Thursday, February 24, 2005

DUmmie FUnnies 02-24-05 ("Clueless about women, part deux")

Ladies and gentleman, presenting the silver-tongued prince of Dummieland, the one and only----steve2470! Yes, he is back with his dating tales of woe and is here to entertain us with Chapter 2 of his comedy book, “Dating for DUmmies” in this DUmmie THREAD titled, “Clueless about women, part deux.” I understand that some of you think it is a bit cruel to feature steve2470’s dating non-adventures but nobody is forcing this DUmmie to post his tales of dating woe on the Web. Not only that, steve2470 has already promised to publicly post the “dirty details” of his second date if it ever comes to fruition. So please, no lectures about cruelty. The COMEDY of this situation overwhelms those “cruelty” qualms. The DUmmie dating comedy routine is in Bolshevik Red while the commentary of your humble correspondent, laughing from his front row seat, is in the [brackets]:

Ok, at the risk of becoming freeper-fodder again, here goes. Got the 2nd date. It hasn't been scheduled yet, but probably next weekend due to kids and work schedules. So far, so good.

[Don’t complain about being freeper fodder again. You got the Funniest shtick going on the Web. Your dating material is comedy GOLD. Anyway, you led off with that HILARIOUS line about getting your second date. Then quickly segued into how it hasn’t even been scheduled yet and then leave us laughing in the aisles that it “probably” might happen next weekend. Yeah, that second date is a SURE thing…..or maybe not.]

The problem now: feeling intimidated and insecure. Why?

[Turning yourself into the laughingstock of the Web might have a little to do with it, steve2470.]

Logically, I should feel ok about myself and not be intimidated or insecure. Whoever said logic ran the human mind ? She's drop-dead gorgeous and can get anyone she wants, including rich guys.

[Including a certain Freeper with a probable lucrative book contract that hasn’t been scheduled yet?]

So why in the hell should she want to spend time with me, who is non-rich, non-macho, a bit on the quiet and shy side ?

[You left out nerdy and unwashed.]

Do the drop-dead gorgeous females usually get past that money and success and power thing ? This is just my perception from past experience. Your input please, ladies. Thank you in advance for your time.

[Some do get past that money and success and power thing but have a bit of trouble accepting the fact that you brownbag it to your date on a bicycle wearing old hip-hop shorts.]

Women LIKE quiet and shy. Men are all screwed up about that. No self-respecting woman loves money/power/success more than a man who pays attention to her and listens to her. I guarantee you you're thinking more about money than she is.

[Women think quiet and shy guys are NERDS. Didn’t you watch the flick Picnic? William Holden got into Kim Novak’s pants by being gregarious and funny. That nerdy Nick Adams character on a bicycle was more steve2470’s style.]

She obviously sees something there--don't try to talk yourself out of your good fortune!

[And quit staring at her hooters while drooling down your shirt.]

tis good to know this. perhaps i've been around the wrong crowd, probably all repukes lol

[Most likely that woman in the second date you won’t be getting is a “repuke.” After the DUFU book is published, I plan to find her and take her out to a steakhouse. Later that evening in my hotel suite, we will look at this chapter of the DUmmie FUnnies and LAUGH at your foibles.]

all the rich macho ultra-extroverts care about is how she looks good on their arm. You on the other hand will likely listen to what she says, care about what she thinks, worry about how she feels, and hopefully make her laugh.

[I don't care about expensive things
Cashmere coats, diamond rings
Don't mean a thing
All I care bout is love!]

She's probably just looking for a nice guy. There are more important things than money and power - and maybe she's dated enough jerks to realize that. So relax and be yourself.

[I don't care for wearin' silk cravats
Ruby studs, satin spats
Don't mean a thing
All I care bout is love!]

oh yeah, a little more info: she's 45, has two young kids, the father of the kids was abusive to them and is now barred from seeing them, and she's been married 3 times, as I have. I'm sure she's had 1000's of men interested and hundreds of dates. She's also in my same business.

[Gimme two eyes of blue
Softly saying "I need you"
Let me see her standin' there
And honest mister, I'm a millionaire!]

A friend of mine is a former supermodel her boyfriend of the past ten years is unattractive and makes about 1/5 what my friend does (and he's not a terribly interesting guy, imho), but she loves him anyway. True attraction-and love-is blind.

[I don't care for any fine attire
Vanderbuilt might admire
No, no, not me
All I care about is love...]

Relax, Steve! She is probably happy to have found somebody who she can talk to who doesn't immediately try to take her panties off. Honestly, some men act like creeps and think they are cool, and she's surprised to find a guy who's not an asshole. She wouldn't go on a second date if she thought you were a jerk. Your best bet is to be yourself, because she obviously likes you as yourself. If she was attracted to the shallow macho blusterers, she wouldn't be dating you. Her life has probably been filled with rich, good-looking OBNOXIOUSLY SELF-INVOLVED guys, and she's tired of them. So, good heavens, go out and enjoy some time with the nice lady!

[Show me long raven hair
Flowin' down, about to there
And when I see her runnin' free
Keep your money, that's enough for me!]

My biggest problem with her is I'm not great at small talk. When's there's those pregnant pauses, I'm going eeek inside. OMG, she thinks I'm boring. Talk about negative self-talk.

[It may sound odd
But all I care about is love
Honest to god
All I care about is love!]

Comfortable silence....not pregnant pauses, LOL. It's impossible to talk every single second and sometimes it can be rough, all that quiet (just had that tonight at a meeting) especially if you're just getting to know each other... but try thinking of it as a comfortable silence.

[Maybe steve2470 could lighten up the deadly dull mood by lecturing her about Republicans stealing the election or how Karl Rove planted the forged Texas Air National Guard documents.]

You could always fall back on talking about her kids. Most moms like to talk about her kids. If you feel comfy enough to do it, you could ask about them.

[“Why did your kids stick their fingers down their throats and make gagging sounds when they saw me?”]

Shyness is fine. I can do shyness without a problem... most people are patient with a shy person since they tend to often be a really great "diamond in the rough," so to speak.

[Asking your date to rub skin cream on you when you break out in nervous hives is sure to be a great mood setter.]

I just don't have a degree in small talk lol , once the ice is broken, i'm fine. It's just the insecurity that I WILL overcome.

[Talk to her about laundry lint and static cling. Those topics are sure to put her in a romantic mood.]

It's nerve-wracking for even the most social of us ....I empathize with you... as does my husband, who is presently nodding his head in agreement

[Downing a $200 bottle of Brandy usually gets you over the nerve-wracking hump.]

it's a weird thing, the ones that come like gangbusters are all annoying and creepy to me. i have had so many jerks bother me over the years,and a lot are worse than fools-- men who get angry and bark and what not because you refuse to have a drink with them. you get the feeling that they act up all the time, yeah, it's nice to talk to a normal quiet guy. charming okay, but blowhards, no.

[I would get angry and bark because a DUmmie like you comes near me when I am trying to enjoy a quiet drink.]

Rarely is there a happy medium of a man who can nicely assert himself. It seem to be either creeps who step over the line into the sexual harrassment zone or the guy who's so shy, I have to practically hit him over the head to say, "YES, I REALLY LIKE YOU!" before he gets it.

[I think he gets it at the part when you pull down his zipper.]

My love life history is freaky. And makes me sad.

[Methinks that your love life history is also SCARY, DUmmie SarahBelle.]

Have a few drinks beforehand! Just make sure you throw her the keys and cordially explain why you aren't driving.

[No problem. Steve2470 didn’t drive her on the first date. Remember, she drove herself home after telling him that obviously phony “cold sore” story.]

just don't be all anxious or needy, okay?

[Be subtle. At the end of you date, get down on both knees and beg, “PUH-LEAAAAAASE!!!”]

we have known each other, more off than on, for 15 years. We are in the same business in a small circle locally. She definitely feels very safe and comfortable with me. She has told me things in one date and conversations on the phone that 1) she would never tell most people and 2)if she did, she would have to get to know them pretty well.

[She told you that she is a She-Male?]

Right now I'd gush all over her and embarass the shit out of myself lol

[Please limit yourself to just drooling all over her.]

I don't know about "drop dead gorgeous", but I'm a fairly decent looking woman (one might say somewhat "built") who probably looks even younger than my age. However, I have lived a lot of life and have a lot of life experiences for someone my age. I could probably be arm candy to some rich dude, but that's not who I am. I want someone on the same wavelength as me.

[Let me guess: You’re the crying chick holding the sign in the famous photo about the “stolen election” and the guy who is on the same wavelength as you is the weird dude sitting on the curb holding another dopey sign.]

I would not dare to call myself gorgeous, but I will tell you that I have never been drawn to the typical definition of an attractive man. Tom Cruise, Brad Pitt, etc--boring.

[Don’t worry about Tom Cruise. He didn’t even put the make on his own hot wife, Mimi Rogers. He told her that he needed to keep his “tool pure.”]

I'm hotter than hell (I've had enough alcohol ealier in the evening that I can actually be honest about that...usually I'm entirely too self-effacing) -- and I actually PREFER the shy ones.

[A hotter than hell DUmmie chick? You definitely have been drinking more than enough alcohol, DUmmie Technowitch.]


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