Wednesday, March 23, 2005

DUmmie FUnnies 03-23-05 (DUmmie Looking For HUbbie For Sister)

Perhaps I am exaggerating a bit in the title where I suggested that DUmmie Plaid Adder is looking for a HUbbie for her sister. “Significant Other” would be a more precise term. Anyway, if some woman has all the great qualities that DUmmie Plaid Adder has listed in this DUmmie THREAD titled, “Single men of DU: Help Solve One of the Great Unanswered Questions,” there must be some important REAL reason why her sister keeps getting shunned by men. Perhaps, we can act in an Ann Landers mode to come up with a romantic solution for DUmmie Plaid Adder’s wallflower sister. As usual, the DUmmie moanings are in Bolshevik Red while the commentary of your humble correspondent, watching this romantic tale of woe unravel, is in the [brackets]:

OK, this rant is on behalf of my sister, who I just finished talking to on the phone one more time about the sad state of her love life. It is one of the great mysteries of existence, as far as I'm concerned, that my sister is still single. She's 33, and she's got everything going for her--great personality, great sense of humor, very outgoing and engaging, intelligent, always very well put together, very interesting job, *and* she is also very attractive even as defined by our pitiably narrow-minded mainstream culture.

[True. It is sad that the men of our pitiably narrow-minded mainstream culture are overly interested in mere looks…. Hooter size?]

From a market economics standpoint, she's a much hotter commodity than I am. And yet, I hit the jackpot at 19, and she just can't get started. Probably part of this had to do with her spending a lot of her 20s in Manhattan, which is apparently a wasteland when it comes to relationships. However, she also seems to have run into this depressing pattern which keeps repeating itself:

[Manhattan. I actually had a female distant relative who dumped her HUbbie for relatively trivial reasons and then moved to Manhattan for the great single life…which meant sitting in her tiny apartment all weekend since almost all the Manhattan men available to her were either drug addicts or the otherly gendered.]

1) Sister of Plaidder hits it off with a guy who also seems to really like her.

2) S.O.P. and the guy hang out a lot, maybe go out a few times, perhaps "hook up" at some point ("hooking up" apparently involves intimate activity and occasionally sleeping over but not actual sex).

3) Guy eventually sits S.O.P. down and says look, I really like you, but I'm not good enough for you/I have commitment issues/you don't want to be involved with me anyway, I have all these problems/bottom line is I don't want a relationship with you.

4) S.O.P has to forget this guy and go looking for another one.

[5) S.O.P. hooks up with steve 2470 and attends a Yanni concert.]

So what is it? I'm a lesbian, I've only ever had the one relationship, I don't know about these things. Are these guys completely lying when they hit step #3? Or are they telling the truth, and if so, why are they all so chickenshit? Why can't these guys she's meeting tell a good thing when they see it?

[Have you considered that S.O.P. is also of the lesbian persuasian?]

Why would a swine pass up the chance to date my sister? She's hot, and if he really didn't want to be involved long-term he could always dump her. I mean, are they so literally swinish that they can't get out of the mud long enough to make a passable effort, or what?

[Perhaps that swine is two timing with DUmmie Faye.]

have you read Erica Jong?
I think that is the "author" of "Fear of Flying" and "Fear of Fifty". I do not remember if it is the latter book or an interview where she said something like "sexy men are usually not faithful". They have no reason to be, since they are always getting new offers. If I was sexy, I probably would be the same way, who is to say? Also, I am fairly sure that "hooking up" is supposed to involve sex. If it does not with SOP, then such "virtue" could be a turn-off, particularly to a guy who is likely to get other offers from "easier" women, and maybe they are "virtuous" enough to not want to hurt a "nice" girl.

[Looking to Erica Jong for dating advice means digging yourself deeper into the hell that is your social life.]

They may be lying or telling the truth, but the basic kernel of it is they don't value your sister socially, sexually, or intellectually.

[Perhaps they will value her financially if she foots all their bills.]

it's probably a combo of things

1- lying males

2- just the wrong men

3- conceivably, they've been gay and have wanted to try out the other side.

Women like your sis have to kiss a lot of toads before they meet the right one. Ditto for high quality men.

[Including having to kiss a toad like you, steve2470.]

Is your sister unconsciously sabotaging herself in some way? I'm not saying she is, but it has been known to happen.

[Perhaps she should lay off gargling with garlic juice before each date.]

She needs to hook up with REALLY younger guy about 21 or 22, for about three months, go to Central America with him, live on a beach, surf, eat mangoes. Dump him and then find some "nice guy" to settle down with.

[Only problem with that dopey plan is that the REALLY younger guy will dump S.O.P. about 10 minutes after hitting Costa Rica. Too many hot senoritas down there looking for American guys.]

Agree, she needs to go out with much younger guys for a while.

[The Mary Kay Letourneau strategy.]

Have some fun, losen up, try to maybe not shopping list the relationship. Make sure she goes to places where she is seen by the older guys with younger ones. Ignore the ones in her age group when at parties, and make it obvious she is not interested in the 30's group. The 30's guys will see her having fun with the younger dudes, and they will persue…

[…the younger guys she is going out with.]

Your sister will have fun, because alot of young guys would love to be with her.
Downside, she will be footing some bills. Dinners, drinks, you know, the stuff the younger wilder guys are not adept at yet.

[I believe such younger wilder guys are formally known as gigolos.]

I would love to meet her and report back to you on my findings.

[“Angry. Depressed. Psychotic. Delusional. Bad body odor. And UGLY as hell.”]

She's being a "jerk magnet"
Attracting the wrong kind of guy, or going after the wrong kind. BTW, where I'm from, "hooking up" means "hooking up", like putting the "plug" in the "jack"? Not just sleeping over and heavy petting.

[Putting the “plug” in the “jack?” I think such terminology is childish. Dr. Ruth recommends we say what we really mean which, in this case, would be putting the sausage in the roll.]

Sounds like she's attracted to closeted gay men.

[BINGO! The Liza Minelli Syndrome, only in Liza’s case the men aren’t closeted.]

Could the intimate activity but "not having actual sex" part be putting these guys off?

[Nope. It the “having actual sex” part that is putting those “guys” off.]


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