Thursday, April 14, 2005

DUmmie FUnnies 04-14-05 ("Worst Movie from a Book")

A little change of pace with this edition of the DUmmie FUnnies. Consider this sort of a lesson plan for infiltrating DUmmieland. The biggest problem with infiltrating DUmmieland is maintaining your cool without “outing” yourself before you hit the magic 1000 posts over there. The secret to hitting the 1000 posts without giving yourself away is to post on topics in the DUmmie Lounge. Most such topics are non-political and some of them are actually FUN subjects such as this THREAD titled, “Worst Movie from a Book.” I actually find this subject interesting and you should have NO TROUBLE posting to it without giving away your secret Freeper identity. BTW, have you ever noticed that there are almost NO movies that are better than the book? About the only exception I can think of is “The Searchers” which, in movie form, was a vast improvement on the book. Of course, legendary director John Ford had a hand in writing the script so that might explain the big improvement. SHHHH! Let us now INFILTRATE this DUmmie thread with our own comments. The DUmmie observations are in Bolshevik Red while the commentary of your humble correspondent, wondering if the DUmmie FUnnies movie will be better than the book, is in the [brackets]:

Worst Movie from a Book…The Cider House Rules is probably one of my all time favorite books and it was RUINED in movie form. Probably because of the poor chemistry between Homer Wells and Candy (who was horribly casted as Charlize Theron). I will admit though that Michael Caine was the best part of that movie as Dr. Wilbur Larch.

[I can’t really judge on this observation since I neither read the book nor saw the movie. Obviously, it seems like the movie really sucks but is it worth reading the book?]

I agree, but Bonfire of the Vanities is in a league of its own! A brilliant book, a train wreck of a movie.

[Mark down this day as an historical event. I actually agree with a DUmmie! Only one problem. It seems that this DUmmie has little reading comprehension since that Tom Wolfe book expressed CONSERVATIVE values.]

You beat me to it. Bonfire of the Vanities was a disaster. I have never been more disappointed in a film from a book that I loved.

[You’re right. The flick sucked bigtime. However, I don’t understand you loving a book with a CONSERVATIVE outlook.]

It's easily Brian DePalma's worst film. Easily. My God, that film was a disaster. The miscasting was the worst part of it. The British journalist turned into....American Bruce Willis. Tom Hanks? And the elderly Jewish judge became...Morgan Freeman. And oh, dear God...Melanie Griffith. Doing one of the worst Southern accents I've ever heard. Wholesale story changes. A horrible script. I always thought this book was unfilmable. And DePalma proved that correctly. Watch this film (if you liked the book) at your own risk.

[Aren’t you ethnically stereotyping? Why couldn’t Morgan Freeman be an elderly Jewish judge? However, except for Tom Hanks it was some really horrible miscasting in that movie. It doesn’t surprise me a bit that Melanie Griffith was completely unconvincing doing a Southern accent. She was equally unconvincing portraying a Jewish chick spying in Nazi Germany with the accent and attitude of a jaded California drug addicted actress circa 1990. I can’t remember the name of the movie (maybe I’m trying to forget it) but she co-starred with an equally miscast Michael Douglas.]

The movie critic from the WSJ wrote a book about the making of the movie--The Devil's Candy--it's a good read--great stuff about how during the middle of filming Melanie G. goes away for a few days and comes back with huge breast implants--and they're all trying to figure out how they can film her so it's not noticeable from her smaller chest in the many, many scenes alreayd completed!

[BWAHAHAHAHA!!! Thanx for the laugh, DUmmie. Yeah, that sure does sound like something the brain dead Melanie G. would do. Maybe they should have filmed her without hiding those fake breasts. The contrast between the scenes would have made for great comedy.]

I was working at Warner Bros when the movie was being made--not anywhere on the production side--but everywhere people were talking about the movie and how bad it was--the rumors reached everyone!

The Horror! THE HORROR!!!

Almost all of the flims from Steven King books stank. "The Shining" and "Stand By Me" stand out as exceptions, and there are surely other decent ones I'm forgetting, but by and large, ugh. "Christine" may be the worst.

[Ditto the Tom Clancey books. In one of his books, the bad guys were Arab terrorists but PC Hollywood changed them to fascist Lithuanians…or were they Ukranians? Talk about BAD timing since it came out not long after 9-11.]

"The Stand" in movie form sucked. I don't care what anyone says.

[Hmmm…. Which movie? Didn’t they remake “The Stand” as a movie? I didn’t think the first Randall Flagg was all that scary.]

The Stand started off strong but got pretty weak towards the end.

[Didn’t Randall Flagg come off as sort of Yuppie? Refresh my memory here.]

"Pet Semetary" was the worst of a sorry lot.

[Agreed. Terrible movie.]

The Shawshank Redemption is pretty good. That's based on a King story.

[Yup! That was a good movie. However, I didn’t read the book. I used to read a lot of Stephen King novels but then I got Stephen Kinged out. One of my pet peeves are folks who just read ONE genre or one author. And often that author is Stephen King. There are a WHOLE LOT of other authors out there.]

My choice would be "The Name of the Rose." Choosing to make a movie out of that book is a clear indication that someone completely missed the point of the book.

[Maybe I’ll check out the novel. I thought it might have stunk because the movie was pretty lousy.]

Not that John Grisham books are good, but the movies are much worse. The Rainmaker sucked out loud.

[I never got around to reading any of the Grisham books because they are about lawyers. Don’t we get way too much of those folks in real life that I also have to read about them? Or am I missing out on some good reading?]

The Firm was a Grisham book too wasn't it? That movie sucked - in the end Tom Cruise walks into the Mafia (after screwing them over left and right) and finds some dumbass excuse to clear the Mafia.

[The Firm was the only Grisham flick I ever saw. You’re right. It sucked but I did like the scene where Tom Cruise shtooped some chick on the beach in the Caymans. I guess Cruise was acting out of character.]

The Scarlet Letter, with Demi Moore and Gary Oldman.

[WORST adaptation of a classic book to the big screen. We were supposed to believe that a brain dead DUmmie Moore with a California jaded actress accent and attitude existed in 17th century New England. Added to the mix is a strong dose of anachronistic feminism and New Age Indians. That movie is UNWATCHABLE.]

I liked Ragtime Milos Foreman did a good job with transferring the book to screen. He was correct in making Coalhouse Walker the focal point of the film. A great Randy Newman score and James Cagney was terrific as the police commissoner.

[Great book but it’s been a long time since I’ve seen the movie. I think I got creeped out by some weird dude with a dopey smile and a straw hat. Somehow that messed up the movie for me.]

I, Robot
Starship Troopers
David Lynch's Dune

I didn’t see I, Robot but Starship Troopers the movie was a TRAVESTY. It missed the whole point about the Heinlein novel. Also we were supposed to believe that several centuries in the future, with all that technology, they still fought the Bug Aliens with infantry tactics that were outdated by the end of WWI. Okay, I did like the Dina Meyer’s nekkid shower scene but better to watch it on the Mr. Skin website than sit through that travesty of a flick. Oh, and did they pay Denise Richard’s lips a bonus for their appearance in this film?]

The Passion of the Christ

[Somehow I think you NEVER read the book version.]

Clan of the Cave Bear

[At least JFK, Jr. got a Schwing Alert from watching it.]


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