Wednesday, June 08, 2005

DUmmie FUnnies 06-08-05 ("Okay. I am now ready to make some daring, wild-ass predictions.")

The track record of DUmmie prognosticators ranges from abysmal to completely divorced from reality. Remember that famous prediction of last year? ---“John Kerry WILL be inaugurated on Jan. 20.” Time and time again the DUmmie predictions turn out to be completely erroneous which often causes problems in DUmmieland such as the famous meltdown in November 2002 when the Republicans picked up seats in Congress. However, DUmmies just seem to NEVER learn as you can see in this DUmmie THREAD titled, “Okay. I am now ready to make some daring, wild-ass predictions.” Not only are the predictions of DUmmie hvn_nbr_2 “wild-ass” rooted in an alternate unreality but HILARIOUS as well. As usual the erroneous DUmmie prognostications are in Bolshevik Red while the commentary of your humble correspondent, predicting another massive DUmmie meltdown when the next CONSERVATIVE Supreme Court Justice is chosen, is in the [brackets]:

Okay. I am now ready to make some daring, wild-ass predictions.


I almost did this two weeks ago but didn't have some of the details thought out and got cold feet because of the filibuster "compromise." But now I'm confident again, and I want to put it out there before I go on vacation.

[So your predictions have ALREADY been proven wrong but that won’t stop you from going ahead and making a complete fool of yourself. Be my guest.]

The tide is turning. Cracks are appearing everywhere. The corporate media are starting to cover the Downing Street Minutes, and a few are even daring to say the I-word.

[Yeah. I remember how Impeachment was considered INEVITABLE over the Jeff Gannon scandal. In a couple of weeks I PREDICT that Downing Street stories will be forgotten in the trash heap along with the Gannon speculations.]

1. Chimp/Cheney will not finish their term in office. They'll be gone before the 2006 elections, and there's a fair chance they'll be gone before the end of 2005.

[BWAHAHAHA!!! Yeah, with the MAJORITY of the House and Senate being Republican they will somehow impeach Chimp/Cheney. And for what? Because they made the DUmmies cry?]

There are cracks in the walls everywhere, particularly in the corporate media cartel. The DSM is increasing the pressure from outside and making the bias glaringly obvious to everyone. The Deep Throat hoopla is increasing the pressure from inside the cartel, from the many journalists who want to do real journalism but have been forbidden to. No one is fooled by the phony calls for new Deep Throats to come forward today. They all know there are dozens of Deep Throats ready and willing and already trying. There is no shortage of Woodwards or Bernsteins either. The missing pieces are Ben Bradlees and Katherine Grahams, and everyone in the cartel knows it. And for some reason, they're starting to let go a bit.

[Take another hit off your crack pipe and tell us more.]

Here's what I think is happening: Either they've concluded that Chimpy is going down no matter what they do, or the corporate plutocrats are restless. They're thinking something like, "We bought and paid for every branch of government, we bought and paid for and controlled every significant media outlet, and we loyally suppressed all opposing information, and what did we get for it? Our investments in media are going south because everyone knows it's all bullshit and nobody's watching any more. None of us are getting anything except Chimp/Cheney's buddies in oil and gas. For the rest of us, the Dow is about where it was when Chimpy was selected four and a half years ago, the S&P 500 is down from then, the NASDAQ is down significantly; there's a worldwide de facto consumer boycott of our brands just because we're American; the budget deficit will cripple us for years to come; and the Bush-buddies' FERC-rape of California is costing the rest of us plutocrats billions. We want our share, and Chimp/Cheney won't give it to us, so they are now expendable." They think they can excise Chimp/Cheney and still keep control of everything, so they're starting to let media talk about DSM and the I-word.

[I said take a hit off your crack pipe, NOT an overdose.]

However, there are two big flies in their ointment: Once they loosen the chains a little bit on real journalism, they're going to find a lot of resistance to tightening them again. Toothpaste out of the tube thing. And the corruption is so vast, so widespread, so depraved, and so pervasive that a cub reporter from the Outer Oshkosh Sentinel-Times-Recorder could come up with enough scandal in a couple hours to bring down several governments. Once they loosen a bit, it's going to take down a whole lot of people, quickly before they can adjust, and it's going to splash ugly on a lot more.

[Would you like me to bring a butterfly net to your rubber room?]

2. More people are going to jail than did from Nixon's adminstration. A lot more. This is going to be the biggest flameout in American history, by far.

[Andy Stephenson, Pied Piper Pitt, and Skinner are going to jail because of the phony pancreatic cancer fundraising scam?]

And it's going to happen quickly once it gets started. In Watergate, the phrase was "twisting slowly, slowly in the wind." This time around, it will be flameout and blowback. When real journalists start digging, we'll find out about corruption that even we at DU don't even suspect yet. And some of it will be at least comparable in depravity to LIHOP. When the rampant corruption is known and Chimpy's approval ratings are really in the toilet, then people will finally be willing to listen to the evidence of election fraud and the stolen elections. And not just the last two presidential elections. Probably the Republican majority in the Senate was stolen; certainly at least three or four seats were stolen.

[Don’t stop talking now. Continue to relax on the couch as the nice doctor writes all this down on his notepad: “Just plain NUTS!!!”]

3. We'll have paper ballots for the 2006 elections.

[Funny. I seem to remember all you liberals back in 2000 SCREAMING for electronic ballots.]

Maybe eventually they'll come up with computer systems, designed to industry standards, monitored by computer security experts, and trusted by the people, but there won't be time to do it for 2006. We'll do it the old-fashioned way, as an emergency response. When they finally tell people that their voting computers were programmed by convicted felon hackers, with multiple convictions for fraud by software, all the current voting machine companies will be put out of business.

[How about if they just base the elections on exit polls as so many of you DUmmies seem to want?]

4. Democrats will regain control of the House and the Senate in the 2006 elections. Maybe sooner for the Senate when election fraud becomes known and some are forced out.

[May I forward this thread to the Federal Elections Commission? I’m sure they will find this thread as proof…of your insanity.]

It will be almost by default. The Republican party will be incredibly damaged by all the scandal. What we have now is far, far worse than Watergate, Teapot Dome, and Joe McCarthy all combined. Remember that after Joe McCarthy, they didn't control either house of Congress for forty years. This will be worse.

[Yeah. The non-existent Downing Street Memo trumps them all. It will be as effective in bringing down the reign of our Glorious Emperor, Chimpus Khan, as the Jeff Gannon “scandal.”]

5. We will see the first major party re-alignment in the U.S. in 150 years.

[With Hispanics leaving the Democrat party in droves this prediction could actually prove correct.]

Within 5-10 years, the Republican party will basically be gone, or possibly relegated to permanent minor status as the religious nuts party, if a multi-party system emerges.

[“John Kerry WILL be inaugurated on Jan. 20."]

6. That will be a perilous time for the Democratic party too, and the outcome is uncertain.

[If the DUmmie FUnnies ever gets published as a book (with CD-ROM insert for the related comix stories) it is certain that the outcome for the Democrats is that they become a national laughingstock as you have already managed to become.]

The corporate plutocrats will just automatically assume they can buy the Democrats as they bought the Pukes. To a large extent, they already own them anyway. Also, at least some Democrats will be caught in the scandals. And after the intitial shock and disgust of the scandals wear off, people will ask all the Democratic wimps, appeasers, enablers, and corporate tools, "Where were you? Why didn't you speak up about what was happening? Why did you go along with them? You spoke eloquently on January 6, 2005, and then voted to approve the fraud. Why should we follow you either?"

[“Corporate plutocrats.” I am so impressed by your command of Leftist clichés that I would consider it an honor if you would pull down your pants an allow me to kiss your buttcheeks.]

I think the outcome is uncertain. It depends on too many variables, such as how the Dems respond, how any unstained prominent Repubs respond, and just on many uncertainties. We could have a new party replace the Pukes, we could see both parties replaced by two or more parties, we could see multiple parties rise to replace the Pukes and in time establish a multi-party system.

[I can just see the two parties permitted in the DUmmie Alternate Reality: The Progressive Democrat Party and the Socialist Workers Party. Of course the EVIL Republicans will just disappear from the face of the earth.]

7. No one will trust the corporate media again, even if they get back to real journalism.

[Keep your radio set tuned to Air America at all times. Only Randi Rhodes presents us with “real” journalism.]

They may re-gain viewers and readers, but they'll always be held in suspicion. Something will arise on the internet to counter them and compete effectively with them. There will be large-scale divestment and dis-conglomeration of media control, possibly because their investments in media control went bad, but forced if necessary.

[“Dis-conglomeration.” Again I am incredibly impressed by your use of the language. Down with those pants again so I can kiss your buttcheeks in awe of your verbal abilities!]

8. We get our country back.


Eventually we'll get universal health care, secure social security, a meaningful safety net, environmental protection, consumer protection, worker protection, and other things that the American people want but current politicians controlled by the plutocracy won't give us. We'll probably even get public financing of campaigns and re-regulation of some energy-related industries.

[Elimination of capitalism, nationalization of all business, re-education camps for Republicans. All in all a GLORIOUS future in the DUmmie Alternate Reality.]

But then, maybe this is all just wishful thinking. Since I'm about to go on vacation, after a few hours from now, I won't see if anyone even notices this thread till next week. Hope some of you enjoy it.

[Actually I think your post is ending simply because your Meds are wearing off. Now to get MORE laughs from your fellow DUmmies…]

Wow. I sure hope you're right...but I have a sneaking suspicion that you should be changing your screen name to Pollyanna.

[Or Deep Bloat.]

It sounds spot on, to me.

[Don’t worry. There is room in the Rubber Room for you as well.]

I can't believe in anything anymore. I just can't. It's too hard to get your hopes up and then have reality be so unexpectedly awful. I have a feeling we may see things get a lot worse before they get better.

[Psst! A Cheney Presidency starting on Jan. 20, 2009.]

Not a chance in hell. Now, could you please pass what you are smoking

[Pass that crack pipe!]

and then it will rain peppermint candy! oh, won't it be nice?

[And showered with Goody Gumdrops!]

I read through carefully. Not even one of these things will come to pass. I honestly believe it. We will have a permanent republican majority and it doesn't matter how horrible they become. They got the elections rigged and the media to cover up anything. I hate to say it, but after seeing what has happened over the last few years I realize it's f*cking over man.

[Finally. A DUmmie with a REALISTIC attitude.]

Thanks for the uplifting prediction....Your words have filled my dreams that someone sees something that has brought me to my knees.

[That sounds like a quote from Monica Lewinsky.]

One "Channeler" predicted in '03: If Bush wins another term his "masters" will turn away from him, he will founder on his own and he will experience the greatest embarrassment of this or any of his other lives.

[Hey! If a Channeler said it then it MUST be true!]

Let me preface this with some pertinent info which will make reading this easier. "Michael" is a combination group of spirits, who speak about pretty much everything. In this channeling they refer to past lives and the levels and attributes of the spirit known as G.W. Bush and Tony Blair and others.

[GASP! Up until this point I was a skeptic but now that you tell me that the combo spirit Michael is making these predictions I HAVE to take them serioiusly.]

LunaC wrote:
Due to retrograde motion, Bush* will again experience the Saturn Return effect in mid-June but this time it's even juicier......Mars (action - ruler of his Power/Destiny) will be in his house of Courts and in conflict with Neptune (deceptions) in the house of his Foundations. At the same time Mercury (news) will conjunct the Sun (focus) in his house of Self-Undoing. The chickens WILL come home to roost! Bush's* Fraud will be revealed in the Courts, MSM will cover it extensively, and it should lead to his decline in power and stature.

[I think Luna-tic, due to a retrograde motion in her brain, has her head stuck in Uranus.]

I predict that the World Tribunal will corner the neocons and the world will be calling for their heads on a platter (or dry ice for irony)...

[I can just picture the World Tribunal Swat Team leaping from helicopters and arresting conservatives for Thought Crimes while they are sleeping late at night.]

Magical thinking. Its a lot of fun, but my preference is reality.


CuckooBananas, Darth Cheney, KKKarl Rove and Regime.......ALL GO TO JAIL AND ARE ARRESTED THIS YEAR!!! You heard it here first. This bunch WILL NOT finish their term and they will be removed this year when Kerry & Edwards are sworn in and make room in all the jails for the people who are going to jail.

[Psst! Cuckoo! If “CuckooBananas, Darth Cheney, and KKKarl Rove” go to jail then Denny Hastert becomes President. Back to Square One.]

think it -- dream it -- be it. picture in your mind the end result. know that it will happen. own it.

[Create your own unreality!]

I thought DU had a rule against Crackheads?

[On the contrary. Being a Crackhead is a REQUIREMENT in DUmmieland.]


Blogger Mr. Right said...

Congratulations, PJ! You've just been Bloglighted.

Hilarious stuff! Keep it up!

4:03 PM  
Blogger Icarus said...


Are they kidding?

Do you REALIZE how long it took someone to type all that silliness? Dear God, man ... he wasted hours of his life. Does he believe that stuff?

My question is the same as always; the same one I have for the end-of-the-earth predictors: what happens to these people's "reality" when none of this happens?

Too funny. My favorite was the respondent who STILL thinks Kerry/Edwards will be inaugurated.

8:45 AM  

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