DUmmie FUnnies 05-10-05 ("Karl Rove has failed the Republican Party")

If there is one person who is considered a Boogyman by the denizens of the nether regions of Dummieland, it is none other than Karl Rove. Until now they have assigned Rove mystical powers of political manipulation and intrigue. In moments of honesty, they even wish they had such a political genius on their side. Therefore, I found it strange to see this DUmmie THREAD titled, “Karl Rove has failed the Republican Party.” Uh, yeah sure. And we could use a few more of such Karl Rove “failures.” Therefore let us view this new amusing DUmmie proposition blared out in Bolshevik Red while the commentary of your humble correspondent, wishing that I had a Karl Rove on my team to propose my DUmmie FUnnies book (with CD-ROM insert for related comix stories) deal to Mary Matalin, is in the [brackets]:

Karl Rove has failed the Republican Party.

[Delusional statement of the year but continue with the laughs, DUmmie writer…]

Here's a man who relies on the quick fix for a quick victory, yet fails to plan long-term. Actually, the way he maneuvers elections resembles someone who cares very little for the RNC and more for his personal scoreboard. He's like shopping at Target: a shiny vase for your mantle that looks nice for a few months, yet cracks not too soon later. He barks loudly, but this dog has been castrated. Weak. Only a few bites to his record. His personal attacks speak of his shallow ego.

[Only a few “bites” like electoral victories in 2000, 2003, and 2004. But continue with your standup routine, DUmmie writer…]


This man is merely a political misfit. Callow. Yellow. He barely won two national elections. At this point he is no threat to anyone but himself. Let the fool fall on his own sword.

[2004 election was not a barely won election but I bet you DUmmies are desperate for ANY kind of win such as the stolen gubernatorial win in Washington state. Anyway, if Karl Rove is no threat to you guys, I guess you can just relax and rest upon your electoral laurels…uh, I mean weeds.]

that's 2 more than us...he is still a threat

[And DUmmie Harpo wins a Kewpie doll for having a brief moment of mental clarity!]

The guy barely won. His wins were more happenstance than victories. There was no real "electioneering" here. Just gay sex and the ghost of 9/11. The man can't win fairly because the man doesn't have the right picnic equipment to do so. His mind is as emasculate as the rest of him. We will win in 2006, because just as Bush is fading, Karl is fading. His days will soon be over.

[Thanx, DUmmie writer for your excellent attempt at lulling the DUmmies into a state of false confidence. We will remember you when Road Runner Rove once again goes “BEEP! BEEP!” while leaving the DUmmie Coyote in the dust.]

I would disagree again...you only have to barely win, the edge is who...has a great closing game as in chess. Some people are great openers, some are great middle game people, and some are great closers! I think Rove has 2 of the 3 mastered at this point.

[And Rove is great at doing a #3.]

No. It means that Karl Rove has dumped the pieces off the chessboard because he can't win fairly. He never has won fairly. He doesn't know how to win fairly. He is weak, and quite frankly, I'm not all that impressed with his tiny little "victories." They have no longevity beyond 2004. The man is a gelding.

[Keep pushing that theme DUmmie writer. It is all part of Karl Rove’s Master Plan.]

that dog still has balls and he's going to be using them well into 2008. Rove is one of the best and most dangerous political minds of this generation. he's not someone to be taken lightly

[No. No. Listen to DUmmie writer. You have nothing to worry about from Karl Rove. The next election will be so easy for you that you can sleepwalk to victory.]

The dog only bites balls because he doesn't have the brains to win fairly. Before Bush, what were Karl's successes? None. This weak politician barely won two elections for Bush. He's nothing. In 10 years, he will be a nobody. And that's how we should view him.

[“Has-Been” Rove is so ineffective that he is only picking your next nominee in ‘08---Hillary.]

He barely won two national elections......stole both

[ALL your Diebolds belong to Rove!]

They weren't exactly overwhelming victories, were they? Bush slipped from 80% approval ratings to just below 50% before his so-called "reelection." That's Karl's handiwork. Had he played his cards straight, Bush would have maintained better standings and a more assured victory. His near wins are signs of weak strategy. Karl spends his time chasing his own tail. Don't believe the hype.

[Okay DUmmie writer. I just have to ask this: Are you a LOUSY FREEPER TROLL???]

Underestimating Rove is Like Underestimating Ghengis Khan. Rove is tough, he practices politics like the USC Trojans run their ground game -- tough, fast, strong, and right into the opposition's teeth. Rove's strategy of running right at the opposing candidate's strength is "smash mouth" -- ideal for college football metaphors. It takes nerve, toughness, balls and time in the weight room. The old college football saw: "Passing teams compete for bowl games. Running teams compete for the National Championship." Rove's got two National Championships now. He'll be back with a new team next time, and he ain't changing his playbook.

[Correction: Underestimating Rove is like underestimating Chimpus Khan.]

Rove's Championships are built on a house of cards. 9/11 and gay sex. And neither championship was decisive. He is a weak political player who is fading into obscurity along with Bush. This castrated dog is all bark.

[Listen to DUmmie writer. Remember, you folks have Mary Beth Cahill on your team. You can’t go wrong with her. Oh, and don’t forget about Bob Shrum. The guy is UNBEATABLE!]

Karl Rove's electioneering has no longevity. He's fading away faster than Bush can say "Karlyouhavenoballs." A couple of near wins based on 9/11 and gay sex is weak, ephemeral strategy.

[Great lullaby tune there DUmmie writer:
Go to sleep.
Go to sleep, little DUmmies.
Have no fears.
Baddie Karl is not near.]

By the way, occasionally we see a gifted roll-out passer from the Southeast Conference, like Jim Carville. Where is he now, when we need him most?

[Hopefully Carville is whispering into his wife’s ear that the DUmmie FUnnies book (with CD-ROM insert for related comix stories) would be a HUGE bestseller.]

Karl Rove is not successful. Karl Rove wouldn't be successful without 9/11. And even with that event, he barely won reelection for Bush. That's sad and pathetic.

[I bet Kerry wishes to hell that he barely won.]

Bill Clinton never could have won in 2004. Never. But... he just might win again in 2008.

[They can add a new constitutional amendment in that brief time?]

You Mean Hillary? I love her too, but I don't think she'll ever be president.

[Which Karl Rove well knows which is why he will be making Hillary your ’08 nominee.]

Might be Hillary, might be someone else...But only these dark times have permitted Karl any sense of "victory." Otherwise, he's meaningless. WE WILL WIN AGAIN!

[No “might” about it. Your nominee, chosen by Karl Rove, WILL be Hillary which is why YOU WON’T WIN AGAIN!]

The man he works for has had two of the most ideologically successful presidencies since Kennedy, or even FDR. To use a corporate simile, he has successfully marketed the Republican brand, including spokesman George W. Bush, to the American people, et al.

[LOUSY FREEPER TROLL!!!]

Eventually, we know both Rove and the RW will overplay their hands. But what a DISGUSTING FASCIST DARK ERA until the pendulum swings back!

[There is NO escape from the Perfect Rovian Storm!]

He is enemy #1. He is the one who plans on being around for the next 20 years. If he can convince us to ignore him..then 'his guy' can get election (by a squeak) again. They will just replace George with jeb or with McCain or Arnold. Bush is a lame duck. Rove is not. We should keep Rove front and centre. Rove is dangerous. He got a shallow, prissy, dyslexic, businessly incapable of success, asshole elected president once. And he got this same lame-ass the presidency the first time by judicial activism. If he did it once, he can do it again. He is the master - architect. Remember how everyone had to bow down to him after the last election?

[BOW before the might of our Dark Lord Rove!]

Don’t underestimate the Drunken Monkey. Bush is the drunken monkey, and Rove’s guidance over the years is largely responsible for that. You laugh at his stumbling swipes until he starts to strike you and break your bones. The biggest mistake one can make is underestimating this political machine. Appearance aside they are smarter than you are, more dedicated, more resourceful and better connected. They have every advantage. And you forget that Rove’s history is much longer than the last two elections. Politics is not a vacuum, and Texas politics is a real contact sport. Do you think for a moment if Rove was such a lightweight he would have been able to get Bush the governorship from the popular Ann Richards? Even considering the last two elections, you are leaving out some of Rove’s sharpest skills. Think about the brutal primary fight with John McCain. Or the Swift boat attack ads of the previous election. Rove goes after an opponent’s strength, not weakness. This is disorienting even to skilled politicians (it totally immobilized the Kerry campaign for a time) and he makes his opponents afraid to differentiate themselves or bring party stars forward. It actually stunts the growth of democratic opposition. This is why, with rare exceptions, Democrats seem shrunken in stature to Republicans in the passion of their stance on issues or ideology in many elections. The point you are missing is that sometimes, simple and brutal works fine. He’s capable of more, of course, as his political career has shown over the years, but he’s got no problem with using the right tool for the job even if it’s a club with a nail in it. Sizing up the current political landscape, it seems he was right.

[The Drunken Monkey and our Dark Lord Rove thank you for that moving tribute. Don’t forget to stand in awe of the Mighty Rove’s powers in ’08 when he chooses YOUR nominee---Hillary.]

Rove is pathetic, in my opinion. Either we decide that he's a genius and weaken at the knees at his alleged "gift," or we see him for what he is - a small man on stilts.

[Believe in the latter…at your own risk.]