DUmmie FUnnies 04-27-05 (Pied Piper Pitt Blows White Smoke Up His Chimney)

If you think that the major change in the world in the past couple of weeks was the announcement of the new Pope, you would be wrong. According to Pied Piper Pitt, the BIG change was his switch from Truthout to the Progressive Democrats of America which he announced to the DUmmie (m)asses with as much self-important gravity as the annunciation of the new Pope. Here we see Pitt sending his own clouds of white smoke up the chimney as he lets the world know of the momentous change. Not only do we read of Pitt’s PROUNOUNCEMENT but we can also hear him simultaneously read it out via audio. So sit back and watch Pitt self-worship at the Temple of Narcissus in Bolshevik Red while the commentary of your humble correspondent, watching Pitt blow a lot of smoke, is in the [brackets]:

Hello there. This is William Rivers Pitt. You may know me from my work these last several years at the alternative news magazine truthout. Well, I am pleased to let you know that I have joined the staff of Progressive Democrats of America as the Editorial Director. My role, among other things, will be to provide reports on PDA actions and activities all across the country, to run the blog, and to write essays on a variety of topics from the Iraq occupation to our actions against Bush nominees like the profoundly unacceptable Mr. John Bolton.

[Hello there. This is PJ-Comix. You may know me these last several years at the local laundromat, Soak’n’Suds. Well, I am pleased to let you know that I have switched to another laundromat, Super Bubbles. My role will be to bore the hell out of you with loads of self-inflated flatulations using $5 words I have gathered from thesauruses all across the county.]

You may be wondering why I left the truthout staff to come to work for PDA. There's no one answer to that. Reporting the real news and providing editorial perspective in this day of commercial, corporate 24 hour cable dreck can certainly be considered activism, but of a somewhat passive variety. I'd gather all the information and get it out to the world, and then wait for someone else to use it actively and effectively. Sometimes my data got used, sometimes it didn't, but I was always in a position of hoping the information I put together moved the pile. With PDA, I can take a far more active role in doing that, something I find profoundly exciting.

[You may be wondering why I left Soak’n’Suds to come wash my dirty laundry at Super Bubbles. There’s no one answer to that but you can bet I will torture you with paragraph after paragraph of tedious explanations of why I made the switch even though I could easily explain it in just one simple sentence. Washing your clothes in this day of just dropping it off at the laundry can certainly be considered activism, but of a somewhat passive variety. I gather all my clothes and get it out to the laundromat. Sometimes my clothes got washed and sometimes I said to hell with it and went to the local bar instead. With Super Bubbles I can do my laundry and get falling down drunk at the same time since this laundromat also includes a bar, something I find profoundly exciting.]

I guess the best way to describe why I am here is to tell you about some of the other people who have dedicated themselves to PDA, and why they are here. Their reasons are also my reasons. One of our people, Sherry, says "I was attracted to PDA's inside/outside strategy and to its focus on including all progressives. PDA provides a place for all progressives at the table whether or not they're already a part of the Democratic Party hierarchy and established structure. PDA encourages new blood... new ideas... new energy."

[I guess the best way to descibe why I am here is to tell you about the other people dedicated to shlepping their clothes to Super Bubbles, and why they are here. Their reasons are also my reasons. One of our people, Sherry, says “I was attracted to Super Bubbles outside/inside strategy and to its focus on inlcuding all inebriates. Super Bubbles provides a place for all drunks at the laundromat, whether or not they are already plastered. Super Bubbles encourages new booze…new glasses…new drinks.”]

David is here because "We'll make change happen by uniting the left and the middle, and the poor and the middle class. All that's working against us is a relatively tiny overclass with the majority of the nation's wealth in its pockets, alongside an increasingly radical right-wing Republican Party." Steve believes "We will reorient the Democratic Party on peace and justice issues, and reconnect the party with its historic mission to protect working families."

[David is here because “We’ll make change happen by uniting the drunks and the lushes and the poor drunks and the poor lushes. All that’s working against us is a relatively tiny overglass of Peppermint Schnapps, alongside an increasingly radical right-wing Office Party.” Steve believes “We will reorient ourselves on the floor when we sober up and reconnect with this party and the historic mission of scoring some working girls.”]

Alysia says "I wake up every morning knowing I'm doing my best to make this country a better place for my daughter to grow up in. I know that PDA can make a real difference, I've already seen it happen. Given what we've done with minimal funding and resources (our 'national office' being contained in each of our cell phones and computers), I have realistic hopes for a better future, and that's worth working for."

[Alysia says “I wake up every morning with a big hangover and a stranger in my bed. I know that Super Bubbles can make a real difference since I can wash my laundry and get drunk as hell at the same time. I have realistic hopes for even wilder parties and that’s worth passing out for.”]

I have many more testimonials like these from the volunteers and staff at PDA, and they all come to the same place: This organization is harnessing the power of liberals and progressives all across the nation to stop the madness that has swept through our lives like a blood wind, and to work every day and every night to create the kind of country we can be proud of, the kind of country we can feel safe raising our children in, the kind of country that can be that shining city on a hill, an example of kindness and goodness and generosity and, yeah, I'll say it, sanity.

[I have many more testimonials that I can bore you with from patrons of Super Bubbles but I will bore you instead with my own sense of self-importance. Super Bubbles is harnessing the power of soap and liquor all across the nation to stop the sobriety that has swept through our lives like a blood wind, and to work every day and every night to create the kind of country we can feel safe to get inebriated in, the kind of country that can be a shiny ice cube in a glass, an example of kindness and goodness, and staring at my own navel. And yes, I’ll say it, insanity.]

I remember walking the halls of the Capitol Building in DC last January reporting on the Boxer Rebellion for truthout. I ran into Kevin Spidel, Tim Carpenter and several other PDA staffers, who had been center-stage in the push to get someone to stand up and shout down the validation of the corrupted Ohio Electoral College votes. I remember very clearly overhearing a conversation between Spidel and a senior congressional staffer who had been neck-deep in progressive activism for thirty years and had the scars to prove it.

[It was a dark and stormy night when I remember staggering down the Capitol Building in DC last January barfing on the floor for foodout. I ran into Kevin Spidel, Tim Carpenter and several other Super Bubbles bartendenders/coin machine operators who had been center stage in the push to get me to stand up and shout down the validation of the corrupted DUI test. I remember very clearly grabbing my crotch and trying to walk a straight line and I had the scars to prove it.]

This staffer told Kevin that in all his time as an activist, he had never seen a better organization than PDA. In his life, he had never seen one group be so effective at pulling together different people and different groups and different voices into one coherent force for change. That's why I am here. There have been other groups before PDA, and there are others out there today that share our goals. But this is the group, and these are the people, that can best affect the changes that are so necessary for the health and well-being both of this nation and the world

[This staffer told Kevin to have another one on the house. In all his life, he had never seen one group so blasted out of their minds with a force of total incoherence. That’s why I am here. There have been other laundromat/bars before Super Bubbles and there are others out there today that share our drinks. But this is the laundromat and these are the people, that can best slobber on the bar counter in a way so necessary for the health and well drinks both of this nation and the world.]

Through PDA, and hand-in-hand with the other groups that are working for a better tomorrow, we will become the change we wish to see in the world.

[Through Super Bubbles, and hand-in-hand with other laundromats that are working for the wish to see in the world a better tomorrow and whatever else I can stack this meaningless sentence with.]

And we need your help. They say money is the root of all evil, and we have seen more than enough proof of that in recent years. But money can also be a force for great good when properly used. Please give what you can to Progressive Democrats of America and help us strive for our common goals. Check out the main page of our website and become a PDA Sustainer. We can do great things together, and we will do great things together, but to get that done we need your financial help and we need it today. If you can give, you have my deepest gratitude.

[And we need your help. Gimme beer money. Give me. Give me! Give me! DAMMNIT---GIVE ME!!! We are just $10 away from making this a paradise on earth. Check out the main page of our website and become a Super Bubbles enabler. We can do great things together but ONLY if you GIMME MONEY. Give until it hurts and then open up your socks you cheap bastard. If you can give even more money, you can have my deepest gratitude which with ten cents won’t even buy you a cup of coffee.]

That's all for now. Keep an eye on the website and the blog for reports, action alert and essays telling you what we have done, what we are doing, and where we will be headed tomorrow. Oh, and for those of you who are fans of truthout, have no fear. I am privileged to be able to continue to write for them as a free-lance journalist. You'll be seeing my stuff there a couple of times a week.

[That’s all for now. Hallelujah! Keep an eye on the website and the blog for even more boring reports, dull alerts, and overlong bloated essays telling you how wonderful I am, what I am doing, and what navel I will be staring at tomorrow. Oh, and for those of you who still frequent Soak’n’Suds, have no fear. I am privileged to be able to continue to barfing my guts out on their floor as a free-loader drunk. You’ll be seeing my lunch chunks there a couple of times a week.]

This is William Rivers Pitt, editorial director for Progressive Democrats of America. Thanks for listening, thanks for giving, and remember: You are the one you've been waiting for. You've been here all along.

[This is PJ-Comix announcing that I will soon be posting my Buttcheek Visitation Schedule so as to better enable the implantation of your overawed lips upon my substantial posterior. Thanks for listening, thanks for giving and remember: I’m the one it’s all about. You’re just here for the ride.]