Wednesday, May 07, 2014

David Gregory's Shrink

(David Gregory enters a room furnished with bookshelves, wall paintings, wood paneling, oak desk, plush swivel chair, and a couch. On the wall is the framed medical license of Dr. Shrink. He angrily slams the door behind him. Dr. Shrink, sitting behind his desk, gets up to introduce himself.)

DR. SHRINK: Hi David! NBC News has assigned me to analyze you so that we might find a way to make your personality more appealing to “Meet The Press” viewers. So far my report indicates that you are insecure, rude, and cut off people in the middle of...”

GREGORY: Shut your mouth! I don't cut off people while they are talking! So what does NBC News have against me? I don't understand why they are forcing me to see you.

DR. SHRINK: Well, they feel that...

GREGORY: I don't give a damn what they feel! How about how I feel? They are making me look like such a jerk by advertising that I am seeing a shrink. Tell me the truth, Doc, are they going to fire me?

DR. SHRINK: Well, they did say they stand behind you so just lie there on the couch and tell me your thoughts.

GREGORY: That's what they tell everybody before they fire them. And since Meet The Press has fallen from a strong first place to a dismal third since I've been there, I think my days there are numbered. 

DR. SHRINK: I can assure you that...

(David Gregory interrupts by screaming with a wide frightened look in his eyes.)



GREGORY (pointing ahead): If thou art privy to my network fate, Oh speak!

DR. SHRINK: David, who are you talking to?

GREGORY: To him! He has haunted me ever since I replaced him. He who is irreplaceable.

DR. SHRINK: You mean...

GREGORY: The ultimate Buffalo Bills fan. I just can't get him out of my mind.

DR. SHRINK: Perhaps we should meet him head on via hypnosis.

GREGORY: Anything to keep him from haunting me.

(Dr. Shrink holds up a medallion in front of Gregory and swings it back and forth.)

DR. SHRINK: Look closely at this Walter Cronkite Journalism Award medallion.

GREGORY: Where did you get that?

DR. SHRINK: Ronan Farrow won it after being on MSNBC for about five minutes. He gave it to me as a gift since he is also getting a David Brinkley Journalism Award for living through birth and doesn't really need it.

GREGORY: It isn't working. I don't feel hypnotized.

DR. SHRINK: Concentrate on Uncle Walt's moustache. Watch it very carefully as it goes back and forth...back and forth...

(Gregory's eyes start to close.)

GREGORY: I'm sleepy... Feeling sleepier...

DR. SHRINK: Good! Now go back in time a few years until you see...


DR SHRINK: You see him?

GREGORY: Yes! Tim Russert! It is so wonderful to see him again. We are in a D.C. Restaurant and he is at a table with me.

DR. SHRINK: Ask him for some advice about...


DR. SHRINK: Why are you yelling at him?

GREGORY: I'm not yelling at Tim. I'm shouting at the lousy lowlife waitress who completely messed up my order of foie gras. Hey! Idiot! I ordered Pacific Ocean fleur de sel for my seasoning, not Atlantic! How can you be so stupid you...

DR. SHRINK: David, don't waste your time on the waitress. You need to ask Tim for advice on how to improve your show performance.

GREGORY: I can't. Tim just grabbed me by my coat lapel and shoved my face into the spinach dip.

DR. SHRINK: But can you get some advice from him?

GREGORY: “Don't be a damn shmuck!” That's what he is yelling at me.

DR. SHRINK: What else?

GREGORY: Nothing else. Getting that spinach dip in my eyes broke the hypnotic spell and now he is gone.

DR. SHRINK: Maybe Tim was right. The horrible way you treat your staff is because you act like a shmuck.

GREGORY: No, that can't possibly be right. My staff loves me. Why my “Meet The Press” producer, Chris Donovan, who was with Tim is also sticking with me. That shows you how loyal my people are.

DR. SHRINK: Um, David. I got a text message a little while ago that Donovan quit your show. Who can blame him the way you treat your staff like dirt?

GREGORY: Don't put this on me. I've long known my staff has been undermining my authority. For example, I was planning an office party and noticed some strawberry ice cream was missing from the freezer. Now I knew there was a duplicate key to the freezer and that all I had to do to track down the culprit was to find that key. I knew that they laughed at me behind my back and mocked me but the key, ah, that's where I had them! I proved with geometric logic that a duplicate key to the freezer existed and uh....

(No sound in the room for a long time except for the clicking of metal balls in Gregory's hand.)

DR. SHRINK: David, I think our session is over.

GREGORY: But what about my job? Will I be able to stay on as host of “Meet The Press?”

DR. SHRINK: I can assure you that NBC stands behind you. You will definitely be able to keep your job when you come back after you spend a very long time to be with your family.


Anonymous Mr. Anonymous said...

Is it just me or does David Gregory seem an awful lot like TrogTheTroll?

11:18 AM  
Anonymous troglaman said...

David Gregory?

He's sooooooo psychological...and rude to boot!!

You guys are the biggest bunch of pussies walking the face of the earth. David fucking Gregory. Jesus.

Having established the "Interrupts/Talks Over" standard, PJinc should remember that Rush, Sean, Billo, etc. eat Gregory's ass every day in that category.

And PJinc gets all freaked out because hyper-thug, Da Greg, interrupts and talks over.

Deal with it.

You're a frigging pixie-assed, sparkle-pony pussie, PJinc. My inner-homo has (nauseating as it is) become interested.

Thanks a whole hell of alot.

1:00 AM  
Anonymous Ed Schultz's scrotum said...


It took you three weeks to come up with that tired line of shopworn bullshit? Maybe you should consider letting your inner homo run the show for the next few months. Could be mildly entertaining.

1:39 PM  
Anonymous Jerome Goolsby said...

Ed Schultz's scrotum said...


It took you three weeks to come up with that tired line of shopworn bullshit? Maybe you should consider letting your inner homo run the show for the next few months. Could be mildly entertaining.

You expect something better from a linguini spined twit like Troglaman, The Sick Perverted Clone of William Rivers Pitt???

After spending time washing down LSD with straight EVERCLEAR, you're lucky Guttersnipe say ANYTHING remotely intelligent.

12:35 AM  
Anonymous troglaman said...

"It took you three weeks to come up with that tired line of shopworn bullshit?" scrotal

Shopworn? Au contraire, mon ami! I am the ONLY one calling you all a bunch of flabby, fairyassed, inner-homo love-muffins. Who else does that but me, troglaman?

Those comments are freshly picked daisies. Not shopworn bullshit.

Do I note a hint of psychology in your remarks, scrotal?

11:43 PM  
Anonymous Ed Schultz's scrotum said...

Those comments are freshly picked daisies."

More like a dead skunks along the sides of roads.

12:58 PM  
Anonymous troglaman said...

"More like a dead skunks along the sides of roads" (scrotal's into plurals...which is a great name for a song)

I believe the saying is "Dead skunk in the middle of the fucking road". The reason you bring it up is because of a song by Loudon Wainwright III. Clever twist, scrotal.

Why, you ask? Because it's archtypical. Everybody has some vague connection to a dead skunk in the middle (or sides) of the road, right?

There's some kick-ass psychology going on here, my friends. SCROTAL IS INVOLKING ARCHTYPES!!!

Let's be plain. Scrotal is a goddamn Jungian. Be warned.

You're welcome.

1:42 AM  
Anonymous ed schultz's ear wax said...

"Crossing the road in the middle of night, he didn't look left, he didn't look right. He didn't see the station wagon car. It squashed him flat and there you are. You got a dead skunk in the middle of the road...and he's stinking to high heaven."

It's from memory but I think it's right. Ole Louden is clearly dealing in metaphors..or similes...or archetypes, I'm not sure which.

But we all know the smell of a dead skunk in the morning, especially when it's your car that squashed him. But do you love the smell of skunk in the morning, does it smell like victory?

Anyway, it's just a way of saying troggy's ideas stink.

P.S. you spelled archetype wrong.

3:06 PM  
Anonymous Mr. Anonymous said...

Well, that makes this about a two-week bender, TrogTheTroll...even for you that has to be a record.

Fucking idiot.

3:15 PM  
Anonymous The JUDGE said...

Troglatwit is a pathetic excuse for a human being.

8:47 PM  
Anonymous troglaman said...

"Ole Louden is clearly dealing in metaphors..or similes...or archetypes, I'm not sure which." scrotal

You brought it up. So what is it for you, scrotal? Obviously a metaphor because you say "Anyway, it's just a way of saying troggy's ideas stink."

OK. You're using a metaphor you tricky bastard (thanks for the spelling lesson btw). Simply more evidence that you're using PSYCHOLOGY. You, your scrotal self, admit that you were calling to mind what we conniving libs like to call a "three-way". Let me refresh your memory -

"metaphors..or similes...or archetypes"

Hmmmm. The psychological Holy Trinity of Deception, Control, and Ultimate Domination.

Scrotal is among you, my friends. Admittedly using psychology. Shouldn't you guys go burn a cross on his lawn or something? What the fuck is wrong with you guys these days?

12:23 AM  
Anonymous Jerome Goolsby said...

Foaming at the mouth and howling like a banshee while power-slamming his head repeatedly up his ass, TROGLAMAN - The Sick Perverted Clone of William Rivers Pitt - spewed out huge piles of worthless mental excrement....

Looks like someone got a very bad dose of LSD to go with their EVERCLEAR....Guttersnipe is making even less sense than usual and that's not good.

1:41 AM  
Anonymous The ULTIMATE Man said...

Evidently Troglafuck has lied so much about so many things so often that it has combined with either his alcoholism and/or drug addiction to permanently fry some sections of his brain...and he hasn't got a lot of functional brain to lose.

FOAD Troglafuck....

5:55 PM  
Anonymous troglaman said...

"Evidently Troglafuck has lied so much about so many things so often..." Tummy

I never lie. I'm pretty confident about that, you fucking douchebag.

It comes down to telling me what I lie about. Which none of you can ever do...other than knee-jerk and idiotic claims I'm a liar.

Dare you. Can you quote one troglamatic lie? One?

Nope. That has to count for something, doesn't it?

1:30 AM  
Anonymous The ULTIMATE Man said...

Of course you never think you lie, Troglafuck....that would require that you know the truth and understand reality. You're too fucking dishonest to comprehend the truth and too drunk/stupid/gutless/stoned/crazy to deal with reality.

As for lies:

"You guys are the biggest bunch of pussies walking the face of the earth." - Troglfuck, the lying racist fucked up fucking fuckwad.

That will do as a minor lie. I'm not going to waste my time fishing around for your bullshit, Troglafuck, since half the fucking time you either don't remember what you said or act like you didn't say it.

FOAD Troglafuck, you lying racist fucked fucking fuckwad.

7:43 PM  
Anonymous The Phantom Stranger said...

Since the Troglaman cannot comprehend reality its understanding of truth is nebulous and capricious at best. It functions in a fantasy world inaccessible by others because of the Troglaman's self-delusional behaviors. It believes no one can prove it lies because it has constructed a private universe where lies are truth and reality. As it is incapable of coherent function in the real world, the Troglaman cannot be engaged in any sort of meaningful dialog except on the lowest possible intellectual level.

11:33 PM  
Anonymous Mr. Anonymous said...

I see TrogTheTroll is going for record....nearly a three week bender. Can't this jackass can't be sober and function.

12:13 PM  
Anonymous troglaman said...

"As for lies..."You guys are the biggest bunch of pussies walking the face of the earth." - Troglfuck, the lying racist fucked up fucking fuckwad (in other words, We Are NOT Big Pussies)" - TroglaTummy

THIS is what the Tummymeister pulls out of his vast pile of trogla-info as The Big Lie.

Let's do a pussie study, shall we?

Let's say you approach a bonifide pussy and shout YOU'RE A BIG FUCKING PUSSY.

A real pussy would respond with:

A). I am NOT a big fucking pussy


B). **Subject not responding except for a steely glare**

Which are you, TummyTuck? What am I lying about?

1:52 AM  
Anonymous krazy kat aka said...

Okay, we've reached the level of middle school playground invective. Time to fold the tent and steal away.

3:16 PM  
Anonymous Jerome Goolsby said...

Watching TROGLAMAN - The Sick Perverted Clone of William Rivers Pitt - howl like a mad dog while alternating chugging straight EVERCLEAR with power-slamming his head repeatedly up his ass.

You're right Krazy Kat...I'll be glad to help you fold the tent.

4:15 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

May 7th, that was a month ago. Have the DUmmies been unfunny?

12:46 PM  
Anonymous The JUDGE said...

Anonymous said...

May 7th, that was a month ago. Have the DUmmies been unfunny?

Lately they've been a lot more vicious and insane than funny. Just look at Troglatwit's comments on this thread.

9:54 PM  
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