"Hilly Bob Clinton's 'Slingblade' Performance in Selma Yesterday"

This is an unusual DUmmie FUnnies edition in that, for a change, I am laughing WITH the DUmmies, not AT them. This is one of those rare instances where the DUmmies have INTENTIONALLY come up with some FUnnie material starting with the THREAD title, "Hilly Bob Clinton's 'Slingblade' Performance in Selma Yesterday," in which Hillary is compared to the character of Karl in the movie Sling Blade. What set this DUmmie thread off was Hillary's pandering Southern Fried accent in a speech that she DELIVERED in Selma the other day. Of course, one big difference between Sling Blade Karl and Hillary is that the latter spoke with a phony accent. On a personal note, I liked that Sling Blade movie so much that I was doing Karl impressions for several weeks after viewing it. For example, at fast food restaurants, I would affect a Karl voice and say, " I like them French fried potaters." On top of that, I had a friend from Mississippi who looked (with longer hair) and sounded EXACTLY like Karl. And what was especially hilarious is that my friend's name was...Carl. It just cracked me up. I kept begging Carl to see Karl in Sling Blade but I don't think he ever did but the guy kept me laughing because he AUTHENTICALLY looked and sounded like Sling Blade Karl. Well, enough of my personal Sling Blade anecdote. Let us now proceed to let the DUmmies entertain us with Hilly Bob Clinton Sling Blade laugh lines in Bolshevik Red while the commentary of your humble correspondent, busy pouring mustard on his potaters, is in the [brackets]:

Hilly Bob Clinton's "Slingblade" Performance in Selma Yesterday

[Mmm-hmm!]


"I like them French fried potaters," Billy Bob Thornton grunted in Slingblade:

['Specially French fried potaters covered with mustard.]

Ever since I heard her painful attempt to do justice to that hymn yesterday afternoon, I've been trying to remember what the hell it reminded me of. A short while ago, it hit me like a ton of bricks. Slingblade. Billy Bob Thornton.

[And remember, I knew a REAL life Carl (Karl). My Mississippi friend who sounds and looks EXACTLY like Sling Blade Karl. He is married to another friend, the Purple-Haired Lady, who sells rock posters at events all around South Florida. The Purple-Haired Lady has a bit of an Anger Management problem. Once a woman I knew wanted to find the Purple-Haired Lady at a show because she wanted to buy some posters. I told her to listen for a voice screaming at Carl. She looked at me quizzically but hours later laughingly told me that I was exactly right. She actually did hear the screams in the distance of the Purple-Haired Lady cursing out Carl at the show and just followed the sounds of the curses to the source to find her rock poster stand. Oh, I should mention that Carl also has a few Sling Blade moments of his own whenever he can't take it any longer. Fortunately it isn't quite as violent as the Sling Blade in the movie but it is enough cause him to spend a night or two in the cooler.]

"Reckon you make me some biscuits," Billy Bob's character muttered.

If Hillary had been reported to have said the same thing at supper after church yesterday, I wouldn't have been surprised.

[Hilly Bob Clinton also wields a Sling Blade against her political enemies.]

Her policy stances - for the most part - endear her to me. She has a smart, capable staff on the Hill.

But this cornball schtick offends. For those who are saying the right wing is predictable for making fun of her, I say: nobody on the right wing could have predicted her staff would ever let her get past the first rehearsal of this speech - assuming, of course, that even a single member grew up in the South. (Carville doesn't count; for "cornball," he's tone deaf.)

[The Vast Rightwing Conspiracy has a mole on the Hillary team who told her that cornball speech sounded terrific in rehearsal.]

"Coffee makes me nervous when I drink it. Mmm," said Billy Bob.

Not as nervous as Hillary's forays south of the Mason-Dixon ought to make Democrats with one eye on the Electoral College tally for 08.

[Somehow I don't think Southerners are going to warm up to a panderer who does impressions of them that make them sound like ignorant hicks. Even Sling Blade Karl wouldn't vote for her.]

I really, really, really like Hillary's policy stances. But the carpetbagger fauxcent has got to go. If the event or venue demands a Southern accent, let Bill go.

[Billy Bob Clinton is a much better panderer than Hillary.]

P.S. Jackie would *never* have done that, and neither would've Jack. When they came to rural, Appalachian, and Southern America, they were themselves. Anything else is inauthentic. As a Senator from the Northeast, Hillary probably wants to be more JFK, less Slingblade.

[I'm trying to picture Jackie doing a Sling Blade impression. Not with her hushed finishing school voice. Does not compute. And now on to the other DUmmie comments. Umm-hmm!]

Naahhh.... Billy Bob's Southern accent is way more authentic. Might be because he's actually from the South, though.

[True. Billy Bob is REALLY from Arkansas, and not by way of Chicago.]

I realize her heart was likely in the right place quoting those words from the hymnal. But the accent? Was that necessary?

[For the purposes of comedy...yes!]

When she got to the quote from the hymn, she launched into a pretty awful accent.

[Awfully FUnnie!]

How sad she faked an accent that way.

[How FUnnie she faked an accent that way.]

I Think Her Heart Was in the Right Place... I really do. But the execution was pretty horrendous.

[On the bright side, Hilly Bob was executing her electoral chances in the South.]

Ever hear Bill Clinton or Al Gore speak to a black church crowd?

[My fave is Algore. His shameless pander is the FUnnier than Billy Bob Clinton's shameless pander.]

Before you accuse me of being ill-intentioned for raising the concerns I raised, I'd ask you to ask yourself one question: did a wicked grin cross Karl Rove's face when he listened to her speech?

[Sling Blade Karl. Mmm-hmm!]

I'm Southern and heard her spiel first thing when I turned on the radio in the car on the way to work this morning: no context, no explanation, just something that, to me, sound like bigoted nails on an Appalachian chalkboard.

[You ought not talk that way. You just a boy.]

I Watched the Whole Thing, Live, and Even with the Context...it was jarring to the ear. If Hillary's campaign had forward-facing cameras (as any campaign worth its salt does nowadays), I think they'll see some winces, stifled smiles, and sudden covering of faces with fans and programs by many in the congregation. That reaction - if shown on the tape - should be shown to her, honestly and forthrightly. I formed my opinion live, while watching, without a single talking head telling me that it was a faux pas. You're absolutely right: the South contains many swing voters, and there is no need to lose any of those swing voters out of a misunderstanding.

[I learned to read some. I read the Bible quite a bit. I can't understand all of it, but I reckon I understand a good deal of it. Them stories you and Mama told me ain't in there. You ought not done that to your boy. I studied on killing you. Studied on it quite a bit. But I reckon there ain't no need for it if all you're gonna do is sit there in that chair. You'll be dead soon enough and the world 'll be shut of ya. You ought not killed my little brother, he should've had a chance to grow up. He woulda had fun some time.]

When my husband wants to freak me out he starts doing the Sling Blade impersonation - "uuuuuhhh huuuuuhhh".

[Mmm-hmm!]

When the grey matter finally spat out the answer this evening after dinner, I groaned. And then I laughed at the absurdity of the thought of SNL doing a Hillary meets Billy Bob.

[Well, let me think... I was thinkin' I could use me another couple cans'o that potted meat if ya got any extree.]

What about Obama's sudden Southern accent yesterday? and, unlike Hillary, he's never even lived in the South.

[Was Obama's speech "befoah" or after Hilly Bob's pander?]

I was going to ask the same thing regarding Obama, why isn't he being criticized and he never lived in the south yet Hillary did and she's the one that gets the criticism.

[Because Obama has a black father while Hillary Bob has only a first black president husband.]

Part of what I found so jarring about Hillary's segue into that accent was its incongruity with the rest of the speech. By contrast, Obama picked an oratory style, and stuck with it throughout.

[Obama was consistent in his pander throughout his speech.]

It was cringe-inducing.

[It was laugh-inducing.]

But she has got to have people on her staff who can say, "Nuh-uh. That doesn't work."

["Mmm-hmm. That don't work."]

Hillary as Zelig? will she affect a brogue with Irish-Americans?

[According to the news of their latest pander attempt, both Hilly Bob and Obama are trying to sound like Jackie Mason.]

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