Thursday, February 16, 2006

DUmmie FUnnies 02-16-06 ("So I just went for a job interview at Subway")

Okay, so I admit that this edition of the DUmmie FUnnies isn't as earth shattering as the non-stories about Buckshot Cheney but I find it an AMUSING example of the utter divorce from reality possessed by most DUmmies. Picture the scene. You go for a job interview for a FAST FOOD job and you're really going to sweat over whether you get the job or not? Of course not. All you really need to get a fast food job is warm blood flowing through your veins. And even if you don't get that particular fast food job, there are TONS of other such jobs out there desperately looking for people to fill them. Therefore I got a hearty laugh out of this DUmmie THREAD titled, "So I just went for a job interview at Subway." I think there are MBAs out there who sweat less over getting a CEO job at a major corporation than DUmmie Massacure did over this fast food job at Subway.

On a personal note, I was once on my way to a job interview when I suddenly decided that I just didn't want the job. However, since I was almost at the scheduled interview I decided to just go ahead with it and act like a complete goof so they wouldn't offer me a job that I didn't want. Anyway, I was TOTALLY RELAXED at the interview since I wasn't really sweating getting a job I wasn't going to take. At the interview I launched into a long stream of conciousness comedy routine talking about anything and everything except about the job. The two interviewers were completely amused from this break from their normally dull interview routine and began laughing which inspired me into even more stories. I believe the "interview" (read "comedy routine"} lasted for over an hour. Astoundingly they actually offered me the job which, in the middle of laughing, I turned down but in such a way that set off both interviewers into another laughing fit. However, I don't think I laughed as much that day as when I read this DUmmie account of his Subway job interview which is now presented to my DUFU audience in Bolshevik Red while the commentary of your humble correspondent, who had a footlong Subway meatball sandwich for supper on Tuesday night, is in the [brackets]:

I just went for a job interview at Subway

[Yes, do tell us about the hair raising job interview for a fast food job, DUmmie massacure...]

It lasted less than ten minutes. It seemed to have gone well, the owner seemed very nice. He asked me about myself so I told him that I was a high school senior with a 3.5 GPA and I was looking for a job so that I could earn money for college. I told him I lived close so that Subway was a good candidate. Then he asked me about the activities I listed on the application, ecology and spanish club. I told him about what I do, especially being the treasurer. He told me that he just got back from Mexico last week, and I asked him if he enjoyed himself, saying he did. Then he asked how many years of Spanish I took; I told him four. He asked if I knew anybody who worked there, I told him the name of someone who works there who was in my Spanish II class. Then he asked when I could I start, which I said as soon as possible. He asked if I would object to working at either of his two other subways he owns and I told him that I would work at those too because I had a car. He then thanked me, and I thanked him for the interview, then I left.

[Uh-Oh. The fact that you didn't take calculus in High School might be a strike against you, DUmmie Massacure. Okay, a knowledge of Spanish is a definite plus but what about the fact that you don't speak a word of Laotian? Anyway, continue with your high stress account of the Subway job interview...]

I think I represented myself well, but the Subway is next to my school, and I couldn't help but look at the school when I was talking about my clubs. I had eye contact with the owner for the other 2/3 of the time, but that wasn't the first third and first impressions are key. I'm kind of embarrassed about that. I'm also kind of worried about the interview only lasting 10 minutes. Is that normal for a fast food place?

[You moved your eyes away from the Subway owner to glance at your school for a moment, DUmmie Massacure? Well, that does it. If I had been that Subway owner, I would have thrown your ass out of that job interview right then and there. No wonder you are sweating bullets (or birdshot) over this job interview. If you lose out on a great start to your career, you have only yourself to blame for momentarily glancing away from the Subway owner. Okay, now that we have your sad confessional, let us hear from the rest of the DUmmies who are equally divorced from reality.]

sounds like you did fine. My interviews usually didn't take too long either (I scheduled them every 30 minutes)

[Yeah but were your job interviews for something as important as employment at Subway? Remember, sandwich handling is a high stress job. Only the special few are qualified to undergo the rigors of this job.]

when can you start? Is always a really good sign.

[Actually NOT a good start. This is the typical sign of a brushoff.]

It sounds to me like you did a great job. You answered all of his questions and certainly seemed enthusiastic and qualified. I think you'll get hired.....sending good vibes.

[I think that quick break of eye contact to glance at his school is pretty much a deal killer for DUmmie Massacure.]

I think have great qualifications and he sees that he has a winner here. You are young and as you get older and have more experiences, you will get better. Life is a learning process. You started off just fine.

[Great qualifications? Are you nuts? What about DUmmie Massacure's utter lack of calculus training plus his horrible inability to speak a word of Laotian?]

Now comes the hard part. You actually will have to do that job.

[WORK! < /maynard g. krebs>]

10 minutes is normal if they feel they have a qualified candidate. He was probably relieved that someone applied who is actually a responsible young person.

[You're just trying to make DUmmie Massacure feel better when you really should be seeking out a psychological counselor for him to get over the dissapointment of losing out on that Subway sandwich developer job.]

The precise timing of eye-contact is not that important. You don't want him to think you're staring him down like he's prey. If I recall correctly, my entry-level job interviews (long long ago, for things like warehouse work) typically went for about 10 minutes, and I got the jobs. Fancy technical profesiional jobs; yeah, those can go for a couple of hours. But not for building sandwiches.

[No. This isn't for mere sandwich building. DUmmie Massacure applied to be a Sandwich Development Consultant at Subway. That food chain long ago ditched the outdated job title of "Sandwich Builder."]

Try to stay focused on your interviewer and not let your mind wander. Some managers may note that as a negative.

[That quick glance at his school is certainly a huge negative for DUmmie Massacure. No wonder he is now spending sleepless nights going over every detail of that Subway job interview.]

Basic second language is a plus for you for all of your life. Cultivate the skill. You will never regret it.

[Unfortunately, DUmmie Massacure is lacking in that critical THIRD language of Laotian.]

You did great.

[You're just saying that so that DUmmie Massacure will sneak you a free chocolate chip cookie for dessert if you happen to visit his Subway place of business for lunch.]

My son manages three Subways... I'd say your interview lasted about three times longer than most, judging from the stories he tells me.

[That would make the average Subway job interview last about 3 minutes 20 seconds. I'm surprised they last even that long. I would figure the owner would just ask if the interviewee could start right away and then wait for the "yes" or "no" answer. Totally elapsed time: less than a minute.]

I expect inside of a year you will be doing well at that company, I wouldn't be surprised if they try to groom you for shift management and additional responsibility.

[With due diligence, DUmmie Massacure might even make it to Sandwich Development Manager within 5 years.]

I'll take that as a compliment. I'm going to graduate high school with 16 college credits - 8 from Pre-Calculus and Calculus as well as 8 from the freshman English classes. I'm taking AP Physics, and if I do well on a standardized test, I can get some credits for that, though I'm not sure how many. I'm also sure I can get a few retroactive credits if I continue my Spanish.

[You fool! Why didn't you tell the Subway owner that you had taken calculus classes, DUmmie Massacure? That changes EVERYTHING! I recommend you call him up RIGHT AWAY and tell him about this even if it is in the early AM and you have to disturb his sleep. With luck he will overlook your lack of Laotian language ability and take you under consideration again. Call IMMEDIATELY. Your career as a Sandwich Development Consultant is at stake!]

Friends out in fast food land have told me that Subway
is a lot more mellow than being a line cook or counter drone at burger places. I have no idea why that is, because I've seen workers there really hustle during busy periods (there was one in the hospital where I worked, and when I didn't get it together to put lunch together...). Maybe it's the lack of a drive up window at most of them, who knows?

[Or possibly a lack of customers.]

My interview for my first job out of college....was less than ten minutes long. The guy just wanted to make sure I didn't have a mohawk or something.

[I guess he didn't mind the fact that your hair was purple or that you had a ring through your pierced nose. But of course, you weren't looking for a job as high level as a Sandwich Development Consultant.]


Anonymous Anonymous said...

I think you missed the mark with this one. He's just a kid and he doesn't know how to interview yet so he was nervous. Give him a break. At least he wants to earn an honest buck.

6:22 PM  
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9:21 PM  
Blogger Keaton said...

Ok, so I know this is a year old, but I could simply not believe what I read in that post. A kid applies for probably his first job and you redicule him, label him a "dummy" because he was nervous about it? I mean really, that is just stupid and cruel. I hope the people that interview you for jobs are just as big of a jerk you are, see how you like it. In fact, I hope you go to a subway, and you tell that cruel story of yours to the attendant, and he will sprinkle glass in your sandwich and you will slowly bleed to death as the glass tears your internal organs. My god, what do you do that is so important that you sit at your computer and make fun of a kid applying for his first job?!? Being a jerk you probably wont get far in life and you may end up working for that boy in 20 years time when he is into his career, and you will scratch your head thinking "why doesn't he like me? I'm a witty jerk that preys on children, I deserve a promotion". You only highlighted YOURSELF as the real dummy here, you prick.

1:15 PM  

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