zone"-like would be for the DUmmies to actually accept him back into the fold... Which we'll probably be seeing by next month! :)

Well done.

2:44 AM  
Blogger Son Of The Godfather said...

Prediction (before November):

WILLIE: "Hey man, I may have jumped the gun on the Rove thing and called you all "cretins", but NOW is the time we must ban together to defeat the neocon forces!"

DUers: "Pitt, go F yourself."

WILLIE: "Hey, we all WANTED it to be true! I was merely speaking "truthiness" to power! As many experienced generals have done in battles of long ago, let ME be the one to rally our side to action (again)! With my powers of persuasion (and a few shots at Buckowski's... and after watching Braveheart while slightly plastered, and the DUers predisposition to believe pretty much anything they want to be true), let me throw forth the gauntlet to the evil Rethuglicans that all of us might unite behind this common cause!!"

DUers: "ALL HAIL PITT! ALL HAIL PITT!"

Pull the football once, shame on you.
Pull the football twice... three times... four times...

2:57 AM  
Blogger Icarus said...

So, um ... has Pitt actually shown up in DUmmieland??

No offense to your snort-worthy hilarity above ... but for sheer comedic value, it can't compare with the real Slick Willy Pitt.

Have there been any confirmed sightings?

I honestly can't wait.

By the way - has Rove been indicted yet? :) :)

8:27 AM  
Blogger Son Of The Godfather said...

Icarus, you think he meant 24 business days?

Heh.

8:53 AM  
Anonymous Moonbat_One said...

Man, if that had really happened, I bet Pitt would start hitting the bottle hard to make him forget his crummy little life.

Oh wait......

10:14 PM  
Blogger diesel_driver said...

Good one, PJ. I commend you for your intestinal fortitude to troll thru the DUmpster. I feel like I need a shower just for typing the website address!

Love seeing this on FR, too!

8:44 PM  
Anonymous ResIpsa said...

Absolutely hilarious!!!!!

Beautifully done!!!

7:55 PM  
Anonymous personal development said...

Just found your site. Well done! Check out this site hypnosis

10:13 AM  
Blogger fish said...

Many people know the importance of self confidence and try to boost their own by using many different personal development models. Self confidence to most people is the ability to feel at ease in most situations but low self confidence in many areas may be due to a lack of self esteem. Low self esteem takes a more subtle form that low self confidence. So if you are tired of feeling not good enough, afraid of moving towards your desires and goals, feel that no matter what you do it is just never good enough, then your self esteem could do with a boost.

Every day we make decisions based on our level of self-esteem. We also exhibit that level of self esteem to those around us through our behaviour. 90% of all communication is non-verbal - it is not what you say but ho you say it that matters! Your body language, tonality and facial gestures can all tell a completely different story to your words. It is our behaviour which influences others and people react to us by reading our non-verbal communications. Have you ever met someone you just didn't like although on the surface they seemed polite and courteous, or you met someone who seemed to speak confidently yet you knew they were really frightened underneath and just displaying bravado?

Parental and peer influences play a major part in moulding our level of self-esteem when we are children and in our early years of adolescence. The opinions of the people closest to us and how they reacted to us as individuals or part of the group was a dominant factor in the processes involved in forming our self esteem.

As adults we tend to perpetuate these beliefs about ourselves and in the vast majority of cases they are ridiculously erroneous. It is time to re-evaluate our opinion of ourselves and come to some new conclusions about these old belief patterns.

Ask yourself some serious question:
Is your long-held view about yourself accurate? Do we respect the sources from which we derived these beliefs? Most of the negative feedback we bought into as we were growing up actually came from people we have little or no respect for and as adults we would probably laugh their comments away! Yet the damage to your self esteem was done when you were very young and you still carry it with you to this day.

Is it possible that even those people you respected, who influenced your self-worth, were wrong? Perhaps they had low self esteem also.

As adults we have the opportunity to reshape our self-esteem. Try to judge accurately the feedback you receive from people you respect. This process will allow you to deepen your understanding of yourself and expand your self-image. It will also show you were you actually need to change things about yourself and were you don't. Many people are striving to better themselves in areas where they are just fine or actually excelling and it is only because they have an inaccurate picture of themselves in their minds due to low self esteem!

Setting small goals and achieving them will greatly boost your self-esteem. Identify your real weakness and strengths and begin a training program to better your inter-personal or professional skills. This will support you in your future big life goals and boost your self-esteem and self confidence to high levels you didn't existed!

Learn to recognise what makes you feel good about yourself and do more of it. Everyone has certain things that they do which makes them feel worthwhile but people with low self esteem tend to belittle these feelings or ignore them.

Take inventory of all the things that you have already accomplished in your life no matter how small they may seem. Recognise that you have made achievements in your life and remember all the positive things that you have done for yourself and others. Take a note of your failures and don't make excuses like "I'm just not good enough" or "I just knew that would happen to me", analyse the situation and prepare yourself better for the next time. If someone else created success, regardless of the obstacles, then you are capable of doing the same! Remember everyone has different strengths and weakness so do not judge your own performance against that of another just use them as inspiration and know that what one human being has achieved so can another!

Surround yourself with people who respect you and want what is best for you - people who are honest about your strengths and will help you work through your weakness. Give the same level of support to them!

Avoid people who continually undermine you or make you feel small. These people are just displaying very low self esteem. As your own self esteem grows you will find that you are no longer intimidated by another's self confidence or success and you can actually be joyful for them! Do things you love to do and that make you happy. A truly happy person never has low self esteem they are too busy enjoying life! By getting busy living your life with passion and joy you will not be able to be self-consciousness.

If you find yourself feeling self-conscious in any situation focus on the fact that others can tell and many of them will be feeling the same. Be honest. People respond to someone better if they openly say "To tell you the truth I'm a bit nervous" rather than displaying bravo or fake confidence that they can see right through. Their reactions to you, will show your mind at a deep level, that there was actually nothing to be frightened of and everything is great. If someone reacts to this negatively they are just displaying low self esteem and very quickly you will find others noticing this! Really listen to people when they talk to you instead of running through all the negative things that could happen in your head or focusing on your lack of confidence. People respond to someone who is truly with them in the moment..

Breath deeply and slow down. Don't rush to do things.

Stop the negative talk! 'I'm no good at that' or "I couldn't possibly do that" are affirmations that support your lack of self esteem. Instead say "I have never done that before but I am willing to try" or "how best can I do that?". Which leads us to the last point - the quality of the questions you ask yourself s very important.
When you ask a question it almost always has a preposition in it. For example, "How did I mess that up?" presumes that something was messed up, a better way of phrasing the question would be "what way can I fix this quickly?", as this presumes you can and will fix it. Or "How am I ever going to reach my goal?" could be rephrased as "what way will lead me to my goal quicker" presumes that you are going to reach your goal! Get the picture? Change the quality of your questions and your results will change!

Practise these techniques and watch your self esteem rise day by day. personal development

6:59 AM  

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