Saturday, January 22, 2005

DUmmie FUnnies 01-22-05 ("Iron rules of hollywood movies")

Sorry for posting two showbiz DUmmie threads in a row but I have to do it to show how incredibly UNORIGINAL the DUmmies are. In last night’s DUFU THREAD about Captain Pike and Star Trek, I mentioned that when any one named Ensign Smith would beam down to a hostile planet with Kirk, Spock, and Bones, he was as good as dead because he was just NOT going to survive. Later, on the same thread, Freeper Bush_Democrat added that the term “red shirt” is an industry term to denote a guest star who was going to die because the Star Trek crew members who died always wore red uniforms. As it turns out these EXACT SAME points are made (copied) in today’s DUmmie THREAD titled, “Iron rules of hollywood movies.” And one iron rule is that DUmmies have NO originality. So grab your popcorn, relax, and watch this episode of DUmmie Mystery Theater. As usual the uncreative DUmmie musings are in Bolshevik Red while the commentary of your humble correspondent, laughing into his popcorn, is in the [brackets]:

Iron rules of hollywood movies… Well, some of them aren't absolute, but some of 'em are. This one's just about unbreakable: If there's an expensive, exotic sports car in an action movie, that car is going to get trashed. A painful truth for us car lovers, but there it is. That Ferrari, Lotus, Lamborghini, Aston Martin? Gonna be a heap of shredded tin by the end of the flick. I don't think it applies to your Porsche, Mercedes, or BMW. Has to have a more exotic pedigree. If it does, it's as doomed as The Kid.

[Here is another ironclad rule: Whenever Dummie Coyotes get to gloating they always end up with the ACME Co. package exploding in their faces. Cases in point: Gloating over Dan Rather’s Bush TANG report. Also gloating over the exit polls on Election Day.
DUmmie Gloat = Ultimate Defeat.

Speaking of which...In a war movie, The Kid is gonna get it. Usually a minor character but not always. The Lad With His Whole Life Ahead of Him. He's deader than a Maserati in a Kung Fu flick. Even surer if we see him early on getting a letter from his young wife or girlfriend. Deader 'n shit. Sorry pal, it's what you're there for.

[Just like the DUmmie Jerk. The DUmmie Jerk is gonna get it.]

A rule observed quite strictly by the first Star Trek. A black man beaming down to the planet with Spock and Kirk and McCoy? He's a goner already. And even he knows it. You can see it in his eyes. "Oh, shit, they need another decoy! I was going to be a captain someday."

[Not quite. You are trying not to copy our DUFU from yesterday but let us allow another DUmmie to copy us EXACTLY.]

That ethnic group was really more of a red shirt thing. If you wore a red shirt AND didn't asnwer to "Scotty" you were friggin' DOOMED. Nowehere was safe--the forces of evil would sneak through the deflector shields just to cap you.

[BINGO! Congratulations on shamefully copying the DUFUs!]

If there's a car chase, it will go through a fruit vending area or area with a lot of fruit boxes to blow into the air.

[Didn’t the Blues Brothers’ car go crashing through a shopping mall sans the fruit stand?]

and cops always get teamed with someone who is their exact opposite personality wise. By the end of the movie they are either in love with each other or best buddies!

[A DUmmie and a Freeper? By the end of the movie the DUmmie sues the police department for harassment because by being teamed up with a Freeper, it showed just what a pathetic cop he was.]

No matter how old and decrepit the leading man is...he will get the 20-something leading lady. Do we really need to see Lindsey Lohan making out with Abe Vigoda?

[Is that really any worse than seeing Ginger Lynn doing a bit more than making out with the Hedgehog?]

If the bad guy is captured alive at the end of the movie He'll produce a gun an try to shoot the hero or one of his friends, thereby giving the hero an excuse to shoot him dead (usually with a shot in the exact middle of the forehead at a ludicrously high distance).

[Die Hard and Lethal Weapon.]

when the the cop's wife is left alone, the killer will come for her but the cop will save her in time of course

[If the Best Friend of the Main Character has a hot looking girlfriend, the Main Character is going to end up shtooping her, thus causing problems with his Best Friend. Picnic comes to mind but this is replicated in numerous other flicks.]


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8:01 PM  
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8:15 PM  

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