Monday, March 12, 2007

Vampire Might Join Council On Foreign Relations

When one thinks about the Council On Foreign Relations, a bunch of scholarly policy wonks is usually envisioned. Therefore it is surprising to learn that a vampire has been nominated for a seat on that body. And the name of that vampire is Angelina Jolie. The most notable attribute of vampires is their fascination with blood and Angelina certainly is fascinated by blood to the point of wearing a vial of Billy Bob Thornton's blood around her neck while donating her own blood for her then hubby to wear. On top of that is her bizarre attraction to cutting herself:

"I collected knives and always had certain things around. For some reason, the ritual of having cut myself and feeling the pain, maybe feeling alive, feeling some kind of release, it was somehow therapeutic to me."

Added to her fascination with blood and cutting herself are the many ugly tattoos Angelina has covered herself with. Some of these tattoos, which you can see pictured above, are cult-like writings which sound like incoherent verses from the Book of Charlie Manson. So we have a bloodletter, self-mutilator, and general wacko who wants to join the Council On Foreign Relations. My response is "HUH?" Putting aside her vampirism, how is she qualified for this organization? The CFR is about relations between nations yet Angelina can't even have a normal relation with her own father, Jon Voight. In fact it is non-existent since she has shut him completely out of her life. Another family relationship is even more bizarre. It was seen by all when she gave her own brother a long deep tongue kiss onstage at the Academy Awards.

The most dangerous of Jolie's relationships might be with her current SO, Brad Pitt. Have you seen pics of them together recently? He looks like he has been taken hostage and has been subjected to Jolie mind control. Only intervention can deprogram him. And speaking of intervention, someone needs to intervene to save Brad's Talleywacker since if there is any celeb capable of following in the footsteps of Mrs. John Wayne Bobbitt, it is definitely Angelina. My suggestion to Brad is to place his vital organ into a Penis Protection Program before it is too late. Failing that, I would recommend that Brad at least wear a cast iron jockstrap while sleeping. If Angelina ever suspects that Brad is just thinking about splitting, he might end up looking for Mr. Wee Wee in a roadside ditch like John Wayne Bobbitt had to when the Mrs. got through performing her little operation.

Therefore I have no idea why the Council On Foreign Relations would even consider this vampire for membership. However, it sure is a great incentive for the CFR members not to fall asleep during their arcane meetings. You can never tell when Angelina might decide to cut, cut, CUT again.


Blogger 4thPointOfContact said...

What's worse is that this whacko has obtained the rights to Ayn Rand's Atlas Shrugged and is rumored to be making it into a film with her castrati-boy-toy Brad Pitt. Rand is probably rolling in her grave.

3:10 PM  
Blogger PJ-Comix said...

Brad Pitt will star in a new movie called, "Spank The 12, Make that 11, Monkeys."

3:52 PM  
Blogger Paul Heinzman said...

Thanks for the heads up. If I ever pick up Angelina in a bar, I'll make sure I have a bottle of garlic powder in my nightstand to let her know when it's time for her to go home.

11:37 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

You are not funny or witty in the slightest.

3:13 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I guess her position on Iraq would be to cut and run!

You ARE funny

6:24 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Her tattoos are protection spells used to ward off the evil mind-control runes cast by the Religious Right. I'm surprised that she isn't covered head to foot with them as protection spells require total body coverage to be fully effective. I guess she needs to make several thousand more appointments with her Level 6 Mage/tattoo artist before she can be completely safe.

PC, once again you show the lunatics for what they are; crazy.

12:46 PM  

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